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Originally Posted by kp2171

so the next question to answer is why did you give it (self-esteem) away...

that's not a judgment. lord knows most of us have done it, and still do it whether in big chunks or small increments...

but feeling better because she was feeling crappy so she made you feel crappy so she could feel better is more than a bit twisted.

and oh so human.

next trick... stop basing your self esteem on what others say or do... or even what you feel. start basing your self worth on your beliefs and your actions. find the value in your efforts, and less on the results.

its not easy to do. our world is results oriented. but the more you focus on acting through your beliefs, the more you are content with the results, whatever they might be... and a content person can be driven, successful, and accomplished. they just don't give others their own personal power.

k.

its 12:42 and i want something chocolate.

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Myself esteem went down hill from her constantly putting me down and breaking up with me all the time. I loved her so much, and I valued how she felt about me. When she would do those things, I didn't feel valued much at all, and would keep wondering why she didn't love me like I loved her. I didn't play games with her, I didn't put her down, and when she showed any signs of insecurity, which was rare or when she was drunk, I would comfort her and tell her how much I loved her. But she would not do that for me. And I didn't know why.
But if she was doing all those things to test me so she could feel better about herself, it kind of tells me that she valued how I felt for her, but wasn't a very good way to go about it. Making someone else feel bad or confused to make yourself feel better is very sick and twisted. It doesn't show much empathy or compassion for others. It's not actually the love I deserve, or anyone deserves for that matter. I just wonder what kind of love that is. I'm not 100% sure, but it seems that she has some kind of love for me because I give her a greater, unconditional love, and that's what she loves. It's like she uses me to get the love and value she craves when she craves it, but isn't willing to show any love unless it is taken away from her and she has no access to it. But then will try to get it back by showing temporary love, made to feel like real love, but is only a façade to regain the source of what boosted her self-esteem.
Question is, now that I understand more about this, what to do about her? It would be so hard just to let her go, because no matter how she treats me, and no matter how insane it may sound, I'm still very much in love with her. I may have greater insight, but I don't know what to do with it.

You leave her alone, and get yourself esteem back, through time, and the accomplishment of putting your life back together.

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I give her a greater, unconditional love, and that's what she loves. It's like she uses me to get the love and value she craves when she craves it, but isn't willing to show any love unless it is taken away from her and she has no access to it. But then will try to get it back by showing temporary love

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What she wants is you there when she can't find anyone else to have sex with.

She has you fooled young man. Stop acting like you're twelve years old. SHE IS USING YOU UNTIL SOMETHING BETTER COMES ALONG!
LISTEN TO OUR ADVICE! She does not love you! Sorry but you need to take off those rose colored glasses and see the person she really is. A USER... :mad:

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

What she wants is you there when she can't find anyone else to have sex with.

She has you fooled young man. Stop acting like you're twelve years old. SHE IS USING YOU UNTIL SOMETHING BETTER COMES ALONG!
LISTEN TO OUR ADVICE!. She does not love you! Sorry but you need to take off those rose colored glasses and see the person she really is. A USER...:mad:

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Your right, I know. It's just hard to face and deal with. Three years of it is a long time.
I just wish there were a way that I could get her to stop this behaviour and take things seriously.

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Originally Posted by darkdays

Your right, I know. It's just hard to face and deal with. Three years of it is a long time.
I just wish there were a way that I could get her to stop this behaviour and take things seriously.

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She won't! Don't waste anymore time with her.

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

She won't! Don't waste anymore time with her.

