Ask Me Help Desk - She says she wants things to work out between us

I have recently read the new comments and it has been very disheartening. She keeps pushing for a friendship and to continue seeing each other. Again and again she has said that she would love if her and I could work out, but she cannot trust that I have really changed yet. Sadly enough, even though the current situation is uncomfortable I hate to walk away when she is asking me to stay. Early in the break-up I asked her to not come around anymore and she sadly agreed, however, she had left the door open for me. It is obvious that I eventually gave in. When she asked me to move on we were arguing about where the relationship is going. It is really funny, when we go out to movies and dinner and do fun stuff we get along great, if and only if I keep myself from asking her about the relationship. I mean we hold hands and exchange loving remarks, it always feels as if we are moving forward, but it just takes one mistake from me and we are back to square one. I really hate myself because I drove her away when she was head over heels for me, and now again when I have had this opportunity to change it all around. Over the past three and a half months she has conveyed so many different signals, and maybe I have ignored the negative ones. When things are over they are over and that person that you spent so much time and energy with is gone, and you are empty. I guess I have given it my best that I can at this point and I can't do anymore. Thaks for all the advice.

Wayne, with all due respect I'm not surprised she's pushing you away. She told you that you were too controlling. You admitted you were too controlling. And yet you keep going back for more. This relationship is not stable. Quite honestly you not stable. You can't make a stable decision that isn't emotionally based that causes destructive results. Then you get upset with yourself for making one bad decision and try to correct it and it turns out worse. The cycle just continues.

Stop talking to her. I don't care if she tells you that you're the only one for her because she's not good for you right now. You have got to stop this control problem you have so that you'll be emotionally healthy for the rest of your life. This won't be the last time you run into this situation. The best time to prepare for it and make some decisions on what to do is now or at least in a couple months from now when your emotional connection wears off.

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Originally Posted by wayneb1982

I have recently read the new comments and it has been very disheartening. She keeps pushing for a friendship and to continue seeing each other. Again and again she has said that she would love if her and I could work out, but she cannot trust that I have really changed yet.

But you haven't changed. Look at this whole situation. It recks of desperation which is a the sister of control. You keep pushing for something that she has told you not to push for.

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Originally Posted by wayneb1982

Sadly enough, even though the current situation is uncomfortable I hate to walk away when she is asking me to stay.

She's either toying with you or trying to be nice. But she is not your concern. I'm going to repeat that. SHE IS NOT YOUR CONCERN. You are your concern. You have a controlling problem. You have to fix that or your going to wind up repeating the same pattern woman after woman.

And some women will use you. So you have to be able to stand up for yourself and take control of a situation but not control every aspect of the relationship.

Who cares what she says. She's giving you mixed messages. So lose her. Figure out what you want and then find a woman. Ironically enough, she is controlling you by your emotions, which you should be the one controlling always. You never let her control those. Those belong to you and if she wants space then give it to her. All the way. You don't need her friendship if she isn't going to help you emotionally get over this.

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Originally Posted by wayneb1982

Early in the break-up I asked her to not come around anymore and she sadly agreed, however, she had left the door open for me. It is obvious that I eventually gave in. When she asked me to move on we were arguing about where the relationship is going.

What's to argue? It's going nowhere. Why did you even bring it up. You had a lifetime ahead you. I know I said 8 months to a year and Tal said you had your whole life. That was like a week ago. Why did you even bring it up? It just reeks of desperation.

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Originally Posted by wayneb1982

It is really funny, when we go out to movies and dinner and do fun stuff we get along great, if and only if I keep myself from asking her about the relationship.

Hmmm, seems like we've heard that before. Did you read our advice at all?

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Originally Posted by wayneb1982

I mean we hold hands and exchange loving remarks, it always feels as if we are moving forward, but it just takes one mistake from me and we are back to sqaure one.

Well that is why you should not be concerned with her (ie controlling her) and only concerned with what's going on in your life. If you had given her a long time perhaps she could have come to you. But you kept pushing it. So now it's over. She told you not push and you did.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wayneb1982

I really hate myself because I drove her away when she was head over heels for me, and now again when I have had this opportunity to change it all around. Over the past three and a half months she has conveyed so many different signals, and maybe I have ignored the negative ones. When things are over they are over and that person that you spent so much time and energy with is gone, and you are empty.

Believe me, I've been there. That is why in the future you get involved you don't give everything. You only give 50% or ideally 35 to 40%. Your emotional gas tank is on empty right now, but you can fill it back up. But it's going to take time and you never let it run dry again.

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Originally Posted by wayneb1982

I guess I have given it my best that I can at this point and I can't do anymore. Thaks for all the advice.

You need to focus on yourself and learn why your so controlling. You need to set up points in the relationship where you will not go or concern yourself with. If a relationship crosses a certain point than you need to take control and bring it back to within the boundaries or end the relationship.

Wayne, if you try re-reading your post, maybe from a third party perspective, you'll see that she in essence had broken up with you without saying the words, break up. She gave you the old verbal Dear John and your extreme desire to ignore it accomplished just that, you ignored it, however, that doesn't make it not real.

She doesn't have the nerve, like Tal said to say the words, "It's over". I don't know if she thinks she's trying to be benevolent by offering you friendship, or if it's her own selfishness that doesn't want you around as a boyfriend, but as a friend/security blanket.

You asked if it would be a good idea to date around, right now, maybe not so much. Both Chuff and Tal have given you great insight but your controlling nature and stubbornness won't accept it, you reject their words it seems because you think that you know how to fix it. You don't. I think that if you were to just unplug, take a step back, a deep breath, you'll see what's just happened, in time you'll see and understand why and THEN, you'll make great strides within yourselves.

You say you hate to walk when she's asking you to stay, but see that she's asking you to stay on HER terms, in other words, when she feels like having you around. Now, controlling or not, I think that if she's not happy with your behavior then she needs to cut you loose or stick it out.

Wayne, your choice to conduct yourself this way in a relationship is very selfish. It allows you and only you to get what you want because you are controlling it. You use manipulation and power to get what you want out of that person instead of having a healthy give and take. You really need to work on yourself before you consider proceeding with this girl or any other for that matter. It will take some time, but all good things are worth waiting for.