I am from the school of being on your best behavior at all times, and it would help if you left the alcohol alone.
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I am from the school of being on your best behavior at all times, and it would help if you left the alcohol alone.
Thank you, I appreciate your insight.
My mother admits, the worst thing she ever did was smother me with attention and give me everything I wanted. She believes when you love somebody you should give them everything they want at any cost. She also agrees that by doing this, she was too soft with me.
Its like a game isn't it, when I know I can keep getting exactly what I want, why would I stop trying?
She gave my father everything he wanted and he treat her like dirt on his shoe. He was physically and emotionally abusive and an alcoholic. For this reason Ive never taken to alcohol.
Im 24 in a few months an of course won't celebrate with a drink. That only time I have ever been drunk accelerated my bratty behaviour to the limit and made me look very bad.
The funny thing was, I was absolutely fine in the relationship until a period had passed and I started feeling dependent on her. That's when my crave for attention became apparent. Prior to then I was very relaxed, we would have a great time and she would shower me with attention without me needing to ask or manipulate her for it.
Once I started that behaviour it slowly pushed her away to the point where she didn't want to be around me anymore.
The main concept I need to grasp is that I am and will be absolutely 100% fine as an adult by myself, without anybody to lean on. Even with all the attention I got as a child and from my girlfriend, I still felt a very lonely person. I have plenty of hobbies and interests especially as a child but none of them could keep me occupied for more than 5 minutes. Its like an anxiety that I must have somebody there.
Ive already started work on controlling my selfish outbursts. Ive figured out what my triggers are and can forsee them in a conversation. When they approach Ive started to take a step back, collect my thoughts then re-evaluate my response with a positive statement rather than something negative.
Ive only had chance to practice this on the other people in my lives as the other day was the first time I'd seen my girlfriend in over 10 weeks.
Tonight is going to be a good opportunity to see how I react. I need to stay relaxed, not in context to the situation but within myself. We're both there because we love each other, so we should be having a great time regardless.
Wish me luck.
Good Luck and I hpe things work out well!:)
Hi jumper,
How did the date go with girlfriend? I guess it went well.
It is very good start and you just do everything right. However, please don't forget you need to be this way FOR THE REST OF LIFE, and when you stop to control yourself, you will go back to the bad place again.Quote:
Originally Posted by jumper86
Your mother seems naturally very soft and giving person. Your father left her, not because she gave him too much. He was just selfish & alcoholic abuser, did not even appreciate your mother.Quote:
Originally Posted by jumper86
It is very understandable, she made you the center of the world and gave all the attention and love after your father left her. That made you such a sweet man (when you are not in outburst mode), and you know how good it is to give and take undivided attention with loved one. You should appreciate your mother.
However, in reality, you should not expect this much intensive level of attention from anyone for long run. If you force it, you will make another one suffocated. We have our own living besides of love, in terms we need career, friends, own hobbies, interests etc. to make us as ourselves, and LOVE should not be the ONLY resource to focus on even in relationhsip. Just relax, and divide your interest with some other area, give “you & your gf” some space to breath. It will make you more confident and desirable man, and she will be more attracted.
(If you ask more attention, and manipulate, the whole relationship will be only getting ugly.)
It is smart move. Alcohol makes all of us moody, makes sad person sadder, agitated person out burst. Let's stay away.Quote:
Originally Posted by jumper86
This is very honest statement. I will pass you a secret. We are all somewhat lonely weather we are successful, rich, gorgeous looking, married, or in relationship. The main key here is, when you start to looking for something from others to fill the loneliness, you will only become desperate and miserable, because you cannot control others. The more you want to control them, the faster they will run away. Nobody likes desperate person.Quote:
Originally Posted by jumper86
Adulthood is like a package with freedom (you can do anything as you want without permission), loneliness (since you are own free person), and responsibility.
