Moderator, it appears you have deleted my most recent question by merging them. Can you please add the rest of my question back?
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Moderator, it appears you have deleted my most recent question by merging them. Can you please add the rest of my question back?
Are you referring to what is now post #13?Quote:
Originally Posted by NCDad
No, my original question under "Less Time Together" is gone and replaced by the previous question of mine.
How do I go from being intimately involved in all aspects with this woman to just being casually involved. We used to talk and text multiple times a day, that has stopped. I may or may not hear from her once a day and then she keeps the conversation very shallow and doesn't say much about what she has been doing or what she is going to do. This is killing me. It is like I have been reduced to a casual friend she relates with on occaision. For me its like we have broken up but I'm still in limbo.
He meant post #20 Cat, and thats the price that people pay for starting new threads about the same thing.
It starts with having a life that you enjoy without her. I suspect not only did this thing move to fast, but you were a bit smothering. Whatever the reason she has backed way off, and you need to do the same, because you really have no relationship that's committed, at least not to her, so she has a right to do her thing, and you should be doing yours. Not obsessing over a quick fling that has fizzled out.Quote:
How do I go from being intimately involved in all aspects with this woman to just being casually involved.
Its mostly accepting her actions as a hint her feelings don't jibe with yours, and bowing out gracefully, regrouping, and have something else to do that doesn't include her.
Talaniman Rule - Don't miss other opportunities and options because you're stuck on someone who is not as stuck on you, that’s just plain crazy.
Look up the word stuck, and you will understand where you are.
Uh, yes we were in a committed and exclusive relationship and I was no more smothering than she was, she was the one that had already started planning our wedding and telling her friends we were getting married. It's not always the guy's fault you know. Neither would I call it quick fling. Regardless, I am matching her level of intensity at this point and definitely plan to enjoy my free time too. Thanks for all the comments!
lvgmng does not find this helpful : I felt it was a little on the negative side
How about reading the site rules? Do you "feel" like doing that?
"Disagrees" are for factually incorrect answers only.
We welcome all new members to give their input, but we do expect them to obligate themselves to actually READ the terms of service, and site rules before they arrogantly jump in.
Update... The beautiful lady and I were married in April. We have a great relationship. From all appearances she is very devoted and committed to me. Because of this I have managed to overcome most of my trust issues. However, very recently I became aware of something that has caused me concern and it again involves her trainer. I have become aware that when they text each other he calls her sweetie and she calls him babe! She is not aware that I know this. Recently we were talking about their relationship and she continues to maintain they have never dated or been together and to quote "he has never been anything less than professional with her". Still I find it very odd and troubling that they exchange terms of endearment, to me this indicates their relationship however innocent is more than professional. I need feedback and suggestions on how to handle this and what I should do.
As you already know, they are friends. Friends often have endearments that mean nothing more than acknowledging the friendship and being comfortable talking with each other as they should be.
However, you also live in the South where babe, honey, sweetie, etc. are used for just about anyone and everyone. It means nothing more than being friendly.
I don't know how you found out what they call each other when they text, but that might be more disturbing than what you found. It is also disturbing that you are on here asking us about this rather than talking to her.
You married her. She married you. She didn't go out with him or marry him. Even if she did, she had plenty of opportunity before you even came on the scene if he was what she wanted. Pack up your insecurities and toss them out. Get rid of them so that you don't keep tripping over them. Do not allow them to become a wall between the two of you.
Have fun with your beautiful new bride and Congratulations.
Just curious, what in your past has you so insecure that honest communications doesn't reassure you? If my math is correct, you have known each other, or dating for less than a year right?
Talaniman, I guess it was how in January and February she did the complete 180 leaving me in total limbo. That left me highly sensitive to anything that appears suspicious. Her referring to him as babe just seems very strange. I know I would never refer to any of my female friends as babe, I reserve that level of endearment for her only. I wonder how she would react if the tables were turned?
So what led to you getting back on the same page enough to get married? After seeing what her moods were capable of? Personally, I think you are not so use to her ways as to have a proper frame of reference as to her style, and maybe expecting her to act the same way you would has you thrown off.
Usually as we get to know people, we get use to their quirks, or style, and make adjustments, not worry about what every new thing that's different is about to the point that causes us distress. I think that's common with partners. To be honest, if that's all you have are terms of endearment, casual at that, I think you may be letting yourself be carried away by your own fears, and letting them affect how you deal with the new, and different thing you are learning.
But I can tell you it's a bad sign when you don't believe her when she does try to reassure you. Are you positive you have put your trust issues behind you?? Regardless of your feelings, and what you have been through, its obvious through out your entire post that you both have much to learn of each other, and you seem to be rushing the process. Judging things through the filter of your own feelings make you less OBJECTIVE in my opinion, and hinders adjustments to be made.
Have you been snooping on her, and that's how you gained this latest observation??
