1-Be a good dad

2-Be a good human being

3- stay positive and lead by example.

It hasn't been that long, and I think it's a wake up call to change your priorities. That doesn't mean begging her back, but coping with your feelings in positive ways, and first and foremost is the kids. No matter what happens never let them suffer for the actions of adults, and don't pester her for personal time, and attention. If you have surely changed she will see it in your actions over time and not just words. You both are really young, and going through personal adjustments, but she needs the time and space from you emotionally to get her head on straight and learn to make adjustments also.

Problems are rarely just one person fault, neither is the solution. You both need the time so don't be down on yourself.

I have no intention's of giving up on my family. It's taken a HUGE kick in the nad's to find this out and be cracked wide open and I truly wish I could tun back time and smack myself about and tell me to wake up. I'm going over tonight to stay on the sofa so maybe she can see a little more how much I'm prepared to work at it. Thanks for all he advice so far and I will keep you updated.

I have read these posts and think the answers given are spot on.
We have been on an emotional rollercoaster for 10 years. Dealing with moving home so many times, family fall outs, new jobs, broken trust, financial troubles whilst being the best most positive mummy to our gorgeous girls has taken it out of me because I feel like I've done it all alone.
You were there behind me all the time but you never caught me when I fell and always kept yourself distant so I couldn't lean on you.
I struggled carrying a massive load of responsibility and when I collapsed under the pressure and asked you to help... You laughed at my tears and then turned your back on me.
How many times did I beg you to look at your life and to try to see it from my point of view? To see what you were missing out on? To help me?
I thought maybe you were putting up an emotional wall to see if I cared enough about you to break it down.. I tried, calmly, reasonably and with utmost respect for your feelings, I tried. I left myself exhausted, frustrated, feeling weak and hopeless. I got nowhere and have been left battered and doubting I have the energy to try anymore.

How you treated me broke my heart and a relationship is like glass, sometimes it's better to leave it broken than to hurt yourself putting it back together again... I had put my heart into 'us' for such a long time and have been let down too many times. I couldn't trust you, depend on you, talk to you, you didn't respect me, support me or appreciate me.

We have two amazing children and I will not let them be hurt by our mess.

Your newfound openness, ability to communicate, interaction with the kids, general helpfulness and promises of a new you are exactly what you need to do for yourself and our children. Look at all the brilliant things about being a parent.. Be positive, look forward and planning for a happy future. Where there is life there is hope.

I can see the positive changes in you. I'm glad to see it. Our girls deserve quality time with their dad and mum deserves a break!
I need to stay strong, focused and positive for myself and our girls. You being around so much looking heartbroken, the tears and telling me your fears about me finding someone else, your want to be with me, your only hope and option in life is to be a family unit is making me feel pressured into 'changing' my feelings. It's draining me. I feel like I have been given the choice of breaking my own heart again or ruining your life? I can't handle being your only hope.

I know I've made it harder by being rational, level-headed and yet still kind and compassionate.. but that's me and you know it. I don't want to fight or part on bad terms even if that would make the transition into a break 'easier', Please try to understand.. I need to be free of my emotional ties to you.. safe from hurt, confusion, anger and resent.

When 'we' fell asleep on the sofa was I not feeling ill? Did I not fall asleep early? I felt stupid.. like I had been made a fool of. I don't have the energy to fight you, to reject your advances, requests for hugs etc.. It makes me angry to see you sulk. You know when I fall asleep I'm not fully aware of what's going on! Please respect my feelings. I keep telling you its making me feel uncomfortable. I do not want to end up in an argument.
I can see you want to work at it now, of course you do, because you can now see how much I tried, how much I gave and how hard I worked for our family. You know you were lucky but you took advantage of me and now you want me back. I won't play games with my self-respect.

I won't make promises I can't keep. I won't give you false hope. All I can say is give me a break, room and time to heal my wounds. See what happens. I have changed and I hope for yours and our children's sake you have changed.. put some space between us and see if we fit back together again.

Are you the lady and mom?

Read what she has said and take it to heart. Give her the space she needs, respect her wishes.
I wish you two the best whatever the outcome is.

Well its been a while now and I thought a little update was in order.

At the beginning of May my brakes on my car broke and Sarah very kindly said I could stay another month to help me as I had to spend money on the car. In that time after reading a lot and thinking I said something which I deeply regret and know I should have listened and taken on board what she said about it only being a break. I told her it was over and that breaks always turn out to be break up's. I tried to make it up to her and say that it's not what I really want but what I was thinking and feeling at the time.

I've moved back to my mum's and have been seeing the girls most day's. Today we took my eldest to new bike and I nearly broke down in Toys R Us, I'm finding it so very very hard to have her next to me but know we are not together any more.

