Talaniman,
Thank you for your input, once again very advice

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Originally Posted by Lyra123

I do need to set boundaries. Could you suggest where to start?

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Go to your local public library and check out Boundaries by Henry Cloud. If your library doesn't have it, ask them to get it for you through interlibrary loan.

Meanwhile, watch this short video on setting boundaries --

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfKRMH5zaYo&NR=1

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Originally Posted by Lyra123

Just Looking,
once again you are right. In the beginning he was so... now I see it as fake but at the time I thought it was perfection. Then he started showing his true colors by making rules for me (who I could talk to, what I could wear, when I could go out, etc). Before the change, he asked me to be there for him always when he needed me and to promise that I would. I did then, and I guess since the promise was made to a person while they were lying with their actions (pretending to be someone they are not) the promise could be seen as null and void.

I do hope that he changes, not for me, for himself so that maybe he can have a healthy relationship with someone else down the road and maybe lead a happier and better life.

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Exactly. That's what manipulators do. They act "perfect" until you fall in love with them and they think you will do anything to keep the relationship. The thing is who you fell in love with does not exist. Even his extracting that promise from you was manipulation, especially asking for that promise and then changing after getting it. He was relying on the fact that you are honorable and would feel you had to stick by your promise. It was based on lies, so you are absolutely right that it is null and void.

As everyone is saying, the most important thing here is to protect yourself and work towards establishing a happy life. I also love Wondergirl's suggestion of the book. I am a huge reader, and I read a lot of books and websites when I was going through all of this. I also spent countless hours reading posts in this website. There are many that will either teach you something, open your mind to new ideas, or agree with your own thoughts and thereby give you even more confidence you are doing the right thing.

Wondergirl,
Thank you again. I'll look into that book and I just watched the video. Very helpful

You made a promise to someone that was lying to you. You aren't expected to keep a promise made to someone that didn't tell you the truth.

He's abusive, manipulative, and just not a very nice person. You deserve better.

You don't need to be there for him, you're no longer his girlfriend. You have to leave him to his own devises, and move on, live your life. Stop being concerned about him, and think about your own safety. You come first!

I've been in abusive relationships in the past. These men will say and do anything to get you back. It's not that they love you, it's that you broke their control, you took the control back, and you walked away. A man that thrives on control cannot handle losing that control. He doesn't want you back, he wants to be able to dominate you again. That's what he misses, and he'll say or do anything to get you to give that control back to him.

He won't change, not for you, not for anyone. He doesn't think he has a problem.

You walked away. Now don't look back. Keep walking. Trust me, the view around the corner is so much better then what's behind you.

Just Looking,

You are absolutely an angel you and Wondergirl aren't you?
Sorry, I am so pleased to have received such good advice and support .

I too am a huge reader, so I plan on walking to the library as soon as I have free time to establish a library card then to check out the book (I moved into this county and town in December and haven't had a chance to join the library)

I guess it was manipulation. And I am realizing that I had been manipulated from the start.

I plan to work on building myself a happy and good life, starting with finnally going to college as I had planned before to become a high school english teacher. (he had wanted more time with me and insisted I become a housewife)

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Originally Posted by Lyra123

(I moved into this county and town in december and havent had a chance to join the library)

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What?? You've lived there six months and still don't have a library card?? Silly girl!!

I'm so happy to hear you have future plans. That will make a world of difference. As I just PM'd to Alty (Altenweg), I hope you keep posting here. When I was going through my ordeal 2 years ago, the support and positive comments I received meant the world to me. You might have ups and downs, but if you keep on track you will succeed. We would all be happy to hear your progress, support you, and offer advice as needed.

Altenweg,

Thank you very much for your input. That's how my father is with my mother as well. I could always see it with him, but I hadn't until recently with my ex.

Short, sweet, and to the point, I like it.

It's hard not to look back, as ugly as the picture behind me may be and in all honesty, I have a bit of fear regarding the future. He was my second time being with a man in my entire life and the first relationship went somewhat similar. I believe that maybe a bit of my "hanging on" is that I am afraid no other man or women would be any better and a part of me clings to what I know rather than risk anything worse. I will be keeping my head up however and looking toward turning the corner to a whole new street of life.

