Ask Me Help Desk - Discussion topic: No Contact Rule

Well I won't say I've had "success" in getting back with a partner by doing the "no contact thing." In my bachelor years, after feeling like I'd been jilted it was always in my nature to do no contact at all whatsoever, even going to the point of turning my head and pretending I didn't see if we should happen to run into each other in public. This wasn't necessarily so much to let myself heal or because I thought it would possibly win them back but because of my wounded pride, coupled with a grudge that I'd hold against her for hurting me. Later in my life, as I began to develop a more healthy outlook, I'd find myself being the one to do the breaking up or adopting a "good riddance" attitude when she'd break up with me. At this point, I found that, although I'd continue the "no contact" thing, but now out of indifference rather than pride, these people had a way of trying to crawl back into my life as they'd call me many weeks or months after I'd last seen or spoken with them. It never resulted in a relationship being rekindled but I found it very interesting that, when I least expected it, there they'd be whether I wanted them in my life or not. So yes, I'm a firm believer that no contact works better than anything else.

I have never had an ex come back to me after no contact. I had an ex come back once I did not want him. He was a cheater and a waste of space and I had met someone else by then.

I did no contact for 3 months with my latest ex. I then emailed him last week, got a cheery reply, but didn't come to anything much. I guess with no contact or with contact, I wouldn't get this guy back. I have gone back to no contact for my own sake. I guess time can only tell with these things. Contacting the person only really results in setting yourself up for another fall.

I would say it might happen to some people, but I haven't been lucky so far.

I've had success in the past with keeping kind of contact in a light way.With my first boyfriend he ended it but secretly I was also fed up so I was kind of relieved about it . So the fact that I said that's OK, and didn't contact until he contacted me ,then I moved country and we sent emails here and there to each other but never mentioned the relationship, and 1 year later he was talking about how he messed up and missed me and wondering if he could get a job here, so I told him there was no jobs here in his area ;-) anyhow he still emails happy birthday every year and now he has 2 kids.

Been in NC for almost 2 months with my ex. Been hard, but I haven't called her nor texted her. I sent one email a week after she left, but she never replied. Oh well. Kind of sad how she flaked on me after she professed how much she was in love with me. I've become a wiser person since, if not a little more grounded in reality when it comes to women.

In the end, it's her loss, and my gain!

YAY FOR ME!! :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlazingCold

Been in NC for almost 2 months with my ex. Been hard, but I haven't called her nor texted her. I sent one email a week after she left, but she never replied. Oh well. Kinda sad how she flaked on me after she professed how much she was in love with me. I've become a wiser person since, if not a little more grounded in reality when it comes to women.

In the end, it's her loss, and my gain!

YAY FOR ME!!! :)

That's the whole point, and I'm glad your getting there. Once we see how we have been so overly dependent on others to make us happy, we can move ahead and be healthier wiser people in our relationships and our lives. No Contact is just away to move from the fantasy world we built, and move to reality.

YAY FOR YOU:D

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

No Contact is just away to move from the fantasy world we built, and move to reality.

I do understand this concept, but I do plan on making contact with someone who means a lot to me. We broke up in November and her birthday is in April. This would be 5 months away from her, but I had no input into the timing. Her birthday gives me a good opportunity to send her a B.D. card and an inexpensive thoughtful gift that I know she will appreciate.

... but what do you say in the card? Just a "Hi thinking of you" or something more romantic? How do you leave the door open for her to walk through of her own will. :confused:

If she does not then that is that, but I want to make sure I give this EVERY chance of success.

Move over Chuff LOL (may I have a franchise please?)

Quote:

Originally Posted by everhopeful

I do understand this concept, but I do plan on making contact with someone who means a lot to me. We broke up in November and her birthday is in April. This would be 5 months away from her, but I had no input into the timing. Her birthday gives me a good opportunity to send her a B.D. card and an inexpensive thoughtful gift that I know she will appreciate.

Forgive me but I don't think you understand it like some of us do. There is really no telling if she'll appreciate the gift. If I left you and you did this to me, I would be put off a bit by the gift and would see it more like a grappling hook instead of a kind gesture. I don't like being manipulated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by everhopeful

...but what do you say in the card? Just a "Hi thinking of you" or something more romantic? How do you leave the door open for her to walk through of her own will. :confused:

The truth is that door is always open (for anyone) and needs nothing from you (or anyone) to make it so.

