Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend broke up, I disappeared for 5 weeks and she's back begging

Listen.

You made a very good decision by going NC.

Then she reeled you back in.

And making meeting demands. What a joke.

I would use your gut, man. Not sure someone can change after 5 weeks.

After all, if she was committed, she wouldn't need 5 weeks to figure it out.

Sounds like you could be in for a world of hurt if you lose control here.

Her reasons don't sound true. Anyone that begs, I got to question their insecure motives.

Wait until you all have the weekend together and you will see if you want to continue this relationship!

Women sometimes do need a break, that doesn't mean she cares less about you.

Talk and discuss where you want to go with this. Ask her questions about things that have been hurting you. Let her tell you the things that have been bothering her.

Don't write her off until you talk.:)

Caring is one thing being able to be in a relationship is another.

Go ahead, have that talk. Curious to hear.

Before, think about what you have learned in the past 5 weeks about yourself. What it is you want.

You have a wonderful weekend and keep us posted. You are a nice guy and I hope she realizes that! Blessings:)

To be honest, I have never gone back with someone who has dumped me instead of at least trying to solve things together. I can see backing off, and cooling off, then talking to see if there can be a resolution. But breaking up because things are rough, sorry, no way. I would disappear, and be done.

I think it would only be by phone only until we have an agreement that solves the problem, and I get convinced she is ready to drop the BS, and is for real. I think she wants to get back with you, just so she has something else to do. Or until she does find something else to do. And that's not reason enough to try again in my book.

She would have to do a lot more talking, and less begging, for me to even consider changing my mind. You're a better guy than me, because I don't trust the begging at all.

Ok maybe I over exaggerated the use of the word begging.

She was crying on the phone and said Ive really made a mistake and I want you back. I think the tears just made it seem more intense. Probably because I haven't answer a single phone call from her in over 5 weeks.

She did also say during that conversation, I only want you back if we talk and things are going to change. We'll see how it goes before we make any final decisions.

I trust that her motives aren't regarding having nobody. She's very attractive physically and is never short of an offer. Mainly from the type of guy who wants a quick roll in the hay but that's by the by. I too get plenty of offers but in my eyes, you can't just go off and be with somebody else, just like that.

I guess I'll just proceed with caution for now and as you say, let her do all the talking.

As for the power thing, I think you're right. By rearranging the time and in doing so creating a fuss, I guess I am possibly only doing it to regain back some of that power. Which of course, is not going to set us off to a good start.

I'll just keep my mouth shut from now on and be more easy going.

As for talaniman suggesting talking it out on the phone long before meeting, would this be a better option?

I read a couple of posts here before I wrote this one and many times people have suggested to others that they need to meet and talk in person. I assumed this was a better option than talking on the phone?

Thanks

I also want to add too. She tried over a couple of months or so to sort things out. This was during the time that she kept snapping. I kind of hurried her and said this is taking too long and you're still snapping at me. She said something like, if that's the way you're going to be on, then just finish it now.

Ive shown little patience on more than one occasion...

Quote:

Originally Posted by itsyerboi

Ah, she doesnt have plans at the weekends. None of her friends live at home anymore, they're all at school too, she just sits in at home on weekends or is at mine.

but what shes doing is what she did often during the relationship. I'll see you on 'insert day' because thats when I want to see you.

She did this once or twice before she broke up while she was home from school for a couple weeks. I said I wanted to see her mid week and she said 'i'll see you on the weekend. I said, but I wanna see you wednesday and she said the same crap. I wanna talk throughout the week (she means by phone) and if everything is good, I will come and see you on the weekend.

Its all totally her rules.

But yeah she said this time she wants to see me next weekend cos she was due to come over and kinda stay for the two weeks then anyway.

Well you know her better than I, but I'm not buying it. I stick to my initial assessment that she has plans. In either case. I wish you the best.

Quote:

Originally Posted by im2fast4uj

Well you know her better than I, but I'm not buying it. I stick to my initial assessment that she has plans. In either case. I wish you the best.

By this weekend I actually meant last night, since she was home early afternoon yesterday.

I already asked to meet yesterday and she said no. She clearly wasn't busy because when I called her last night her mum said I think she's in bed but I'll go check she's still awake. She was in bed but awake so then I asked why we hadn't met tonight and said she she'd already told me she didn't want to. I then asked about the rest of the weekend since she's not doing anything, she still said no. If she's going to sit in her pajamas and have no other reason not to see me other than because she says no, well no means no.

So I guess it'll just be next weekend.

I have plans this weekend, I'm going to meet with a few friends on Saturday evening. Im not sitting round waiting, we'll just see what happens.

Thanks

Sound pretty fishy to me that she just call you and said she made a mistake breaking it off. NC is a roller coaster ride. Sometime you have weak moment and cannot control yourself anymore, maybe this is just to ease her pain. Just don't get your hope up too much. Good luck.

It would seem that she still has control, and still sets the pace, and nothing you can do about it but cave to her "wishes". Maybe you need 5 more weeks of NC.

Quote:

She actually said on the phone while she was crying, 'I'm sooo scared you'll meet somebody else'

Now that she knows she is back in control, things have already gone back to what she wants, when she wants it and screw what you want. So the whole idea was to make sure you haven't moved on.

That's why since your going to go this route, talking on the phone would be your better option, because you will cave like a wimp with her in person for a weekend.

