You two need to go to couple's counseling. There seems to be a lot of dysfunction here, that has been here throughout the 10year relationship, and you have your own baggage you've brought to the table.

It's going to take a while to repair the damage that had been done here.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You two need to go to couple's counseling. There seems to be a lot of dysfunction here, that has been here throughout the 10year relationship, and you have your own baggage you've brought to the table.

It's going to take a while to repair the damage that had been done here.

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We know time will heal all wounds but it's weird after we came "clean" it was like I was looking at a whole new women when I kissed her it was like for the first time we can still have sex and hold each other and forgive each other we believe that "there is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness with out love" I understand we are all human we make mistake's everyone deserves a second chance she has given me more than 1 chance

And that is all good. But as you stated in your opening post, you don't know how to trust her and you have a fear of abandonment.
She has done some things as well that are not quite normal. Going to counseling does not mean you two don't love each other, it means you have problems you two need help dealing with and you love each other enough to try to work things out.

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Originally Posted by HRIVERA

she said she truly loves me and i'm a good father

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She said that I'm who she want to spend the rest of her life with I'm the one she choosed she also said if I wanted him I would be with him she said I was hoping I would change and as of the last year when I dedcied to change she liked who I was turning in to and that made her happy
That's why she told me everything and I felt if I was truly going to change I had to come out with everything and then we would see how we felt about each other I don't hate her or despise her just hurt but I was also doing the hurting we took it as you messed because of "this" I'm going work on fxing that and she messed up because of "that" and she is going to work on fixing that.are we taking the correct steps

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

And that is all good. But as you stated in your opening post, you don't know how to trust her and you have a fear of abandonment.
She has done some things as well that are not quite normal. Going to counseling does not mean you two don't love each other, it means you have problems you two need help dealing with and you love each other enough to try to work things out.

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You're 100% correct we can't fix this on our own because it might go back to the way it was

Should I do my own and couples or just do the couples,I'm thinking more of couples we need to fix us

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Originally Posted by HRIVERA

youre 100% correct we can't fix this on our own because it might go back to the way it was

should i do my own and couples or just do the couples,i'm thinking more of couples we need to fix us

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You should go with her, and then the therapist will help you with that question. They will want to talk to both of you to get a more clear picture!

Working on the issues separately is a good start. However, you both need to work together for the relationship to have a firm foundation.

By going to marriage/couple's counseling, you would be seeing the same person and be able to get help putting all the changes into practice in an effective manner.

By only working on issues separately, you risk getting conflicting information and ideas because the separate counselors don't know what the other one is suggesting or what the other person sees as the underlying problems.

I am glad you are both getting help for yourselves. Don't forget to get help for the 'couple', too.

Thanks I wll keep u posted

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Originally Posted by HRIVERA

thanks i wll keep u posted

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I hope to hear great things! Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

the separate counselors don't know what the other one is suggesting or what the other person sees as the underlying problems.

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If the couple lets their counselors know about each other and gives permission for them to confer, everyone will be on the same page. If it's physically possible, the entire gang could get together to talk now and then.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

If the couple lets their counselors know about each other and gives permission for them to confer, everyone will be on the same page. If it's physically possible, the entire gang could get together to talk now and then.

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All parties envoled or just us "the entire gang could get together to talk now and then." what does this mean confused

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Originally Posted by HRIVERA

all parties envoled or just us "the entire gang could get together to talk now and then." what does this mean confused

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The kids too, they give a great "realistic" picture of the behaviors of the household too! You will talk about all of this as soon as you go to your appointment.

UNLESS, she meant all of the individual therapists and you and your girlfriend. Which could be very well too!

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Originally Posted by startover22

UNLESS, she meant all of the individual therapists and you and your girlfriend. Which could be very well too!

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She meant this -- counselors, children, adults -- the whole gang.

That way the counselors, especially if they have been trained in family systems therapy, would be able to observe the interactions between and among the clients and their children.

Good idea we are going together tomorrow and we will ask him about the kids

Thanks everyone this was theraputic on its own I will keep you posted

Went to our first session things are going great we said we are on the right path to treating each other right and making this work I think that we will be okay as long as we are willing to give this relationship 100% from us both no half a** stuff and as long as I put in effort to show I love her care share the responsibilities 50/50 no 100/100 from us I will let you guys know how the progess is going
THANK'STO EVERYONE

Keep up the counseling and the good work

Awesome! Great news!

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Originally Posted by HRIVERA

went to our first session things are going great we said we are on the right path to treating each other right and making this work i think that we will be okay as long as we are willing to give this relationship 100% from us both no half a** stuff and as long as i put in effort to show i love her care share the responsibilites 50/50 no 100/100 from us i will let you guys know how the progess is going
THANK'STO EVERYONE

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Great news. I hope everything continues to go well.:)

Yeah the one I figured out is that if you have no fear of the UNKNOWN there is nothing really to fear because with the fear of the unknown your mind will make sitituations up and your physicky
Will put that fear in your life and you will never truly be happy or stress free,

Okay people I feel like I have reasched a wall in couples therapy
She is doing everything in her power to make it work I have changed the way I treat her emotionally support her but for some reason every time I pass the name of the street he lives on it bothers me and when I'm in his neighborhood its bothers me I can get over the details,some times I feel great and some times I feel like giving up I ask myself are you strong enough for this me and her talked the other day because she knew something was bothering me so I asked her do you think what I did and what you did are the same she said NO she said that for lasting the whole 10 years it was way worse we both agreed,but I know forvinesess is a act not a feeling why can't I get over the certain details that happened that's when I start to have a bad day