Ask Me Help Desk - How to get my breath back after finding out my ex has met someone

You've had a rough time. That's part of the reason you can't stop thinking about him... because at least for a while he made you feel better. He was so young and unsettled that it's no surprise it didn't work. Remember the things you have said: there's no future for him where you are now; there is a question as to whether you would fit in his country (where he has to be), plus he hasn't asked you to come; different cultures and family problems; he was showing signs of anger and shutting you out; and, the questions about other women. Those are compelling reasons to be done with this relationship. Charm and charisma are very attractive, but they only go so far.

You have lots of decisions to make, and that is where your focus needs to be. I'm glad you are in counseling. I hope you are sorting out your needs. Only after you figure out what you want and start feeling better about yourself will you be in a position to make a good choice about a mate. Good luck.

Please remember, we are here if you need to talk. It will get better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I don't think this is so much about the ex, but what your coping with in your own life. People who are building a life that they enjoy, seldom dwell on the past. But let something not be right in other areas of our life, here comes thoughts of an ex to haunt us, especially since you have started a bad habit of checking his social network sites.

Nothing could be worse for your state of mind, than keeping his ghost alive in your mind. Deal with the life you're living, not the one you have lived.

Very nice quote, but its easier said than done, I'm only humain with feelings for someone that I can't let go of, even though I'm living my life the best I can. I do agree with you about my actuel life, its empty and I don't have a career as such, and I regret some of my past choices, but it is about my ex too, because I still love him, that's possible. My state of mind is blured I hope to see clearer one day!

We all understand how difficult it is. We've all been through it, and want to help you get over him in the most quick and least painful way possible. I wish I had found this site a couple of years ago. It would have made things easier.

We all have made mistakes in life. I've made some huge mistakes, but the real question is what you do once you figure out you need to make a change. Part of it is mindset - figure out what you want, figure out how to get it, and then do it. There will be times when you give in a little because it is hard, but you just pick yourself up again and continue towards your goal.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

Please remember, we are here if you need to talk. It will get better.

Thank you:)

Hang in there. Time is a healer and seek out friends who will help you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Looking

You've had a rough time. That's part of the reason you can't stop thinking about him ... because at least for a while he made you feel better. He was so young and unsettled that it's no surprise it didn't work. Remember the things you have said: there's no future for him where you are now; there is a question as to whether you would fit in his country (where he has to be), plus he hasn't asked you to come; different cultures and family problems; he was showing signs of anger and shutting you out; and, the questions about other women. Those are compelling reasons to be done with this relationship. Charm and charisma are very attractive, but they only go so far.

You have lots of decisions to make, and that is where your focus needs to be. I'm glad you are in counseling. I hope you are sorting out your needs. Only after you figure out what you want and start feeling better about yourself will you be in a position to make a good choice about a mate. Good luck.

Hello,
Yes I said some reasons of why it might not have worked but it keeps coming back to him and all the reasons fly out the window. Nobody can explain why we love someone we just do.
Yes his charm sometimes made me feel insecure because any girl he glanced at would be taken in by him he just had this aura about him that everyone jumped to his needs when he clicked his fingers(matter of speach) I guess I was taken in by him too. Deep down he is a good person he was just afraid for his future and put a mask up as a charmer who knows? And who knows if his feelings were sincere? Mine were a 100%.I have recently stopped the counseling as its very expensive but might go back in September
How can I still be in this obsession its crazy!! I can't stop!

This is where your brain kicks in, if you will let it. You have the power to make choices. I think it would be healthier for you to stop the obsession. I get the feeling you want to stop. I talked about it above, but one thing to do is change what you are thinking about when he comes into your thoughts. Over time, he will come to mind less often. Stop peeking at Facebook. Stay active - socialize with friends, exercise, read, play a sport, take a walk... give yourself new experiences to think about so you think less about him. When I was troubled last year, I read a lot of other posts on this board. There is so much insight here that you will learn things about yourself by reading what others have to say. The first step is admitting this is an issue and you want to move forward.

