Ask Me Help Desk - Conjoined accounts with boyfriend

Quote:

Originally Posted by positiveparent

Do you both work?
I think the above list is very unrealistic. especially as you say you have rent arrears that should be your first priority, as in pay the rent, and utility bills, get food, and weekly needs, say petrol or fares to work other day to day living expenses, milk bread.
Pay any commitments you have like credit card bills, etc. On time..

Once youve paid these then whatever is left over you could divvy up as in half each, or put to one side in order to buy luxuries at a later date.

I also think that you could maybe do with some debt management counselling sessions, to help you both learn how to budget your money correctly, however never let your rent get into arrears thats the main priority pay that above all and any other things every month or when its due. If you owe arrears do have a word with your landlord and make him an offer to pay off the arrears at so much a month and please stick to that agreement.

You and he have both got to stop this wanting to control each other, youre in a relationship, you dont have the right to demand he do this or that and neither does he, youre adults or in an adult relationship, please stop the control or power struggles and get sensible, talk things through dont make demands either of you. Obviously that doesnt work.

Heres a little advice that could get you working together for once.
How to really listen:
You both agree who is to do the talking first, you then let that person say whatever is on their mind, fully, once the persons finished, wait one minute then the other person replies. then do same with other person letting them speak without interupting, interupting means youre not listening.

If you two can manage to do this then maybe youll stop all of this controlling or wanting to control, youre in a relationship, a partnership, and as such you should both be taking each others views and desires into account, not trying to control areas of that relationship, youre not his owner and hes not yours.

His list is totally unrealistic, and sounds as JudyKayTee has already said like someones christmas wish list, when youre in a relationship you both need to learn how to budget, together and how youre going to save for luxuries like flat screen TVs and Xboxs, you dont earn enough or have enough money coming in each week to have such a ridiculous list, tell him to give that to santa LOL.

seriously try as Ive suggested to you here, if this still doesnt stop you both trying to control each other then I dont hold out much hope for the relationship. You both need to stop the controlling. and learn how to budget. Once you do this then wonder about 2nd and 3rd bank accounts, Pay your rent first.

Yes we both work and make almost 500 a week btwn both of us (not 500 each) I have been working on the control issues on my part. We live in a house with other people so he is the type that needs people around him all the time for some reason. He enjoys going upstairs to hang out with the married couple. I had a problem with it at first because he would come home from work and not even tell me he is home and go straight upstairs without even cmng inside to say hi to me. At first I would yell and tell him to stop going up there so much but then we came to terms that he will go upstairs once in a while and try not to go upstairs when we are both off (we only see each other on Friday for the entire day so I cherish the little bit of time I have with him and I hate it when he spends it with the same people he hangs out with all week) last week he asked me if its OK if he goes up there and instead of getting mad I said "you dont need my permission to hang out with your friends, go ahead and have fun" and to my surprise he decides to hang out with me instead. So I know the talking helps but sometimes it doesn't. I want him to grow up and take charge of things like finances. On Thursday we get paid and I will be able to pay the past due rent because he worked extra hrs this week. He never minds working more than 40 hrs a week so that's a great quality so I'm guessing this is why he feels he should buy whatever he wants. And I agree with you about paying everything off first and having the extra cash to buy luxuries and that's y I did this whole acct thing but he isn't understanding it and suggest I add his name on the acct. his niece spoke to him and told him about his ways because she tells me all the time that he is controlling and she can't believe if tolerated it for so long. As you noticed I do my share of controlling but only if its effecting me. Like I am controlling when it comes to speeding, wearing a seatbelt and in general reckless driving. I told him when he is driving by himself he can do whatever he pleases but it isn't fair to me that I have to sit there almost pissing myself every time you drive. I shouldn't have to be subjected to that at all, I care about my life and he puts it in danger when he does stupid things like race other drivers. So he isn't allowed to do tha when I'm in the car. I know it sounds weird that he isn't allowed to do that but when it comes to our lives and other peoples lives out there I don't think I'm being unfair to him by demanding he practices safe driving at all times. But now since I stopped controlling him he feels as if I don't love him so now I'm confused. Does he like when I tell him what to do? He saids I am a nag but I think he likes me nagging at him lol.

