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Leaving An Abusive Relationship | Safety for Abused and Battered Women

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Psychological and emotional battering, through verbal abuse, accompanies physical battering. It kills your spirit. It cripples your self-esteem and your sense of self-worth. In many ways, this type of abuse does far more damage and long-term devastation than do physical blows. Unfortunately, with this type of abuse, it can't be recognized as easily as a black eye, a bruise or a broken bone... and it almost always occurs behind closed doors.

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Originally Posted by J_9

How old are you hung? Do you have any training and background in abuse? I do. This is a volatile situation to say the least. She needs to get out now before it gets worse.

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I've been there and seen enough to know that verbally abusive does not necessarily lead to physical abuse. I know there are couples out there that argue all the time, one of them is my friend and sometime can be verbally abusive but the worse that can happen is they end the relationship because they can't take it anymore. Is he like that in all relationships? Of course not. Anyone can be verbally abusive if they are push to the limit. Does that mean they are going to hit someone? Maybe, maybe not.


I know you are an expert in what you do but are experts right 100% of the time? Of course not.

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Originally Posted by hungtoronto

I know you are an expert in what you do but are experts right 100% of the time? Of course not.

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Heck, No. Experts are not right 100% of the time. And I'll be the first to admit that I am not always right. Heck, I make mistakes all the time!

However, with my background and training, I can tell you that this situation is very volatile. It's like waving a match over gasoline.

This is an explosion waiting to happen.

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Originally Posted by hungtoronto

I've been there and seen enough to know that verbally abusive does not necessarily lead to physical abuse. I know there are couples out there that argue all the time, one of them is my friend and sometime can be verbally abusive but the worse that can happen is they end the relationship because they can't take it anymore. Is he like that in all relationships? Of course not. Anyone can be verbally abusive if they are push to the limit. Does that mean they are going to hit someone? Maybe, maybe not.


I know you are an expert in what you do but are experts right 100% of the time? Of course not.

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And there you have the difference. This guy is NOT being pushed. He is emotionally and verbally abusive WITHOUT PROVOCATION! He attacks and controls her to the point where she is afraid to talk to people because he might take it as flirting. He has isolated her from her friends. He monitors and controls her every move and moment. It's all those COMBINED with the unprovoked arguing that send up the red flags.

You need to stop focusing on one fact and look at the ENTIRE picture. She is in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with a very controlling and jealous individual. If she confronts him, he WILL attack. While that attack may not be physical, there's a very good chance that it will be. It's not a chance worth taking.

Would you be able to live with the guilt of knowing that taking your advice got her physically injured, if not hospitalized? no. in cases like this, it's ALWAYS better to assume that he may take the next step into being physically violent. The consequences of ignoring that possibility are too great, and will be an innocent person that will have to live (or possibly, die) with them, not us.



j, do you know how to find a link to j-lo's thread from several months ago? Maybe reading her story will help put this one into perspective for hung.

Edit: I found her original thread, but the one where her friend told us what had happened seems to be gone.

I beg to differ with you HUNG . J-9 knows about what she is saying so don't knock the experts. TRS22 Let me tell you what will happen next!The emotional abuse is worse sometimes than physical abuse. When he snaps it will turn physical and I pray to God you leave before there are children.


After the first slap or and the first black eye or busted lip he'll cry and say how sorry he is. You'll forgive and then it will happen again. He will alienate you from your friends and you'll learn his mood by the way he drives in the driveway.
Then comes the worst part... walking on eggshells cause you're afraid you might set him off.

God help you if you're not like a servant.. fixing his plate and taking off his boots. You have learned not to fight back, it only makes it worse.
Different ER's using different names so the Dr. won't make the connection. You are two-thousand miles from home and you know your stuck.

Finally you have a child and one night he is drinking and starts screaming at a tiny sick baby. That's when you find the strength to fight back and leave. Yes he was in the Military at the time. That was many,many years ago and I wouldn't wish that MISERABLE, LIVING, HELL on my worst enemy.

You get out and get out fast.:mad:

To Hung.. have you ever been beaten? Have you ever had to run out of your house
Ihe middle of the night with a broken rib and a mouth so swollen you couldn't eat?

You are being verbally and emotionally abused.

Don't wait around for it to escalate into physical abuse,as it most likely will.


Walk away.

That's your opinion,which I completely disagree with.

All the red flags are there,the next step may well be a push,a slap or worse.

Even if this were not to happen,nobody should stay in a relationship where they are being emotionally and verbally abused.

