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Originally Posted by Lonenexis

update:

I'm trying my hardest to move on. This will be my second day of not talking to her since we broke up 5 days ago. Like I said she has told me not to stress and she'll probably want to come back, but I'm trying not to give it any false hope. I'm going to go completely NC and I don't have a cell so if she calls and I answer by accident so be it. She also still has a myspace, facebook, and xanga full of pictures and quotes of me and comments. She hasn't deleted them yet, odd I suppose. Anyhow I'm going to survive through tonight and start the NC plan. I'm going until my anniversary in September. Any thoughts on why she didn't delete any of her photo albums of just my 21st birthday or comments that I wrote?

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Because she has a life and doesn't spend time deleting stuff that is just a mere memory now. Delete the Facebook, myspace or whatever they are evil.

If I get a penny for every time someone checked those and ruined their healing process, I would be rich by now. (stole that line from someone, forgot who)

Did you read the NC rules yet at the sticky? Because it seems like you're only doing partial NC. If you want to heal completely, you got to follow the rules.

Enjoy your life and be happy. Don't let her get in the way of that. I just couldn't help noticing you said she was the one. Its funny the one broke up with you isn't it?

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Originally Posted by none12345

Because she has a life and doesnt spend time deleting stuff that is just a mere memory now. Delete the facebook, myspace or whatever they are evil.

If i get a penny for everytime someone checked those and ruined their healing process, i would be rich by now. (stole that line from someone, forgot who)

Did you read the NC rules yet at the sticky? because it seems like you're only doing partial NC. If you want to heal completely, you gotta follow the rules.

Enjoy your life and be happy. Dont let her get in the way of that. I just couldnt help noticing you said she was the one. Its funny the one broke up with you isnt it?

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Yes I read it. I never mentioned this before. She broke up with me 2 years ago because I wasn't going anywhere with my life, kind of the same predicament I'm in now. She snapped after 2 weeks of not talking and called me up and desperately missed me and said she wants to be with me. I'm now on the right track, so again maybe she just needs space to remember me and what I've done for her. We're maturing into adults and she will make a decision. Everyone says that leaving her alone is the best remedy. I'm going on 3 days so far and we've been apart for 6 now. Any positives that someone can give me without them being false hope?

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Originally Posted by Lonenexis

I'm going on 3 days so far and we've been apart for 6 now. Any positives that someone can give me without them being false hope?

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I don't understand what you mean about false hope? Do you feel like you've been given false hope? Nobody here has, maybe she has, but not here.

You've gone 3 days, that is a positive. If you feel like looking at Facebook (on a side note, My God does this thing pop up in every question now. This site is truly the work of the devil) then remind yourself you went 3 days and you can put Facebook off for another day. Or at least an hour. Then in an hour push it back another hour. Eventually you'll just push it back all the way out of your life, like you will her.

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Originally Posted by chuff

I don't understand what you mean about false hope? Do you feel like you've been given false hope? Nobody here has, maybe she has, but not here.

You've gone 3 days, that is a positive. If you feel like looking at facebook (on a side note, My God does this thing pop up in every question now. This site is truly the work of the devil) then remind yourself you went 3 days and you can put facebook off for another day. Or at least an hour. Then in an hour push it back another hour. Eventually you'll just push it back all the way out of your life, like you will her.

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Her calling me up to tell me : "Hey I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I just want you to know that I don't want you to stress or be in pain. I have a feeling that I'll want to get together again, so I just wanted to give you a call so you weren't stressing so much. I also deleted you from facebook so you don't go crazy trying to figure out every single person I'm talking to.

I responded: "well how am I to know what is going to happen. How are you so sure that you're probably coming back? I can't just wait for something that isn't a guarantee. If it's not really going to happen I'm just going to start to move on"

she responded: "That is your right, it's only fair. I told that I was probably going to come back because I just wanted to let you know what I was thinking".

^ Everything that she has said can be interpreted as false hope. Since everyone here is a 3rd party adviser and doesn't know her personally, they don't take anythign she has told me seriously. It sounds like a back door plan that if things don't work out she can just come back. Well I told her I wasn't waiting around and she said that it's my right so other than that I only have one more statement.