Quote:

Originally Posted by positiveparent

OP Ive read through some of your replies in this thread, and I feel I have to say, you allowed him to be as he is the day you met him when he went through your phone, you should have said to him then thats mine and my texts are none of your business, but youre enabling him to treat you badly, and not accept responsibility. youre both being very childish. Time to grow up and act like adults or let this relationship go. its on a losing streak at this time.

So you don't believe we can make it work?

Quote:

Originally Posted by positiveparent

OP Ive read through some of your replies in this thread, and I feel I have to say, you allowed him to be as he is the day you met him when he went through your phone, you should have said to him then thats mine and my texts are none of your business, but youre enabling him to treat you badly, and not accept responsibility. youre both being very childish. Time to grow up and act like adults or let this relationship go. its on a losing streak at this time.

So you don't believe we can make it work? Also you said I am being childish. What am I being childish about and what can I do to change this. I want to be a better person and I always try to find new techniques to talk to him without getting out of control. Thanks for the help to everyone!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

It's not your fault he is the way he is, but you have become his mother.
Stop playing games with him. He is who he is, and you will either put up with it or you will say enough and leave. You will not change this man child. He has to want to change. He has to grow up.

Yup you are right he needs to want to change. I am enabling a child lol oh god. He saids he wants to change but then again he doesn't. He is very confusing at times

OP, I agree that he shouldn't drive recklessly he's not only endangering your life but others lives to, what if he were to run someone over say a pregnant woman or a child or someone's granny, he has to be sensible , so yes I agree with you in that respect.

He should though be aware of the risks he takes without needing to be reminded. He's a very irresponsible young man and needs to come down to earth.

I do also feel that you've in a way taken over a kind of mother role in his life and example being his saying that's since you've stopped controlling him he says he feels you don't love him, in other words he wants you to be responsible for him, and that's not right he has to be responsible for himself. Its not your role its his.

So I suggest you keep up with not trying to control him, and yes let him make his own decisions like with those upstairs. He needs to know its not your job to keep everything going in this relationship, it take two, and he's got to meet you half way, and you him, try my suggestion about how to really listen if he comes out with saying he is getting mad, ignore him, or tell him OK well resume this later. That's another way he's using to get out of accepting responsibility, you're in it together, he needs to face this, and you both need to work at it together, or its headed for the relationship dumpster.

Don't involve other people do this yourself with him no one else. Hope this helps, you do seem to have the right idea, and are willing to make changes, now you need to get this across to him, and hopefully get him on same page.

Also don't use sex as a weapon, its meant to be enjoyed, not used to punish or make someone conform.

My apologies I was wrong in saying you're being childish I meant you're going to his level and enabling him to remain childish, and yes you could make this relationship work but he has got to want to change for himself, and you do the same. Don't do all the giving, he has to do his part as well.

He's a child and you're his mother.
I swear he acts like one.
He likes to be told what to do. He gets mad, but he likes it.
Personally it would drive me nuts, but it is you who has to decide if you want to deal with this, he obviously has no problem with you. But when he grows up are you going to be willing to give up the reins?
The whole bank account thing is a temper tantrum and I would not give in to that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by positiveparent

OP, I agree that he shouldnt drive recklessly hes not only endangering your life but others lives to, what if he were to run someone over say a pregnant woman or a child or someones granny, he has to be sensible , so yes I agree with you in that respect.

He should though be aware of the risks he takes without needing to be reminded. hes a very irresponsible young man and needs to come down to earth.

I do also feel that youve in a way taken over a kind of mother role in his life and example being his saying thats since youve stopped controlling him he says he feels you dont love him, in other words he wants you to be responsible for him, and thats not right he has to be responsible for himself. Its not your role its his.

