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QUOTE by Gmoney25;
I've read all of the stickies and I still have a few questions.
1. Is it wise to ask a girl out within the next week or two? I have a few possibilities, but as I said earlier, I know I'm not ready for a relationship, but would a dinner date hurt? One of the girls I'm thinking of knows that I've been going through some issues lately.

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I would not be thinking about one on one dating, unless you make it as friends only. Naw, the chances of you being ready for a step like that is almost nil, but socializing is different. Romantic settings are out, as are intimate ones for a while during your adjustment period, for you, and whomever may fall interested in you. Temptation to take shortcuts to feeling better, often ends in disaster, and healing is a slow process, not an overnight event. Baby steps are best one day at a time.

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2. When I do go on a date how do I describe my situation without freaking the new girl out? Do I just say that I recently ended a 3 year relationship? I would think that may scare some people off as they don't want to be the rebound. Do I try to be honest and tell them that I'm just looking for friendly dates because I'm not ready for a relationship?

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That's one reason why you don't get into intimate, or romantic situations and never talk about your misery, hurt and pain with strangers you don't know well (present company excluded of course). What a turn off, don't you think, caviar and crying don't mix, and be honest, who but the best, most loyal friends will actually care? Even they will have their limits though,

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3. I know this is addressed in the stickies, but I can't come to terms with deleting her from Facebook. We haven't changed our status from "in a relationship with *********" When we talked on Sunday, neither one of us was ready to make any changes to FB, because once that happens all of our 300+ friends will see it and the questions will start flooding in. Neither one of us wants that. I don't go through her pictures of us and think back, etc. but it just seems too painful to delete her and I know she feels the same.

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Think about this that you tell someone you're single, and they see different on your network page, what a liar you are. Hard as it is, this is something done sooner rather than later. You will have to face your public any way, so you may as well get it over with, and be done with it.

Hope this helps and if you have more questions... shoot.

I wanted to add something that is helping me get through this. There is an awesome song out right now by Sara Evans called "A Little Bit Stronger". It is about someone going through a break up and they are getting a little bit stronger every day. I'm trying to deal with this the best I can and I do feel like I'm getting stronger each day.

Update: I haven't talked to her since 10/30, which is 10 days ago when I went to her house to pick up my stuff. Her kids were there and she went to her 14 y.o. daughters room to tell her I was there. Her daughter was just hanging out in the bed watching TV. When she saw me, she jumped up out of the bed and came running over to me and gave me a big hug. She has never really hugged me before in the past. I lost it and had to leave the room. My ex and I were both crying and she told me that her daughter has been really sad without me around. We went out back and were talking and her daughter came outside and asked if she could sit with us, which of course we said yes. All three of us sat and talked for another 45 minutes. I finally left and haven't talked to her since. I did text her daughter later that afternoon and told her that I will always be someone she can talk to if she ever needs me. She texted back and said she feels the same and that she really misses me. I didn't text her back again.

I did make the mistake of sending her an email on Tuesday, 11/2 (7 days ago). I told her that I feel bad about what her daughter is dealing with having to handle her mom kicking her dad and now another guy out of her home life. I then recalled a few times in which I think she acted inappropriately with other men, by emailing, texts, etc. I said some tough things such as I would never be able to trust her and I should have listened to my friends when they said "if she'll cheat on her husband of 15 years, she'll cheat on you." I know I shouldn't have sent the email, but I was very angry because I found out that she was talking to the guy that she met last month at her competition out of state. The guy lives 1000 miles away. I know I shouldn't care about what she is doing, but it just hurts that she is moving on so quickly. As many have stated in other threads, she probably felt like this is the time to make a change because she met this new guy and now she can take her "break." I ended the email by informing her to change her Facebook status (it still indicated that she and I were in a relationship) as I would be changing mine that day. My intent was to change it in a way that it wouldn't post on our wall's and all of our friends would be sending us emails wanting to know what happened.

