When you eventually do become 'a couple', and you are both with each other, without anyone between, it will be like any other situation. Your girlfriend will come first to you, and you will be priority for her.

It's not unlike if you had a male friend, and you had been used to three evenings of darts, and golf on Sunday. You would have to back off on the friendship, and develop interests and activities with your girlfriend.

If your ex was a guy, this wouldn't be a problem. You're not giving up on the friendship, you are putting the friendship in proportional importance to your relationship with your girlfriend. I'd bet my bippy she woulnd't have a problem with it at all.

However, maintaining a friendship with a woman who loves you, regardless that you see her only as a friend, will also be a thorn in your girlfriends side. If the ex eventually finds her own man, that might work into some sort of couples thing. But, as long as she remains in love with you, it isn't a friendship. It is very unbalanced.

I think you said your frienship has gone on for 9 years? It is time for both of you to realize that your needs and wants are not going to be satisfied with each other. Break the friendship would be my advice.

Regardless of who you end up with as a girlfriend, you need to get rid of that long standing relationship.

Okay, you know this relationship is young, only three months.

This relationship could last, or might not last. There is a 50/50 percent.

Even if you do all those things there is no guarantee that will keep your new girlfriend happy anyway.

Too many issues are happening way too fast, but still you want to give this a shot with the girlfriend right?

I honestly, my personal feeling is it will not last anyway, and has got way too series. Way too fast. That is just opinion as well.

You might try to do everything and anything to keep her happy but it might never be enough and you might go your separate ways anyway.

Maybe you need a break. Maybe you need time to decide what is important and what you need to do. Maybe your not truly ready for a relationship.

Relationships are to built on trust and even though you may have it on yourself its not the same the other way around.

Relationships need to be built on understanding each other and COMPROMISE but in my opinion the compromising will only be one sided.

Just from what I have seen so far.

Your right it is a difficult position and we can all voice our concerns and opinions does not mean we are right or wrong about it. Honestly it is easy to give advice without being in your shoes.

I think that your rushing head first in this new relationship. Although your trying to prove to her that your ex means nothing the new girlfriend has seen differently.

In this situation both women are going to get hurt. Or already have been.

I have to spread some rep, but jake2008 your advice is spot on. Always is.

Your basically all saying that I have to stop being her friend completely... right? Or have I missed your point?

Homegirl, you are saying that I should in fact care, and yet I can't ever see her while she loves me. If her emotions were a switch I would turn them off in an instant. But what your saying is if I care, I should let her go as a friend, completely?

This is my problem. My relationship with my GF is still new, yet you are all giving me the advice that I should ditch a 9 year friendship because of it because that is the only way it will work out...

That's a tough call...

Most relationship my advice would say. You should always be able to keep your friends too.

That there is nothing wrong with being friends with the opposite sex, but this situation is different.

There is a history, there is a love and living together, which throws a huge wrench into the girlfriend situation which as you can tell the women here given you all the advice see.

Wow,

I really really hate this situation. Looks like I'm going to need a serious chat with my GF, and my ex. I'm going to have to ask my ex to go... or I will go... one way or another that much is obvious to me now.

As for my GF, she will know I'm doing this for us. If it doesn't work my only hope is that I don't lose my friend forever because of this.

You cannot have a "old friends" relationship with her because she is in love with you.
You can talk to her from time to time, but regular visits and hanging out is just not right. It's not fair to her and I'm surprised that she has not realized that she needs to be out of your life, at least until she gets a handle on her feelings and is with someone else. That's just creepy.

But you certainly should not have her living with you and have another woman there as well. It's not really fair to anybody.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Karta666

Wow,

I really really hate this situation. Looks like i'm going to need a serious chat with my GF, and my ex. I'm going to have to ask my ex to go... or i will go... one way or another that much is obvious to me now.

As for my GF, she will know i'm doing this for us. If it doesn't work my only hope is that i don't lose my friend forever because of this.

---

You are doing it because it is the right thing to do for you friend. She needs to distance herself from you, for HER own good.

I wish you well!

Thank you all,

I'm pretty sure I know what I have to do now. I think I came to the same conclusion as all of you, as much as I wanted to be wrong... My ex needs to go.. living with me and as a close friend. She needs to turn into an acquaintance.

If anyone has anything further to add please do so. :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You are doing it because it is the right thing to do for you friend. She needs to distance herself from you, for HER own good.

I wish you well!

---

Thank you... I'm not even sure if that is going to do her any good, for 5 years of the 9 years we have known each other, she lived away and we only saw each other once every 5 months or so, and still she feels the same.

Out of all of this I feel sorry for her, I would hate to be in her position, especially as I asked her to move in with me to help me out (which I wouldn't have done if I'd have known), and now I'm going to tell her to go... I feel awful about this, but it's going to have to be done... for everone involved.

3 months is too soon to assume anything in this relationship..

As a female looking at this situation, seeing a new boyfriend still living with an ex girlfriend who claims to just be friends is a bit hard to understand! And even accept.

Everyone has it in their minds that ex boyfriends and girlfriends disappear after the relationship ends, not move in together and become the best of friends. Its kind of strange, and if I were in her shoes, I would be just as concerned.

You appear to be handling the situation OK. I think you really need to let your relationship grow more before you decide on either girl. If you really do fall in love with this new girlfriend of yours, why are you going to keep the ex around?

I agree with your girlfriend.. hugging, spending the entire day together and what not is a big no-no. You want to establish trust and allow this girl to fall in love with you, right? Allowing your ex girlfriend, now pronounced friend who you LIVE WITH is just crazy!