Quote:

Originally Posted by everhopeful

If she does not then that is that, but I want to make sure I give this EVERY chance of success.

This gets to be like an addiction almost! And after this one doesn't work... will you then tell yourself, "oh well that wasn't IT, let's try another?"

I don't mean to pick your thinking apart here dude, but rather hope to offer a sense of the practical as a no-strings attached gift to you.

(thanks Chuff)

No contact is essential for healing and becoming healthy. I have not had any contact for 4 months and I would not be where I am now if I was in contact. Not that there is no pain because there is but time can make the world of difference. It also gives you a chance to reflect on the things that were not good about the relationship too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

No contact is essential for healing and becoming healthy. I have not had any contact for 4 months and I would not be where I am now if I was in contact. Not that there is no pain because there is but time can make the world of difference. It also gives you a chance to reflect on the things that were not good about the relationship too.

And are you using it as a ploy to get her back? Absolutely NOT!

If you were, you would still be (secretly or ortherwise) holding out for the relationship and there would be:
1. No healling
2. No moving forward
3. No improvement
4. No decrease in pain
5. And a deterioration of yourself esteem as time ticked by, lovely!

Come on people, this isn't rocket science! Don't buy into that bull! :rolleyes:

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Move over Chuff LOL (may I have a franchise please?)
This gets to be like an addiction almost! And after this one doesn't work... will you then tell yourself, "oh well that wasn't IT, let's try another?"

As previously stated, if this does not work then that is that. I walk away and look elsewhere. If there is no room to maneuver on her side then nothing will work. I may not agree with the decision, but I certainly would respect it...

However, if there is then a card and gift may re-kindle things. I would not be doing this if she were just an average girlfriend. She is worth the effort...

I've officially started my no contact thing on feb 8!! Yea go me :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by everhopeful

As previously stated, if this does not work then that is that. I walk away and look elsewhere. If there is no room to maneuver on her side then nothing will work. I may not agree with the decision, but I certainly would respect it...

However, if there is then a card and gift may re-kindle things. I would not be doing this if she were just an average gf. She is worth the effort...

That's certainly a plan. Please just bear in mind that if you do rekindle, whatever it was that broke it up is still there and it will have to be dealt with while you attempt to put the relationship back together too -- a VERY tall order and the reason why this almost never works out in the long run. Ask anyone who has done that.

And just for the record on some level, we are all "worth it". For me, it doesn't justify trying again after its ended but each to their own. It only means you were probably the one who got left and/or you've never left and don't know what that is like. People who do the leaving tend to think differently than that about their ex-partners.

Read this somewhere:

No Contact Q&A
By Caliguy

Q. What is no contact.
A. No contact is just that. It's breaking all ties to your ex.

Q. What is no contact for?
A. No contact is meant as the most quick means for you to heal.

Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back?
A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life you are in for a rude awakening.

Q. What should I be doing to implement NC?
A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex. That means no calls, emails, text/sms, IM's - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach.

Q. What should I be doing during NC?
A. First off, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. You need to grieve a loss, but don't dwell on it. Hang out with your friends, immerse yourself in a new hobby and start working out. Working out is especially useful because not only does it release endorphins which help make you feel better but you'll start looking your best which will help you attract someone new. If you need Counseling, by all means go.

Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her.
A. Unfortunately you already have. Clinging on to them or the hope you'll get them back will only keep you down longer. Additionally, the natural reaction of any Ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. If you do have any chance of a reconciliation, your best bet is to leave them alone and forget about them.

Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?
A. No, not if you are still in love with them. For the most part Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being #2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string. All it will do is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, be good buddies with your ex.

Q. I can't resist the urge to contact my ex! What should I do?
A. If you've deleted all their contact info yet still remember how to reach them, call a friend instead. Go work out. Take a bike ride. Go for a jog. Do something to occupy your mind. Get out, don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Rest assured they are not sitting around with their new love wondering why you aren't calling them.