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I know, but that's a lot easier said than done. I just don't know how. I mean, I know what most people say: work on myself, be around friends, go out and have a good time, date other peole, exercise, blah, blah, blah. But I don't need to do those things, there's nothing to work on with myself, Im fine with myself. It's just everything else. I can't seem to get anywhere with anything. I struggle all the time trying to get a job, I don't just sit around doing nothing, Im a very motivated person. Im ready to take on anything, ie: be successful with work, have a great relationship, and resolve all my problems and debts. But nothing ever happens. Im just spinning my wheels and getting no where. I just for the life of me can't understand why nothing happens or works out. It's not me and it's not what I do or don't do.
I just feel like my life is over and all my dreams will never happen, because no matter how hard I try, nothing happens. And I believe, and would love to know that my beliefs aren't just fantasy tales or just wishful thinking, but I do for now believe there is a God. I pray all the time. But nothing ever happens. If there is a God, why doesn't he do anything? Or if he doesn't want to, and figures that I don't need to have a life, then why doesn't he just take it already? I would rather not exist than to exist this way.

You're not a teeny bopper, so you have had something's you have earned, as you have a skill.

But I really think you may have it a valley that's screwing with your attitude a bit, and I know we all get overwhelmed sometimes. It happens.

But personally, I no longer wonder why life throws me curve balls any more, because it happens to us all. No matter how low things get, I always find that one glimmer to build on no matter how small. Sometimes all I find is to be grateful to just wake up and know its another chance, or another opportunity to make a difference even if all I accomplish is to take out the garbage. Those little things are what really keep me going through a lot of life's storms that come up when you least expect it, and wanted some sunshine.

I think the only thing we CAN control is our own attitude, and if you start every day with an attitude of gratitude, maybe you will start to see things differently. But I can understand being without a job, and losing a girlfriend can make any one feel terrible, but maybe its just life, clearing your life for something else, something better.

You say you believe in God, so keep believing, and work WITH that God, with positive actions, and thoughts. I mean, do you have something better to do? Use that self motivation to explore your options, and see the best, not the worst. God works in his own time and when your ready, you get the blessings of your actions.

Hang in there a little longer. This is but a test you can pass.

I know you are right about what you are saying Talaniman. Im sorry if I sound like Im whining like a baby about things. It's not that it's a hard struggle, but it's just been way too long. It just seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But I guess I should adjust my attitude about the whole thing a little more. I should be more grateful I guess. And I know that everyone gets into low spots in their lives that they cannot explain either, or some people have it even worse off.
Thanks for the kick in the butt. Im not giving up. I guess Im just trying to blow off some steam and vent a little.

Ok, I have a new challenge coming up. I was talking with myt on and off girlfriend tonight about our relationship, and she just continues to blame me for everything and when I ask her simple yetr to the point questions, she either avoids them or gives me the I don't know thing. So anyway, basically she says she doesn't know how she feels, but she is mad at me for everything going wrong, and I told her that if her and I are over with, then she doesn't have to be mad at me, for one, I didn't break it off with her, she did, and also, if she realizes that I was the wrong one for her, then at least she knows now and never has to put up with me and she can find the one for her. Well, she says she will be mad anyway. I don't know why or what that means.
So, towards the end, I asked her if I could meet up with her sometime tomorrow so I can spend some time with my son. She said she would and that we can meet at the park and spend time with him. Now why would she want to do this together if she wants to end the relationship and how should I handle her considering the current situation between us? Any ideas from an outsiders perspective?

You are going to get right back on the bridge and I hope you you don't fall off. There is a son? I may be wrong but have you mentioned him before? Just because you aren't back with her does not mean God has not answered your prayer. Don't blame God! I don't believe he is going to bless this relationship until you both show some self respect to each other. Your child is watching your life and hers! Grow up and be a man he can look up to.

Sounds like you are a strong person.

I lost my job last year, then got dumped. And been struggling.

Faith is everything. In yourself.

But that comes with work & not letting the bad outweigh the good.

I guess that's every day in every situation, hey?

More importantly to recognize what isn't workin'

A new plan.

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

You are going to get right back on the bridge and I hope you you don't fall off. There is a son? I may be wrong but have you mentioned him before? Just because you aren't back with her does not mean God has not answered your prayer. Don't blame God! I don't beleive he is going to bless this relationship until you both show some self respect to each other. Your child is watching your life and hers! Grow up and be a man he can look up to.