Well let me just say it's things such as this that raise my suspicions. I have tried to be more objective putting my issues behind me, but then I happen upon something like this and those issue are brought back to the surface. I'm just saying that knowing her as I do (granted less than a year) I can't see her calling him babe in a casual friendly manner, that just doesn't compute. It would be like me calling one of my female co-workers babe, it is very out of context.
One of my closest friends is male to whom I converse with daily and is indeed my 'babe', 'hunny', 'sweetie' and any other form of endearement. My dearest friends of the female gender are also 'babe' & 'hun'.
My closest friend (male) hugs me, link arms as we walk and generally act as if we're a couple. But, he's gay.
That ever been a consideration?
Oh, this guy is definitely NOT gay. He is a former Chippendale, a male model and her personal trainer.
HARSHNESS WARNING
This is complete and utter bull:
January and February are when she was reacting to your insecurities that you told us about in December.Quote:
Originally Posted by NCDad
Please tell me where her actions started your insecurities. Remember this:
This is about you and no one else. Either you get your head together and look at what you have or you continue to blame her and her trainer for their friendship and drive her away.Quote:
Originally Posted by NCDad
You knew from the beginning that he is her trainer and friend. You have created scenarios that feed your insecurities. It is up to you to change as supposedly you had or I doubt she would have married you. (By the way, it is not uncommon for male models and Chippendale's Dancers to be homosexual.)
You may not have told her about your latest issue, but I can guarantee that you are probably showing that something is wrong. How much tension do you think she is willing to live with before she asks what is wrong? How are you going to answer her? With confrontation and accusations or with open communication and letting her know you are working on your issues?
You know, I suppose if I told you I had become aware that she and her trainer had kissed or had been meeting secretly for lunch or had been having casual sex, I would still get the blame for being insecure. Thise things are perfectly normal and innocent, RIGHT! No one has even acknowledged that it is inappropriate for a married woman to refer to another man as "babe", which is an intimate, sexual, term of endearment. In fact it is what she calls ME! So, either he is on the same level with her as me or "babe" means nothing more than "hey you". Regardless, I reserve this address for only the person I love and am in an intimate loving relationship with. I would never call another woman "babe". And, she is not the typical southern flo-jo who calls everyone honey, dear, sweetheart, or sugar cakes . I have never heard here refer to any man other than me (and now him) as "babe". To me this is just inappropriate. Thus I do not agree that it is all in my head and all about me and my insecurities!
I know what I will do. I will go hire me a smoking hot "babe" as my very own personal trainer and all will be well. I can see her three days a week, call her "babe" or whatever I want, maybe even do lunch sometime. It's all good, perfectly normal. Right?
Have they kissed or had sex? No, according to you.
Are they friends and have a working relationship? Yes, according to you.
I am not your typical southern flo-jo either. It takes me a long time to get comfortable enough to use endearments with anyone other than my children. My husband had to wait months before I called him 'dear' when we started dating. However, now, because of how secure I am with him and our relationship, I can allow myself to be less reserved around others. I guess I am lucky that my husband encourages the less up-tight me. If he didn't I couldn't be here trying to help others.
My point is that she may not be as reserved on the inside as you want her to be. Loving you and being secure in your relationship may be freeing up who she really is. In a way, it is like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon.
You seem to place a lot of power in one word. Does she know how you view that endearment? Have you told her how you feel or are you sulking and pouting because she dared to call someone else by a very common pet name? She calls you husband. Isn't that word worth more than a casual 'dear'?
(Have they kissed or had sex? No, according to you.) No, not no according to me, no according to her. (Are they friends and have a working relationship? Yes, according to you.) Yes supposedly Client and Advisor relationship. And yes she married me and calls me husband which is exactly why she should not be calling him "babe". Loving me and being secure in our relationship, should not give her the freedom to express her intimate feelings and expressions to other men, it should do the opposite. I don't want her to be up-tight, but I don't expect her to call other men "babe". It's not just one word, it's the connotation behind it. I know her and it means she is very very friendly with him to the degree that she uses an intimate, sexual, term of endearment to address him. It would be no different than calling, him honey, or sweetheart etc... which to me is totally inappropriate. I don't consider "babe" a very common pet name for a friend. Again it puts him on the same level as me, which is a level no other man in her life should have. I am not sulking, I am concerned and offended. Is it not possible that while she married me for safety and security, yet maintains her "friendship" with him which clearly has a degree of intimacy with the clear potential of an emotional affair or even a "fwb"? This happens all the time!
'Babe' is a sexual term? Is that really the only way it is used in your mind? Is it in hers?
I am sorry but I think you need to communicate with her and find out what it means to her. Be honest with her about why you are asking. Listen to what she has to say and pay attention.
If she knows how you feel, then together you can compromise on what is acceptable and what isn't. Right now, this is all in your mind. Is it fair to her to be held accountable for something she doesn't even know about? Do you really want a marriage where your wife has to walk on eggshells because she doesn't know what will trigger your insecurities next or even that she has triggered them?
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