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I really feel that you are EXTREMELY insecure in the way you handle this relationship... to let a term like "dating" make you wonder is a huge problem to me.
I almost feel, and I could be wrong, that you are searching for ways to distrust him... that is no way to do things. Why can't you just enjoy what you have without turning a speed bump into a cliff?
That says it all to me. You can't even talk openly about the things that upset you because there is so much arguing going on? Maybe it's just me, that's a good indication that it's time to move on, whether there are trust issues.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kia
I guess I see what you are saying. Like I said, I'll probably stay away from bringing it up because I don't feel like arguing about it. We are trying( at least I am) to build back up trust that was broken . We have had quite a few "fresh starts", so I have my reasons to question, but at the same time I trying to let stuff go because I would like a trusting relationship.
The only other thing is that his cousin is a ho bag and I don't see him saying that what he does is wrong enough. I mean he hangs out with him; we all go and hang at his house a few times a month. This guy is married with two kids, and has had the nerve in the past to ask me if I had any friends that I could hook him up with! I have met his wife quite a few times, because we go over to visit them & it bothers me. We have also gone to a major event, and the guy brought another chick with him while his wife was 8 months. Pregnant with their second child!
My boyfriend just played it off, and said oh that was his " cousin". Like I'm stupid. Then when I told him about how he asks about my friends, he said " oh, he said he was just looking for a new FRIEND that's all". I've never heard him say his cousin is outright wrong. I mean I know that is his cousin, but call a spade a spade I think.
I guess that is why I get a little worried because I don't see a strong opinion against this behavior, but its really not my place to bring it up frequently with my bf; since its his cousin.
By the way, my boyfriend and his family are not from this country..
Personally I think that when a relationship has gotten to a bad lvl of communication you have two options.
1. rebuild the lvl of communication
2. let go of the relationship.
If the two of you are constantly fighting and you feel that you can't talk to him about a behavior that he shows you
And a type of behavior that makes you uncomfortable, well... where can you go from there?
His using the term dating makes you wonder... He flirts with a girl at work like it's nothing... I'm sorry but none of that sounds like mutual respect. It sounds like you are living your relationship with a fear of losing him. I don't know all the details, but just from those couple of things, no matter how sweet he is, if you two fight like that inside of a year, and don't discuss the future, and he refers to you two as dating, combined with you wanting more. I would say you both deserve better. The sooner you contemplate that idea the better, otherwise you are wasting your time with more fresh starts and not enough closed questions. You should never live your life with fear or doing anything you feel is morally questionable because you feel pushed to do so.
No one likes to argue. But if things don't get in the open, how are you suppose to fix the problem? Building things up inside of you will just make things worse in the long run.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kia
How are you trying to rebuild trust when you're too scared of confrontation.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kia
Sounds like you don't trust him.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kia
The problem isn't only his behavior. The two of you have a HUGE communication breakdown.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kia
1) You're too scared to tell him how you feel.
2) You don't like his answers.
3) He just gets more and more fustrated when you argue, so you end up avoiding arguments.
This is clearly an unhealthy relationship. Unless BOTH OF YOU are willing to work hard at the relationship by address each other's concerns, you're just going through the motions.
Well there are positive points, that hold me up from jumping ship so quickly:
I'm in serious financial struggle, and he pays for everything. I do not pay any bills.
He does not go to clubs, or hang out late night, I can usually reach him whenever I need to ( so far, knock on wood)
He invites me most places he goes when hanging out ( as far as I know)
He's very responsible, hardworking, driven, etc.
The sex is pretty good
I can be a difficult person to deal with and he is understanding of me
For the most part we are able to talk things out; more often lately because we've had so much static before so we know each other's buttons
So its not like he's a horrible guy, that's why I would like to work on things
It's great that you mentioned so many great things about him. If you want a balanced approach when you confront him about your doubts, mention those things.
Let him know how much you appreciate him and care about him for all he's done for you. But at the same time, there are a few minor things that bother you. So let him know that you find your relationship amazing and once you've addressed those minors things, it can be even better.
The way you approach a discussion is very important. It really defines the way you communicate with each other. Always try to find a balanced approach. If you focus too much on the negatives during a discussion (or argument), then your communication system can go downhill in a hurry.
