 |
I suggested that and she got defensive.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
On the flipside its quite true what she says.
'if I know your going to be free on a weekday, why should I have to not see my friends on the weekend when I know they will be out and about'
While its true, its not very respectful of my time.
YouTube - Everwood Scene: Hanging Out
Watch that... It applies to you directly!
Thanks man I appreciate it.Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
I already explained that I can't be a second choice, she denied it, because apparently its not second choice if she makes other times to see me.
Ive decided Im going to make myself a lot less available. Im not going to call her, going to wait until she calls me. Im not going to ask to hang out, going to wait until she asks me and I may or may not be busy.
I'll let you guys know how it goes.
Thanks again for all the advice, its helped me understand this a lot better.
First, I haven't read every post, so if I repeat something someone else has said, sorry.
I am female and I've sadly done what your girlfriend is doing.
Here's why. I wasn't that interested. I was hoping he'd get the hint and I wouldn't have to be the one to break it off. He didn't get the hint. He ended up proposing, even though we really hadn't spent that much time together in the 2 years we dated.
I ended up cheating on him, a lot. We broke up, he forgave, and because I couldn't figure out a way to break it off, I was stuck.
Your girlfriend is telling you loud an clear that you are not a priority in her life. Of course she should spend time with her friends, of course she needs to go to school to better herself, but to expect you to be at her beck and call, no way!
The question is, how long are you going to put up with this before you realize the message she's sending you, that you're really not that important to her.
If it was me, I'd break it off, find someone that at least wants to be with you, wants a relationship.
You're not on the same page as her, so buy another book! :)
Aha, this makes more sense!Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
I kind of suspected this, except. She keeps putting me in these emotional hooks. She'll say 'I miss you' or 'I love you' as soon as I stop bothering with her so much. It will spark my interest and when I show more interest and attention she seems to back off.
I feel like Im being used as somebody to have when she's not doing all those other things. Seems going to eat chinese this weekend is more important than seeing me even though she's seeing those same girls at a bar 2 nights later...
Maybe you can advise me about how to go about breaking it off?
Ive read the stickies here about NC.
Do I tell her that its not working because she's not making me a priority anymore then I leave her? Or do I just leave without saying a word and she'll get the picture?
Thanks
Breaking up is going to be the hard part. It's never easy.
Be honest with her, tell her what you've told us, that you feel like a backup plan when she doesn't have anything better to do.
I can guarantee that she'll tell you she loves you, she doesn't want to lose you, you're just being too sensitive, it's your problem, not hers.. blah, blah, blah. She doesn't want to lose her backup plan.
Stick to your guns. Tell her that you deserve to be with someone that actually wants to be with you. Tell her that you don't expect to be together 24/7 but at this point you're not even as lucky as a divorced father with visitation of his kids. You don't need it, you don't accept it and you think it's best to end things now because you can't see it getting any better.
No contact after that. It's not going to be easy but that's what we're here for, you come here to vent, you come here if you need to talk, you come here if you have weak moment. You just come here and we'll be here. :)
Do it soon so you can move on. You deserve someone that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. Don't take anything less. :)
Well.. If she is so busy during the weekends... why are you so available during the weeknights?
It probably sounds childish, but why make yourself available for someone who is unavailable when you would like to spend time with her?
You need to tell her how you want YOUR relationship with her. She is not the only deciding factor on what either one of you can or can't do. Why not go out with her and her friends? Have you suggested that? That could be a possibility that will make everyone happy.
If she is not willing to make sacrafices, and her friends are more important than you, then its time to end the relationship. You need to be her priority, not her friends. You are the one she can potentially spend the rest of her life with. But if she is not putting you first, why are you with her? I know I wouldn't stand around waiting for sloppy seconds.
She seems to be the only deciding factor. If she says I will see you through the week and I say, I want to see you on the weekend she says no. Now it wasn't always like this and when I said that to her, she started reeling off a list of excuses such as, you know I don't feel good right now, have lots of work, stressed, don't see my friends as much. Then she brings it back with, I used to see you loads but you forget that. So it seems like she's the deciding factor and if I have my say she tells me, Im not willing to compromise...Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucky098
I asked her on the phone the other night why she wasn't putting me first anymore and she said she won't put me first anymore, I can't always be first.
