How about discussing boundaries with your partner so that you both have the same expectations in the relationship?

My husband is a big flirt and I have no problems with it because we have established boundaries and he doesn't flirt behind behind my back. If it seems to me that he is crossing the line, I let him know and he tones it down. I trust him and respects me. Do you have that type of relationship?

There is a very big difference between innocent flirting and going to far.

If you know that the other person's feelings are more than being friendly, then you should discourage the person. You should not respond by flirting back or 'checking' him/her out. You should explain that you are not available to play games with him/her.

A good rule is don't do anything that you wouldn't want your partner to do.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

How about discussing boundaries with your partner so that you both have the same expectations in the relationship?

My husband is a big flirt and I have no problems with it because we have established boundaries and he doesn't flirt behind behind my back. If it seems to me that he is crossing the line, I let him know and he tones it down. I trust him and respects me. Do you have that type of relationship?

There is a very big difference between innocent flirting and going to far.

If you know that the other person's feelings are more than being friendly, then you should discourage the person. You should not respond by flirting back or 'checking' him/her out. You should explain that you are not available to play games with him/her.

A good rule is don't do anything that you wouldn't want your partner to do.

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ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cat1864 again

A good rule is don't do anything that you wouldn't want your partner to do. (cat1864)

Exactly!

I'm generally patient with my significant other, but he isn't nearly as patient with me. I never treat him as though the things he feels strongly about are invalid, even if I don't agree; on the other hand, when I tell him something that he does not agree with, he calls me immature, resorts to treating me with sarcasm and makes comments to the effect that I am oversensitive. When I tell him that I hoped he would be a little kinder to me because I'm pretty kind to him, he responds by saying that he is not me, and therefore, I shouldn't expect that from him.

In that regard, I think I have developed a sense of entitlement, because I tend to expect that he will be patient with me, and not be condescending or insulting, because I am not that way with him. I understand that this is not the way the world works. At the same time, I don't think it's unreasonable to want a little patience from him from time to time, and a lot less sarcasm and ridicule.

Thus far, he has demonstrated that it is his nature to be incapable of neither the patience nor the understanding that I want from a relationship. His justifications of his sarcastic attitude suggest that he sees nothing wrong with saying whatever he wants when he loses patience. I've asked him recently to be more patient with me, and that resulted in him justifying his impatience and ridiculing me for being oversensitive. Maybe it's because of my sense of entitlement, but I feel that I'm the one stuck with the shorter end of the stick in my relationship because my needs aren't being met.

So, other than drop the sense of entitlement, what should I do? Suck it up, and ask him for what I need again? Should I just give up?

Sounds like you have tried to fix this in a mature way! Ask yourself this, what do you get out of this relationship??

Sarcasm and ridicule,;is that what you want from a relationship?

I call sarcasm and ridicule emotional abuse,and I'd have run out of patience long ago.

If your needs aren't being met it's time to end it.

End it... you're not getting what you need from this relationship and he isn't going to change. Unless you can accept that this is his personality, and get used to it, you will continue to have the same results.

You apparently want someone who is more sensitive to your needs, or at least willing to put forth some effort to make an attempt. He doesn't fit either one of those.

When honest communications does not result in changes you both can live with OVER TIME, then you really have to reevaluate if this thing is going the way you want, because the goal of a partnership is to work together to the benefit of you both.

This will probably be seem harsh.

I read the thread and I don't see any honest communications happening in this relationship.

I think you are still being passive aggressive and now call it 'entitlement'. I think you still have a lot of anger stored up and I think he is reacting to that as well as having his own personality issues. I think the two of you are damaging each other.

I don't think you are being honest with yourself. I don't think you have been happy in this relationship for a very long time. I think you have been looking for an out.

I don't think the flirting and checking out the friend was/is as 'innocent' as you were trying to make it out to be. I think you might be on the edge of looking for a replacement for your boyfriend while you are still with him.

If you aren't happy, get out of the relationship. Heal and work on your relationship with yourself. Look at the changes you need to make to be a stronger and healthier partner. When you are ready there will be a partner who is better suited to you than this person seems to be.

Good luck.

Whoa there, Cat1864, don't break a leg jumping to conclusions! The question about flirting was a theoretical scenario, and I asked to find out how people would handle the situation. I've never flirted outside of my relationship, nor did I state that I did. Hell, I've never even been in that situation.