Embrace your loneliness. It is a package of adulthood, and it actually makes you grow and proud. I always love to have "my time" to taste the sweet loneliness, and when I am lonely, I actually found myself very productive and growing fast for myself. Now, let's focus on the responsibility rather. You are already 24, it will make you feel good to take care of someone else besides of you as grown person. Take care of your mother as she did it to you. Call her up, and say "I really appreciate everything you did for me. I lov you." Take care of your girlfriend proactively.
So, here is the happiness formula for you.
Be confident about yourself, embrace loneliness, give others breating space, and yet be very responsible to take care of your loved one as adult man. WOW1 it is killer combination. It seems charismatic to me!! :)
Happy Easter, everyone!
Good news... Good for you.:):)Quote:
Originally Posted by myagony1234
Threads merged, and no need to start another one about the same thing.
So my date went very well indeed. I felt very relaxed and it showed because she was relaxed too. We had a nice dinner and a good laugh. She decided to come back and stay over at my place and I took her home earlier. However just as I dropped her off I almost made a mistake.
I asked her when I would see her next, I meant through the week. She said she has been asked to attend two birthdays but can't remember what days they're on. She also said she needs to make a plan to see her other friend who's back in town who she hasn't seen since christmas. She said she'd do all that tomorrow and then call me tomorrow night to say when she's free for us to do something.
I don't know why but my expectations always get the better of me in these situations. Obviously she has to attend the birthday parties and cannot remember which days they're on so will have to contact those people before she can agree to come to my house on Wednesday for example. However with her other friend, she said she would see her sometime through the week but they didn't specify a day. I figured once she knew about the birthdays she would make a plan with me then one with her friend. Again that is the idea of 'me first' which I can't seem to get over.
But anyway, she said she'd let me know. I felt like speaking up, because that's how I would usually react when I don't get my own way but I bit my tongue and said cool, I'll hear from you then. Before I used to act up in these organising time situations and that was very annoying for her.
1. How do couples in a relationship usually organise to see each other?
If we have a date, or she comes to my house and I just drop her off, say bye, then don't make another plan and possibly wait a week and call her. Well that to me is like how it was at the very beginning while dating. I figure once you've been in a relationship with somebody for over a year it shouldn't be like that.
2. She needs to make a plan with her friend first before she makes a plan with me, because she said she doesn't know when her friend is available. Is this right?
Because Ive had these same feelings for a long time and have constantly been acting up. Im not sure what proper behaviour is in these situations. I figure when you're in a relationship, if you're both free say tomorrow night for example and you're both sitting home doing nothing, wouldn't you see each other?
Im probably way off because of my needy actions but if somebody could put some perspective on this, that would be great thanks.
Hello Jumper,
I think that you are acting a little selfish and way too needy! You guys are only dating, she doesn't have to answer to you, as you don't to her!
If you want more than that with her, then stop acting like this, because YOU are not getting what you want... I am sorry to be so rude about this.
It just rubbed me the wrong way when you mentioned that you were getting upset because you weren't getting your way... What about her, and her way? Why should it only be about you?
She was very upfront and honest, by telling you that she had birthday parties and wanted to visit with a friend that she has not seen since Christmas... You really ned to get a life out side of her and enjoy her when you do see her...
It is such a huge turn off when people are to needy ad clingy and always feel the need to come first all of the time!
I'm telling you, if you continue to be that way, you will have a very hard time keeping girlfriends.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder!
I appreciate the honesty!
I would have continued this in my last thread but it was locked for some reason. If you got the chance to read that you'd already know my issues.
I just figure from some people I know and from my previous relationship, I'd usually either have set days where I'd see my girlfriend, as some of my friends do, or we'd always make sure we made a plan to see each other again.
I know the main part of my other post was that I was a bad boyfriend other than being clingy and needy. However this needyness and bratty behaviour pops up in these situations all of the time. This is what caused my girlfriend to go off me in the first place.