Later that afternoon, I saw that she changed it and I changed mine. A few hours later, I sent her a text and said thanks for changing your FB status, I guess you aren't responding to my email. She said that she may or may not and that she is still trying to absorb all of the insults. I responding by saying that sometimes you need to write things down and it felt better to get that off my chest. I have not received any response whatsoever since that text a week ago.

I finally got up the nerve to delete her from FB. I did it on 2 days ago and feel better because now she can't see what is happening in my life. Unfortunately, she doesn't have her FB as private as mine, so I can still view her page, just like I was her friend. I'm trying not to look at it, but I do at least once a day. Last night, one of her best friends that she has been leaning on through this, made a nice comment on a picture of me and my nephew on FB. I'm not trying to read into it, but it seemed odd that this friend would be looking at pics on my page all of a sudden.

I'm trying to move on the best I can. I met a girl for dinner over the weekend. I told her up front that I wasn't looking to get into a relationship right now and the dinner went OK, but I couldn't stop thinking about how much more fun dinner dates were with my ex. It probably didn't help that I really wasn't attracted to this girl, but I just wasn't into the date. I have been talking to another girl who I find very attractive and am hoping to have a date with her later this week.

Each day gets a little bit easier. I think of the negative things that she did in our relationship to remind me that I'm better off now. I also got an ear full from my brother when I told him we broke up. He said a lot of things that he has held back on for the last few years. He absolutely thinks this is for the best.

Another update:
I thought things were getting easier. I actually broke NC and stopped by her house for about 20 minutes to see her 14 y.o. daughter because her daughter has been really sad and wanted to see me. I made sure that while I was there, everything was happy, laughing, etc. with her daughter. I didn't want to end it on a sad/upset situation with her like a few weeks ago. It's not that I feel that I took a step backwards by talking to her.

I signed up on a dating site a few weeks ago, just to meet people to hang out with and grab a few drinks, nothing more. After I had been on the site about a week, I noticed that she signed up too, because she had looked at my profile (you can see who looks at your profile). That was very difficult for me to see, being that she gave the old "I need some time alone with my kids, etc." excuse. After a few days, I IM'ed her on the dating site to say that I'm aware that she is on it and I asked her why if she wants time alone. She said that she saw me on the site and it made her mad so she signed up on it. BS! Anyway, she is a very pretty girl and I know the ratio of guys to girls on this site is like 5:1, so she is getting bombarded with emails from guys. That bothered me, but I was handling it pretty well for the most part.

I recently became aware that she is taking a trip to NY very soon. This is where I go back to day one as far as anger and being extremely upset. I'm 99% sure that she is taking a trip to see the guy that she met on her sports team trip over a month ago. I don't get it... I know I technically have no right to be upset as we are broken up, but damn it makes me furious. Of course, all I can think about is her going to NY and enjoying her nights out on the town with this guy that she met for less than 24 hours last month. It sucks! I try not to think about it, but it consumes me. I'm so hurt by this and it is eating me up inside.

Help! I've read all of the stickies many times. I was doing good until I found out about this trip.

You are going to have your 'moments', and they will get less and less, and eventually, these feelings and thoughts you have will have much less significance. That is the process the human species goes through, to heal, from a loss. And this is a loss. You loved her deeply, and when it came to an end, that is a very difficult reality to face. But the process is not without pain.

Realize that while you still allow yourself to be pre-occuplied with her life, you don't allow yourself to live your own. While you are checking on her Facebook, and contacting her through the dating site, you are not allowing yourself the freedom to enjoy a new relationship, because you still have one foot firmly in the last one. That is not fair to you, it is not fair for any new loves, it is not fair to your ex. Both of you need to leave each other alone, although it seems you initiate all of the contact.

Try to accept,that you need to heal from the relationship. It is over, and you need to try harder to find your footing, without her. Allow yourself the luxury of moving on, but accept that you will have pain, you will have doubts, you will wonder if you did the right thing. These are all normal emotions, and the more you get stuck in that place where you are still bothered by the choices she makes, you will not move forward.

