Ask Me Help Desk - Possessive boyfriend

To hheath541,
I'm 18 this year. I'm sorry but my language do sucks. But I hope my writing is at least understandable for you all.

I have read the web site that you have given.
Yes, the signs that I'm in an abusive relationship are all describing what I've gone through.
He also accused me of having an affair with someone else and complained that I'm flirting when I'm merely chatting with friends in certain games.
Sometimes when I go out with friends, he said that I am having fun myself and leave him alone at home.
I didn't know that the problem is so serious till recently I started to do some research on it.
I read other people problems and opinions. Some people said that it's a sign that your partner loves you too much.
Certain articles said that people always mistaken possessive as love.
My boyfriend always says that nobody in the world will love and care for me like he does. He says that I can never find such a good boyfriend like him.
I don't know. It's hard to let go. I mean, what if he truly loves me? Will I let such a guy disappear in my life?

And as for my family. They don't know anything about it. When we broke up earlier because he hit and slapped me, I didn't tell my parents. I hid my bruises and just pretended nothing happened. I don't want them to worry.
My parents knew that we broke up when he visited my house the next day. He told them.
My mom asked me why, I just said that he didn't allow me to go out with my friends, I have no freedom with him.
However, my mom thinks that it's my problem. She said that he is just caring for me. My mom always see him as a decent boyfriend because he sends me home everyday without fail. Even when he is sick or it's getting late.
Whenever we quarrel, my mom thinks that it's my temper causing all the problems.
My father didn't ask anything. He knows that I wouldn't speak a word about my problems.

Recently, a very good friend of mine asked me about my problems with him. I didn't have the courage to tell him.
Everyone sees me as a happy person and I really do not want to spoil that image.

Its sad that your family isn't supportive.

You really do need to find someone to talk to.

And you must leave this abusive relationship.

Its not love,this kind of person is not capable of love.

Its all about control and power.

He hits you.

That says it all.

You must walk away.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Member10

My boyfriend always says that nobody in the world will love and care for me like he does. He says that I can never find such a good boyfriend like him.

That is a typical tactic used by abusers. They convince you, and themselves, that they're doing everything out of love and that no one could possibly treat you better.

If that fails, then the move onto the old stand by. 'I'm doing this for your own good.' they convince you that you're a bad person who NEEDS to be punished to be kept in line and out of trouble.

Quote:

I don't know. It's hard to let go. I mean, what if he truly loves me? Will I let such a guy disappear in my life?

A guy who accuses you of the most horrible things, calls you a dirty whore, hits you, and controls every aspect of your life? That is NOT love. In any form. The sooner you get away from him, the sooner you can begin to understand and believe that again.

Quote:

And as for my family. They don't know anything about it. When we broke up earlier because he hit and slapped me, I didn't tell my parents. I hid my bruises and just pretended nothing happened. I don't want them to worry.
My parents knew that we broke up when he visited my house the next day. He told them.
My mom asked me why, I just said that he didn't allow me to go out with my friends, I have no freedom with him.
However, my mom thinks that it's my problem. She said that he is just caring for me. My mom always see him as a decent boyfriend because he sends me home everyday without fail. Even when he is sick or it's getting late.
Whenever we quarrel, my mom thinks that it's my temper causing all the problems.
My father didn't ask anything. He knows that I wouldn't speak a word about my problems.

That's very typical. The average abuser is charming and charismatic and just generally like-able I public. They are the masters of deception. They develop ways to hide their true nature so they can draw people in and not get caught.

Think about it. Do you think an abuser would ever make it to that point if they approached every situation with angry yelling, threats, accusations, and violence? no. they find their victims by charming them, drawing them in, then manipulating them into staying. They have an uncanny ability to know exactly what people need to hear and when they need to hear it. They can judge a person in an instant, which is how they find their victims.

I'm guessing you were quiet, shy, and kind of awkward before you started dating him. It was obvious that you had a circle of friends you talked to, but you didn't go out of your way to talk to other people. You care deeply about your friends, and probably spent a lot of your time looking out for them and listening to their problems and offering advice. You probably don't have any obvious passions, like art or music, just a few hobbies here and there. You've led a sheltered and quiet life. You're family isn't bad, but you're not extremely close.

That's the most common type that abusers pick out.

The other type is the tortured soul. Those people already hate themselves, feel rejected by everyone, have a history of at least one type of abuse, and will cling to anyone willing to offer even the smallest token of affection.

He'll be really good at hiding his true colors from people. His closest friends may not even know what he's like. His parents probably have an idea, since the abilities needed by abusers are developed and honed during childhood, but won't admit the whole truth to themselves. Either he learned by watching his father, or he treats them much the same way he treats you.