Like I said Ive made a fair few indirect approaches to this subject over the past 6 months where Ive asked for what Ive wanted and its made a difference for like a week, then its gone straight back.
After I brought it up on the phone properly this time she said she is sick of me going on and on at her and she asked if I ever stopped to think that maybe why she doesn't want to see me as much.
When I first met her she used to go out with her friends loads, then once we started going out she didn't see them half as much and wanted to see me often, especially over the weekend. It seems like she's gone back to her original set up.
Anyway, she was really pissed off on the phone and ended up saying she can't stand me when Im acting up like this.
I haven't contacted her and Ive not heard from her since...
That's probably just what she wants, for me to call her up and say sorry like I usually do. Im not going to call her and if she doesn't call me I'll assume its over.
If this is so, how do I get my stuff back she has?
" I am getting my stuff back this weekend" have a good time. When you get your stuff back, then really disappear from her life. No need to drag this out any further than it has to be.
Yeah but it means Im going to have to call her which will break the no contact. I know as soon as I call her she's going to ask me what's going on, on the phone. So what do I say, 'I want to come get my stuff at the weekend. And if she asks I say, Ive told you that I can't be second best in your life, thanks'?Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I don't want to get hooked back in.
Then stick to your guns!Quote:
Originally Posted by BigJC
Ok so she just text me and it said 'if you want to meet me and talk tomorrow night, I'm available. I will also give you your stuff back, let me know'
So Ive just replied saying yeah I'll come get my stuff back.
I'll just explain again to her how Im feeling when we meet and that I don't want it to be that way.
I'd like to have a friendship with her but that will have to be well into the future. I'll have to go NC until Ive healed and then perhaps we can be friends after that.
Thanks
I'm not sure if you want to try and save your relationship, but... Everything needs to come to a happy medium. Apparently, she doesn't think that applies to your relationship. Maybe you came off as the guy that didn't mind his girlfriend going out with her friends every weekend night. Maybe she is the one who wears the pants in this relationship, which isn't a bad thing... It just really shows how "bossy" she is.
If she doesn't want to listen to what you have to say.. or take you into consideration, and feels that hanging out with her friends every weekend night is more important then spending that time with you, then I would highly advised to end the relationship... maybe with no friendship attached. Its kind of obvious she has no respect for you.
I'm not sure what else to say. Its going to all come down to how you word everything and her reaction to what you say. But don't allow her to push you around by giving you excuses. Its either yes or no... She's either with you, or with her friends...
Good luck
I think you've got it right again. I believe I did come off as the guy who didn't mind his girlfriend going out on the weekends. I actually didn't think it was my place to say. But then once I thought it wasn't fair anymore and spoke up about it, all the problems and arguments came.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucky098
She definitely wears the pants. The thing is I think because she was so used to me not making a fuss and then when I suddenly did, she kept saying I was 'attacking her'. Its not an attack, its just me finally speaking up about it and she doesn't like it.
If I wanted to save it, Im not sure how to word everything to make it clear. Whatever I say in reference to me being second, she gives another excuse and keeps reverting to how she USED to give me time. I told her that was in the past. However now I think because Ive mentioned it so many times she thinks I want all the attention on me all of the time.
I never asked for that though, I don't just want to see her on the weekend. I want HER to want to see me on the weekend. Otherwise it'll feel like she's only doing it because I made a fuss and asked her.
She's made it clear many times. Her friends do things on the weekends and not during the week so we can't she see me during the week so she can go do things with her friends at the weekend. Her idea is if I ask to see her at the weekend Im just being awkward.
After reading your posts, speaking for myself in your situation, I'd have to walk away as painful as it would be.
First, she values her 'me' time and fun far above your relationship. You've expressed your feelings about it... she doesn't care. I sense that you're there as a filler or for her to say she has a BF. I honestly think she would dump you instantly as soon as she found someone more interesting. Second, if my GF would say, "Did you ever consider I don't want to spend that much time with you..." that would be the point at which I would be exiting on my terms. What a hurtful thing to say. I'd make plans to meet her at her place, nothing specific just getting together. Don't tell her, "We need to talk." or "I'm coming to get my stuff." I'd show up and with an "it's all business" approach, start packing my stuff while saying, "You don't have time for me." "It's not working..." blah blah blah. Choke back the pain and a "good bye" as I exit. All in a quick and efficient manner. Knock her off her pedestal.