And that is what he is doing.

They are not having 'normal' arguments or heated discussions,he is using his anger to control her.

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Originally Posted by hungtoronto

This guys got a lot going for him and she doesn't as she stated. Why would he beat her up and cause all the trouble while he can just end the relationship and move on. I agree that he's a control freak but it's because they are not compatible. Like I said, anyone can get verbally abusive if they are push to the limit. In this case he's not happy with what she do for him. The worse that can happen is they will end the relationship.


She's more worry about him leaving her than the physical abusing part which you don't know if it will happened.


I am not knocking the expert. I am sure you are good at what you do but you're not a mind reader. What she wrote is one thing but you don't even know the guy and some people are not capable of raising their hand on someone.

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Guys like him are everywhere. You don't have to push a bully to the limit.. because that's what abusers are.. bullies. They look for someone who is vulnerable and they absolutely push them to the limit. They are intimidated by a woman who talks back. Therefore they start the verbal abuse, telling how incompetent she is at everything. Then slow
They take away your self-confidence and freedom. Hiding or taking the car keys.
The emotional abuse is worse, cause it leaves scars inside and it takes
You years to get it back. So Hung you have given me a Reddie for telling the truth... Well let me tell you this.. You say she's afraid he's going to leave her.. THAT IS PART OF IT! They make you feel as though you can't live without them and you are so brainwashed even when you leave them, after all the abuse.. when you finally come home, far away from him.. he still leaves you wondering ,did I do the right thing!

Don't you dare tell this girl she isn't in danger... she is!

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

Guys like him are everywhere. You don't have to push a bully to the limit..because that's what abusers are..bullies. They look for someone who is vulnerable and they absolutely push them to the limit. They are intimidated by a woman who talks back. Therefore they start the verbal abuse, telling how incompetent she is at everything. Then slow
they take away your self-confidence and freedom. Hiding or taking the car keys.
The emotional abuse is worse, cause it leaves scars inside and it takes
you years to get it back. So Hung you have given me a Reddie for telling the truth...Well let me tell you this..You say she's afraid he's going to leave her..THAT IS PART OF IT! They make you feel as though you can't live without them and you are so brainwashed even when you leave them, after all the abuse..when you finally come home, far away from him..he still leaves you wondering ,did I do the right thing!

Don't you dare tell this girl she isn't in danger...she is!

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I have to spread the love Kity. This girl IS in danger. The physical abuse may not start this week, or next month, but the potential is there.

While I speak from education, you speak from experience. There is nothing better than experience.

... and you have all successfully just wasted two pages of not even addressing her original question. It is pretty clear she is not emotionally prepared to leave, so instead of bickering over attempting to read the future ans acting as though you KNOW what his next actions are going to be, why don't you spend that time and energy addressing the op's original question. You are all jumping to conclusions and your arguments are as factual as calling a red apple, green. He is controlling but is not abusive and has shown no signs of even considering to bw physical. You need to quit stereotyping just because he is military... no matter what angle you view this from or how you trained you are in this area... in no area of expertise is stereotyping and assuming acceptable.

We aren't stereotyping because he is military. I live in a military town and know very few men like this. Actually, most men I do know that are like this come from a variety of backgrounds.

We are just warning her of what her future may be. It's obvious she is not happy now, we need to let her know that this behavior is not going to change.

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Originally Posted by trs22

We argue almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. He tends to bring up past arguments over and over again, and gets mad about the littlest things. Tells me to stop talking, always tells me I'm not right for him if i can't make the changes he wants me to make ( like i'm not allowed to hang out with anyone without first telling him who and where. and there better not be guys there. Also I'm not allowed to hang out with my gay best friend who i have known for 10 years because he is a guy...) I am an untrustworthy attention starved little girl. He really hurts me, and I try to tell him in the most tender way, "you're hurting me. I made a frozen pizza one night and accidentally burned it and he was so mad at me. I immediately went to the store and bought a new one and made it, and he did apologize.

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Well that in a nut shell in her own words. I highlighted some of the red flags. She is in an abusive relationship. Emotional abuse can be more harmful then physical, but all these red flags point to physical abuse down the road, or even physical abuse that has already happened but was not talked about yet.