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Yeah, but how should I act around her tomorrow?

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Sounds like you are a strong person.

I lost my job last year, then got dumped. And been struggling.

Faith is everything. In yourself.

But that comes with work & not letting the bad outweigh the good.

I guess thats every day in every situation, hey?

More importantly to recognize what aint workin'

A new plan.

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Im trying to figure out a plan to dealing with her. Im very excited about spending time again with our son, but I also want to have some effect on her. She doesn't seem like she wants a relationship or even cares to have one with me anymore, but she is willing to spend the afternoon together with me and our son. How should I be towards her?

That's because she needs you for that.

I would concentrate on the relationship with your son.

Cause the one with her is done.

When you are all together, I would make it all about what makes your son happy & her doing the same. Making those ground rules with her so it doesn't make him worry. Affect him or anyone later. No tugs of war.

Be honest with her about that.

Never stop letting him know that will you love & support him forever, regardless of anything.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Thats because she needs you for that.

I would concentrate on the relationship with your son.

Cause the one with her is done.

When you are all together, I would make it all about what makes your son happy & her doing the same. Making those ground rules with her so it doesnt make him worry. Affect him or anyone later. No tugs of war.

Be honest with her about that.

Never stop letting him know that will you love & support him forever, regardless of anything.

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She needs me for what? Im sorry, maybe Im missing something.
Of course Im going to make it a day about my son. He will be very happy to see me. By the way, he is 2 years old.
Im just wondering how I should be with her. Should I act like I couldn't care less about her or what? This to me isn't all about just my son, it's about my family, her included.

To be dad, but not in a committed relationship with her. Is what I meant.

Maybe you should have a frank conversation about you both plan to nurture a son apart. And the implications and rules that come with that.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

To be dad, but not in a committed relationship with her. Is what I meant.

Maybe you should have a frank conversation about you both plan to nurture a son apart. And the implications and rules that come with that.

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But, Im not sure if she is being definite about breaking up. I think she wants to see how things may go between us being around each other again. I believe she would like to regain our relationship, but the only problem is that she acts as though Im supposed to be the one who needs to do all the changing, shich isn't really true. It's sort of like a game she plays with me, the in and out thing.

Don't ever get involved in playing games , there is never a real winner.

What you do is go along and treat her with respect and just play it cool , that not only shows her your stance it also gives a nice calm environment for your son.

If she wants to play games let her , just don't stoop to her level.

That's my point. A game. One that you continue to play with her.

Here's some things you said:

"My ON AND OFF girlfriend IGNORES me"

"She BLAMES ME for everything"

"I know SHE DOESNT LOVE ME ANYMORE"

"I go back but she TREATS ME BAD AGAIN"

Wait, here's the kicker:

"I just don't understand why everything is such a mess"

No capital letters on that one.


I guess I would have to wonder why you have 4 kids you never see.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Thats my point. A game. One that you continue to play with her.

Heres some things you said:

"My ON AND OFF girlfriend IGNORES me"

"She BLAMES ME for everything"

"I know SHE DOESNT LOVE ME ANYMORE"

"I go back but she TREATS ME BAD AGAIN"

Wait, heres the kicker:

"I just don't understand why everything is such a mess"

No capital letters on that one.

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Yes, I see your point with that.
I don't know why I let myself get caught up in all that. But I just do, and nothing ever gets any better. I know what she does isn't right. But I just can't seem to stop letting myself go through it with her. I just want her to give me a real relationship and have a family, that's all. Im not asking for too much. I just wish I could understand why she plays with me the way she does and if there is anythibng I can do to make her stop and realize that we will never get anywhere that way.

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Originally Posted by darkdays

I just wish I could understand why she plays with me the way she does and if there is anything I can do to make her stop and realize that we will never get anywhere that way.

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Because you allow it , and if you don't make a stand and stop putting up with it she'll continue to do so.