Since I was stupid and checked her facebook I saw this comment "woah you're single now, me too duddeee. Lets get all the boys togetherrrr!! " This was 1 day after we split. Do people try and be positive like that to keep their mind off the person they just broke up with? There is obviously some excitement there. She knows that one door has closed and another might be opening, but there is no way that she can be that excited one day after. Also is she being strong like that so she doesn't cave in? I won't be checking it anymore, I'm moving on. But since I already screwed myself over, I might as well have it analyzed. Thanks in advance!

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She responded: "That is your right, it's only fair. I told that I was probably going to come back because I just wanted to let you know what I was thinking".

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So the thought that she would PROBABLY come back is supposed to make you wait? Personally, I would be insulted. If I am not a priority, "F" that!

Sorry guy but my dignity and self respect is not to be "F" with by her or anyone else.

Tell her don't bother, you have no time for childish games.

Honestly are these the words, and actions of someone who cares, and is willing to work with you through honest communications, to resolve your issues to the benefit of you both?

It is for that reason, to avoid drama, games, and confusion, that you make your own choice to disappear or not, and not rely on "her thinking".

Committed partners do not leave in a snit, for whatever reason, and leave their partner hurt, and dangling in the wind, while they do whatever they please and keep throwing the crumbs of false hope around.

They express themselves, and see if things can be worked out because that's what they want, TO KEEP WORKING OUT OF LOVE AND COMPASSION.Thats love.

I have no clue what it is you think you, and her have.

She may well come back, until she gets another snit, and needs a break.

Update: I went and spoke with her today and everything is now in the open. She confessed to kissing and having a guy feel her up the morning before I called her and she sounded hesitant. She told me that her guilt was extremely overwhelming and that she was interested in other guys, so obviously the relationship wasn't working out. So she technically cheated on me, regardless if it was 5 minutes before we broke up, or 5 months. She said that she has thought about wanting to get back together with me every day we've been broken up, but her guilt prevents her. She also still isn't sure what she wants. She is attracted to ambitious men and I have shown improvement in this field and told her that I'm going to do things for myself from now on, not her. She used to control my life, what direction I took. I'm taking hold and growing up and doing things for myself now.

She also went out to the club on Friday night and got so smashed that her and her friend made out with the DJ in his booth and then he pulled away and they made out. She also made out with the bartender, then proceeded to throw up the entire night. She told me this and said it was an awful night and her car still smells of puke. So here is another thing that hurts me once again. She has kissed 4 people since she split with me, and one has felt her up. The one that felt her up is being a douche and won't admit that he was the one to tell me originally. I found out through him, not her. When I confronted her, she lied for a little, then finally confessed.

Could it really get any worse? I love this girl dearly, and the whole cheating on me thing bothers me a lot, I mean A LOT. She also made out with 3 other guys in 6 days? She spoke about meeting other people, not making out with every single guy, drunk or not. I don't know. She is still unsure if she wants to be with me, but she told me that most of it is her guilt in her stomach. If for whatever insane reason I ever take her back, I have a very large mountain to climb to get over all of this . I'm still very hurt and know that I have a very important decision to make soon.

So NC starts over again, and breaking it has put new thoughts and images into your head that are not helping you. It speaks volumes about her that she's ummm "open" to making out and letting guys feel her up so soon after 4 years. It's speaks even bigger that she'd throw it in your face. If that doesn't get you to try and break 3 day of NC I'm not sure what will.

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Originally Posted by chuff

So NC starts over again, and breaking it has put new thoughts and images into your head that are not helping you. It speaks volumes about her that she's ummm "open" to making out and letting guys feel her up so soon after 4 years. It's speaks even bigger that she'd throw it in your face. If that doesn't get you to try and break 3 day of NC I'm not sure what will.

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Well you say so soon after 4 years. She has been moving on for like 4-6 months from what I saw. It didn't make sense during those months, but now that I look back, it's very obvious. So her doing those things right when we broke up and then a few days later was a process long in the making. I'm not trying to defend her, just saying that she obviously started moving on a long time ago. NC sounds like a good idea, because she has a lot of thinking to do, and so do I. Also chuff, do you have an aim or msn?

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Originally Posted by Lonenexis

well you say soo soon after 4 years. She has been moving on for like 4-6 months from what I saw. It didn't make sense during those months, but now that I look back, it's very obvious. So her doing those things right when we broke up and then a few days later was a process long in the making. I'm not trying to defend her, just saying that she obviously started moving on a long time ago.