Wondergirl, in the first few months (december until march) I lived in the neighboring town with my ex and his dad, I didn't go anywhere without him and he did not want to go to the library for anything except free internet (during which I sat silently at his side) in the months after I've been busy with trying to find a job and I'll admit, I have been stalling. My previous town I had gotten the library card when I was 3 years old, and kept the account even until now. I have tourettes syndrome that began developing around 13 and now it is so terribly embarrassing when I enter quiet places like libraries and doctor offices with uncontrollable stomping, clapping, and shrieking.

Maybe this end of this relationship will make a new beginning? Don't be controlled by those in a relationship and do not be controlled by my "condition" perhaps?

Just Looking,

Yes I have future plans (though I'm not sure how my tourettes syndrome will affect them) and I'm hoping working towards those goals will keep me busy and give me a sense of satisfaction to keep me going and away from people who keep me down.

I do plan to continue on this site. I have posted on many sites before to receive replies such as "u desrv it [explitive explitive]" "life sux get ova it" and the like with good advice and caring people few and far in between. I like being able to give good proper advice without the harassment of other site members for being kind

Being good to yourself and having goals that are supportive is the way to go.

You can do this.

Amicon,

Thank you. Before I was not so sure I could. Now I am certain I can

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Originally Posted by Lyra123

now it is so terribly embarrassing when I enter quiet places like libraries and doctor offices with uncontrollable stomping, clapping, and shrieking.

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Have you seen a doctor about the Tourette's? There are meds to help quiet the "sound effects." And by the way, libraries are no longer quiet places!

Doesn't Tourette's manifest itself even more when you are under stress? Be sure to let the clerks and librarians know you have Tourette's, and they will be much more understanding and protective of you. Also, call ahead, explain your situation and that you want a card, and ask them to pull certain books for you (if you know titles), so the book will be waiting for you to check out.

Wondergirl,
I can't get medication until I switch my insurance (I am a little embarrassed to admit I am going through welfare to apply for a more affordable insurance) as I am under 26, leaving me on my mother's insurance. It is good insurance, but has copays that I just cannot afford right now (because of this I also am not on my depression, bipolar, and ADD medication).

Once again, wonderful advice (is this why you are WONDERgirl?) It will probably be a lot better than screaming a scream from a bad horror movie, turning heads, and being chastised for disturbing the peace as I explain my condition.

And yes it does, though it doesn't always follow that pattern. Just like with arthritis patients, I have my good days where I twitch little to none, and my bad days where I'm a noisy twitchy mess.

When you call the library, be sure to ask what ID they will want to see so you can get your card. Libraries used to give a card to almost anyone who walked in, but those days are over because of identity theft, etc. You will probably need to present a photo ID of some sort and maybe one or two additional pieces of ID.

Ask where else you can use your card. A library card in my state (Illinois) can be used at most public libraries in the state as well as at a lot of college and university libraries.

I did go in once (before I got an address change ) and they said I'd need my ID or something in the mail having my name and address on it.

It can be used at any library within the county (I have an allegheny county card but no westmoreland card, which is were I am now)

Thank you for your help so far Wondergirl

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Originally Posted by Lyra123

Amicon,

thank you. Before I was not so sure I could. Now I am certain I can

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I never had any doubt. I know you can! :)

We're behind you all the way. If you ever have any doubts, come here and talk about it.

This site is great. The people on this site are the best people I've never met. I count many of them as friends, even though we're spread all over the world and will likely never meet.

I've been on many different sites, but this one is the best. The people here care about each other.

Now you're part of it. So use it. If you need help, need to talk, have doubts, talk to us. That's what we're here for. :)

I have no doubt that you're going to get through this, and you're going to come out of it happier, stronger, and ready to find someone that actually treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Don't you settle for less. You are worth it!

Thank you Alty. I am taking all the support I can get and I hope to one day be counted among the experts or even just be a well respected and liked member of AMHD.

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Originally Posted by Lyra123

Thank you Alty. I am taking all the support I can get and I hope to one day be counted among the experts or even just be a well respected and liked member of AMHD.

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Got news for you, you're already well liked and respected. :)

The Expert thing is just a title. We're all just people, we're all here for the same reason, to get help, and to give help. Don't let a title make you think we're anything special. Every person is an expert in their own right. :)