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If you see your last 8 posts you are harping on every main issue and questioning everything and trying to talk to her all the time. You just need to back off and let her be.
Stop analyzing everything and asking her if she will ignore you or if you will talk.
Let her see how important you are and instead of asking her stuff have fun with her. SHe doesn't care what you think about her problems she wants to avoid all her problems and use you as a way to escape but you seem to be making it worse.
That seems a little strange, what's so wrong about a brief separation? Look, you aren't going to be able to head off something bad here, it just doesn't work that way. And in all your efforts to try and head it off, you end up creating or reinforcing the bad thing instead! YIKES!Quote:
Originally Posted by confused_guy
So far it seems I am the only one who can say this worked for me and my now husband. I posted on numerous threads about how separation is different than a break up. I was hoping you saw some of those. The separation needs to be managed carefully so you avoid the confusion Phil raised about what does "taking a break" mean.Quote:
Originally Posted by confused_guy
So now you know how willing she is to ignore someone.Quote:
Originally Posted by confused_guy
So believe her telling you she won't ignore you like she did her mother until she actually does. Then you will have something to talk about. Quit living in the WHAT IF's, and start living in the WHAT ARES.Quote:
Originally Posted by confused_guy
And no offense here but thinking her owing you money or being at the same college with you ensures any kind of ongoing relationship is naïve.
I'm not really sure how I can show her how important I am if I am not there. I do an awful lot for her, she has even pointed that out herself. "What DON'T you do?" <-- In a nice way, and even in the past few days. It was really only last night that she suddenly started acting like she was quesitoning everything. I even asked her when the feelings started coming on and she said that she had though about it just that day (everything else was going crappy for her too).Quote:
Originally Posted by Nohitter410
One bad part is, I paid her rent for her two days ago because she's been having such a hard time of things. She drops me, there goes that $ too.
I don't want the brief separation because I'm kind of scared that she's only going to be able to see the bad stuff given how screwed up her living situation is right now. If she has a couple of decent days she may credit it to the lack of me.Quote:
Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
If you are the only one here who can say that giving space has actually worked, why does everyone push it so hard? He asked for space or you did?Quote:
So far it seems I am the only one who can say this worked for me and my now husband. I posted on numerous threads about how separation is different than a break up. I was hoping you saw some of those. The separation needs to be managed carefully so you avoid the confusion Phil raised about what does "taking a break" mean.
We are not broken up, and she said her idea of taking a break is not speaking for a couple of days while she clears her head. She doesn't want to date other people and she still cares about me.
I was just using that as a point of reference. I don't want to be cut out of her life completely.Quote:
So now you know how willing she is to ignore someone.
So believe her telling you she won't ignore you like she did her mother until she actually does. Then you will have something to talk about.
It doesn't ensure an ongoing relationship, but it ensures that we will have some form of contact... probably in person... which bodes well for me.Quote:
And no offense here but thinking her owing you money or being at the same college with you ensures any kind of ongoing relationship is naïve.
Time for some brutal honesty here. I just hope this doesn't burn too much of my good karma.
YOU need this time much more than her. A couple of days? You're worried this much over TWO DAYS? You have issues that you need to deal with well beyond her not being around for two days. Your life revolves around this girl, and that's a really shoddy place to be six months into a relationship. You're not in love, you're obsessed. From the way you describe the way you act, I'd want space, too. A lot more than two days' worth.
You're not there to solve her problems. That's not what a boyfriend is for. Yeah, you help out, but you're going well beyond that. Everything you say is about how much you've helped her with this problem or that problem, and there seems to be nothing to your relationship beyond your need to fix her life.Quote:
She says it makes her feel smothered to be "bullied" into coming up with solutions for her problems.
What you WANT is no match for what she NEEDS. Period. If you're more worried about what you want, then I recommend you get out of the relationship completely, and avoid them until you figure yourself out. All you're going to do is end up hurting people. And, just like you are now, you're going to try to place the blame on them rather than yourself.Quote:
I want to respect her wishes, but it's awfully tough because this (even brief) separation is exactly what I don't want.
Then GET busy. This is half your problem: You're devoting your entire life to her problems. You have some of your own to deal with, and playing fix-it with her isn't getting you anywhere for yourself. That needs to be your first priority.Quote:
I'm not busy though. Pretty much my whole day has been devoted to this. She has become very important to me, and I honestly wasn't sure if that would be possible again after my last relationship.