Here are the points I'm going to bring up again tomorrow when I see her. Im trying to word them right.
1. If you work on a Saturday and see your friends on a Friday you will see me on Sunday if you isn't going back to school. The only time I'll see you is on a Saturday is if your not at work. If you are at work our night gets sacrificed yet you still manage to see your friends every weekend and your time with them never gets sacrificed.
2. You say none of your friends do anything through the week because people only go out to bars or eat on weekends, this may be true but what if I want to do something on the weekend with you, you won't give me that time because you do things with your friends on the weekends and you know you can see me through the week because Im available.
3. when I ask to see you on a weekend you can never say yes or no, you will always say I don't know what's happening yet. By this you mean you don't know if you're going to be asked out by your friends. You can't commit to a plan with me if I ask you early in the week. If your friends don't ask you to go out you call me up and say I'm coming to yours on the weekend. This makes me feel like a fallback.
4. 3 Thursday nights in a row you went out to a bar with your friends and a day later on the Friday you still went out with the same friends to a different bar. I wasn't able to see you on the Saturday because you were working so I got pushed to the Sunday. Why did you have to go out two nights in a row, if you went with the girls on Thursday why couldn't you turn down Friday and see me instead?
5. you have a boyfriend and none of your friends do therefore they should know your not going to be able to be out as much as they are because you'll be spending some time with your boyfriend. This goes with having a boyfriend but right now you're acting like somebody who is single and not treating me like a boyfriend, even though you like to call me boyfriend by name.
6. It seems like you're more interested in going to bars and restaurants than spending time with me. You don't seem to have time for a boyfriend and I won't be somebody you see when you have no other plans.
7. I'd like you to make a plan with me first, but only because you want to, not because Im asking you to.
8. You often go out 2 nights during the week while you're at school with your friends there yet you still need to go out over the weekend when you're home with your friends from home too. While I understand you want to see your home friends too, if you've already been out with your school friends during the week, can't you miss seeing your home friends at the weekend and see me instead?
9. I've told you clearly how these actions are hurting my feelings and I will not continue to be your second best choice. If you can't accommodate me into your plans on weekdays and weekends then Im going to have to reconsider this relationship.
10. The reason I would like to spend some time with you on either a Friday or Saturday is because those are the best nights. You keep saying you're compromising and giving me a Sunday but its not a compromise because that is not what I have asked for.
I just want to add. While Ive brought things up to do with this over the past few months. She must have told her friends how I was in her words 'telling her' when to see me. She told me her friends said, don't let him tell you when to see him, if he is going to be like that, you should chuck him!
And you wonder why I don't like the friends. Also to add, I suggested Id come along and make an effort with them even though Ive tried hard before and she said ' I don't want you to come along, I want to spend that time by myself with the girls'
What do you guys think of the points Ive made, too much? Worded correctly?
Thanks, I appreciate anymore help
You have just written 10 (11?) good reasons to disappear from her life and not even talk to her.
I would let her figure it out on her own with out you there to argue with her. Sure she may call and text, but the message would be a very strong one, especially after a week where you weren't begging or negotiating for her precious time.
In two weeks she will either be gone, or ready to talk, face to face.Bet she says forget you and never sees you again, which would be a win-win for you, and you keep your dignity, and self respect.
How you have put up with her antics this long is beyond me, because there ain't that much love in the world, that I would even go a week under your circumstances.
I agree with thisQuote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Ah OK, so you think Im an idiot? You can be honest.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
She text today and say she wanted to talk face to face tomorrow. Should I let her do the talking instead of me?
Even though Ive already addressed all those points, I feel like I need to do it because a. she's either not getting it OR b. she's just trying to push her luck and see how far she can get until I get the balls to walk.
Also to add.
She found out Im going out of the country with my work in early May for 2 weeks then will be going again in the summer for about 4 months.
She's now using this as another excuse.
You don't stop seeing somebody because they're in another country for a while. I know countless people who's boyfriends and fiancés are in iraq fighting the war for 6 months at a time and they are still committed!
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:53 PM. |