I was going to have dinner there but decided not to as to how I was feeling.
I told her I was going to leave because of how I felt and she said that can't keep happening, I said I know and I'm sorry but I'm finding it really hard. She replied with this is not what she wants and wants us to be happy as a family together. I said that will never be as I'm madly in love with her and am finding very hard. I've been trying my best to hold my feelings in especially in front of the girls.

The days since I've gone and I see her I always kiss her on the cheek and not once had she kissed me back but today she did which made me feel a little better not a lot but a little. I'm not going to take anything from that at all just it made me feel a little better.

Have you two done any family counseling?
It may help.

No she says I have to get counseling on my own first which I'm getting through my work. It's one of the thing's I said to her when it started kicking off, She is seeing someone from relate and they have said the same as here.

I just got to seek help myself and give it time and hopefully her heart will change with the changes I make to myself.

Yes. Do what you need to do for you and your kids. Don't worry abour her at this point

Its just so hard not to worry or think about her, I have my girls and every time I look at them I see her, They talk about when am I coming back and I break down in tears every time. I know my mistakes she knows I know but she doesn't want to gamble with her heart just yet and needs more time.

I understand. You will be OK.
Just keep doing what you need to do for you and the girls. IT will get easier.

Sorry guy, but I deleted your journal for your own privacy, but I can send it to you if you PM me.

An update.

She tells me now after my stupid silly actions and letting my feelings get the better of me, it's over and I need to improve myself. She is very angry right now so was probably saying it to protect herself and get me to sort myself out.

I’ve been speaking to a friend at work who has been through the same as me and has been very supportive over the past couple of days.

I’ve started using my Mum’s cross trainer which is something I’ve never done before and plan to make a lot of improvements to myself. Stopping smoking spending the quality time with my girls as I believe this is a big part to me winning her heart back.

My journal has shown me a lot reading it back to myself and I can see the same mistakes that I grew up with that I did in our relationship.

I came from a mothering environment where no love was shown between my stepfather and mother and when I got with Sarah she carried on the mothering as it was her way of loving me.

She doesn’t blame me for everything that went wrong she says that she should have been more demanding.

I now see this and never want to go back to that way. Her counsellor said that while I may make improvements for the first 2 months I could slip back in to my old ways so it would be another 2months to make sure I don’t slip back then another possible 2months to be extra sure. I hope I’ve not pushed her too far though which I fear she has.

I see a counsellor on Wednesday and will be seeing the girls that evening then having them on Friday. Strawberry picking and a farm, they will love it.

I feel better now still angry with myself but not as much as I have been, I need to stay focused on the goal which is to improve me first and foremost, make my relationship with my girls a lot better then hopefully this will enable me to show and unteach Sarah of all my bad old ways.

You have your priorities fairly straight, hope it works out, whether she comes back or not.

I saw my counsellor yesterday for the first time and in the first session she made me see what my issues were.

Due to the rejection and my childhood with my father telling me at 12/13 that I would always be 2nd best to my step mum and half brother and the abusive stepfather I had gave me a fear of rejection subconsciously that I used computer gaming to escape my unhappiness. I push away the ones that I love for the fear of rejection so I did exactly what I had always feared.

I spoke to Sarah last night and she said she understood and knew about it but there was only 1 person that could sort myself out….. ME.

She still says she loves me like a brother or a sister and does care for me but is enjoying life being single and cannot see what the future holds/

I want it to be the girls and Sarah that see me change, I want Sarah to be the one to see that I've sorted my head out and conqerd my fears to provide the future that both my girls and her deserve. I will accpet if she doesn't want me back I won't try but she hasn't said that, only that she doesn't know what the future brings. I will not stop telling I love her, I will not stop showing I love her. I won't smother her with it and will give her the space that she needs but I need her to know how much I love her and how much I'm willing to try for her.

The guilt is killing me I don’t know what to do.

I was getting better but after yesterday I feel like I’ve gone backwards after hearing that.

Kut…

I read everything from the beginning but since the original post I had the same thought that it's not about you and your healing.

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, I understand you are miserable right now, everyone ends up here seeking help. But not a lot of people put names in posts. For nothing in the world I would let my ex see the posts I made here, let alone making a post on my thread - unless I seek his pity or try to put pressure on him and I don't think it's the right way to go.

You have to understand that it's about YOU and your daughters. Take in account that you basically grew up together. When most teenager couples fell apart in early twenties, you somehow, stayed. From what I read on Sarah's (I'm assuming it was her) post, she had to carry most of the weight and she tried as much as she could but sometimes it's not enough.

"I want it to be the girls and Sarah that see me change, i want Sarah to be the one to see that i've sorted my head out and conqerd my fears to provide the future that both my girls and her deserve. I will accpet if she doesn't want me back I won't try but she hasn't said that" [... ] "I will not stop telling I love her, I will not stop showing I love her." [... ] "will give her the space that she needs but i need her to know how much i love her."

She is tired, let her heal. I honestly think that telling someone you love them or show your affection is the way to heal or give the other person the space they need, but if you don't think you can handle it and if she is patient enough, I guess it's a way to keep hoping... if it's what you want.