You're parents will never know what he's really like until you TRULY break up with him. When that happens, they will see an ugly side of him that even you haven't met, yet. He will show up and call and do anything else he thinks might get to you. He'll go from begging, to demanding, to threatening, to apologizing, then start over.

You need to tell your parents what's going on. If you don't, then he'll get to them and do his best to convince them to let him see you. The last thing you want is to come home and find him sitting on your couch.

They may not believe you at first. No one likes to think that something like this can hide right under their nose for so long and they never noticed. They'll accuse you of overreacting and blowing things out of proportion. They may even accuse you of lying. You'll need to tell them the worst details, ESPECIALLY that he hit you so hard it left bruises, to get them to understand.

Quote:

Recently, a very good friend of mine asked me about my problems with him. I didn't have the courage to tell him.
Everyone sees me as a happy person and I really do not want to spoil that image.

You'll need to get over that. You're going to need as much support as you can get to get through leaving him. No matter what, you DO need to leave him.

My mother was in an abusive relationship for a few years. He would scream at her and hit her and had her convinced it was her fault and she deserved it. She wasn't allowed to go anywhere or do anything. He went through the mail to make sure she wasn't sending letters to anyone. If she was on the phone, he was listening in. she wasn't even allowed to shower on her own. He took the bathroom door off the hinges the one time she tried. For more than two years, she had NO contact with her family or friends.

When she left him, she was on her own. I was an infant, and she was pregnant with my brother. She ended up staying in the battered women's shelter until she could convince her parents to take her in. they blamed her for staying, not him for his actions. She moved to another county, got a new job, and filed for divorce in a newspaper ad (she had to run the ad in the local paper to show that she'd 'tried' to contact him for the divorce before the judge would grant it as 'no contest').

Several years later, he tracked us down and tried to ruin our lives. He claimed that she had cheated on him and that neither of us were his children. The state took away the child support we'd been getting (which was our only source of income at the time). It took months of sorting out before they figured out that he had shown up to the welfare office with a tall blond woman, that was definitely NOT my short brunette mother, who claimed to be our mother and who said that we weren't his children.

Thankfully, he didn't know where we lived. He was only able to find out what county we were in. my mom STILL doesn't let her phone number be listed in the phone book. If it had been, then I have very little doubt that he would've shown up to our door to confront, and probably attack, her.

Don't let yourself become another statistic of the battered girlfriend/wife who wears make up and long sleeves to cover the bruises and is always 'running into doors' and 'falling down stairs.' don't allow yourself to be put in the situation where you have a child that ties you to him forever, and that he can use against you. He WILL end up hitting that child, probably before it's old enough to hit back or tell anyone what happened.

Don't wait any longer to leave him. You live at home, so you don't have to worry about being homeless. You have friends that still care about you, which means they're people who will be in your life for a long time to come.

Hell, I'd let you stay with me if you needed to. No one should be in the situation you're in. people that find themselves there, deserve nothing but help and understanding from wherever they can get it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Member10

My boyfriend always says that nobody in the world will love and care for me like he does. He says that I can never find such a good boyfriend like him.
I don't know. It's hard to let go. I mean, what if he truly loves me? Will I let such a guy disappear in my life?

OK OK OK you're looking at this wrong member. You need to be looking at it in the opposite light. Possesivness is confused for love, not the other way around.

And there I would like to say, a truly good and loving boyfriend knows that you are a catch and that he could be beaten out for your heart. This is why he is suppose to strive hard to keep you loving him. He isn't the best guy in the world, if that's the case and he is the best guy in the world, I guess I am from a different planet. I don't do anything like this to my girl. She is free to do as she pleases and she knows I respect her above all else. I love her with all my heart and I am happy that she has chosen me to spend the rest of her life with. I strive every day to make sure she does not regret that decision.

It would be far easier for her to jump to another man than me to another woman. She deserves a higher class boyfriend than I and I know I don't deserve her. That is how a good boyfriend looks at his relationship in my opinion.

Sorry hheath, I meant man on my agreement to you not M. But good post either way.

Your mother sure had a hard life. Sincerely thank you for your opinions.

Yes, I don't have any obvious passion. But I'm not a quiet and shy person. However, after I got together with him, I can't seem to socialize anymore.

My boyfriend actually had quite a hard time wooing me. I rejected him countless times. I scolded him and flared at him whenever he texted me. I told my friends how disgusting he could be.
I don't know why but I don't believe in guys. But after a year, I somehow got touched by him and got together with him. It wasn't easy for us to get together. And at that point of time, I really believed that he truly loves me and will treat me better than anyone else.

After a year since we got together, he complained that I am not doing enough for him. He said that he have been treating me like a princess and I've been treating him like a dog for the past 1 year. It's time to change roles. So, now he wants me to listen to everything he says, obey every rules he gives.