Seriously, just let the poor girl go. You need time to figure out your issues instead of worrying about hers all the time, and you apparently have some doozies. The way you're obsessing on this tells me that you're way too close to controlling for comfort. You won't take this advice, though, just like you've decided to ignore all of the people here telling you that what you absolutely have to do is give her the space she needs. You're way too focused on you.
If you go this nutty for letting her have a few days of peace then your name is very apt. She has a lot of problems without you and wants to think. Let her. Don't you have other things in your life to do for a few days? If you don't, can't you see how out of balance your life is? This relationship is not healthy, as you have many issues to address yourself as she does. Now would be a good time to look honestly at yourself and figure why you put so much unhealthy attention on this problem ed female. All here can see that but you. Your smothering her and if you don't back off you will run her away and be wondering what happened, and it doesn't matter about the money or seeing her in class because she will never come back to have a relationship with some one that overbearing. Sorry to be harsh, but you've made yourself part of the problem. Now give her space and stop being insecure.
I think you need to realize that a lot of these problems arise from your own ego taking too much control of things... YOu need to back up and take a good look at where you stand with yourself and then her.
You ask, how do I know? Well, I did the very same thing you're doing now. My ex was very independent. My ex quite capable of simply ignoring people who didn't suit her needs. My ex asked for space, even though I thought she had quite a bit of it. In fact, I still think she did...
I attempted to close the gap and be the friend that I'd always been when we were together (she was long distance when she dropped the bomb on me for this stuff). I can tell you from experience that I have never seen a person go from that caring to that hateful and cold in what amounted to a matter of weeks.
I didn't call her everyday... In fact, I may have done it twice. I didn't message her everyday. I sent her a grand total of two or three emails over a period of several weeks. That doesn't seem like much, does it?
At the end of it all she sent me a letter, a letter and not a phone call mind you, saying that she never wanted to speak to me again. I never cursed her out or picked a fight or had an argument with her in all this time.
I'm telling you this to underscore the point that when a girl asks for space SHE REALLY EFFING MEANS IT. Like big time. As in, if you don't give her the space, you're a complete douche who isn't worth the time of day to answer their phone call.
So there I was, without my best friend or the love of my life. And why was that? Because I was too damn prideful to look at things clearly. If I had pulled my head out of my and smelt the air a bit I could have seen things for what they were - that I thought I always knew what was best and that fact was starting to drive her crazy (among other things, I'm sure).
It's probably a little different for you, but please, at least consider my words before you make a foolish mistake.
In my experience "hard as it is" space will give you strength and more power.
I say this again, because I don't want what happened to me to happen to anyone else - please, please, please, please give her space my friend! You absolutely must do it!
There will be time for that other stuff down the line...
Well, only you really know what your girlfriend is like. The people on here don't. So she could be just wanting space for a few days like she says or she could be thinking of something more permanent. It all depends on her and how she's been acting toward you recently. Also, to avoid times when you feel like you should take a break, hanging out with your friends without her might help.Quote:
Originally Posted by confused_guy
It's not just her not being there for two days, it's the uncertainty that's killing me. She could go any way, but I hope that she thinks more about the good stuff than the bad. Hard to tell if she will or not because there are so many other problems in her life right now.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nosnosna
I have thought a lot about that today (solving her problems). I think from now on I'm going to try to not give her advice until she asks... or maybe offer it by going "do you want some advice?" rather than just giving it. I think because earlier on she took so much of it and ran with it (and then would thank me for helping her) that I started to become controlling and wonder why the hell she doesn't take my advice just about every time.Quote:
You're not there to solve her problems. That's not what a boyfriend is for. Yeah, you help out, but you're going well beyond that. Everything you say is about how much you've helped her with this problem or that problem, and there seems to be nothing to your relationship beyond your need to fix her life.
There is more to our relationship than that. She's got a great sense of humor and is laid back, which I like. She is beautiful and truly caring. You're only seeing a very small side of the story because your "experience" is limited to my writing.
