He may be a good person and all that, but he's about as mature as a five year old little girl.
If he can't figure out now what he wants and will stick with, then dump him. Trust me, he isn't worth it.
Real relationships are only worth the effort when both people involved stick with the other when times get tough. That's where strengh in a relationship is built. It's at those times that a persons love for another is proven. Just as gold is refined by fire, so is a relationship. Gold is only purified more and more by heat. A relationship becomes stronger and stronger by sticking together through the difficulties. You get through them together, and it makes the bond stronger and stronger.
It doesn't matter who's right or who's wrong in these disagreements your having, when your in a relationship with someone, it's the responsibility of both to see it through.
If he can't do that, tell him to hit the pike!

The song gets sadder... I've tried my best to give him the space he's asked for, but after 4 days I caved and went to see him - (I know... what was I thinking).

It didn't go very well. We did talk, but the result was that we're in the same position we were before (that he has made his decision and is not going to change his mind about us) only I am feeling worse off than when it started. I had hoped to have a real conversation - about how we got to where we are, and how we can avoid repeating the same patterns if we are able to reconcile. I guess timing is everything, and mine was pretty bad.

During this conversation, and during the one we had just following the breakup we had many moments of closeness and what I would call "normalcy" - I wasn't trying to convince him that we could make it work, he wasn't trying to convince me that we couldn't - we were just a couple talking about what we did during our time apart, even joking and laughing. These moments would come to an end when he would put the wall back up (there are definitely feelings there, but it felt like he caught himself weakening in his resolve to be dead set against changing his mind and he put the defences back up).

6 days ago and beyond we were talking about future plans, doing kind things for each other, enjoying eachother's company, being affectionate. Now he's fighting me tooth and nail to keep from allowing any feelings to creep in and weaken his armour. I know him very well - I know that he still cares deeply for me, and he is having as difficult a time as I am with this (although he'd never admit it). I've heard "I have made up my mind and nothing is going to change" many times before.

He's made it clear that he has not had enough time and space to sort things out for himself and I've agreed to leave him be. I am struggling with this terribly. Being that we've been here in this exact situation before and found our way back has me over analyzing the situation and second guessing everything. I find it very hard to believe that his feelings could have changed to drastically and with such finality - but I recognize he is going through something that he feels he needs to deal with on his own.

I'm really looking for some perspective, insight, reassurance... if anyone has any to share

Thanks

How much longer do you want to keep going around in circles with this?

It does take two to want to tango-why keep trying to fit a square peg into a round hole?

I think you should ask yourself honestly if this really is what you want and need in your life.

False hope. That stuff burns. Ouch.

Stop begging. And letting him play you. He needs time, yeah right...
This has never worked.

"I'm really looking for some perspective, insight, reassurance"

Stop chasing him & move on. You can do it.

How's that?

Forget him, go NC & split.

"Ouch" is right... but I appreciate the honesty and directness.

In answer to why I would want to continue going in circles... I don't... my hope was to be able to work through it and end the cycle once and for all.

The reason that I'm still in this isn't because I'm delusional or a glutton for punishment - the other side of this story is a relationship with someone who is positive, giving, caring, intelligent, patient, and extremely supportive... It's hard to separate the two and forget about the good because of the bad - especially when there is more of the good. I don't want to throw out the baby with the bathwater.

That's what false hope means-youre willing to try,but he isn't on the same page as your are.

You say the good outweighs the bad-yet he keeps breaking up with you.

In my book that means he has thrown out not only the baby,but also the bathtub.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by blindtosee

I find it very hard to believe that his feelings could have changed to drastically and with such finality - but I recognize he is going through something that he feels he needs to deal with on his own.

I'm really looking for some perspective, insight, reassurance... if anyone has any to share

Thanks

---

His feelings have not changed drastically, this sounds like what he does regularly. You two break up quite often. Maybe he is tired of the yo yo thing too, maybe he is tired of trying to feel something that he does not feel.

It's time for you to wake up and smell the coffee. This relationship is not the one for you. It's time to just let it go for good.

You really need to move on for your own sanity. It has already ended, so you don't have to worry about ending it.

Don't call him, don't go to see him, delete his number from your phone and get on with your life.

Even if he did call eventually, it would be the same thing all over again and it will never end. You deserve better.

I feel like I'm losing my mind... I've read and re-read all of the comments and advice given to me here and have tried to take it to heart. I've also over analyzed my situation to the point that I don't know which way is up.

Four years is a lot of time to sum up in an online post - there are many details about my current (I guess I should say previous) relationship that I haven't listed here. Although I understand why many of you have the opinions that you do, in my heart I can't believe that this man is out to use me or play me in any way. I'm not saying this because I'm trying to cling to the hope that this story will have a happy ending - I'm saying it because I feel that not saying it doesn't do him or what we had together justice. He is a good person who's had difficult times to overcome in his past - he has endeavored to become a better and stronger person. He has always been very giving, and has beed a huge motivator for me in so many ways. I haven't been perfect by any means and have had my share of ups and downs too - I believe that he's done his best to be as supportive with me as I have with him. We've had financial issues to overcome during the past few months, have adjusted to a move to a new city, a new job - there has been a lot going on and it could put a strain on any couple. I think that if we could have really committed to making changes in how we communicate with each other this would not have happened, and the proverbial straw would not have broken the camel's back.

We have communicated a few times over the past week - mostly by phone or email, twice in person (I've already posted the details of the first "in person" encounter). That one went badly, the second one was a little better. Each time we've spoken I've seen a little more of the "old" him showing through, and the second time I saw him in person it seemed that he was warming up. We kept the conversation light, and it was nice just catching up on some of the details that we've missed over the past few days. The problem for me is not knowing where to draw the line. We were going to see each other briefly this evening - he flip flopped on it and finally decided against it as feels he isn't ready yet. This was very upsetting to me and I let my emotions get the better of me and pushed too hard - we argued, he hung up, I got upset and called him a kajillion times (how pathetic) and the breakup cycle started all over again... way to set things back.

In the end I apologized for turning into an emotional basket case on him. He said he understands... he apologized for getting angry and expressed that he's not trying to be cold or distant, but he doesn't know how else to be at the moment. We broke up a week ago and haven't had more than 2 nights in a row where we haven't spoken - he feels that he hasn't had enough space and time to think let alone miss me (can't argue there). He's going through something right now that I know I can't change, fix, or talk him out of. It's his process for dealing with things - he has always been this way, and the only thing to do is let him go through it.

I know I need to leave this alone. But that scares me. I've always been the one to draw him out of the silence and get the communication going - this has actuallly worked many times in the past. So I keep trying - because I don't know what else to do.

Just let it go, and get yourself through this. That means leaving him alone. Sorry, there are no short cuts or quick fixes.

Hello all... took the time to get my bearings, get a grip, and "get myself through this" as was wisely suggested. Things are far from over - we're communicating which I'm taking as a good sign - only time will tell at this point whether we'll be able to come out of this intact. I'm hoping for the best, but will be prepared for the worst.

Now that I'm in a better state of mind I hope to be able to offer some decent advice of my own...

Thanks again...