So I suggest you keep up with not trying to control him, and yes let him make his own decisions like with those upstairs. he needs to know its not your job to keep everything going in this relationship, it take two, and hes got to meet you half way, and you him, try my suggestion about how to really listen if he comes out with saying he is getting mad, ignore him, or tell him ok well resume this later. Thats another way hes using to get out of accepting responsiblity, youre in it together, he needs to face this, and you both need to work at it together, or its headed for the relationship dumpster.

Dont involve other people do this yourself with him no one else. Hope this helps, you do seem to have the right idea, and are willing to make changes, now you need to get this across to him, and hopefully get him on same page.

Also dont use sex as a weapon, its meant to be enjoyed, not used to punish or make someone conform.

My apologies I was wrong in saying youre being childish I meant youre going to his level and enabling him to remain childish, and yes you could make this relationsghip work but he has got to want to change for himself, and you do the same. dont do all the giving, he has to do his part as well.

Thank you very much. I will try to have the bank acct conversation with him and hopefully it turns out OK but I'm pretty sure I know how its going to end. He is going to get mad and storm out of the house like always but I'm still going to try

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He's a child and you're his mother.
I swear he acts like one.
He likes to be told what to do. He gets mad, but he likes it.
Personally it would drive me nuts, but it is you who has to decide if you want to deal with this, he obviously has no problem with you. But when he grows up are you going to be willing to give up the reins?
The whole bank account thing is a temper tantrum and I would not give in to that.

I am def willing to give up the reins! Lol I need a man not a child and I am thinking about making a list of all our problems and sitting down with him and talking it out (similar to how a mother treats their kids huh? Lol) I always tell him he thinks I am his mom. But one thing that changed is that he does the cooking now for both of us so slowlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy very very slowly he's changing

He is a man child. He is acting like a 20 person trying to assert his independence from his parents. You are the parent. Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jessickah12712

i am def willing to give up the reins! lol i need a man not a child and i am thinking about making a list of all our problems and sitting down with him and talking it out (similar to how a mother treats their kids huh? lol) i always tell him he thinks i am his mom. but one thing that changed is that he does the cooking now for both of us so slowlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy very very slowly hes changing

He is slowly growing up.
You're a good one. I couldn't do it, (I've already raised a child) but then again I'm a lot older than you are and you're not much older than him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He is a man child. he is acting like a 20 person trying to assert his independence from his parents. You are the parent. Good luck.

Thank you for the advice. It really really helped me a lot and I know I am his "mother" now its time to take action and change that or leave

Quote:

Originally Posted by jessickah12712

thank u very much. i will try to have the bank acct conversation with him and hopefully it turns out ok but im pretty sure i know how its going to end. he is going to get mad and storm out of the house like always but im still going to try

jessickah, watch the chat talk. Just because we don't expect perfect English doesn't mean the chat talk will be tolerated. I do not want to see your thread closed or posts deleted.

I know you are probably feeling emotional and it is showing in your writing style. It is a good time to slow down and think about what you are typing. It can sometimes be a way to trigger ideas in your own mind.

Edited to fix a forgotten word: don't

No don't talk to him as if a mother, talk to him as his equal, and please do talk to each other not at each other. Start being his equal not a substitute mother. You're his partner, make it known to him you want to be treated as one in everyway. Not as a Mother.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

jessickah, watch the chat talk. Just because we expect perfect English doesn't mean the chat talk will be tolerated. I do not want to see your thread closed or posts deleted.

I know you are probably feeling emotional and it is showing in your writing style. It is a good time to slow down and think about what you are typing. It can sometimes be a way to trigger ideas in your own mind.

Oh I am sorry again I am just so used to the "chat" talk. Yes I do get a bit emotional when talking about it because it makes me feel like I am no good because I "allow" him to be the way he is but in reality you can't force someone to change and this is why I am here seeking for some advice on how to deal with this :-(

Good for you for recognising that you have a problem.

However we here don't do chat or text speak.

No you cannot force someone to change you can however lead by example.

Good luck.

Also never say you're no good because that's not right you're a unique individual as as good as any other person, at least you've the good sense to spot problems, So don't put yourself down please.

Plus we all make errors in judgement the trick is recognising them...

A quote I like to go by:
There are no mistakes or failures, Only Lessons...