I was thinking about a thread you might read. It isn't exactly like your problem, but I think it might help. Rebecca was a girl our age who came on here devastated by the man she loved. What makes this story so special is how she blossomed during the thread. She became a confident, self-assured woman who came to realize she valued herself too much not to move on in life. I think you might really enjoy the thread, and I think it will give you ideas for yourself. Not all of it will apply, but take what you need from it.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...re-400372.html

We all came to love her. If nothing else, as one poster referred to it, it is a "feel good" thread.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Looking

I was thinking about a thread you might read. It isn't exactly like your problem, but I think it might help. Rebecca was a girl our age who came on here devastated by the man she loved. What makes this story so special is how she blossomed during the thread. She became a confident, self-assured woman who came to realize she valued herself too much not to move on in life. I think you might really enjoy the thread, and I think it will give you ideas for yourself. Not all of it will apply, but take what you need from it.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...re-400372.html

We all came to love her. If nothing else, as one poster referred to it, it is a "feel good" thread.

Jlo... That is a beautiful thread. It will help the OP. Just wonderful. Thank you for sharing this. Seville it will help to view and read this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Looking

I was thinking about a thread you might read. It isn't exactly like your problem, but I think it might help. Rebecca was a girl our age who came on here devastated by the man she loved. What makes this story so special is how she blossomed during the thread. She became a confident, self-assured woman who came to realize she valued herself too much not to move on in life. I think you might really enjoy the thread, and I think it will give you ideas for yourself. Not all of it will apply, but take what you need from it.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...re-400372.html

We all came to love her. If nothing else, as one poster referred to it, it is a "feel good" thread.

