Well after reading your post I think it all makes a lot of sense now - and I know I do that but I wish I didn't :( - and he used to try it all the time and wouldn't stop him, now she has though. And I do want to discuss issues and boundries with her - but I don't know how to - could you tell me more? I don't want to go in all accusing - but I do want to sort this with her. I really think you could help me if you were to help me find a good way of doing that?


Because the problem I have is that I start to set them and sort it all but I get all angry because I don't get my point across - I then back out but if I had a good way of setting them (im not too sure what they are lol) then it might get sorted.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by timez

because the problem i have is that i start to set them and sort it all but i get all angry because i dont get my point across - i then back out but if i had a good way of setting them (im not too sure what they are lol) then it might get sorted.

---

They can't be just your boundaries. Keep in mind it isn't all about what you want and how you want it. She has to have some say in setting them too and they have to be set for both of you. You're partners not parent and child or boss and employee.

Can you try letting her know that you need to talk with her? Tell her that you are concerned. Tell her why. Don't make accusations or point fingers. Be honest with her. Listen when she talks and try not to put your own spin on what she says. If you aren't sure what she means, ask her to clarify. She should ask if she doesn't quite understand what you are saying.

Remember that she probably has issues and concerns too. It may be frustrating to hear what she thinks is going wrong, but you both need to open and honest about the present to even think about building a future.

Good luck.

It seems that you and your GF needs to find a way to communicate certain things.

Seeing as you say that the pics aren't really your problem, but the xBF than try to find out what it is exactly that bothers you about that before you talk to her.

Also let the pic thing go... If you were my BF pestering me about that I would be more Peeved with you than I can put into words. At the beginning of this thread you talk about asking and asking for naughty pics and than you found out that she had done it in the past.. OH DARE she.. (is the impression I'm getting from you) She'll send it to someone else and not me?

If someone was trying to force naughty pics out of me I wouldn't do it just out of plain'old princepals! And yes it is that simple and if my BF had snooped and found out I'd done it in the past and started bugging me even morew about it... wow..



My point is...
People change, maybe her bountries has changed. Maybe you're making TOO MUCH of a deal out of something tiny and stupid that is personal to her. Maybe you're just looking for a reason to break up with her?

And I agree with catsmine... the two of you seem as a couple that needs to set down some bounderies, but they can't all be on your terms. It takes two to tango and she needs to be allowed to have her say as well.

As for dishonesty, please... you're being dishonest about this subject as well... snooping around in her personal business and all. What she did beofre you is really non of your business, if her past bothers you: well don't ask her about it!

And another thing about dishonesty... there are far worse things to lie about and there is also a clear distinction between LYING and NOT DISCLOSING INFORMATION!

Which is what I see her as doing, she is not lying. She is just choosing to not tell you about something that is non of your business.

It seems to me that you have trust issues! If you can't take a leap of faith and trust her you might as well just get out of the relationship now.

Ok an update - last time I saw her I confronted her about it all and came clean about looking at her emails - I basiclly said I don't mind that you sent pics before its just if I ask something id rather you was honist - she said she would send me one - and I said no you don't need to - I just wanted you to be honest - she said OK. And I haven't asked her since - as I was just testing for honesty - also she told more fibs about how much she had talked to her ex and I basiclly told her I'm not comftable with him being around still esp as it is now causing her to lie to me - she said she will cut all contact with him full stop. I do now feel better all be it a bit bad - but I did come clean about snooping - and I couldn't carry on with her ex being around so I had to tell her.

Its nice and all that the two of you talked, Its also good that you feel that something's were resolved.

I will also give you kreds about coming clean about the snooping.

But to me it doesn't really seem as if you have reflected on your part in all of this. Maybe you should do a little of that as well.

also you will need to let the "fibs" go, afford the girl some privacy and don't go through her personal emails again..

even though this is resolved for now, I get a sneeking suspecion that it will arrise again at some later date if you don't relax a little.

Although I will also give you kreds and recognition that for some x's are a bit problematic and so far I feel that the thing about the x is the only real concern you should be hung up on. I also get an impression that this was at the core of the problem for you.

But yeah... bottom line is:

We also play a role in our relationships, good and bad, it's not all about the other person.

OH and also... NO CHAT SPEAK please, it makes the posts harder to read than they have to be.

Glad you feel its resolved
best of luck and have good weekend.

Yeah I know I feel awful about the snooping and wish I hadn't, and really your right, the ex has always been at the core of this since day one

And now he's gone I feel so much more relaxed, today is the first day I feel like I'm not worred about her cheating or lying anymore.

Thank you all for your posts it really helped me get everything in perspective

I'm glad that you've finally opened up the communication lines. Sometimes just talking helps work it all out.

You just have to trust her. But, if she happens to go back to talking to the ex after she's told you it's stopped, then you'll need to consider her untrustworthy and end it all.

Confront her. Let her know how you feel. Women like men who open up. Trust her when you think you need to but don't go crazy and think she is going to lie to you every chance she gets. She might have had a good reason for lying. Look into it.