Quote:

Originally Posted by positiveparent

OP Ive read through some of your replies in this thread, and I feel I have to say, you allowed him to be as he is the day you met him when he went through your phone, you should have said to him then thats mine and my texts are none of your business, but youre enabling him to treat you badly, and not accept responsibility. youre both being very childish. Time to grow up and act like adults or let this relationship go. its on a losing streak at this time.

Hi again. He just called me and asked how to conjoin accounts. I told him I don't know and I want to have a talk about the whole bank account situation. He already knew what I was going to say and went off his yelling spree. I was able to calm him down enough to explain to him his chilidish ways and that I will no longer endulge in it so he needs to be responsible for himself. He then hangs up on me and then calls me back and infroms me that he will cancel the conjoined bank account and have his own account without me in it. I asked if that's what he really wants and he yelled some more and kept saying "i dont want to f**** talkk about you just do whatever it is you want, im done talking" he reason for not wanting me to have my own account is because he doesn't see the reason for me to have my own money because we are "one" and if there ever is an emergency he can't access my account. He was yelling so much and being himself that I hanged up and haven't picked up since. What do I do now lol?

Stick to your guns, he is being unreasonable, its perfectly OK to each have accounts and one joint, so his reasoning is not justified, Don't call him back let him sweat it out, he's got to learn he cannot have a tantrum whenever he is not getting his own way, he's acting like a 3 yr old, and you deserve equal respect, and he should be aware of this, it takes 2 to make it and 2 to break it. Or so they say, Just stick it out, and then he will have to face reality, don't give in to him, you have to stand your ground...

It might be hard to do this but do try to stick it out, he's got to learn he cannot be like this with you...

I also feel it's a sensible thing to retain some of your independence even in a relationship, there could come a time when he or one of you empties the joint account leaving the other possibly stranded, so having joint and individual accounts makes a lot of sense, and anyway its up to you. Its your life you must live it for you. You're sharing a time span, not owning each others lives. Please stick to your guns... take phone off hook or turn it off if its easier...

Im married and yet I have my own bank account, And my partner does too, we have a joint account as well. Ive always had my own account, not because I don't want to share but because of what's written above so that I have some independence. Anyone who knows about life would agree to this too. Its what sensible people usually do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by positiveparent

Stick to your guns, he is being unreasonable, its perfectly ok to each have accounts and one joint, so his reasoning is not justified, Dont call him back let him sweat it out, hes got to learn he cannot have a tantrum whenever he is not getting his own way, hes acting like a 3 yr old, and you deserve equal respect, and he should be aware of this, it takes 2 to make it and 2 to break it. or so they say, Just stick it out, and then he will have to face reality, dont give in to him, you have to stand your ground...

It might be hard to do this but do try to stick it out, hes got to learn he cannot be like this with you...

Thank you now I see that I actually have been mothering this man! Every time something happens I give in to his crap and I told him this before he hanged up. He saids he feels I will leave him if I have my own money but I told him it saids a lot about him because if he believes that I will leave him by having this other account then he is forcing me to stay with him by not allowing me to have an account right? I mean that's how I see it. If I wanted to leave him I would have left him months ago when he started talking to his ex but he doesn't understand that part but I will hold my ground and act like the young lady my momma raised. My mom hates it when I give in to him because my mom raised me and my sister by herself and she saids you don't need a man to tell you what to do or to take care of you. I think its about time I start living by that rule. You have all given me courage. Thank you and I hope I'm not using chat speak again

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

jessickah, watch the chat talk. Just because we don't expect perfect English doesn't mean the chat talk will be tolerated. I do not want to see your thread closed or posts deleted.