Hello!
I read the thread you advised me to read, wow! I really admire Rebecca, she had so much courage, and moved on quickly after a few months wow! She could have easily gone back with him but didn't as it could have been risky in the long run. I think these types of men are weak and need to constantly seduce girls and women to feel alive and exist. They can't live any other way, it makes them feel great knowing that they have a couple on the go.
Its interesting to know if a cheat is always a cheat or will they settle down after marriage? Unfortunately, they will have to live with the consequences. My father lived a double life cheating for several years, and it changed our lives forever. When my mom found out she threw him out and changed countries and was never the same. When they were going out in the beginning, I think he cheated once and my mom gave him a chance and said if you ever cheat again its over. I saw him not long ago, because of the distance we never hardly saw each other. I didn't feel comfortable in his presence, and he drinks a lot. But he's still my father. He still regrets what he did and thinks my mom is great! Well its too late now. Over the years I carried a weight on my shoulders because of the guilt from my mom and father. I still haven't established what I want to do, where I want to be, and fell on guys that broke my heart. Now I feel its too late for anything trying to start a career again when I should be getting married with at least one kid.
Going back to my ex when I met him he took a lot of that weight of my shoulders and he was great. I think he had an advantage of me being vunlerable, moving to a big city and not knowing many people he sweept me off my feet.
Going back to the end of the story.. When he started to get distant... I had to move places within a month, during that time, he went to his brothers while he was on holiday. When I called him a few times he didn't answer the phone and played mind games. At the weekend he said he was going to see an old friend at a bar. I was worried knowing how charming he is, but I went out with my friends. The next day we were supposed to meet, I called him in the late afternoon he didn't answer his phone.The next day I called him at work with a masked number and he answered with a charming voice thinking it was someone else. When he heard it was me he changed his voice back to another voice. (weird) Anyway I went to see him the next day and checked his phone there was a text from a girl on the day he didn't answer saying meet me at the exposition at 3pm, he replied yes I'm on my way wait for me there. It was a girl from a different country who was in town for the weekend. I was sick to the stomach, that night I confronted him and he didn't bat an eyelid saying nothing happened he assured me, we just went to the exposition together as friends and I met her at the bar. Its true the text was sent the next day after the bar so that means they weren't together that night, the Sunday night?
I was furious and told him what a bastard he was. I left and didn't include him in my plans and moved in with a friend. He didn't know as he thought we were going to get a place together. When he found out he cracked up crying and not knowing what to do as his brother threw him out, when he got back from his holidays, they didn't get on. So he asked some of his friends to move in for a while but their place was too small or not convienent. One of his other friends finally accepted. His friend was dodgy doing drugs and stuff. So it wasn't long before he got back to me, I still loved him, and agreed to see him. It was like we had never been apart, but the trust was broken and we went for a meal and I brought it up again about meeting that girl , he swore nothing happened and said the more you go on about this the more your going to convince me and make me believe that something did actually happened. He said talking about this ruined his evening.
We saw each other now and again and I kind of forgot that other girl! After six months I decided I wanted to get my own place, he was happy about that and we wanted to give it another go. When I moved in I started to have second thoughts about him moving in. Around the same time he found out that he had a few weeks to go back to his country and the police were looking for him, that's when I got cold feet. Even though he was working, the prefecture didn't want to change his status, so his boss couldn't keep him. So everything backfired and I was scared of the outcome. So I said he could move in but not with all hiis stuff in case the police thought I was lodging him, as its illegal plus you can get a heavy fine. He said and all his friends said, if you loved him you'd take the risk. So he moved in for 2/3weeks without his stuff I was working 10hour shifts and in stress about him staying at home with nothing to do and in depression. I felt sorry for him because he did work hard to get hired for one yr and then because he didn't have the paper they couldn't keep him. I felt helpless I loved him and he was going through a hard time. When I got back from work he was depressed and didn't move an inch for the day. I was kind of angry but shouldn't have been, he didn't need that as well. He got angry too and broke a few things. So after a week of that he decided to leave me and went to his friends again. I was devastated as I found myself alone, heartbroken, and in direstaights as my job was coming to an end too. His friend had a girlfriend and she didn't want him to be there, So he tried to call me all day while I was at work. When I answered he said can I collect my stuff and that his friend threw him out. I said I'm babysiting tonight sorry (I wasn't) he begged me but I said no. Its not when others don't want you, you come back to me. So I think he spent the night on the street. I felt guilty but was so sick of the story.
Anyway after that he went to his brothers again I think his mom told his brother to take him in, his family thought that I was mean not letting him move in with his stuff etc... I moved to different place as I needed more space and try to forget what happened. At the end of my job I was alone and unemployed, and feeling guilt, I should have let him move in with his stuff its very unlikely the police would have found him, but he couldn't have gone on like that for long with nothing to do but maybe he would have included me to go with him. He said, I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most, and how could I be his wife for someone I can't count on. After reflexion I realised I was harsh, and not very nice, but now I had lost him and regreted it, and wanted him back.
I tried to have fun with my friends and forget and had party at friends the next day some photos were on Facebook and I looked like I was having a ball and lots of fun.. we're not friends on Facebook as he said Facebook is his personel stuff, but he could check out my photos on my page. He was very angry and sent me an email saying I see you're having fun, bla bla!
Anyway the partys soon wore off and I really missed him he was at his bros trying to think of ways to stay he had a lawyer too but couldn't afford one. He was on line on all sites I found he put up adds saying who wants to save my life.. beautiful girls.. es,. all night long.. he put up relaxing afternoon with me with his phone number up.. How could he? It was sick looking for complete strangers on line to save his butt.
If he had have been honest and true to his feelings from the beginning he could have married me instead he messed things up, for the selfish streek in him.

Will finish this story later on thanks for all your support!

It's been a year since you broke up and six months since you spoke to him. You really need to stop dwelling on this. Your head is spinning and you aren't making progress. I think he sounds manipulative. He knows how to charm you, and he knows how to push your buttons and make you feel guilty. You have every right to have fun. You have the right to protect yourself and your heart from someone you don't trust. You have the right to choose to obey the law. He's made some bad choices. Being in love doesn't mean you have to make bad choices to cover for him. You are giving him too much power. Stop concerning yourself with what he, his friends, or his family say and think.