Take the next step, and stop the Facebook checking. I would also advise you to skip the dating sites until you are truly over your ex, and can be honestly forthcoming in a new relationship, without the emotional baggage that you are now carrying around.

The end is a painful process, to anything that is meaningful in your life. Don't allow yourself to keep stewing about all the 'what ifs' and 'what could have been', and instead, keep busy, avoid contact, let her be, and move on.

It's been a little over a month since the breakup. At first, we would talk once a week or so, but I haven't talked to her in almost 2 weeks. It's hard. I found out through the grapevine that she is upset that I went out of town to a game last weekend. She's trying to find out if I went with another girl. She even has her friends spying on my Facebook to get clues (I unfriended her, so she can't see), while at the same time, she was in NY meeting this guy she's been talking to (I don't have 100% confirmation that she met this guy up there, but I'm pretty sure because she made sure that it was a big secret for her to fly up there. Problem is that one of her friends posted something about shopping in NY and I saw it on my FB wall. An hour later, that comment was deleted.)

I don't get it, it just doesn't make any sense. She broke up with me. Why is she so concerned as to what I'm doing? I understand that she's hoping that I'm going to sit around and be her fall back plan while she dates other guys, but I'm not going to do that. I'm trying my best to move on. However, I still find myself thinking of her all throughout the day. I wish I could just delete her from my mind.

I really like that idea. Just hit 'delete', and it's all gone. I wish...

While I cannot speak to why she is behaving the way she is, you are the one posting, and trying to understand her behaviour, so I will direct this only to you.

What you hear, think, read, interject, assume, and guess at, is meaningless. It is a one-way street you have put yourself on, and you keep driving past the exits and stop signs. Because there is no reciprocal relationship going on, you subject yourself essentially to an invisible connection to a person, that does not exist, in real life. You are driving down this one-way street, knocking over garbage cans, yield signs, pedestrians, small dogs, and 'road closed' signs, in your quest to get to your destination. Just what is the destination that is worth this dangerous drive?

And while you continue to put dents in your car, and pay fines for dangerous driving, your ex is on another road. A nice country road, pretty scenery, little ducks on sparkling ponds, happy farmers waving from their golden crops. Every now and then she takes the same autobon route as you do, only enough to set up a few more obsticles, knowing that you will knock them down while you are speeding along, and she gains great satisfaction knowing that she can continue to delay and deter you, from reaching the end of the road.

And you carry on. The whole point is, you need to get off that dangerous highway, lick your wounds, get back into the car, and take a different route. Without roadblocks, without accidents, without detours around dangerous areas.

You can sit and stew until the cows come home, but there will be no answers to your questions, because it makes no more sense to ask the questions about her behaviour, than it does to wonder why you can never reach your destination.

Stop torturing yourself! Get away from Facebook, and give yourself a good talking to. Stop this behaviour, and get on with your life. Let her choices be her choices, without you wondering what it means, and whether it involves you. It doesn't. You are on different roads, heading in different directions.

She could be in NY essentially entertining the entire football team, and it is no longer any of your business. To continue to make her your business, will only prolong the inevitable, and that is, you won't get over her.

Ir will take a while, but just a tip, while you are worrying about what she is doing, you are not doing what YOU should be doing! Really simple, since you know that it will take time, and that time is best spent on YOU.

WHY? Because wondering what she is doing, and with who, is an exercise in futility that can only drive you crazy!!

Jake and Tal, thanks for the answers. I wish I could stop torturing myself with this. The last time we spoke, she was crying and saying that there are times when she wants to just break down and call me to come over. I'm sure there is some truth to that statement, but more than likely it is her way of giving me a nugget of hope so that I stick around.

I agree that I need to get away from FB because I find myself trying to gather info by looking at her friends pages hoping to see just a little something. What are you thoughts about communication with her kids (primarily her 14 y.o. daughter)? Her daughter and I have texted or commented on something on each other's FB maybe once a week at most. It has been initiated by both of us, not just me. She's a really sweet girl.
As sad as it is, I refuse to just cut her daughter out of my life all together. I had a daily relationship with these kids for over 3 years. I don't know if it helps or hurts by occasionally communicating with them. I've never ever asked or said anything about their mom, so I'm not using them to "check in" on their mom.
Advice?

