Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend of 3years now masturbating almost everyday to Internet porn

Blonde - the things you describe about your boyfriend suggest to me that he is unable to manage his problem with porn. If after confronting him about the issue he is still using it and is masturbating to it while you sex life has diminished, he is out of control with his behavior.

He probably wants to stop but doesn't know how to. He has probably acted on his impulse to view porn even knowing that it hurts you. That is quintessential unmanageability and a sign that he has a problem that he cannot control. Additionally, the fact that you have confronted him about it and he tries to minimize the problem by saying it's not a big deal tells me he's in denial regarding the problem. If it's a problem for you, it's a big deal... period. He needs to take you seriously.

Lastly, I would recommend a book to you called Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. You can find it at Barnes & Noble. It might help if you read it first to see if the things described in the book characterize your boyfriend. You may even purchase it and encourage him to read it for himself.

The important thing to realize here is that while relationships are difficult and both parties can contribute to problems in the relationship, this kind of an issue really has nothing to do with you. Odds are that he has brought this problem into the relationship and has used porn as coping mechanism for more deep-seeded problems and pain. It's important to know that you are not the source of this problem.

I hope this helps.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jakester

this kind of an issue really has nothing to do with you. Odds are that he has brought this problem into the relationship and has used porn as coping mechanism for more deep-seeded problems and pain. It's important to know that you are not the source of this problem.

I usually agree with you, but not this time.

Like Tal, I see this as very much a relationship problem. If he has "deep-seated problems and pain," where are they coming from? I'm guessing not from his childhood but from his feeling neglected in his marriage, among other things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I usually agree with you, but not this time.

Like Tal, I see this as very much a relationship problem. If he has "deep-seated problems and pain," where are they coming from? I'm guessing not from his childhood but from his feeling neglected in his marriage, among other things.

Wondergirl - I hear what you are saying. The reason I know this issue so well is because I have personally experienced it. I have been a part of group therapy and individual therapy. It is a relational problem but neither you nor I have been given a significant body of information about this man's life to know the extent of what his problems are.

But I'm not here to talk about myself. You don't want to close the door on all of the possible resolutions to what her situation is and dismiss my advice out of hand. I know what my issue has been and what has worked and she may find help with what I suggested or maybe not... but she can make the determination to take the advice or not.

I appreciate your comments although I do humbly disagree.

Other than the title, there is no evidence he even has time to be a porn addict, or does it everyday. I did the math, 9 months of being pregnant, and a year together is still two strangers with a new baby with an awful lot of growing together to do. The dust has yet to settle. Just saying.

Ok guys we were together for about 2 years, then pregnant, also he had to move in a few years before to take care if his parents one with copd, and cancer, and the other lost his leg due to poor circulation, and heart attack.

Well three months before the baby his father died, which he found that morning went in to wake him up, and noticed he was cold stiff, and blue, suffered a massive heart attack in his sleep.

Then the baby was born. Then three months after that his mother died. The illness finally caught up to her. She had been on a hospital bed in our living room for years at this point, so we found her as well, even though she was still alive she was blurry, and gasping for air. We had a nurse with her that night, but she never woke us up she waited till I woke up about 5 am to feed baby, and then simply said I think we need to call ambulance, but it was to late, she passed on the way to the hospital.

I do blame a lot of this for his reason for doing so except, he started before all this about 6 months prior which eventually became a routine for him come home from work watch porn in the bathroom, jack off, take a shower like clock work every day. Well I let it go cause the baby thing, then by the time I was ready to speak up his dad passed, so it kept getting put off.

He said himself he's always done it, so I don't think these things are the cause but definitely made it worse.

Wow!!

We do understand. All we are saying is that you have to try to get him to make the turkey dinner (love to you) rather than the bologna (masturbation). Can you find a way?

Perhaps with a baby around, he may feel like there is so much to do at home. Are you constantly asking for him to make love to you and complaining to the point he feels it is an obligation? Maybe give him some time to come to you for some love making. Let him miss it and don't send the pictures so that he can want the real thing at home. Just my piece of advice.

I can almost guarantee that this routine will change in time, once he has reconciled his own losses, as the baby grows, and there is more interaction, and once the two of you have less conflicts in your schedules.

From what you have written there is a lot of isolation between you due to both your daily routines, and his porn habits are more stress relief, than pulling away from you.

For sure, this is a time of emotional dust settling for you both, and that may take a few years to find that which you both are comfortable with. Talk of both your schedules, and chores that keep you on different levels, TALK, not argue, and don't force change, work for it, it's a big difference.

The goal is not more sex, but better quality time, as a family, and as a couple. This was why I tried to point out the need for patience, and seeing things not through the filter, of your own needs,or feelings but consider how the reality in which you live, calls, no screams for some adjustments by you both. I don't think that you can make him change, but you can change yourself, so he understands that he must adjust also, but unless you work together to build that life together, there will be more conflict, not less, and there is no need for a heavy hand that will frustrate you both.

How partners handle these transitions from one situation to another is what bonds them, or tears them apart, and you both are at the point of this relationship, where there is less coasting, and more defining yourselves to each other, so you work together. That's your key, re establishing those close communications to understand each other better.

I think you will get through this, as long as you remember its two of you, not one, and while he needs time, so do you. Change does not happen overnight, but as long as you both keep talking, and listening to each other, you will keep moving forward. Bet it wouldn't take much gentle exploring to understand why he does what he does, or be reminded he has a wife who needs to be included as a part of that routine.

If you see this as the temporary glitch that it is, you won't take it so personally. Things will change for the better, just hang in there, and talk and listen, and be good to each other.

Thank u t man O so much you have shed a light on my spiraling out of control situation! I can't get over the hurt that I feel but this has definitely give me hope thank u

HOPE is what keeps me and the wife together, for the last 35 years. Knowing we will deal with whatever life throws at us, together, and we have had MANY obstacles to overcome. And probably many MORE to come.

Im willing to work through ANYthing the world throws at us I just can't be the only one I need him to do the same I'm sure we will b fine I just wish I could forget the hurt it causes me

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blondebarber

I just wish I could forget the hurt it causes me

Don't dwell on it or continue to bring it up to him. Use the pain of that hurt to spur you on to putting your analyzing cap on and finding solutions for the relationship problems you two have. How about both of you going to a couples counselor for a few sessions?

We are here for you too, by the way.

That's out of the question for him:(

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blondebarber

That's out of the question for him:(

Why?

The best way to cope with hurt feelings, is being good to yourself.

This is a true story, I started paying attention when my wife used retail therapy to make herself happy. SHE SPARED NO EXPENSE FOR HERSELF!!

When I balked, she told me if I can't make her happy, then she will make herself happy. When the queen is happy the whole castle is happy, when its not... I would rather be fishing!!

Not exactly sure just not something he wants to do or thinks it's that impirtant

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blondebarber

Not exactly sure just not something he wants to do or thinks it's that impirtant

Then YOU find a therapist/counselor and go by yourself. Eventually, he will be invited to a session.

Thank u everyone your thought have been helpful

Guys this stuff is killing me inside! I'm can't even talk about it with him anymore because I just sound like a broken record at this point, I try to ignore it but when it's there I instantly crush inside not to mention the anger and frustration HELP

Take it easy. This is part of the hard times in a marriage. Like TMan said, it can take a while. You need to hang in there. Everything will be fine. Take it easy for now. Let it pass and pray.