You have a lot of emotional baggage, both with him and with the situation with your father. It's important to be fundamentally happy and well-adjusted to have a successful long-term relationship. Love alone is not always enough.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Could she possibly help you with this? Is it time to consider moving home? 28 is still young. You have lots of time to get married and have children, and lots of time to think about what type of work you want to do. The most important thing right now is to heal yourself emotionally.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Looking

It's been a year since you broke up and six months since you spoke to him. You really need to stop dwelling on this. Your head is spinning and you aren't making any progress. I think he sounds manipulative. He knows how to charm you, and he knows how to push your buttons and make you feel guilty. You have every right to have fun. You have the right to protect yourself and your heart from someone you don't trust. You have the right to choose to obey the law. He's made some bad choices. Being in love doesn't mean you have to make bad choices to cover for him. You are giving him too much power. Stop concerning yourself with what he, his friends, or his family say and think.

You have a lot of emotional baggage, both with him and with the situation with your father. It's important to be fundamentally happy and well-adjusted to have a successful long-term relationship. Love alone is not always enough.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Could she possibly help you with this? Is it time to consider moving home? 28 is still young. You have lots of time to get married and have children, and lots of time to think about what type of work you want to do. The most important thing right now is to heal yourself emotionally.

Yes I know you are right, I have to move forward, but some things are not right and I don't know how to get started! I'm half stuck in the past and half in the future but not doing anything about it. I don't feel like I'm from my orignal country or this country. When I was with my ex he was my only family here and I guess I put up with some things as love is blind. Yes he is and was manipulative, but I never took any from him, and he didn't like that! I guess because in his country women are not treated the same, and accept crap.
I'm actually 31 not 28 I was 28 when going out with him, so that makes a difference. I need to make some changes and find out where I want to be I think I will stay in this country for one more year and then maybe go elsewhere. I just feel annoyed and angry by what I've done and become.
My mom who lives in another part of the country, where there are no jobs, can't do anything for me, as I believe you can only help yourself, and she finds it hard to make decisions for herself. Going back to my country, there is only my father there in a small village, which is not my scene. I could maybe go to different town, I just don't know all my friends are married with kids. If I stay here I might end up marrying a guy from this country and I don't feel me when I'm not speaking english and they have different ways, which are not as cool:cool: as english speaking people. Or I might go to a different country completely. It would have been easier if my ex had of been sincere and then we could have settled here. I guess I have to get my act together I just feel bruised by my past, and blocked any angry with my ex. I have been going less on his Facebook and didn't go on msn since I found this sight.:)
I had some good oportunities in jobs but let it go by my state of mind...
I have done different jobs and I don't know which I'm suited best to and there isin't much help with the careers centre. With my ex, we would always talk about everything and find solutions to everything.
Hopefully things will get better soon and eventually get over him!!

Looking forward to your opinions! Thank you!:)

Quote:

Originally Posted by seville

Yes I know you are right, I have to move foward, but some things are not right and i don't know how to get started! I'm half stuck in the past and half in the future but not doing anything about it. I don't feel like i'm from my orignal country or this country. When I was with my ex he was my only family here and i guess i put up with some things as love is blind. Yes he is and was manipulative, but i never took any from him, and he didn't like that! I guess because in his country women are not treated the same, and accept crap.
I'm actually 31 not 28 i was 28 when going out with him, so that makes a difference. I need to make some changes and find out where i want to be i think i will stay in this country for one more year and then maybe go elsewhere. I just feel annoyed and angry by what i've done and become.
My mom who lives in another part of the country, where there are no jobs, can't do anything for me, as i believe you can only help yourself, and she finds it hard to make decisions for herself. Going back to my country, there is only my father there in a small village, which is not my scene. I could maybe go to different town, i just don't know all my friends are married with kids. If i stay here i might end up marrying a guy from this country and i don't feel me when im not speaking english and they have different ways, which are not as cool:cool: as english speaking people. Or i might go to a different country completly. It would have been easier if my ex had of been sincere and then we could have settled here. I guess i have to get my act together i just feel bruised by my past, and blocked any angry with my ex. I have been going less on his facebook and didn't go on msn since i found this sight.:)
I had some good oportunities in jobs but let it go by my state of mind...
I have done different jobs and i don't know which i'm suited best to and there isin't much help with the careers centre. With my ex, we would always talk about everything and find solutions to everything.
Hopefully things will get better soon and eventually get over him!!!

