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Originally Posted by hungtoronto

Chuff,


Not being the father meaning wot? Not being a provider? Meet their needs? She has financial issue, she doesn't have any saving and are not willing to save, live beyond her means. The kids dads are not paying child support payments so she has to take care of the kids on her own. I feel if things get serious I'll have to provide for the kids.

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If she wanted a father to pay for the kids maybe she should have picked a better guy to be the father. There are billions of good guys who do not abandoned there children. The fact that she can't pick one of the billions is not your fault or problem.

It is not your job or responsibility to be their provider. Look if you are in a long term thing and she loses her job, then for a couple months you'd better feed her kids while she finds something new. But you are not in a long term thing.

I'm not suggesting you be a prick and exclude the kids but I am suggesting that if they want something that's not your job.

I've both been in and seen other guys who get in a relationship with a woman who has a child and it becomes, "get my kid this, jr needs that, buy her this toy" and on and on. Sorry, but that's not my job to be an ATM for someone else's kid. If you couldn't afford the child, you should have kept you legs closed.

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Originally Posted by hungtoronto

Law is not fair to men, I mean potentially I have to pay child support but the kids are not mine.

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I've actually heard about this BS happening. Get a pre-nup defining exactly what you will and will not pay, and child support for child that are not yours should be in there.

Am I missing something here though. I am under the impression this thing is over?

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Originally Posted by hungtoronto

Law is not fair to men, I mean potentially I have to pay child support but the kids are not mine.

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They aren't your children. You can't be forced under any law to have anything to do these children.

You can CHOOSE to help their mother, but that is your CHOICE.

SHE has made her choices. If you chose to be in a relationship with her then that is your choice and you have to accept that some of her previous choices will put you in second place. You will also have to accept that she doesn't always make the best choices as far as you are concerned.

Quite frankly, it is starting to sound like you want to play 'knight in shining armor' and save her from herself. That is very bad idea on many levels. The flip-side of her wanting you to save her from the choices she has made is equally bad.

I would suggest that you both end the relationship until you can enter it as equals which may be after her children have grown up and left home.

Seems every time you post I see more red flags that are fairly obvious.

After only a few months you have learned that this will never work, because besides the red flags I mentioned earlier, there seems to be even more.

The most striking is your unrealistic expectation that you should come before her kids, and in reality, that will never happen, nor should it.

Another is how fast you have latched onto this female, despite the red flags,

Too much, too fast, crash, and burn

That's why you take your time and slowly get to know someone, so you can see things that aren't apparent, and consider what you have seen in this person.

Geez guy, you seem to have leaped in before you looked and now your caught up in something you know nothing about.

A clear indication of moving into unknown territory, without survival skills.

Now what? Either get out, or learn what it takes to survive. She probably sense this about you so no wonder she is keeping her options open. Can you blame her?

Cat, Chuff,

I think we are on the same page here. I always feel guilty that I am wrong but you guys provide me with some common sense here.

Most of the time when we go out for dinner, I paid most of the time since she never offer to pay. I know she doesn't have money so I didn't mind at first but I feel that is what she wanted me to do all the time.

She always tells me that she's not a gold digger and there are guys out there the she know willing to buy her a house and provide for her and the kids. I don't know how realistic this is but I feel that's what she wants me to do.

Here's what I think, I agree with you guys that providing for the kids are not my responsibility. I do buy them things sometime because that's my choice. She want the best for her kids which she couldn't afford herself and I feel that she want me to do that which I don't think it's fair. I think if she want the best for her kids then try to save money and give them the best yourself. She made about 40k a year. I see people making minimum wage and still can provide for their kids. I think it's a bad excuse when she said she can't save any money. Her kids are 11 and 6 by the way.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Quite frankly, it is starting to sound like you want to play 'knight in shining armor' and save her from herself. That is very bad idea on many levels. The flip-side of her wanting you to save her from the choices she has made is equally bad.

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That is exactly what this sounds like. A knight in shining armor only works when someone wants to be rescued. You can be the greatest guy in the word... or at least second to me, and if the girl doesn't want to be rescued then your just a gulliable man getting used.

First point is the kids. They will always come first to her, understand that.

Second, at the amusement park, you should have stayed with the group. It's not always about us. THAT day was for the kids.

And third, she should not be getting free rub downs from a guy that may, or may not, have had sex with her.

"You can't pay? That's OK, I'll rub your semi-naked body for free." What a guy!

Find someone who respects you enough to see that this is wrong.

And dating a single mother comes with responsibilities. It's a package deal.

But with her it's the kids, then herself, and you and "massage boy" are tied for third place.