I would suggest you to take care of yourself for yourself, like everyone here would say - and stop trying to make her notice. You were the center of her life for 10 years, I'm sure she does. You just need to be confident.


When I look at my ex-husband, I see the one I fell in love with when I was 18. I see our wedding day, our holidays, I see us studying together, graduating, I see 8 wonderful years of my life. I see arguments too, but it doesn't matter. I know that I can call him in any circumstance, that I will be there for him anytime he needs me. I do love him and have a lot of affection for him, but I am not in love with him. And I think it's what true love is. Even if "the worst" happens, if she ends up telling you she can't see herself getting back with you any time in the future, you are lucky to have this feeling.
And remember, as long as you are working on yourself, you're not going backwards.

Its not about pity or putting pressure on her, it was about showing her I'm seeking the help I need to make myself better and what I'm doing to do so.

She won't give closure on the relationship even though she says it over, to me why wouldn't she put closure on it if its over? This confuses me to no extent what so ever and still makes me believe there is hope for us but only with time and improvements to myself and my relationship with my 2 beautiful girls.

Thank you for your words

Kut...

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it was about showing her I'm seeking the help

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That should not even be part of the equation, because your trying to influence her thinking, and that comes of as your doing it for your own gain.

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She won't give closure on the relationship

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You are responsible for your own closure, based on the facts, and not just your need.

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this confuses me to no extent what so ever and still makes me believe there is hope for us

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When you finally take responsibility, then you will not be confused and beholding to her for what your supposed to do.

Your actions, and your mindset, got you here. And that's what gets you out. Many get stuck in the false hope game, and think showing changes is their solution. Its NOT! Only by making changes, and not caring what others think, will bring you get peace of mind. You are doing this as a strategy to influence her back, when you should be doing it for you, whether she comes back or not. Whether she notices or not. Its far too late to impress her my friend. She no longer cares, and if your making changes hinges on her changing, you will fail miserably.

When you accept your circumstances fully, and stop trying to get back what you lost, then you will have the closure you need to stop being confused, and do what your supposed to.

Why is this about you changing to be a better person and you showing this and that to her and your daughters? What about her needs and desires? She wants space and time. Its clear. Give it to her. Period.

Its wonderful your going to be a better man. Keep working at it with or without her. But you need to keep in mind she also has issues and she is also healing and making her own changes. Give her the time and space she needs for this to happen. You can show her all the positive changes in the world but love and trust are a hard thing to get back when they have been lost. She has a wall up and I feel your trying to climb over it as she is building it higher.

This isn't about only you and that's how I am reading some of these posts. Your both hurting. You were together a long time. Its hard to make the change and look at life alone. Its scary. I am sure she has conflicting feelings and maybe this is why your not seeing closure with her.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Why is this about you changing to be a better person and you showing this and that to her and your daughters? What about her needs and desires? She wants space and time. Its clear. Give it to her. Period.

Its wonderful your going to be a better man. Keep working at it with or without her. But you need to keep in mind she also has issues and she is also healing and making her own changes. Give her the time and space she needs for this to happen. You can show her all the positive changes in the world but love and trust are a hard thing to get back when they have been lost. She has a wall up and I feel your trying to climb over it as she is building it higher.

This isnt about only you and thats how I am reading some of these posts. Your both hurting. You were together a long time. Its hard to make the change and look at life alone. Its scary. I am sure she has conflicting feelings and maybe this is why your not seeing closure with her.

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I agree. Great post!
(sorry, have to spread some rep)

Had another session yesterday and do feel a lot better now. I feel more happier with myself. I've now let go as hard as it is to do I'ev done it. I've put closure on one of the main things that made me unhappy which is my father.

I have a much better relationship with my girls mainly my youngest who I didn't have a great relationship with. She clings to me when I go round which makes my heart melt.

I made so many mistakes over the years which came from my childhood and fear of failure like my father before me so I kept my love one's at arms length so I couldn't be hurt and rejected like when I was growing up. I let my fear of rejection control my head over the past couple of months which pushed her away even more. I know I shouldn't have but I had so many feelings flooding in to me I couldn't keep my head straight and acted on these stupid thoughts and feelings. I know I'm not the first and I won't be the last.

I had to thank her for break up as I believe things would have got a lot worse over the years and this is something that needed to be tackled head on. As I said to her if it was just a break I wouldn't have got the help that I needed to sort myself out. I believe I would have taken the break not done anything to help myself and then gone back and fall back in to my old ways which is not going to happen now.

What ever happens in the future be it with her or another person I have her to thank for helping me get the help I needed to make myself happier and a better father. She would have never been able to just tell me it had to be something like this for me to get the help, as she said a MAJOR KICK IN THE BUM is what I needed.

She will always have a place in my heart for what she has given me over the years.

Who knows what the future may bring but I know I will be happier either way