I have no friends in school since I'm stuck to him for the whole of last year. I don't know how my life is going to be alone in school.
School started on Monday and I haven't attended any lessons.

It would be hard to really have a clean break up with him since we are in the same school, same class, attending the same course.

I don't know but I think I will try to break up with him.

Get away from this guy. Get away s fast as you can. The abuse won't stop. Once he knows you'll take it it will get worse. Please, please, get away!

EXTREME Harshness warning

The problem with "first serious relationship" is that you can't always see the signs of when a relationship is no longer functional. Many of us have been through similar situations and we can tell you from experience that an unhappy relationship with no progress is bound for failure.

I think that much of your fear comes from the fact that you're afraid that you won't meet anyone else. News flash, there are 6 billion other people in the world. I'm sure that you will be able to find someone else to be happy with.

However, before you start jumping on the rebound train, you seem to have a lot of personal issues to deal with. The best thing for you at this point in your life is to get your own life together. Work on school, selt-esteem, building a better personal and social life.

Once you're more comfortable and happy with yourself, then you will be in a better position to share that happiness with someone else. Sticking with your boyfriend is like beating a dead horse. You have no breathing room to improve yourself because you are being suffocated.

Do yourself a favor and make it a clear break so that you can pick yourself up.

Quote:

Work on school, selt-esteem, building a better personal and social life.

Yes, I think I really need that.
Life ahead seems to be tough.

But I'm afraid that I'll just forget about every sadness that I've once I see him in front of me.
It always happen :(

That's because you are alone in this. If you had support that would help a lot. So I guess at this point, you have to tell someone you trust, what the truth of the matter is.

There is no shame in getting help to overcome a huge obstacle.

Would it be possible for you to switch classes so you don't have to see him? The administration might be understanding if you tell them that you're in an abusive relationship with him and won't feel safe seeing him every day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hheath541

would it be possible for you to switch classes so you don't have to see him? the administration might be understanding if you tell them that you're in an abusive relationship with him and won't feel safe seeing him every day.

Heath is right, Try to to switch classes. It's good advice.:)

All right. I'll try.
Thanks for all opinions! I'm really grateful!

Please do it.
Then stay strong.

Come back here whenever you need to.

Best of luck and take care.

Oh my god... I read your problem as it is about me.. I have exactly the same situations... my boyfriend also didn't allow me to dress like I wanted, to wear skirts, high heels etc... even to have make-up... he said that just prostitutes behave in such way... dated quite longer that you... we had relationships on a very long distance... I was sure about him that he didn't cheat me... now I finally decided to broke with him.. but he still tries to contact me.. and he may even arrive to me... it is another country... I am so mad with him... from the beginning it was like fairy-tale... roses, gifts, compliments... everything... but I don't to lose my health and nerves with him... I can imagine what would be if I we would marry... no personal space... no freedom... no friends... like dog in a cage... I thought I was only the one with such a problem... but we will have very big experience.. we girls are very kind... after that I became very feminist... I wish you to meet really good guy who will see you as a queen and will no limit yr personal space... btw.. how old are u? I'm 17...

I am in exactly the same position.. my boyfriend has a serious anger problem.. we have been together for nearly 2years.. the first 6month was amazing... I couldn't have asked for anyone as amazing... as affectionate.. as loving as him.. as kind as him.. but after that it started as small things.. and still is small things we argue about and he gets so angry its unbelievable.. for instance.. he hit me a lot once because id forgot to put his work clothes in the washing machine.. id reminded him the night before but somehow it was still all my fault.. dont get me wrong I fought back.. but that's not the point.. im in the same position as I love him that much I don't know what to do.. I mean don't get me wrong I have friends I can go and stay with but for some reason I can't seem to leave him.. why is that? And I bet you feel the same.. I would do anything for him but its not reciprocated.. I get called fat.. ugly.. prostitute.. when we argue and that's not the half of it.. the only time he seems to love me is when he has took cocaine.. which mostly I pay for so I can feel that love from him.. but its not real.. and even thought I know that I still can't seem to leave him for good and I don't know wy.. maybe hearing all this from someone in your situation will help you leave him.. I know I should leave the relationship I am in.. yet.. for some reason I can't seem to.. even though I know I should.. my problem is.. that because of how he was in the beginning I think he can get back to that and even though deep down I know he can't for some reason I cling on to the hope that he can.. I have tried everything.. I constantly walk on eggshells.. im frightened to annoy him in case it blows up into something it shouldn't be.. which it shouldn't because its pointless... I can't offer you any advice on how to deal with the situation as I am in the same one and don't know what to do myself.. however I just wanted you to know your not the only one in this kind of relationship that wishes it was different and could be changed.. I just want you to know your not alone.. xx