That's why you won't see her this weekend, because she is just letting you stew in your own juice for a while longer, and you will be a lot more pliable having thought of her for an extra week. Amazing how she can stick to her guns, and take it slow, and you go along.

For you being her first boyfriend, she definitely knows how to handle you. To bad your not as skilled as she is and maybe should have told her forget this try again stuff. Get on the phone and change the plan, before you get dumped again, as even though face to face talking is probably best, not in your case, your to impatient, and at least over the phone her perfume won't cloud your mind.

She wants to take it slow, give her what she asked for and see if she is sincere, before you get all those old intense feelings back, because for sure she will be all charm and smiles in person.

Listen to the old guy and don't fall for that okey doke, youngster.

Take the advice you've been given.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

It would seem that she still has control, and still sets the pace, and nothing you can do about it but cave to her "wishes". Maybe you need 5 more weeks of NC.

Now that she knows she is back in control, things have already gone back to what she wants, when she wants it and screw what you want. So the whole idea was to make sure you haven't moved on.

Thats why since your going to go this route, talking on the phone would be your better option, because you will cave like a wimp with her in person for a weekend.

Thats why you won't see her this weekend, because she is just letting you stew in your own juice for a while longer, and you will be a lot more pliable having thought of her for an extra week. Amazing how she can stick to her guns, and take it slow, and you go along.

For you being her first boyfriend, she definitely knows how to handle you. To bad your not as skilled as she is and maybe should have told her forget this try again stuff. Get on the phone and change the plan, before you get dumped again, as even though face to face talking is probably best, not in your case, your to impatient, and at least over the phone her perfume won't cloud your mind.

She wants to take it slow, give her what she asked for and see if she is sincere, before you get all those old intense feelings back, because for sure she will be all charm and smiles in person.

Listen to the old guy and don't fall for that okey doke, youngster.

Thanks I appreciate it.

Could you just expand on a couple points for me please,

By get on the phone and change the plan, do you mean say I don't want to see her at the weekend, I'd rather talking things out over the phone for now?

Is it bad that I'm impatient(of course it is in a general sense) but I mean in this situation?

I don't think I'll cave as easy as you might think. If I'm being treated like this all on her rules, if I don't stop it now it won't ever stop. I didn't cave when I decided to ignore her contact for 5 weeks.

So my best option is to go real slow and see if she's sincere?

Ps, this isn't her first boyfriend. She had a previous one who over 3 years cheated on her many times and she took him back. She's 22 and Im 23. I don't want to be treat like somebodys puppy dog, especially not while Im young and there are other options.

Quote:

Could you just expand on a couple points for me please,
By get on the phone and change the plan, do you mean say I don't wanna see her at the weekend, I'd rather talking things out over the phone for now?

Absolutely, because your rushing back to her arms with barely a whimper, and thats not good because you're not listening to her, finding out what she really wants (besides stopping you from moving on), or honestly expressing yourself, or sticking up for yourself, if you feel you're right. I hope you talk extensively for a while before you get back face to face and especially not over a weekend.

Quote:

Is it bad that I'm impatient(of course it is in a general sense) but i mean in this situation?

Its a disaster, since you are choosing to ignore several red flags, the biggest being why she dumped you in the first place. You also ignore you have solved nothing so far, nor really talked about a solution. Instead your going right back to a familiar pattern of behavior, because thats what she wants.

Quote:

I don't think I'll cave as easy as you might think. If I'm being treated like this all on her rules, if I don't stop it now it wont ever stop. I didn't cave when I decided to ignore her contact for 5 weeks.

You didn't heal either as if what you have written is accurate, when you did talk to her you caved then, so those 5 weeks meant nothing. Again, what has really changed?

Quote:

So my best option is to go real slow and see if she's sincere?

Your best option was to take your freedom, and heal, and then see how you felt, and 5 weeks wasn't enough. But you open the door again, and she has already made sure it stays open, and your going along with her program again, just like before.

You talk tough, but your actions are not matching your words.

Yeah talk to her only over the phone, and see if she is willing to share some control with you, and see how she reacts when she can't get her way. Then you will truly know where her head is, and if she has truly changed her attitude, I don't think so.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.

Talaniman Rule- Never let them break your heart TWICE! Didn't it hurt enough the first time?

Talaniman rules- When you get dumped, why go back, and get dumped again.

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule- Never wait when you get dumped. Get your own life and let them get theirs.

Talaniman Rule-Never follow your heart when its so broken, it makes the brain feel like mush

I threw this one in as it applies to exes, as well as strangers.

Talaniman Rule- never be in a hurry to give your heart to a stranger. Wait until they have proven they deserve it, and know what to do with it.
Has she proven anything to you yet??

Phone only, until she does, or you will be back with more confusion, than you have now.

Thanks, you've given me a lot to think about here.

I'll update this post when the situation goes further.

In the mean time, I'll talk on the phone and watch out for those red flags you mentioned.

Thanks again

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Go back to NC

While I understand why you would suggest this, I feel doing that will only prolong this situation. If I disappear for another couple of months and she come back again wanting to give it another go, I'd rather have take then opportunity now and if it doesn't work this time, I'll call it a day.

I just need to proceed with caution. I don't have high expectations, as to not set myself up for failure. By nature Im impatient but Im going to try extra hard to let this take its course and monitor her behaviour to see if its changed.

Maybe it will work. Be strong!

Up to you, man.

We've said our peace.

Did you read all of the stickies Tal offered up?