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No Contact will stop all the confusion your having right now , like you said yourself you just don't want to feel any worse than you are now so your letting him keep contact because it gives you a temporary fix from the real hurt.
The real hurt as to be endured at some time , and by keeping contact your just putting it off. Time to step up and get it over and done with in my opinion.
Aha, this is why Ive been putting off too.Quote:
Originally Posted by friend4u178
Is this true when guys say the want to be good friends, or just a way to keep you on the side until someone else comes along. To me, it seems impossible to immediately put someone in the "friend zone" after a break up. A lot of my friends have had their relationships ended recently (as well as mine).. tis the season I guess? And many of our ex's have fed us this line.. few are keeping it up... as I said in my last post, my ex is calling me as much as he used to (I know about the no contact thing, I'm just wondering what the person on the other end may be thinking?)
The reason I went NC was because of the advice here.
I didn't even know what that meant.
So glad I did. Empowering actually.
Getting dumped hurts period.
But to deal with drama after the fact is just stupid. Only prolongs the pain.
The great thing about NC is that you can finally focus on yourself. Reflect a bit.
And who exactly you are. If you choose to. Don't wait.
You don't want to be doing the same thing later in your life.
Some people make mistakes over & over. Then wonder why.
You're young. This is one of many lessons to come.
Take charge.
Its impossible to ever know what another person is thinking,so we can only make assumptions.
The most likely scenarios,going by experience,would be backups.in case the wonderful world of freedom didn't turn out all that great after all.
Or bootycalls,getting the benefits,without the commitment.
Being friends after a breakup,where most likely at least one of the people is in a lot of emotional pain,is not a great idea.
No contact and healing gets my vote every time.
Don't allow the ex to use you as his back-up plan - you deserve a great guy all your own. It sounds like your guy (and lots of others) just wants to keep hanging onto a thread of you in case things don't work out for him.
Very few people can remain as good friends. I think it's best to completely break it off or you always hold on to hopes of getting back together.
Its both. They want you in there lives as a friend, AND are free to go with someone else for romance.Quote:
QUOTE by Ulsenheimerak;
Is this true when guys say the want to be good friends, or just a way to keep you on the side until someone else comes along.
Its very possible and more common than you think. Someone can lose the romantic feelings, but keep all the rest of you they like by putting you in the friend zone. Then there is no guilt because they have everything they want, with a bonus of pursuing romance with another. That's something they could do before the break up, because then it would be CHEATINGQuote:
To me, it seems impossible to immediately put someone in the "friend zone" after a break up.
He is thinking that he has a friend to have a great time with, and still can explore other options without guilt of cheating. Especially if you are going along with his program, and allowing it, by being available.Quote:
A lot of my friends have had their relationships ended recently (as well as mine).. tis the season I guess? And many of our ex's have fed us this line.. few are keeping it up... as I said in my last post, my ex is calling me as much as he used to (I know about the no contact thing, I'm just wondering what the person on the other end may be thinking?)
You have not healed or recovered from the break up. He has, simply because that's what he wanted. He had a huge head start, on recovery, while you where in shock over this break up, and are still scrambling to make sense of all this. What keeps you from recovering as he has is you have not made the decision to heal, and at this point are not even willing to heal, and that's because of false hope that it will go back to what it was, since things are going so good and you're still having even better contact than before. ( Imagine if you are having sex still after a break up, and the old feelings are still intense).
Once you stop all contact and begin recovery, and healing, you will come to see things much differently now, as the focus won't be getting them back any more, but on you getting your sense of reality back. Then you can cope with whatever feelings your having in a positive way for yourself.
That's the purpose of NO CONTACT, and it works whenever your ready to use it. It's a very good tool to have once you learn to use it.
Killer advice.
The dumper is on track, the dumpee is in shock. Disabled.
Left alone with craploads of questions. Ones he isn't going to answer & won't. No reason trying. These are ones for you.
If you have love in your heart, then let him go.
Once you cut those ties, you will recognize why & who you are.
This will open up a whole new & better world for you.
Sometimes we have to recognize what's good for us.
With heartache comes enlightenment.
Go NC dear. You will thank yourself later.
Not everyone is right for one another, even if we thought so.
Update!. need advice on what to do next.. here's basically everything..
SO I went on the date with him and we had a lot of fun (against what you guys told me.. I know.. it just felt right). He told me twice that day that he had a lot of fun with me. We didn't talk about anything serious just flirted a little and joked and left it at that.
That night he told me I was amazing (in his little text.. and I just told him sweet dreams and sleep good)
The next day, 3 times he asked me what I was doing and I told him I was busy with some friends then finally he said, well, will you be free later? And I told him I had been making cookies and he asked me to bring him one. Then he called and said he didn't want the cookie.. he just wanted an excuse to see me. I waited an hour and went over, we hung out and joked and flirted around a little again.. then when I was about to leave I noticed he was crying a little? I asked if he was okay and he said he was just tired...
So he was about to walk me to the car and I decided now was a good time to talk. I asked him and he gladly accepted and immediately said I know I'm confusing you.