Secondly, entitlement and passive aggressive behavior are not to be confused with one another. I call it entitlement because I expected that he'd treat me with the same kindness I treat him, when in reality, I am not entitled to his reciprocation because I choose to be kind. Passive-aggressive behavior (according to Wikipedia) is a resistance to follow through with expectations in interpersonal situations. There's no such resistance as far as I can tell... I'm definitely not withholding my kindness towards him because of his unkindness towards me. Again, it seems you've confused my most recent question about entitlement with my first question, which had to do with passive-aggressiveness.

Long story short: I don't know whose idea it was to merge my questions, but it seems to be causing massive confusion of the issue at hand. As such, I really think that my questions should be treated separately.

banzai,

I think your two posts are very similar. You are not being heard, or at least your feelings are not being considered, in your relationship.

It comes down to whether you feel he will change given the number of times you have talked to him about it. If you want to continue trying to get him to behave towards, respond to, and acknowledge you and your feelings the way you would like him to, that is up to you.

However, since this has apparently been on-going, and you have tried to talk to him about, only to basically have your thoughts be dismissed, it appears you will continue to be faced with the same treatment.

Unless he is willing to even acknowledge that he might need to make some changes, either verbally to you or silently to himself, it isn't going to happen.

You could ask about seeing a counselor together, but I get the feeling he would see this as your problem, not a problem for the two of you, and certainly not his problem.

Let me explain why your threads were merged. Because they were about the same thing, even though you tried to approach it differently. That the whole problem in your relationship that you need to see, none of your approaches have brought the changes you seek simply because you want HIM to change. That never works. You have to change yourself, to change the situation and the only choices you have are to remove yourself, or accept who he is.

Neither are easy choices and require a lot of thought. So lets drop the semantics, accept you can't change him, and go from there. Doesn't matter how you parse this, YOU have to choose how YOU will proceed given the facts.

What usually happens when a partner is unwilling to leave, they find someone else that understands, and listens to them. Hopefully, in your case, a good best friend because he don't care to understand your feelings, or do anything about them.

You chose him. You can always UN-CHOOSE him also, and that would get his attention, and he would have to make a choice. But you aren't that willing are you? You would rather find ways to change his behavior.

Good luck with that.

Just so you know, theoretical questions are in the member discussion forum. Multiple relationship questions by the same poster, are always merged, just so all the facts, or lies can be in one place.

Sound advice, talanaiman... and of course I wish I could change his behaviour, but I know I can't. However, what I CAN do is make sure he understands where I am coming from, and then he can decide on that basis whether he can accept it or not.

I'm not about to un-choose him just to get his attention... to be honest, something always irks me about that approach. In my opinion, there's a difference between changing as a result of understanding and acceptance, and being forced to change to avoid an undesirable outcome. But that's just me; it has worked for other people I know. They both lead to the same result, right?

Finally, I was unaware that you're only supposed to ask questions relevant to your own relationship here. My apologies.

Could it be that he does understand what you express, but chooses his own way of reacting? That's the part you don't like, his reaction which is not what you want.

It makes you feel a certain way, and there is the conflict, because you have yet to speak in a language he understands. May I suggest the blunt honesty in telling him how his reactions make you feel, and then convey what you expect? If you go through this whole thread you can see the misunderstanding that comes from clarity of the way you express yourself. Comparing him to others may be a mistake also simply because you expect things to work a certain way, and it doesn't then you have to find that works with him. It's a process, so keep an open mind so you can keep a perspective that allows you some valuable crucial information about how HIS mind works.

This is how couples learn each others language, and actually communicate. No telling what's on his mind when you tell him things, so find out, so you know how to react to him better. If he himself is too stubborn, or unwilling, or UNABLE, to give you the sense that he listens, pays attention, and understands you, then you do have a decision to make.

How long have you been with this fellow and how old are you both?? I ask because I see a disconnect in expectations that may be due to you both being new to each other, and your ways, and simply have not put communications on a better track, or maybe you both are very stubborn in the way you go about dealing with each other.

LOL, yes you are very stubborn, so don't deny it. And it occurs to me that you may not know what to do about a male that does not cater to your sensitivity. Yes you are that too, and need a lot of emotional attention. A lot! That's only my opinion, mind you, but you will correct me if I am wrong. Yes I have formed an opinion, because I have been paying attention to everything you write. Hopefully I will get a reaction that yields more facts as frankly, facts are like pulling teeth, even though we are anonymous here.