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Originally Posted by thadevilsadvocate

....and you have all successfully just wasted two pages of not even addressing her original question. It is pretty clear she is not emotionally prepared to leave, so instead of bickering over attempting to read the future ans acting as though you KNOW what his next actions are going to be, why dont you spend that time and energy addressing the op's original question. you are all jumping to conclusions and your arguments are as factual as calling a red apple, green. he is controlling but is not abusive and has shown no signs of even considering to bw physical. you need to quit stereotyping just because he is military....no matter what angle you view this from or how you trained you are in this area.....in no area of expertise is stereotyping and assuming acceptable.

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I know what happens next... All the signs are there... I'm trained in nothing. I was married to a guy who could be the carbon copy of this guy. He left scars on my body and inside my heart that took years to heal.

You can disagree if you wish but ALL THE SIGNs are there. I'm no expert
I just know what it's like to be scared to to do anything when he said not too. No calling home.. it cost too much... no friends.. he was in the Military and didn't want his reputation as a wife beater to be known. Beer poured in my face and eyes black.

When I finally got up the courage to leave, I walked through one of the biggest airports in the U.S carrying my child and a purse without a red cent in it. My dad had prepaid a ticket for me to get home. I looked like a war victim and people helped me with my luggage . So don't say what you don't know. I DO know, but all the red flags point to this girls life
Being in danger. I've already got one reddie today so give
Me another.

If I help this girl get away from that man.. it'll be worth a thousand reddies.

... then the advice you giving her, in regarsa to considering leaving him should be based solely on the likelihood that his issues with being verbally abusive may never change... we have evidence that he is verbally abusive and can support our reasoning with that information... regardless of being trained to kill, if being military had anything to do with the likelihood of being physically abusive. Then we wouldn't have too many military men left in the military.

SO perhaps she should consider leaving because he is verbally abusive. And that advice is just... but to attempt to advise her beyond that. Would be unjust and elementary.

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Originally Posted by thadevilsadvocate

...then the advice you giving her, in regarsa to considering leaving him should be based solely on the likelihood that his issues with being verbally abusive may never change.......we have evidence that he is verbally abusive and can support our reasoning with that information.....regardless of being trained to kill, if being military had anything to do with the likelihood of being physically abusive. then we wouldnt have too many military men left in the military.

SO perhaps she should consider leaving because he is verbally abusive. and that advice is just.....but to attempt to advise her beyond that. would be unjust and elementary.

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I don't agree... I think any advice to leave a control freak who dominates her and emotionally and verbally abuses her is good enough reason to LEAVE. It WILL ESCULATE... I'D BET THE FARM ON IT! Are you a therapist?

To the OP...

Do you see your relationship here? The Cycle of Abuse | Domestic Violence Wheel | Emotionally Battered Women

What about here?

Signs of An Abused Woman | Battered Women | Emotional, Psychological and Mental Abuse

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Anytime you are in a relationship with someone who insults you, criticizes you, keeps you away from your friends, you are afraid to talk to him and you still think he is wonderful, you are a victim of abuse.

He probably has not hit her because she backs down, she does not confront him. He can control her with words right now. I would bet anything that the moment she does speak up, he will get physical with her.

I would not advise anyone to stay in a relationship where they are treated so poorly. This not a matter of someone who may be a bit critical and does not know it, this man is cruel and controlling and she needs to know she is being abused. This man is not going to be tender (except maybe after the first time he punches her out, then he will say he's sorry)
She needs a support group and she needs to leave before he completely destroys her.

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Originally Posted by thadevilsadvocate

...then the advice you giving her, in regarsa to considering leaving him should be based solely on the likelihood that his issues with being verbally abusive may never change.......we have evidence that he is verbally abusive and can support our reasoning with that information.....regardless of being trained to kill, if being military had anything to do with the likelihood of being physically abusive. then we wouldnt have too many military men left in the military.

SO perhaps she should consider leaving because he is verbally abusive. and that advice is just.....but to attempt to advise her beyond that. would be unjust and elementary.

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I think and this an opinion only, that you are full of it. You and Hung apparently hate woman if you are men. If your're both woman God help us all.because you are probably being abused. Get a clue and visit a woman's shelter. You like to use your big words to try and prove how smart you are.. You are far from smart!:mad: If you are a man perhaps the wife or girlfriend left you for being abusive. My opinion.. :mad:

I think all anyone has to do is read what this young lady wrote. The abuse is so obvious. He uses words to controls her.
To advise her to sit down and talk to him is dangerous. The minute she stands up to him, says something against his treatment of her, he will in all likely hood hit her. She will not confront him because she is afraid of him and she feels unworthy of an opinion.

Any woman who has been abused or knows one who has been abused recognizes the signs, and that are all over this young lady's post.