I'm not placing the blame on her for everything, it's both of us. Normally my reactions are precipitated by her actions and it kind of snowballs from there. I think I need to work on sorting things out a little more and not just reacting.Quote:
What you WANT is no match for what she NEEDS. Period. If you're more worried about what you want, then I recommend you get out of the relationship completely, and avoid them until you figure yourself out. All you're going to do is end up hurting people. And, just like you are now, you're going to try to place the blame on them rather than yourself.
What do you mean let her go? The whole reason I came here was to try to get advice on how to increase my chances of keeping her.Quote:
Then GET busy. This is half your problem: You're devoting your entire life to her problems. You have some of your own to deal with, and playing fix-it with her isn't getting you anywhere for yourself. That needs to be your first priority.
Seriously, just let the poor girl go. You need time to figure out your issues instead of worrying about hers all the time, and you apparently have some doozies. The way you're obsessing on this tells me that you're way too close to controlling for comfort. You won't take this advice, though, just like you've decided to ignore all of the people here telling you that what you absolutely have to do is give her the space she needs. You're way too focused on you.
I didn't ignore people's advice on giving her space. I haven't sent her a message or anything and don't plan to until at least tomorrow night. If she contacts me in the meantime, great. But it's important for her to know that I care about her enough to give her what she wants even when it isn't particularly easy for me.
OK.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I do have some things to do. I went out to eat with my father tonight and am going to start doing some homework soon. I've got school all day tomorrow. Do you think I should drop her laundry off at her apartment (I don't think she'll be there)?Quote:
Don't you have other things in your life to do for a few days? If you don't, can't you see how out of balance your life is? This relationship is not healthy, as you have many issues to address yourself as she does. Now would be a good time to look honestly at yourself and figure why you put so much unhealthy attention on this problem ed female. All here can see that but you.
I'm not sure why you consider it to be unhealthy attention. Her family more or less abandoned her for two months and she needed as much support as possible to get through the hard time. They are still very back and forth with her as far as the way they are treating her, but last night they were very nice according to her. I'd love to see her get along with them and have tried to encourage her to remain in contact with them all along. If that relationship improves it will undoubtedly be a good thing for her all around.
It's more easily said than done to just stop being insecure. Trust is something that is built over time, it isn't something that you just give to anyone and everyone. I've been burned enough times to realize that.Quote:
Your smothering her and if you don't back off you will run her away and be wondering what happened, and it doesn't matter about the money or seeing her in class because she will never come back to have a relationship with some one that overbearing. Sorry to be harsh, but you've made yourself part of the problem. Now give her space and stop being insecure.
Still, I appreciate the comments everyone has given though, it has given me some interesting reflections.
The weekend should be very interesting when her parents leave. She's off from work, so I think she'll have plenty of time to herself. On Tuesday she asked me to come down this weekend, but based on the way she was last night who knows?
For me it was literally within 24 hours that she seemed to go cold. I've seen a lot of women do that though, including my own mother. They usually warm back up eventually. The stress of EVERYTHING has obviously gotten to her though.Quote:
Originally Posted by LBP
That's weird, man. Maybe she felt more comfortable with the letter so she wouldn't get confused by seeing you/hearing your voice.Quote:
I didn't call her everyday... In fact, I may have done it twice. I didn't message her everyday. I sent her a grand total of two or three emails over a period of several weeks. That doesn't seem like much, does it?
At the end of it all she sent me a letter, a letter and not a phone call mind you, saying that she never wanted to speak to me again. I never cursed her out or picked a fight or had an argument with her in all this time.
Noted.Quote:
I'm telling you this to underscore the point that when a girl asks for space SHE REALLY EFFING MEANS IT. Like big time. As in, if you don't give her the space, you're a complete douche who isn't worth the time of day to answer their phone call.
No, I'm pretty much the same way in general. Trying to tell her what's best. Bad thing is, her mother is about 1000x worse, and I kind of wonder if she seeks people out that have control issues as a result. She got a restraining order against her last boyfriend because he was very abusive and controlling. I certainly don't want to be like him/compared to him.Quote:
So there I was, without my best friend or the love of my life. And why was that? Because I was too damn prideful to look at things clearly. If I had pulled my head out of my and smelt the air a bit I could have seen things for what they were - that I thought I always knew what was best and that fact was starting to drive her crazy (among other things, I'm sure).