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Agree 100%. Women never break up at a moment's notice. They let themselves out of a relationship and then actually do the break up. The guy is always the last to know, which is why he is always taken by surprise that she can seem to be so guilt free or emotionless. It's because she's already done her healing while using him when he was still around and the guy is the one left "alone and confused."

Read these posts here. I've been here for 3 years. The men all describe differenent women, but the behavior pattern is always the same.

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Originally Posted by Lonenexis

NC sounds like a good idea, because she has a lot of thinking to do, and so do I. Also chuff, do you have an aim or msn?

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Neither one, sorry. You can shoot me a PM if you want.

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Originally Posted by chuff

Agree 100%. Women never break up at a moment's notice. They let themselves out of a relationship and then actually do the break up. The guy is always the last to know, which is why he is always taken by surprise that she can seem to be so guilt free or emotionless. It's because she's already done her healing while using him when he was still around and the guy is the one left "alone and confused."

Read these posts here. I've been here for 3 years. The men all describe differenent women, but the behavior pattern is always the same.



Neither one, sorry. You can shoot me a PM if you want.

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Yeah I agree. Women do tend to get over a releationship while in it. That's way men get blind sided and to us they seem to move on so quick.

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Originally Posted by chuff

It's because she's already done her healing while using him when he was still around and the guy is the one left "alone and confused."

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Why do some women want to come back if they're "healed" then. I understand that not all couples split on bad terms, but even couples that fight and literally hit each other will get back together and they sometimes last. How the heck does this happen lol?

Also she isn't done her healing, she cried a lot of the time when I spoke with her today. I understand emotions get dug up, but even still if she still didn't love me and didn't feel so guilty about what she did she wouldn't have cried. I'm not listening to words anymore from her. Her actions are going to be what define everything, I'm just going to sit back I think and see 1st if I can forgive her and then 2nd if she will stop doubting me and want to have a future. I don't know if either will happen.

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Why do some women want to come back if they're "healed" then.

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She doesn't want to come back, she just wants you to think she will.

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I'm not listening to words anymore from her. Her actions are going to be what define everything,

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That would be wise. Disappearing from her life would be wiser.

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I'm just going to sit back I think and see 1st if I can forgive her and then

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For giving you false hope, and keeping you around?

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2nd if she will stop doubting me and want to have a future.

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She doesn't want that any way.

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I don't know if either will happen.

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I doubt it too, so heal, and move forward with your life, by disappearing from hers.

How do you move on when you know that she is out dating other guys, but that's her intentions? I went on a date with my ex yesterday and she is currently dating someone. We had a good conversation and that was it, then she went back to her boyfriend's house.

I can't seem to ignore the words that she tells me. The reassurance is all but fake everyone is telling me. She told me that it doesn't matter if we stay in contact or not, it's not going to affect her decision. Well how can she miss what she still has? She obviously doesn't realize how much she'll miss me.

Also she said about going out and meeting other guys, but she is doing this with a friend and random guys. She should be going out on 1-to-1 scenarios to really be able to talk, not having a blast and chillen with 5 people with some alcohol in the mix. Does this make sense? She won't even meet anyone or learn anything if she is just having a blast. I feel like she needs to figure out what she is going to do with her life, but that she is outside of the box that I have had her in for 4 years. I was in no way, shape, or form controlling, but maybe she needed to get and have some fun. This fun however is kissing, talking, and who knows what else with other guys. She is only meeting other people with her friend by her side, anyone else think this is f'ed up?

She has free will and her own mind. You can try and rationalize all you want but in the end she is going to do what she wants to do. You can not control her.
If she wants to go out with 440 guys in a year your trying to reason that she should do a 1-to 1 scenerio isn't a factor to her.

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She should be going out on 1-to-1 scenarios to really be able to talk, not having a blast and chillen with 5 people with some alcohol in the mix. Does this make sense?. anyone else think this is f'ed up?

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I think its her business, and you should butt out!

Seriously, do you expect her to do it your way?? What's f'd up is you expecting her too.

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Originally Posted by Lonenexis

How do you move on when you know that she is out dating other guys, but that's her intentions? I went on a date with my ex yesterday and she is currently dating someone. We had a good conversation and that was it, then she went back to her boyfriend's house.

I can't seem to ignore the words that she tells me. The reassurance is all but fake everyone is telling me. She told me that it doesn't matter if we stay in contact or not, it's not going to affect her decision. Well how can she miss what she still has? she obviously doesn't realize how much she'll miss me.

