QLP I checked the links in this thread leading to other posts made by the OP, in one he makes claim he's in NY wants to Move to PA, needs or wants a valid reason for saying he's relocating, wants to move to work with children, in another he's claiming she has sex with her ex at work, in this thread he makes claim to having no idea what wrong with her only that she's gone off sex. But knows she has issues, blah blah
Please read them for yourself.

Whilst I spent time typing out posts in answer to the OP, somewhere a woman a real victim of domestic violence may have been truly helped by my desire to do what I can for women affected by violent relationships, instead I was answering a total load of rubbish. That to me is disrespect. I care about those real women in violent relationships this thread in many ways made a mockery of out them.

HOW SICK IS THAT... Im out of here so long...

Ok first of all postiveparent... I do live in ny, and she does live in pa. Second, where, in any of my posts, did I say she had sex with him at work? Please show me. I only said she used to have sex with a co-worker.


That just pisses me off. If you're going to be mad at me for posting all over the place, fine. I understand that, but don't start making up. I never said she had sex with her ex at work. Maybe your the one who needs help.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

QLP I checked the links in this thread leading to other posts made by the OP, in one he makes claim hes in NY wants to Move to PA, needs or wants a valid reason for saying hes relocating, wants to move to work with children, in another hes claiming she has sex with her ex at work, in this thread he makes claim to having no idea what wrong with her only that shes gone off sex. but knows she has issues, blah blah
Please read them for youself.

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I already have but I think we're interpreting them differently. Always a problem with reading stuff on a computer you are never sure if your'e really getting what the poster is saying. I thought on this thread he was trying to say that he does understand that she has issues but he doesn't know how to deal with them regarding sex. Posting all over the place has certainly confused things. I don't see the other postings as being incompatible in terms of truth just not put together well to help us see the whole picture. I may well be incorrect, just how it looks to me.

For the moment I'd sooner give the benefit of the doubt and take things at face value. I'd rather waste a few minutes of my time with a troll, annoying though that can be, than treat someone with difficulties harshly. Having said that I know I tend to be naïve and always look for the best so I may well end up with egg on my face, but hey I have soap and water. :)

Please stay on topic here... and stop berating the OP. He's still worthy of your help, even if his girlfriend isn't a domestic violence victim.

I do want to say, though: No chat speak. That's one thing that will get your thread/posts deleted faster than a wink on the Adult Sexuality boards.

If you are asking for adult advice, you can type the full word out in a professional and adult manner.

I truly think that you need counseling as well. Your jealousy is as much an issue as her lack of sexual desire.

And the post about me finding a job in PA, while I'm in NY has nothing to do with these other posts. That's a totally different part of my relationship. Hence being posted in the job-hunting section.

I will repeat again for those people who do not seem to understand that I am referring to them:

THIS IS NOT A WITCH HUNT.

Stay on topic, and stay civil, or I WILL delete your posts.

Djn, as you work on moving closer (or moving in) is her behavior changing?

Yes, the jealousy is your issue. However, the co-worker is part of her past. How she feels about herself and her actions during that time are a part of her and is another piece in the puzzle. You may be giving her hints that you don't approve of what she did with her co-worker and your insecurities may be feeding into her own.

I really do wish the two of you all the best, but I am concerned that both of you are ignoring issues which will continue to grow. Oak trees begin as acorns. Both of you need to learn to communicate with each other and work together before you need a chainsaw to cut through the problems.

She needs to be encouraged to see her therapist. If she doesn't like this one or feels like he/she isn't listening to her, then she needs to try a different one. It is okay to shop for counselors.

Good luck to both of you.

You need to either forget or leave. Don't keep bringing it up. Get Counseling

All the threads have been merged into one, and I advise reading them all carefully before replying.

Jealousy can destroy a relationship faster than anything.
Have some confidence in each other and try to work through the insecurities you have.

I think you should stop thinking about her previous encounters if you intend on staying with her. If you love her and she loves you then I would say seek counseling to help both of you.

You both need some extensive guidance through your many unresolved issues, but a good start would be to start being true to your words, and match your actions to them.