It's probably a little different for you, but please, at least consider my words before you make a foolish mistake.
Thanks. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Teaching
Thanks again. And what other stuff are you referring to?Quote:
Originally Posted by LBP
My gut basically tells me that she is stressed about pretty much every aspect of her life and she just has no strength to argue and fight. So when I even hint around that I may start something she immediately becomes defensive or tries to run away.Quote:
Originally Posted by mason_7428
I reckon that she is probably still facing the same kind of issues with her mother, so at the end of the day when she calls me she may just be wanting to vent... not to solve everything.
I'm very hopeful that there will be a next time that we talk, and when we do I plan to be as optomistic as I can be and try to keep things light. I know her, and I doubt she will just launch into the heavy stuff. The only way I could see her doing an "instant breakup" sort of thing would be via text message because she hates conflict and is a runner by nature. More likely she would try to have a light conversation and dance around any conflict.
If she gets the space though for at least another day she will know that I am serious about trying to respect her wishes and make her happy. She needs a rock right now more than ever to anchor on to, not to get beaten over the head with. I'll ask her if she wants advice, but if she doesn't I'll try to drop it.
My family and friends that know her have basically all said that she looks at me, uses body language like, and changes her tone of voice in a way that says she really loves me. My mother, a runner herself, doesn't act terribly worried about the situation. She says to give it at least a couple of days and my girlfriend will begin wondering why the heck I'm not calling. She needs time to miss the good things.
My mom said she even does the same thing to her boyfriend sometimes. She truly doesn't want anything to do with him, but in the end she still loves him and starts to worry when she doesn't hear from him for a while (even when he avoids her at her own request). They eventually sit down and try to iron things out.
I hope things are the same in my case!
That's called insecurities and when you start expecting to relieve them (by seeing her) at her expense (by crowding her when she asked you to back off) then you are the one adding to the already existing trouble. In fact, that says your troubles come before hers and my guess is she sees you that way too.Quote:
Originally Posted by confused_guy
As for why they push it so hard, you'll have to ask them. I asked for space but we both agreed on the details of it: what it was over, for how long, etc. so that nobody's insecurities were unduly aroused.Quote:
Originally Posted by confused_guy
Okaaaay, so if that's all it is then why all the fussing from you about it? This is starting to not make sense here. LOLQuote:
Originally Posted by confused_guy
No, it doesn't ensure contact, and you missed what I meant about being naïve. She can stiff you for the money and transfer schools. I know I know, your answer is "oh she wouldn't do that" when the question isn't about whether she would, its about whether she could. Besides last time I looked securing someone with debt is a sure way to make your love look about as appealing as a collection agency. Is that what you what?Quote:
Originally Posted by confused_guy
So she just called me. Very lighthearted conversation, as if nothing happened.
Got another call though and said she'd call me back. We'll see.
Either way, I am trying to do like you guys said. Thank you so much for the advice, no matter how things go.
That's true, and no I don't want that. I know her well enough to know that she will make it a top priority to get me repaid either way though. She's a good person.Quote:
Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
Okay, so she called back and we chitchatted for a while longer. She asked me how I slept last night and I said I honestly didn't sleep very well. I then told her that I was actually kind of surprised to hear from her so soon. She replied that she was just wondering how I was doing and wanted to make sure I was doing all right... apologized for the way she was last night.
I told her not to sweat it and said the time has given me a chance to think.
She's like, what conclusion did you come to?
I said I didn't really come to a conclusion necessarily but it gave me a chance to reflect on what my role should be in her life. She doesn't need me to fix every problem and sometimes she might just want to vent. Said I'm going to make an effort to not ask quite as many questions of her and to not give as much advice unless asked.
She even said she was thinking about changing occupations and I just showed interest in it, didn't pass judgment.
She asked if I would drop off her clothes for her and I said that's fine and I would just leave them in her apartment tomorrow and grab my stuff out of there too. She acted like she appreciated it and told me good night.
That was about it, but all in all I'd say it was a very positive and unexpected conversation. Her tone of voice was much warmer than last night, but I think she is still kind of guarded. It's all right, I'll let her be. Keep giving her space and show that she may not need me but I can be good to have around too. :)
Now it's back to the "silent" treatment. I'll drop her clothes off, do my own thing tomoz. See what happens from there!
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