Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend wants space?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

OK, I'm coming from a different perspective.
I don't doubt she loves you, she has spent 7 years with you. That is a long time. Why you two bought a house together before marriage is beyond me but I think she is wanting more, maybe she saw no future with you ( you said you were only 28 and not interested in marriage)

You two may have just become too comfortable and a bit complacent with the relationship, you obviously were not ready to take the next step. She meets someone who really peaks her interest so she begins to question the relationship. 7 years is a long time for adults to date and no wedding date. Unless you are totally against marriage, to date someone for that long and not go there, I would begin to wonder if I'm where I should or even want to be.

I think you two need to separate as soon as possible. It will be better and easier for both of you.

Thanks for the reply. I know what you're saying about the marriage thing, it is a long time but she was also adamant she didn't want to - until 3 weeks ago when she said she did. I was actually planning to ask her on our next holiday, but never got the chance. The house needed total renovation so we spent every penny on it, so no money for a ring! I would have married and was starting to feel ready, I even discussed with my mum how to approach it!

She says that she wants to forget what's happened and get back to us, but can't forgive herself for betraying me a second time. I guess that tells me a lot

I don't know what to tell you except to separate and rethink this whole thing. To go back to normal is not likely to happen.
I wish you well.

If I had to guess, I would guess that she's wanted marriage for a few years now and because you weren't ready, she pretended she wasn't ready. Like I said, I'm only guessing. If that's the case she needs to work on her communication.

On the other hand, aren't you glad that you guys weren't married yet? She's having feelings for other guys that she thinks she needs to explore? What would stop her if you two were actually married? I'm sorry but it may be time to move on and find someone that can commit to you.

Like Tal said, we all have those feelings from time to time, it's how we deal with them that makes a difference.

I think she was committed to him, for 7 years. She did tell him about the guy. I think he was a wake up call for her.
It's time to fish or cut bait. She may be thinking it's time to cut bait.

It's too bad they put the cart before the horse and bought a house together, but if she had a wake up call, she had every right to put on the breaks rather than going on as if nothing has happened and be miserable.
It's too bad for both of them but it could be for the best in the long run.

You have no choice but to let her deal with whatever she is feeling, or tell her to marry you, or get out.

Either way, your relationship is challenged and a resolution has to be found.

You got in this together. And you will have to get out of this together.

Just a side note, show me a couple who are waiting for the right time to commit to each other with marriage, I will show you two idiots who don't have a clue what they are talking about.

Having said that, a piece of paper and a title, are not a commitment.

What you have accomplished so far is, that's why I highly suggest she better get with YOUR program, or get the hell out. Hers would never work for me, nor does it clearly work for you.

Then go fishing with the boys, and let her think it over, and make a decision.

Her wishy washy emotional BS, has gone on far enough, don't you think? Ever wonder where she is on the weekends at her parents house?

Whatever she decides, she is still on the hook for half the mortgage. Or half the loss from a break up!! Make sure she knows that.

She can't decide?? Make the decision for her.

Stop, If you two are this unhappy now and communication is that bad. I wouldn't want you to marry and 30 years down the road when she doesn't communicate with you at all and makes you feel worthless you meet someone else who really makes you happy, with who you have a genuine connection with and be stuck with the obligation of a marriage and children possibly. There is someone out there that you just fit with you won't be able to put your finger on it you won't know why it will just be and it will make you feel wonderful.
Take it from someone who has found it but cannot have it. If it doesn't feel right if it doesn't feel like you fit together like you connect then its wrong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You have no choice but to let her deal with whatever she is feeling, or tell her to marry you, or get out.

What you have accomplished so far is, thats why I highly suggest she better get with YOUR program, or get the hell out. Hers would never work for me, nor does it clearly work for you.

She can't decide??? Make the decision for her.

Well, I gave her my ultimatum last week, which was - 'have a week to yourself and then come back and tell me whether you can commit, if you can't then I'm off'.

We had a week of NC and she came back and told me she had no choice but to end it. She said she wants to forget it all, but can't handle what she's done (contacting/meeting that guy) and said that its brought up all her old feelings and the pain from the last time we broke up.

Really, she's cheated on me physically once (3yrs ago) and emotionally with this recent guy. In fact, when I read this back I wonder why on earth I'm even talking to her and wanting to work things out!

What pains me the most is that she just won't talk to me about it all - except when she's really upset and crying on me. We don't seem to be able to have a civil conversation about it; perhaps we're just both too emotional at the moment. I don't understand why she can't commit when she is admant that she loves me and she asked me to marry her just 4 weeks ago! I asked if she meant what she said last recently and she said yes. How can you walk away from someone you supposedly want to marry in the space of 3 weeks!

Somebody has to go, or this confusion will only get worse.

I know. I just don't want to have a re-run of last time we split up when I left her after she cheated and she spent the next 7 months trying to get me back! I relented (without regret) and were happy again, with a much improved relationship - especially in terms of open communication.

I know she'll regret it in time, that's what makes it difficult because if she could see that now, we wouldn't be in this situation!

God she frustrates me...