I don't doubt for a second that you care deeply for her children, and that you were a tremendous, positive influence in their lives.

But think hard before you decide anything. With her children being minors, she could very well prevent you from having any contact with them. That you are conversing already with the 14 year old on Facebook, is inappropriate, without her mother's consent.

While you may not use the daughter as a means of finding out what her mother is up to, the same may not be said of her mother, who may use her daughter to keep tabs on you.

If you maintain contact with these children, the commitment is enormous. Children can't count on you one day, and then see you disappear down the road, perhaps when you have children of your own, without consequence to them. While your heart is in the right place, it may be a matter of hurt them now, or hurt them later.

They fit into your life by proxy, sad to say. Had their mother not had chidren, you would not be worried about carrying on a relationship with them. Because your relationship included her children however, that was part of the package deal so to speak. When the relationship broke up, the only person no longer in 'the family', is you.

It is likely that your ex will have other men in her life, fulfilling the role you did, for three years. They may or may not thrive in the same way as they did with you; the 'step father' may be a terrible parent, and an unkind, uncaring person. He may or may not have children of his own from a prior relationship. All difficult, unknown situations, that may happen in their future.

I would keep distance for now. I think that it would be appropriate to send a birthday card, or Christmas card to let them know that you're thinking about them and you hope they are happy. But, to have physical contact with them; taking them out for pizza, or to the movies, is not quite right. Just my own opinion here, but I think it is inappropriate.

Plus, to do more, is to be more involved with your ex. If you wanted to take them out Sunday afternoon, you would have direct contact with their mother, and she would have the final say in any and all contact anyway. You can't have a relationship with the minor children, without having a relationship with their mother. And even if you did, she could yank that away in the blink of an eye when a new man is in the picture.

Maybe if you just play it cool. Keep in touch enough to let the children know that you care about them, but not enough that you have to work arrangements out with their mother.

I personally think that a Christmas Card would be appropriate, but I would cut the Facebook thing, unless you have specific permission from the older ones' mother. No matter what you think of the mother, or how much you care about this girl, you are now, 'only', and ex boyfriend.

That sounds so cold, and I apologize for that.

I guess I need to clarify that I haven't taken them to lunch, etc. since the breakup. Her daughter was upset one night saying that she missed me. My ex actually asked the daughter if it would help her if she was to see me and her daughter said yes. Her mom then asked me if I would stop by two Sunday's ago to see her daughter. I stopped by and was there for about 20 minutes and kept it happy and asked about her cheerleading, etc. The mom said that she would like for me to be involved in their lives somehow. She even said that she could leave the house if I wanted to stop by to see them if that was easier for me.

Not that it matters at this point, but she would never tell me that I couldn't see her kids (her words). I was nothing but 100% supportive of everything those kids did and she knows and respects that. She told me that I was more involved in their lives than their dad. Regardless of what happened with us, she knows how much I love those kids and would never do anything to hurt them, even if that meant not seeing them.

Word to the wise, don't start what you can't finish, and don't make promises you can't keep! Never do that to a child, and since you CANNOT separate and deal with your feelings YET! Leave theme alone. Sadly, and as willing as you think you are, better they get use to you NOT being there, than you half a$$ing this, and them thinking you will always be there.

Update:
Two nights ago, I went to a Christmas event with a group of friends and a girl that I have gone on a few dates with in the last month. As a joke, I posted a picture of a Christmas tree from a museum on my FB as if it were mine. I didn't expect what came a few hours later while I'm at this party. My ex sent me a text that said "That sure was quick. (her daughter) saw that you put up "your" tree. You don't have a tree and it's not your house." I ignored her text for about an hour and she sent me another one that said something about how quickly I've moved on, etc.