I'm sorry, I am just a cynic. I've seen that same scenario with two of my ex's. If you want to nip it before it gets worse and you do break up make sure that he doesn't get to a point where he takes you for granted. Financial issues can do that in a relationship, and for some financially minded men, there is little you can do to contribute that makes you an equal in the relationship. Neither of you are perfect, but you not liking him flirting and him not caring or brushing it off IS a sign, don't let it make you paranoid, just don't blow it off yourself.
Being financially dependent, I picked that one because you cited it first, is never going to be reason enough to stay even if the others are minuscule comparatively. If him referring to the two of you as dating is enough to ruff your feathers now, I would suggest finding a few ways to empower yourself that don't include him. Depending on another for your happiness in the long term isn't healthy, you need to worry less and enjoy life more. With or without him, just try to take those steps, the rest will work out, otherwise you wind up with the smothering effect. And that never works out.
Don't let your fears, and insecurities, stop you from expressing your concerns. Don't let assumptions cause you fear, when you can talk, and have clarity.
Even when its learning something you won't like, that's better than assuming, and the feelings, and worry, that it causes.
You really need to address your fears, with facts, and work together thru honest communications, to resolve your problems..
No communications =No relationship.
Maybe that's why he defines this relationship as dating, it has a long way to go before it's a growing relationship.
How long did you actually date until you moved in together?? How old are you? and why are you financially dependent on him??
Well I moved in prematurely I know after about 1-2 months. I am 28 and he is 37-38. I am financially dependent because I am in grad school and I have a low paying job at the moment.
From reading your posts you want this relationship to work. You see the problems for you clearly.
If his behaviour is not a dealbreaker for you,I would suggest you talk to him,let him know how you feel.
Ask yourself.do his good qualities outweigh his bad qualities?
The dating comment would bother me if I was living with someone,I suppose 'dating' to me is finding out about the person BEFORE the relationship starts.
Yeah you may have moved a bit fast, and now you have to adjust your thinking and your expectations.
Makes me wonder what you guys talked about this past year, and the whole purpose of moving in together?
Even though you moved to fast before, is it to late to define what you have and identify where your going? I don't know and neither will you without dialog between you.
I wouldn't let a simple word like "dating" bother you too much. If you haven't addressed the issue, then no fault to anyone. Have an open conversation about the subject and see how things go after that.
The texting, personally that would be a huge red flag, and probably a deal breaker for me. But if you can live with it, then that's on your guys relationship.
So I recently gave my boyfriend some money to help with the rent because he was short. This is the first time I have helped him out financially since we have been living together. I have been pretty strapped with my finances, but I decided to give it to him as a gesture to show I am trying to help. So a few days later I checked my bank account and found that I really should have not given it to him because a few things did not post that I thought did already before I took the money out. Now I stand to be extremely strapped for cash until my next payday.
I know its not good to give money and ask for it back, but I don't know what to do. He makes way more than I do and he actually got the money already from a friend in a form of a check, but the cash date was a few weeks after the rent due date. I was trying to do a good thing, but Im not sure what I am going to do for the next couple of weeks. So should I ask for some back?
Also, my boyfriend can be pretty stingy, and on the arrogant side. I am looking for a possible approach to ask for someone with a personality like that. Any suggestions? Thanks!
Was it a loan or a gift? If it was a loan, have no qualms about asking for some/all of it back particularly if there stands to be consequences for you being short. If he's stingy but rational he should accept this without a grunt. If it was a gift, you can either suck it up as lesson learned, or try to indefinitely "borrow" it back when your obligations need to be met.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kia
So why is he borrowing money from you? Force him to hold up his end of things. Do not allow his poor fiscal planning to become your problem.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kia
Which is what the OP did, she loaned money before knowing her own ability to make a loan, now wants to have the loan repaid immediately... what if it has already been spent?Quote:
Originally Posted by Scleros
Why not have an honest conversation with your boyfriend that you made an honest mistake and can't afford the loan that was given. How do you feel this would hurt your relationship? Where is the communication in your relationship, if this topic is a concern?
WEll it wasn't a loan. I just offered it trying to be helpful; but I did it prematurely. So no, I didn't present it as a loan from the beginning
It is a tough obstacle to tackle, but if you sit him down and explain to him how you feel, maybe some type of help can formed. Money issues are a very sensitive subject, especially in today's economy.
Why is he so strapped for cash though?
Sounds like you have a weak communication system. It sounds extremely fragile actually, because you're too scared to confront him. This is a good opportunity to strengthen your communication system.
Explain to him your situation in a calm and respectable manner, and I'm sure he will help you figure something out.
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