I just can't seem to understand it with this girl. Regardless of next week. In the past she would come over to my house, she'd leave or I'd take her home and only if I brought it up and arranged a plan would she then sort something out with me. If I didn't bring it up, she would just leave. Then I'd hear from her the next day and maybe the day after but no mention of meeting. So Id feel the need to ask her again. She'd get sick of this and say give me some time instead of asking me and maybe I'd get round to it. I figured if I didn't ask, she would never get round to it. That anxiety would creap in again.
As per my previous relationship, I knew that I'd definitely see her on a Friday night. That was constant. So at least it gave me a staple so I didn't have to bother as much about making other plans. When that girl left or I dropped her off say for example today, she'd say if your free on Tuesday, we'll hang out then. We would always know when the next time we're seeing each other was. The majority of my friends do this too. So I figured this was the norm amongst people.
However all the time with this girl it has been different to that, with the previous example of next weeks parties aside.
I feel like I need that constant. Like I need to know when the next time we're going to meet is. And I fear if I don't arrange it, it may not happen. However Ive never held off long enough to see if this would be true.
I just need to try and understand that it shouldnt/doesnt work like that. Or at least it doesn't work like that for OUR relationship.
I spend plenty of time with my own friends and make plans with them. Even with friends when we leave, one of us will usually say. We'll all meet next Tuesday for example at such and such...
Im just trying to pour my thoughts out so you guys have a better understanding of where I'm coming from and how I can get over this behaviour.
Thanks
Hello again Jumper,
I understand where you are coming from. I also appreciate your honesty and pouring your heart out to complete strangers.
Let me ask you this, why is it that you get so easily frustrated? Why do you feel the need to be around her or constantly has to know what's going to happen next?
You should just relax and let it be the way it should be, meaning, let her arrange for the two of you to meet. Let her initiate for a while. Believe me, if she wants to hang out with you, she will pursue you.
Give her the benefit of the doubt. Put some trust in her.
Don't force her to see you, or else she will not want to see you.
Does that make sense?
Hey thanks, I appreciate it. I can answer neither of your questions. I wish I could though.
I have no idea why I feel so frustrated.
I also don't feel the need to constantly be around her but I certainly have a need to know when I will see her next. I really wish I knew why.
It makes perfect sense.
I figure she will come to me. I just can't seem to hold my tongue for long enough to not ask when Im next seeing her. I'll do as you suggest and let her initiate for a while.
Thanks again
Hi Jumper,Quote:
Originally Posted by jumper86
I understand your frustration due to the uncertainty. You have seen this girl for the past 13 month. Has she been always this way not to let you know either she will see you next week or not?
Give each other space...Quote:
Originally Posted by myagony1234
After you have hurt someone badly, its only natural that they are not going to be as open, and trusting, as they were before. While you have a second chance, realize that things have changed, and essentially, this is a brand new relationship, with a brand new person.
You wanted this second chance to make things better, then relax, and enjoy it, because no way will she just believe you have learned anything, and changed, as you say. No way, will things be done the way it was. And no way, she gives you a chance to break her heart, and dignity again. To expect that is crazy.
Face it, things will go at her pace, and she is wary of the old you, as well she should be.
Funny how our selfish motivations, makes us forget where we just came from? I advise you strongly to reread your own words, and recognize how grateful you were for a second chance to prove you have changed.
That means doing things differently, and getting your act together, and show her you can be understanding, and patient. For sure she is watching you closely, from a safe distance, so put your best foot forward, and if your not willing, or just want control back on your own terms, then leave her alone.
Jumper,
I appreciate your heart. Kind of like mine. Ive been you.
But all Im hearing in the past few posts is anxiousness, rushing and selfish expectations. (thanks for opening up)
Not REALLY learning, yet, but good to start recognizing past stuff and influences. This could be a great lesson here. Want to learn?
This is all inside of you. In a way, has nothing to do with her, other than that's the person she's interacting with now & before.. You.
How together you are. Perceptions vs.reality (on everyone's part).
Not TV.
From your last post:
"I have no idea why I feel so frustrated."
Here's a great chance to get to know yourself.
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