I know you are probably feeling emotional and it is showing in your writing style. It is a good time to slow down and think about what you are typing. It can sometimes be a way to trigger ideas in your own mind.

edited to fix a forgotten word: don't

The "talk" made things worst! Now he is really pissed and its hard for me to control my anger right now but I'm really really trying to talk without yelling and giving him the chance to blow off some steam. So now he wants to cancel the conjoined account and I have my own and he has his own which is perfectly fine with me because I never wanted the conjoined accounts to begin with. But he is being very difficult and giving me attitude and sitting there looking ugly with his "mean" face. I just feel like smacking the attitude right out of him

Quote:

Originally Posted by jessickah12712

the "talk" made things worst! now he is really pissed and its hard for me to control my anger right now but im really really trying to talk without yelling and giving him the chance to blow off some steam. so now he wants to cancel the conjoined account and i have my own and he has his own which is perfectly fine with me because i never wanted the conjoined accounts to begin with. but he is being very difficult and giving me attitude and sitting there looking ugly with his "mean" face. i just feel like smacking the attitude right out of him

Hi Again OP, I understand that his being as he is is making you feel angry, however in becoming angry you are losing control of yourself, and that's not good for you, try to count to ten, or think of something to make you smile it will take the edge off your anger, also words said in anger could easily be regretted later, if you can remain calm, and speak slowly and concisely then you'll have more of an effect upon him, by shouting or yelling at each other it just means neither of you is really listening to the other, so all you will be doing is making a noise, but nothing you or he say is actually being heard, its just words.

It is hard at times to remain calm in some situations, perhaps you could go for a walk, by the time you return he too will have had time to think. You don't have to go far or for long just long enough to allow yourself to calm down and hopefully be able to think more rationally and then go home and see if he's willing to talk to you, if not just be civilised to him for the rest of the day, but if one of you doesn't put an end to the anger and hostility then you'll go no where fast. Try as is suggested here, and Im sure you'll not only feel better it will help clear your mind, you can get your point over without it being in an angry confrontation. So good luck and keep us all posted. Im sure you can do it.

Just remember calm is cool. Its gets through to people easier too...

I've only read the first two pages and I know what this kid's problem is.

He's immature.

Let me take a guess...

He... never lived on his own before for a while having to support himself.

You are his first serious girlfriend...

I could be wrong, but it seems to be the trend.

1. He's immature. Plain and simple. The guy doesn't know anything about finances to begin with. Yes, we all splurge once in a while... but making $2k a month, you're going to have to learn to budget... pretty darn well. And the whole, "I'm mad and I don't wanna talk to you." C'mon... seriously?

2. The controlling issue will NEVER change. Did I say NEVER? I meant, unless something happens between the two of you. I've had a few guy friends who were controlling to their girlfriends. Looking at their e-mails, checking their phones, checking their bank accounts, etc. Now, the whole "joint acct" is a WHOLE new level of control that I have yet to encounter. Joint account when you're married? Yeah, that sounds good... when you're DATING?. why? What good comes out of that..

Between my girlfriend and myself, I'm the more financially savvy one, and we discussed what would happen if I ever married someone... and I wanted three accts: one joint, two separate. She wanted everything together. But this is when you're MARRIED... what if you two break up? Then what? You guys will split it down the middle.. I doubt that this will happen amicably... someone will complain about something that someone spent, and how one should get more than the other. It's ugly between couples who have been married for DECADES... doubt that it'll be easier for couples who have been together for a few years.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

I've only read the first two pages and I know what this kid's problem is.

He's immature.

Let me take a guess...

He...never lived on his own before for a while having to support himself.

You are his first serious girlfriend...

I could be wrong, but it seems to be the trend.

1. He's immature. Plain and simple. The guy doesn't know anything about finances to begin with. Yes, we all splurge once in a while...but making $2k a month, you're going to have to learn to budget...pretty darn well. And the whole, "I'm mad and I don't wanna talk to you." C'mon...seriously?

2. The controlling issue will NEVER change. Did I say NEVER? I meant, unless something happens between the two of you. I've had a few guy friends who were controlling to their girlfriends. Looking at their e-mails, checking their phones, checking their bank accounts, etc. Now, the whole "joint acct" is a WHOLE new level of control that I have yet to encounter. Joint account when you're married? Yeah, that sounds good...when you're DATING? ...why? What good comes out of that...?