That in my mind means dropping trying to initiate sex period, and working on the other areas of this relationship. Instead of promising intimacy, show it instead with very small gesture so she is not overwhelmed or think that it's a lead in to something more.

Don't ask her to open up, or try to fix something, wait until she is ready, willing and able to bring it to you, and if she does keep your mouth shut with what you think are great ideas to solve her problems. Her knowing you are listening and paying attention is enough, and small gestures of love and support are what's needed, NOT declarations of your own feelings as that's not what its about.

It's a process, learning the correct way to relate to each other, and I think the problem has been the point of view you relate to her, and that's pretty lousy since its from the lens of your own feelings, wants, and needs. It's a lot more complex and I doubt you really have the right tools, or skills to HELP her deal with her issues.

Sure some of her words and actions, and thinking may be hard, if not impossible to understand for you but that's why you back off, and see that pushing for info, or something to get her feelings out is the wrong approach.

I hope you both get the help you need, and you stop pushing for what YOU need and want, and lets be clear, its not just about how you push for sex, but more the space you give her in other areas of the relationship.

The experts have given you the right advice. Please take it and read back over your post.. it will help you. Good Luck

Thread was merged and edited since there are so many of the same ones posted


I also did a huge no-no and looked through her aim conversations. One of her friends that recently just lost her v-card, said the guy she did it with was huge... and of course my finacee said "large and in charge huh? I know of a boy whos large and in charge..." and her friend said "Like your co-worker, yeah, but no, it wasnt him...". I feel like crap knowing she still thinks about him. Thinks about his size... and when we met, she told me we were the same size, which if that were true, the example of the large and in charge would have been me... not him. I know my feelings are so irrational because it was the past, and before I was ever in the picture... but how am I supposed to feel, or act when I know all of this stuff about the two of them, and that she goes to work with him everyday. You know? I can't think of anything else... I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. What do I do? Its consuming me... it eats at me, and I feel like its going to ruin my relationship... please, someone tell me something good.

I really need a boost... I won't ever admit it to her, but I am very insecure... and jealousy is something I never express, I always try to keep it in, because I know jealousy can ruin relationships. And, I've told her how I've felt, and even though she understands, she does think I'm being immature for thinking about it as much as I do... which I agree with, but I'm human, and I can't fight these feelings. If I could turn off my feelings, I would, but I cant. Do u think I need to ask my finacee straight up... what was the sex like with him? Do u think I need some closure? Because I can't fight these feelings anymore... they are taking over. Help... someone please help.

You are engaged to this person and presumably you can talk to each other - I would tell her exactly what you have told us. If you are insecure, if you are jealous, if this is more than you can handle yourself you need to tell her.

I have no idea why you want to know what the sex was like with him. Does it matter if it was better, worse or the same than sex with you? I've had terrific, mind blowing sex with people I didn't love. I don't see the connection and it's not a competition.

As far as his size - I have no idea why men ask that question ("Who's bigger, me or him?"). I don't have a single female friend who cares about size.
'
As far as snooping - well, you've learned that if you snoop you'd better be ready to handle whatever you find.

Perhaps you need to talk to a therapist about self esteem issues.

Unless your fiancé somehow rubs her past in your face, isn't kind and caring, isn't sexually attracted to you I think you are blowing her past way out of line - and you're the one presumably who asked her about it.

As far as working with the other guy - I was engaged to someone I now occasionally work with. I didn't marry him. I married my husband. That was then. Now is now.

I think you need to talk to someone.

Now I'm going to be blunt - you have posted this same problem before, more than once. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ce-483890.html

You need to take the advice you've been given and DO SOMETHING.

Since you are still having the same problem that you had before, and chose not to get some help, then you have to remove yourself from this very unhealthy situation which you can't seem to handle, and put some time, and distance between you, so you can have other things in your life to focus on besides what she did before she met you.

You obviously don't have the skills to handle this situation, so get out of it until you do. And no need to keep making new posts about the same thing because they will be deleted.

I read your post and the thing that leaped out at me was that your fiancé will be sharing a room with her f- buddy. Cut this one loose, you are headed for nothing but heartache.