Q. How long should I wait to contact my ex.
A. Never be the first to contact your ex. If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, don't beg them to take you back. Just be very polite and business-like. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Additionally the best way to make someone see they're being an a**hole is to not be one in retaliation. Let them vent and just be quiet. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose.

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?
A. The question is why are they contacting you? If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them. No need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree with me on this, but I'm a skeptic. I want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.

Q. What happens if I break NC?
A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start all over. Don't believe me? Read through some of the 'I broke NC' threads. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are. As "No Foolin" says, you can't handle what they have to say.

Q. What if I see them in public?
A. Read No Foolin's thread on NC (in my signature file). Bottom line, avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. You're doing great without them, even if you aren't.

Q. What if my Ex never contacts me?
A. Then it was never meant to be. Consider yourself lucky and smart enough to realize the sooner you implemented NC and got on with your life the sooner you can meet the right person for you. That's really what this whole no contact deal is all about.

Realize that none of us are immune to heartbreak. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us that we carry on to the next relationship. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. That's what NC does. It allows you to reflect on your past mistakes and grow as a person. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next.

Men say women are like buses, there is always another one coming around the corner. It's the same for women too. There will be someone else, I guarantee you that. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, healed yourself up, improved where you can and have imbedded the lessons of your past the better off you'll be for someone else.

Above all, never tell yourself "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, blah blah blah." That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. You just have to be happy with who you are. Be the best you you can be.

Every step forward you make is one step closer to meeting the person of your dreams. It will likely happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. The power you give to your Ex every moment you spend thinking about them, wishing they would call or clinging on to them. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. To accept what has happened. To let go compeltely.

To be free to love again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

And are you using it as a ploy to get her back? Absolutely NOT!

If you were, you would still be (secretly or ortherwise) holding out for the relationship and there would be:
1. No healling
2. No moving forward
3. No improvement
4. No decrease in pain
5. And a deterioration of your self esteem as time ticked by, lovely!

Come on people, this isn't rocket science! Don't buy into that bull!! :rolleyes:

This also fits in with Mrs Miyagi's concept of emotional intelligence.

She speaks the truth here.. I did use no contact a few months back in the wrong manner but I don't see it that way now and most of my healing has happened AFTER I started to realise what NC was really for.

HOLY COWABUNGA KAITOU!!

Where were you and that post, like say, six months ago??
Many many greenie to you for that - I mean it.

Now there is some REALISTIC information about the No Contact Rule and a great improvement over the other post I saw like this.
Bottom line: whoever did the leaving needs to be the one to rekindle it, otherwise it's a no-go.

The only paragraph I think needs some work for how it supports being manipulative is this one:

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?
A. The question is why are they contacting you? Ask them!

No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree with me on this I do disagree, its gamey and I think there is real power in honest responses, not canned ones.

I'm a skeptic. I want to know why the ex is contacting me. Then by god ask them, crikey!

If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Nevermind all this baloney, just be genuinely you and go slow. You have an honest right to be guarded

Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. Trust this one A LOT.

And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed. Please! Give up the wanting, its toxic to your recovery.

Yea I wish I read that like a month ago >.> I was never a big believer of no contact, so I was reluctant to use it. I saw it as a manipulative mean of getting my ex back. But after reading that post, I've realize what I should really be doing. And how to move on

Is there a way to make this a sticky? Or appear at the top of the Relationship Forum.
This is so great and it really explains NC and it's actual benefits!!

Yes there is a way to make a stickey and I trying to find it

The trouble with thinking there is anything you can do to get one one who left back is this:

Now that you're out, what's left to do is only pretty superficial things really. Think about it.

So if you win your ex back (who by the way rejected you when you already showed them what the real you is like in a relationship) by doing superficial things, then all I can say is you two deserve each other. It implies one of two things to me:

Gamers playing by manipulation. Plan on lots of high drama.

Immature people who use breaking up and getting back together again (and again and again) as a way to say, hey we have a problem in this relationship. The rest of us negotiate that before we end it.

If by chance they return on their own, you got some serious work to do and almost everyone ignores that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Yes there is a way to make a stickey and I trying to find it

Umm, can we modify that one paragraph? :rolleyes:

Of course we'd have to give Caliguy most of the credit with a mention about the modification...