Looking foward to your opinions! Thank you!:)

Hey you seem to be feeling better. Good. I haven't done a lot since I found this site either.. like dishes. Laundry, cooking.:D Good Luck

I read your response with some relief. I'm glad you are starting to focus on yourself rather than the ex. I'm glad that you have a plan in mind. Don't be angry at yourself - that's a waste of energy.

It's a little hard for me to relate as I've only lived in America, and only in fairly large cities with lots of job opportunities. If you go to the home page of this site, you will see a Business and Careers section. There are experts there that might be able to help you figure out a career path, or point you in a good direction.

Good job on avoiding Facebook. That will help a lot.

31 is still young. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Looking

I read your response with some relief. I'm glad you are starting to focus on yourself rather than the ex. I'm glad that you have a plan in mind. Don't be angry at yourself - that's a waste of energy.

It's a little hard for me to relate as I've only lived in America, and only in fairly large cities with lots of job opportunities. If you go to the home page of this site, you will see a Business and Careers section. There are experts there that might be able to help you figure out a career path, or point you in a good direction.

Good job on avoiding Facebook. That will help lot.

31 is still young. :)

Thanks again! Yeah I'm trying to focus on myself but every now and then he comes back to me. He had power over me without me knowing it he was very crafty in that domain, not just with me, with his friends and colleagues too. He had that special way with people but none of it was real, always for his own interest what he can get out of being sweet and nice. Everyone fell for it, plus with his good looks an and nice smile he was irresitable.
I'm actually in europe, and have different trainings in tourism, sales, working with children.. I had a look on the home page and saw that its not the same system as in europe.. but thank you for your help.
I met a guy last yr after the break up with my ex, I asked him If he was looking for a relationship and he said no just having fun. So we had our fun, but it was no where near as passionate as my ex. and I cried after because I just wanted to be in ex 's arms not his. Anyway I said goodbye and that was it but bumped in to him at a bar while with friends a month later. He seemed to be happy to see me and wanted to spend more time with me. I wasn't interested at all still grieving for my ex. He wanted to meet me after that and my gut said no and I couldn't be bothered. He doesn't speak english so sometimes its boring conversation. Anyway after one year I was thinking about him and decided to text him to see how he was doing, etc.. as I was feeling lonely too, and remembered that he was kind he also was going through a break up with his ex girlfriend of 10yrs with her last yr. It was tough for him too to break the ice, but he got over her I think he said he was completely over her. Anyway he replied and was happy to hear from me, I asked him to go for a drink soon and he accepted with joy. Am I doing the right thing seeing this guy again?Will I ever find the same passion as what I had with my ex?for me it's a big deal! So far no...

Thanks for your opinions!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

Hey you seem to be feeling better. Good. I haven't done a lot since I found this site either..like dishes. laundry, cooking.:D Good Luck

Haa! I'm doing OK but not completely, its tough some days.. Me too I left the dishes and laundry since on here, but I got around to doing it tonight. I'm glad I've done it my brother is visiting tomorrow for one evening! So had to clean up really!lol!

Keep in touch! Good night!

Quote:

Originally Posted by seville

Haa! I'm doing ok but not completly, its tough some days.. Me too i left the dishes and laundry since on here, but i got around to doing it tonight. I'm glad i've done it my brother is visiting tomorrow for one evening! so had to clean up really!lol!

Keep in touch! good night!

Goodnight... Keep posting.:)

It sounds like you are seeing him for what he is now, which is so healthy. It will make it easier for you to let him go completely.

I am asking some questions to see if you can get to the careers forum. I will let you know if I find out anything. I think it could be really informative for you to talk to someone, especially in your area, about your concerns and options.