We talked about everything, he explained what he had done wrong in the relationship, and how he had failed to communicate with me that we needed to be spending more time enjoying ourselves and friends until it was too late. And I explained that I understood that I expected too much from him when we both really needed to just be a part of eachothers lives but not each others ENTIRE life. It felt good to have gotten that out.
I asked him what he wanted and he said he wasn't sure what he was doing anymore but he knew he didn't want to date anyone else, he just wanted to be himself and think about everything and he knows he's not exactly sure what he needs right now and (he was tearing up when he said this) he said he knew it was hurting me and confusing me and he couldn't stand see himself doing that to me.
He told me he "knew our relationship would be great if we got back together which will most likely be the case" but he doesn't know if that is what he needs or wants right now.
I told him not to worry about me I could take care of myself and if he needed to do this for himself then it was fine, and I trusted that he was being truthfaul, but I let him know I couldn't "just be friends" with him because I would be lying to him and myself and it would hurt me worse, because he knows what I want.
He asked to just keep doing what we're doing and be ourselves for now, but if I was hurting too much he understood and would fight for me again. He said he couldn't believe how strong I was being about everything.
He walked me to my car and told me I deserved the world and gave me a hug..
... now I feel like I'm just playing the waiting game, what do you think he's thinking.. I don't know what to do next really? I feel so close... yet not close at all
Thanks
Oh god, you're being played for a fool as much, if not worse than I am!
He doesn't know what he wants yet wants to see you. At least my ex made it clear she didn't know what she wanted but she also didn't want to see me.
Do as Ive started to do and hang up on all the calls. It actually makes you feel quite good. I feel if I keep doing this for a while, I'll get some of myself respect back.
That's how it seems... BUT... the only reason I am almost positive he is being genuine is because he was drug aroung for 6 months by a girl who "was confused" and it crushed him every day.. he would have done anything for her.. until finally he realized what was happening to him and he put a stop to it because It turns out she was just lying to him because she knew he would always be there for her.
He told me all about it, he said he would never dream of even putting his worst enemy through that.. he wanted to make it clear that he was genuine about this.
?
His actions don't match his words.
He's putting you through this now. Hes meeting you and wanting to meet you yet still doesn't know what he wants. You also don't know where you stand.
How is he NOT putting you through this?
It's pretty obvious he doesn't want to commit but is happy with you sticking around so he can have his cake and eat it too.
If I were you I'd say to him OK , I can't hang around waiting , but call me if you ever do want to commit and hopefully I won't have someone else by then.
He should be nominated for an Oscar :rolleyes:
I have to agree w/ the majority of people here. You need to stop hanging out with him - PERIOD. He's never going to figure out what he wants if you are always there. And you are never going to heal from the breakup if you keep pretending that everything is OK.
Quit buying into that "I don't know what I want" Bullcrap. He knows exactly what he wants, to not be with you, but to keep you dangling around and for nobody else to have you. THAT is why he calls you non-stop when you go out. Not that he's "trying to be a hero" and protect you, it's to make sure that nobody replaces him. This guy is pathetic in how he's trying to play you, and you are letting him!! Cut the crap and disappear from his life. Do I need to remind you how hard it was to hear when the person you love more than anything in the world tells you that they don't want to be with you? In my life the only thing more painful is the death of a family member. You do not reward somebody who does that to you by being their whipping post.
Just disappear, you don't have to tell the person that you're doing NC, because it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with YOU. Quit being played like a fool.
You are prolonging the agony later for false hope now.
Keep it up & you will be suffering 10 fold.
Sounds like your posting away, but not really listening.
I am listening, really, I already told him I couldn't just be friends with him because that wasn't what I wanted and I would be lying to myself and hurt myself worse that way. I told him I couldn't keep getting hurt forever and he said he understood... Idk why I haven't completely put a stop to everything.. I guess It just doesn't feel right yet... but at least he knows now? I know it doesn't matter if he knows and what matters is myself.. but I wouldn't be being myself if I just randomly dissappeared.. I would have to tell him..
We've told you how to go about it and what to tell him , but we can't do it for you. You need to have the strength to do it yourself , and even though it's hard it's what's best for you in the long run.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulsenheimerak
That way the balls in his court and he can't play with your emotions anymore , because you will have disappeared.
If that's how you feel, then go NC.
Take that leap of strength. For you.
Don't wait for the "right" time.
NO YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TELL HIM!!! WHY? BECAUSE YOU ARE NO LONGER A COUPLE!!! He is not entitled to know what you're doing 24/7 and vice versa... that is the part about breaking up. He has broken up with you but is still cherry picking the parts that he enjoys for his own selfish reasons. Get out now and save yourself the time!Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulsenheimerak
BTW, your not randomly doing anything. You are taking control of your life now.
Here's something that may help you in starting & staying NC:
ITS OVER. DONE. HE'S NOT COMMITTED TO YOU. HE WANTS TO BE ALONE & SINGLE.
No more reason for giving your attention in any form.
Don't forget to block his contacts, not take his texts, or check his FB page.
He removed you, now its time to focus on you and you only.
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