Also she said about going out and meeting other guys, but she is doing this with a friend and random guys. She should be going out on 1-to-1 scenarios to really be able to talk, not having a blast and chillen with 5 people with some alcohol in the mix. Does this make sense? She won't even meet anyone or learn anything if she is just having a blast. I feel like she needs to figure out what she is going to do with her life, but that she is outside of the box that I have had her in for 4 years. I was in no way, shape, or form controlling, but maybe she needed to get and have some fun. this fun however is kissing, talking, and who knows what else with other guys. She is only meeting other people with her friend by her side, anyone else think this is f'ed up?

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Ok, no more mister nice Tee.

Here's the deal man - you are completely insecure with yourself. You are rationalizing this by thinking that you are some amazing person and that she obviously can't do any better than you. How could she miss you, you ask? Here's an idea - maybe she got tired of your constant need for flattery and attention.

She is trying out new things with her life. It's not about morally right or wrong, and it's not your place to judge her for whatever she is doing. You are clinging on the remnants of a broken relationship, holding out some kind of hope that she might "realize how much she'll miss you." That is entirely flawed.

It just boggles my mind how completely deluded you are. You have no leg to stand on here. You are not her boyfriend. Frankly, you aren't even being a good friend right now.

OK, now let me spell this out for you, even though you aren't going to listen:

Leave her alone.

Sometimes I wonder why I even try. But you are worth it, just like the rest of us broken-hearted, lost and confused folks. But have a shred of dignity and get on with your life.

Too mean? Oh well. You needed it.

~ Tee

My girl and I have been together for 4.5 years and have been on and off because she has hard morals that are hard to compromise with. I slacked off in high school and acted immaturely and didn't do school work like I should have. She is strict about getting an education and being an aspiring successful person.

This caused her and I to go on several breaks because she wasn't happy with the life choices I was making. We have been on about 5-6 breaks over the last 2.5 years and I have tried to correct and mature as a person, but it was always difficult. I went to college for her instead of myself in order to save my relationship which was my first mistake.

Not too long ago I decided to take a break from college as a deciding factor in our relationship. It was partly a test to see how she would react since we were getting serious. A person truly in love copes with a person's flaws instead of trying to change them. The other part was myself trying to get a promotion at my current job and deciding if college was right for me. She surprisingly completely supported me, which shocked me like you wouldn't believe. After about 3 months I got my promotion and I still don't make good money but it's a stepping stone and the first aspiring move I've ever made on my own terms.

Well soon after she realizes that her morals keep creeping up on her and she is repressing her feeling that I need to be successful for her to stay with me and get through college. She decides to go on a break and I realize that this is an issue and keeps happening.

I take the mature decision and break it off with her the very next day and we have a face to face discussion about how we were each other's first love, and we love each other very dearly, and our relationship is perfect except her morals causing her to be uncertain with me. We talked about how our relationship is perfect in every single way except this one big important factor ( which I completely understand ). Everything goes great and we break up on good terms with complete NC. We both agree that we need to spend a good amount of time apart to realize if each other is actually the "one" we want to share our lives with.

I realize that even though it hurt me very deeply to let her go, if our relationship has a chance to be salvaged , we needed space to figure out if that person is really essential to us. I have a goal planned to get another promotion and sign up for part time classes of college in the fall to see how I handle things. I think I'm doing this the best way possible and I really do believe that our relationship needed this breakup for the better in the future.

Why I have come here is to ask everyone if I'm making the right decisions to work on my own life first, and put the relationship where it needs to be right now and if by giving ample space that there is a chance that she will come to accept my flaws and be content with the rest of everything I have to give her. Obviously I'm not trying to be hopeful, as I have ended the relationship, but I do know that sometimes people need space and need to date other people to realize what they've lost. On top of that, we broke on very good, mature, agreed upon terms, and we know the flaws of our relationship. I'm taking action to be aspiring and do things for myself. I can do this without her, but I want her there too.


Thank you everyone in advance

Your photo has been removed for her privacy.

Wow, I completely overlooked that. I'm very sorry. Thank you for catching that so early on

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Originally Posted by Lonenexis

wow, I completely overlooked that. I'm very sorry. Thank you for catching that so early on

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This isn't Facebook or myspace. It's a worldwide website where anyone can see everything. You never know who or what might be looking at her. I just thought it safer to remove the pic.