This thread is funny because the girl that recently broke up with me had the same issues. She would never let anything go (I'm talking about stuff that happened at the beginning of our relationship that was very petty; trust me she threw it in my face when she dumped me). This is my insight as to what happened to me when I would get communication of my gf's feelings: 1) it was usually something that happened months ago and she never told me she was upset at the time the event happened (whatever it may be), 2) after I either apologized or tried we discussed her hurt feelings, she would revert back to that same example in the future (she didn't truly let it go).

I don't feel like we had a communication issue; it really boiled down to her not letting things go that I had no idea affected her because she didn't tell me in the past it upset her. I believe it is because she did the same thing you did; she calmly reflected and over-analyzed a past situation, in which she became upset again. Anyone can do that; find anything that upset you in the past (that you thought you were over), then over analyze it. The same feelings will return. The key is letting things go, pick your battles, and tell him everything you told us (how you can't put your feelings into words when you are upset). As a man, I understand that line. But don't repress your feelings, nor dwell on them. Your story is the same as mine almost; my girlfriend started building resentment inside herself over things that occurred in the past and to me, were resolved. No matter what I did to try to prevent this resentment; she built it anyway because she wouldn't let things go.

The best word of advice I could say is; don't look back, you can't ever look back. What happened in the past is exactly what it is. Just put it on the table with your boyfriend, tell him what you told us, and move forward; let it go (unless it is something that your boyfriend really has done wrong; things like that are usually obvious).

Good luck to you!

Talaniman,

To answer your questions, yes, it is possible that he understands me just fine, but I'd rather be sure than assume. Also, we've been together for a year and a half, and we're both in our mid-twenties. And yes, I'm both stubborn and sensitive. Not sure about the need-for-lots-of-emotional-attention thing though... never really thought about it. Either way, I hope your keen analysis of my personality is leading up to some sort of relevant point which could be useful in my own introspection regarding the issue at hand.

Blindsided,

That's an interesting perspective. Thanks for the insight. ^_^

No problem; but remember, I am coming from a perspective of a man. Sometimes you just got to give us a break; we aren't usually trying to intentionally trying to hurt our girlfriend's feelings. Most guys just want their girlfriends to be happy because it makes us happy. Yea we do stupid stuff, but trust me, we usually feel bad about it. We just don't admit to it

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Originally Posted by banzai

Talaniman,

To answer your questions, yes, it is possible that he understands me just fine, but I'd rather be sure than assume. Also, we've been together for a year and a half, and we're both in our mid-twenties. And yes, I'm both stubborn and sensitive. Not sure about the need-for-lots-of-emotional-attention thing though...never really thought about it. Either way, I hope your keen analysis of my personality is leading up to some sort of relevant point which could be useful in my own introspection regarding the issue at hand.

Blindsided,

That's an interesting perspective. Thanks for the insight. ^_^

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By not addressing your feelings and concerns you are building resentments because you are unsure whether your partner understands you. This may be a sign of insecurity, maybe from his actions, or some other event in your life that hasn't been addressed and causes you some sort of fear.

Hard to say, but your statement of making sure, and not presuming that he does understand how you feel is probably something to look into, especially given how HE reacts to your concerns. Not unusual for a guy not to be especially sensitive, but communications and understanding is an ongoing process, with a lot of trial, and error.

Seldom is there instant success, or positive results. To expect change over night is unrealistic, and getting to carried away by feelings of frustration, fear, and obstacles distracts us from the goal of working together through honest communications to resolve issues to the benefit of you both.

I can only suggest that you give more thought to the HOW, WHEN, and WHAT of the way you express yourself to your guy, with emphasis on clarity, and HONESTY, that means when your sensitive side is dominant, he must know it, so he can best deal with it. He has to have the FACTS from you as well as the feelings behind them.

Be patient, as you cannot always act on your own feelings without careful thought, just so you can be clear, and HE doesn't have to assume or presume what it is that has you all worked up, or what you are trying to accomplish, so he knows what react, or feedback you expect, and want, and need from him.

If neither of you already has these communications skills, you have to be willing to gain them through working WITH each other. Some never get it, or are willing to get it, and they seldom survive together.

In this way Blindside is right, letting go of past failures, is the key to dealing with the present problems.

Simply put, you are trying to hard, and your expectations may be unreasonable given your level of experience with communicating with your partner. It takes a lot of patience to communicate, and while you expect empathy from him, you must give it also, and that still translates to patience, as he learns about YOU!

Reread your entire post, as I did, with an open mind, and you will see what I mean. Having an open mind will get you more facts you need to know, that pushing to be understood. When you push, people push back.