Between my girlfriend and myself, I'm the more financially savvy one, and we discussed what would happen if I ever married someone...and I wanted three accts: one joint, two separate. She wanted everything together. But this is when you're MARRIED....what if you two break up? Then what? You guys will split it down the middle...? I doubt that this will happen amicably...someone will complain about something that someone spent, and how one should get more than the other. It's ugly between couples who have been married for DECADES...doubt that it'll be easier for couples who have been together for a few years.

Everything that you just said is exactly what I just said to him and he is being very childish about the whole situation. I explained to him that he has no justified reason for not wanting me to have my own account. When we 1st moved in together I wanted to kill this boy. He took the liberty in claiming all of my belongings as his own. For example my laptop that I had for 2yrs before I even met him and my iPod which he over used and burned out and that I no longer have. Even after I have asked not to over use my things he still did it and got mad at me for saying "my stuff" he has an issue when I say "this is mines" but in reality it is mines! My mom bought me a brand new dell inspirion laptop. The rule was that he will not download anything on "MY" laptop and he got mad at me for saying mines and decided to download crap. So now I only have maybe 6gb of hard drive space left and he won't erase his off it so I erased everything and told to f*** himself because he just doesn't listen. And yes you are right he has never been on his own and the only reason why we moved in together was because my mom kicked me out and he started coming over my new place and got comfortable. He was in one serious relationship and it lasted 2yrs and thts the ex I was speaking about that he kept contact with

Wow. Had this been a relationship where you didn't live together, I would have told you to break it off with him, because he's just not going to grow up. The control issue will NOT change until he sees that he's being controlling. But you letting yourself be controlled by him (not putting your foot down) technically enables him to control you more. I know guys that Started with, "I would appreciate it if you wore clothes that didn't show cleavage..." to "Where the $@#* do you think you're wearing that to?!?" to burning/tearing low cut tops.

However, since you two live together, you're going to have to find a way to either get along well, in a compromising way (meaning you get what you WANT as well, not what you can LIVE with... there's a huge difference), or go your own separate ways.

OP in your last post it would also seem he is not respecting your boundaries either.

Can you get counselling, because I think that is really what you need, it seems that the rot is setting in in your relationship, and counselling will help you both with the control issues the anger management you seem to both possibly need and also for helping him to know he's to respect your boundaries.

If you are really serious about being together then Im sure counselling will help you both.

Never settle for inferior treatment, or put up with his ways for a quiet life, he is controlling and Im sure he knows it, he has to however be willing to see this for himself, you can tell him till you're blue in the face it won't make a blind bit of difference.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

Wow. Had this been a relationship where you didn't live together, I would have told you to break it off with him, because he's just not going to grow up. The control issue will NOT change until he sees that he's being controlling. But you letting yourself be controlled by him (not putting your foot down) technically enables him to control you more. I know guys that STARTED off with, "I would appreciate it if you wore clothes that didn't show cleavage..." to "Where the $@#* do you think you're wearing that to?!?" to burning/tearing low cut tops.

However, since you two live together, you're going to have to find a way to either get along well, in a compromising way (meaning you get what you WANT as well, not what you can LIVE with...there's a huge difference), or go your own separate ways.

Yes living together really makes it difficult to decide if you want to leave or stay and to be honest if we didn't live together we would have never made it to 3yrs and 4months. I know I am not perfect. We all have our flaws but he has greater issues than I ever had, have or will ever have lol. I can't go out unless I am with him or go over a friends house unless he comes because he needs to be there to protect me and I love him for wanting to protect me but you aren't my father and you can't watch me 24/7 . Do you want to know something funny? At our 1st year being together he would always try to force to stay on the phone with him while I was in school. He said he just likes knowing that I'm OK and likes to hear me breath and it makes him feel like I'm with him. And at 1st thtas what it was until he started obsessing about always having me on the phone. All he wanted to do was be a nosey idiot and ask me a whole bunch of retarted questions about what me and my friends talked about and anytime he heard a guy in the back ground he will start yelling in my ear (I wore an earpiece) asking who that guy is and why am I talking to him as if I can't have male friends. I told him I will not have him on the phone ever unless we are actually speaking.