No one on this site can look anyone one person in the eye, and say that they wouldn't mind their new mate of 3 months being the best of friends with an ex. To allow this new mate to spend entire days with the ex, go to movies with the ex, allow the ex to cook dinner... Its just crazy!

You say you'd be understand and trusting, but I'm sure you haven't been in that situation. Who knows how you'd react. And who knows, maybe this new girl has some very slight trust issues.

I think you should allow your relationship to grow more before you say good bye to either girl. No, your new girlfriend cannot come between you and your friends and can't choose your friends either.. but, really? Give her a break also! This is a very strange situation that most people would not tolerate.

Thanks for your advice.

I would love to have the luxury of time to get to know my GF better, but I fear that unless I say goodbye to my friend now, this problem will eat up my GF to the point that it erodes our relationship to nothing, therefore I have to make the decision now.

We might as well lock this thread now because we all know my ex has to go, and that's what I have to do.

I hope I don't live to regret my decision, but I have faith that our relationship will work, every other aspect of our relationship is as close to perfect that I could ever dream of, it's only this issue that drives a wedge between us and makes her go into 'self protect mode'. The last thing I want to do is make her go into 'self destruct mode' by giving it more time.

Have to act. NOW.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Lucky098

You say you'd be understand and trusting, but I'm sure you havent been in that situation. Who knows how you'd react.

---

I have been in this situation... I gave that person all the trust they ever needed and it was never a problem. I trusted her, she made me feel secure by paying me a lot more attention than she paid him. We separated mutually for completely other reasons. I guess I'm just more open mided and relaxed in this principle to 95% of the rest of the world.

I may live with my ex, but we lead separate lives. We only spend good 'friend time' together once a week or so. Some people see their friends every day. The REAL issue is that my ex loves me, which I didn't ask for, didn't want and don't need. If she didn't love me, much of this wouldn't be an issue, my GF even said so herself.

Either way, from the advice given, my path is clear, I just hope I don't walk down it and find a dead end.

Thanks all

The way I see it... If it doesn't work out with the current girlfriend, the girl you chose to be with after this one may have just a big of problem with the live in ex girlfriend/friend.

And who knows, maybe the ex will position herself in your life so it will always be an issue.

Stay friends with your ex. No harm in that. Establish a good foundation before introducing her to a new girlfriend. Don't live with your ex. Sorry, but that's odd and very inappropriate for a guy looking for a life partner. From someone else looking into your situation, it already looks like you have one. Your ex cooks, cleans, pays half the rent... that's what girlfriends becoming wife does.

I'm glad you're going to do something about this situation. Its going to help you grow with your new girlfriend and allow your ex to move on and find someone she can be with as well.

Good Luck

Let us know how things work for you, and good luck.

It is beneficial to keep this thread open in order for you to come back and also let us know how things are going, or if you need any more advice.

Take care and Best of luck with everything.

Joe

Well...

Ive discussed the situation with my ex, and we've explored the options and she's happy to go if I want her too. As to when, well obviously two people can't find a place right away and we require a minimum two months notice to our landlord. But at least she didn't take the news badly, so that's good.

Second good news is I haven't seen my GF for a week or so. I felt like she needed some time away from me (not a break, just some alone time). It seems to have done well, all the romance still seems to be there and we realise we miss each other... that's good too.

We spent some time talking on the phone and it didn't seem tense. We both know we love each other and it looks like she is trying to be positive. I've asked her if she has another concern to come and speak to me if she would like...

Maybe the rules will be enough for her? I agree the situation with me still living there for the moment isn't ideal for her, but hopefuly when she sees that I am making steps, this will make her feel more secure.

I totally agree with your advice. The situation is wrong, very wrong. It's going to take a little more sorting, and moving out arrangements etc, but I will get there eventually. Not sure on the timing of things just yet, I think I am waiting to see if what we agreed to is enough for my GF, and if I can wait until the end of my tenancy, of if she would rather I move out as quick as possible. It looks like she might be patient, but we haven't discussed anything like this yet... we are trying to talk about positive things at the moment.

I think we both know there is a little tension but continuously talking about it won't help at this point - we have made the changes required in my friendship and we are coming out of the tension caused by the bizarre situation. Once it's clear and she seems happy I will ask her what her opinion is and we can talk from there...

Early indications s it looks good...

Good for you!
I hope things work out for all of you.
Good job!

Maybe all you needed was a little support in making this big change in your life.

Your ex is being very mature and accepting, which will make it easier for everyone.

Good for you for having enough respect for your girlfriend to give her the space she needs. I'm sure she will be impressed with the steps you are taking- not just for you and her, but for yourself as well. That it will take time for the move to take place is a small sacrifice for her to make in the meanwhile.

All the best of luck to you in your future.

I had suspected that as soon as I found out that my ex still loved me I knew I would have to go, or she would, I didn't want any conflicting interests.

Deep down I knew the situation was wrong - it somehow didn't feel right. Perhaps I was selfish in my feelings, still wanting what is considered by most to be 'more than a friendship' - even if that isn't how I defined it I've come to understand that since my ex's friendship is based on love, my definition is moot to an outside observer such as you guys/gals and my GF, and understandably so.

Your right - I think I needed a point of view outside of my circle to confirm that what I was allowing was just plain ridiculous.

Why I couldn't come up with that conclusion without advice is beyond me, but I will always remember that a kick up the a*se is still a step forward. Maybe I was worried that a relationship still in it's youth as ours is shouldn't be changing my life in such a serious way, but if it has hope (and that IS the indication) of blossoming into a mature relationship, then things needed to change. Even if me and my GF don't work out down the line for whatever reason, the situation would annoy any partner in the future.

Thanks for kicking my butt people :)