There are lots of passionate men out there. They may not be just like your ex, but they will have other qualities to admire. My fiancé may not be as over-the-top romantic as my obsession was (writing poetry, etc.), but I have never felt more loved. He is so compassionate, respectful, interesting... I could go on :D... I think what you should do is figure out what is really important in a man. You might date a lot of different men, even those who you wouldn't normally expect to date. If you are serious about a relationship, once you determine they aren't serious, it's time to keep looking. Also, you don't have to limit yourself to one at a time, until you are in a committed relationship. Take time to get to know them before making that decision. As for the current guy, take your time. He wasn't ready for a relationship a year ago, after breaking up with his girlfriend. He may be now - or may not be. Don't get your hopes up. Just go with the flow. Be sure you are over your ex and feel good about it before you get serious with anyone. Focus on your own well-being. You don't want to get hurt further and you don't want to hurt someone else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Looking

It sounds like you are seeing him for what he is now, which is so healthy. It will make it easier for you to let him go completely.

I am asking some questions to see if you can get to the careers forum. I will let you know if I find out anything. I think it could be really informative for you to talk to someone, especially in your area, about your concerns and options.

There are lots of passionate men out there. They may not be just like your ex, but they will have other qualities to admire. My fiance may not be as over-the-top romantic as my obsession was (writing poetry, etc.), but I have never felt more loved. He is so compassionate, respectful, interesting ... I could go on :D ... I think what you should do is figure out what is really important in a man. You might date a lot of different men, even those who you wouldn't normally expect to date. If you are serious about a relationship, once you determine they aren't serious, it's time to keep looking. Also, you don't have to limit yourself to one at a time, until you are in a committed relationship. Take time to get to know them before making that decision. As for the current guy, take your time. He wasn't ready for a relationship a year ago, after breaking up with his girlfriend. He may be now - or may not be. Don't get your hopes up. Just go with the flow. Be sure you are over your ex and feel good about it before you get serious with anyone. Focus on your own well-being. You don't want to get hurt further and you don't want to hurt someone else.

Hi,
Thanks for your advice, I kind of know how my ex really is, but I think he was desperate at times, and wanted to protect himself, that was his way of getting what he needed to move forward. People said to me, no matter how bad the situation was he shouldn't have been mean to me or blame me, sometimes he was.
Even now the bad times cancel out and go back to the obsession. It's the thought of him with someone else that kills me the most. How do you stop torchering yourself with these thoughts? Will he be the same way to other girls as he was to me? Sometimes this story gets the better of me and I lapse in to nostolgy, thoughts of us together and missing him. Even when I went on a few dates over the past year, its as if I don't want to be with anyone else! And the guys sense it, I can't control my feelings for him, and have tears in my eyes on a date. How long will it take to get rid of this sadness? At the same time I can't go on forever alone because of these feelings. For the guy I texted I will see what happens on our date! He has an interesting job and a nice person, but I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him he's not too bad looking or if I'm ready. I think he might be interested and ready for something serious, but if not I won't be hurt because I'm not madly in love with him.
The kind of man! Well its kind of a mixture of, pyhsical attraction, nice eyes, tall, takes care of his body, reliable, good job, sense of humour, kind, loyal, good dancer, good fun, likes adventure good vibes, on the same wave length, generous, trust worthy, honest, and last but not least good in bed. LOL! My ex was all of these things except he wasn't reliable, or loyal, all of the time, sometimes not trustworthy. Nobody is perfect! From my experience, In general guys either have all these qualitys and are not too good in bed or vice versa... lol! Its not fair!:rolleyes: You have to choose what you want I guess! I have friends, where there guy his kind and loving, trustworthy.. but in the bedroom nothing spectacular.

Tomorrow I have an interview for a receptionist job in some company, will see how it goes, fingers crossed! Thanks for checking for me on the forum.
Looking forward to everyone's reponses..
HAVE A NICE DAY!!
Bye for now!