I tried to resist and stay NC (it had been 2.5 weeks of NC) but I finally sent her a text back, calling her out on her trip to NY over Thanksgiving. She was surprised to hear that I knew about it, etc. Anyway, we exchange some rather harsh texts for about 30 minutes or so. I got a lot of stuff off my chest that I had been keeping inside over the last month. I blasted her for being selfish and not realizing what impact she is having on her kids.

We ended up talking on the phone for over 2 hours. The first part was anger and bitterness from me to her. She kept asking if I had a girlfriend or not. I told her that I was going out with someone. She said that it seems that I've closed the door on her. Crazy?? I told her that this is what she wanted so it's what she's getting. I'm moving on because I can't deal with her and her issues. She told me that she and her ex-husband rode together a few weeks ago to their son's soccer game and he was a complete jerk, etc. just like when they were married. She realizes that he may have changed for the kids, but not towards her. As she was crying over and over, she said that she thinks about how good I was to her and her kids and how she thinks of us 20 years from now sitting by the pool together and looking back on our lives together. She said that there have been many nights that she cries in bed and wants to call me but she knows that wouldn't be fair to me.

She admitted that she has never had closure over her divorce. I told her that until she stops talking to him multiple times a day, she will never have closure, nor will he. Other than breaking NC, I was okay with how I handled things. I didn't break down. I kept repeating that I'm moving on with my life and I wish her well. She also said that she was hurt that I didn't call her on Thanksgiving. I told her phones make and receive calls and that she could have called me if it was that big of a deal to her.

Last thing: It turns out one of her friends called her about the stupid Christmas tree thing on FB and got her worked up, not the daughter. So, I've removed many of our mutual friends on FB that were more her friend than mine. I feel better after doing that.

Advice and comments are appreciated.

Once again, keep up No Contact. You got a bunch of stuff off your chest, but continuing contact will only build it all back up again. Confusion is not easy to overcome as long as you keep letting it in the door (much like her and her ex-husband are doing).

Both of you are holding on and not moving forward which means that neither of you are healing. You may be dating, but until you fully let the ex go, you are still stuck in the same place. Does that sound familiar?

She shares children with her ex-husband so there will always be a tie there. You don't have that excuse or anchor.

Those darn facebooks are trouble waiting to happen aren't they? Not only are they a great way for people to keep track of you, but also well meaning friends who stir crap by relaying useless info.

But progress is slow, and you have finally taken your privacy, and personal business seriously. As a side note divorce lawyers are using the social networks in their own practices to dig up stuff for their clients to use in court on exes and ex spouses, so manage your life, so things don't bite you in the butt because of a joke.

But I bet you did feel better holding your own rather than caving to emotions, and dwelling on feelings, but look at what NC did after only 2 weeks! Just think of 6 months down the road when you can better stand for yourself, and not fall for just anything.

Things were going pretty well until the breaking of NC last week (she contacted me). It has been a week now since we went NC again. I have a friend that was bar tending at a party on Friday night. He saw her there alone (not that it matters). She approached him for a drink and told him how she really misses me, etc.

As I said, I was doing okay with trying to move on, but it seems like I've reverted back and am thinking about her a lot now. I find myself thinking about things she said last week when we talked. She was upset, crying and talking about how much she misses me and all of the little things that we did on a daily basis like watching our TV shows, going to certain restaurants, etc. I know she's not ready to move on yet. I miss all of those things too. I miss pulling up in the driveway and having her meet me at the door with a kiss and the dogs.

That being said, I think it is best that we spend some time apart, whether we ever get back together. I've been single off and on over the years and I know how it is to be in different relationships. She has historically gone from one long term relationship to the next and has never really just dated for the sake of dating and lived the single life. I think it is something that she probably needs to do to get it out of her system so that one day, she can have a healthy relationship.

I did go out on a date Saturday night and had a great time with another girl. That definitely helps and I hope I can go on a few more dates with her.

I agree and enjoy your dating others.