Go be happy.

Jmjoseph,


You hit the nail on the head ""You can't pay? That's OK, I'll rub your semi-naked body for free." What a guy!" This is totally wrong. I feel there's no respect.

I talked to her about finances. I ask how you and your ex deal with it. She said they put money together. I don't agree with that. I don't think Tiger Wood have his account with his wife. I told her we should have one account. We put money in there for spending and the rest we keep for ourself. She doesn't seem to agree with this idea. We never get anywhere talking about finances.

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Originally Posted by hungtoronto

She always tells me that she's not a gold digger and there are guys out there the she know willing to buy her a house and provide for her and the kids. I don't know how realistic this is but I feel that's what she wants me to do.

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She's a gold digger. Any woman that tells you she's not but won't pay for anything is a gold digger.

I used to date a model and it was the worst time of my life. Like you, I always paid for everything and she would tell me stuff like that, "Guys are lined up for me," "You should feel lucky to have me," and finally I had enough of this emotional abuse so one time, after she said, "That guy wants me" I said back to her, "He can have you, and if you think he's going to put up with your bend over backwards for me attitude then I'd be happy to go find someone else who isn't so high maintence." Shut her right up.

If she wants you to be the parent then she should have kept her legs closed and waited for you. If she's got a guy really willing to buy her a house then why isn't she with him. I'd tell her to take that offer because I'm sure not going to buy you one and take some of your power back.

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Originally Posted by hungtoronto

I talked to her about finances. I ask how you and your ex deal with it. She said they put money together. I don't agree with that. I don't think Tiger Wood have his account with his wife. I told her we should have one account. We put money in there for spending and the rest we keep for ourself. She doesn't seem to agree with this idea. We never get anywhere talking about finances.

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You dated a girl for a few months and were talking about finances?

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Originally Posted by chuff

You dated a girl for a few months and were talking about finances? ?

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Chuff,


We been together total 10 months. I wanted to get serious but I see too many redflags. When she was with me I showed her how to save money, she was able to afford furniture and things without spending too much. Find deals, buy things when they are on sale. I take her to garage sale in the summer buy things for the kids. She always buy new stuff before this and spend a fortune. But what ever I do I don't think it matter because it's the way she spends. For instance her rent is 1450 a month. I told her why not get a cheaper place she said I want to live in a good place. Stats said there are lots of people living from pay check to pay check but that's not me. I want to be able to save for a rainy day. I understand having two kids to provide for is tough on your own but I think it's do able if you know how to save. Like I said, I feel like I will be the provider for her lifestyle which I don't think it's fair.

I think it's important to talk about finances because that's the reason most couple breakup.

10 months is way to soon to be that into the future and passing judgments. More red flags that your moving to fast into this, and not seeing the now.

I got two words for you, incompatible, so leave her alone.

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Originally Posted by hungtoronto

Chuff,


We been together total 10 months. I wanted to get serious but I see too many redflags. When she was with me I showed her how to save money, she was able to afford furniture and things without spending too much. Find deals, buy things when they are on sale. I take her to garage sale in the summer buy things for the kids. She always buy new stuff before this and spend a fortune. But what ever I do I don't think it matter because it's the way she spends. For instance her rent is 1450 a month. I told her why not get a cheaper place she said I want to live in a good place. Stats said there are lots of people living from pay check to pay check but that's not me. I want to be able to save for a rainy day. I understand having two kids to provide for is tough on your own but I think it's do able if you know how to save. Like I said, I feel like I will be the provider for her lifestyle which I don't think it's fair.

I think it's important to talk about finances because that's the reason most couple breakup.

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I think you need to work on some other things before finances with a woman. First you need to set up some personal boundaries and guidelines. For example, if a woman wants you to start buying stuff for her kids the answer is no. I'm not saying to be a jerk about this, if you take the kid to Chuck E. Cheese for a day out with mom (as I have done and this works great BTW) then that is fine. When you have to start buying the daily food or clothing or paying for rent, she has disrespected you and crossed the line. As a man you are a provider, but you aren't a welfare provider.

If you go out with someone and there is a "mini-break up" and she hooks up with someone in between then she was never in to you enough to consider you serious. End it there. You are not to be dis-respected by any woman.

If she asks you to do something that you are uncomfortable with you say no. Don't be wishy washy about, flat out, like a man with a back bone, "no this is the way it's going to be." As Tal said earlier a relationship should add to your life, and if it is actually taking from your life then you have to defend yourself. You are the most important person in the relationship.

Yeah, define mini break. Is that her words or yours.

Never heard that one before. Break is bad enough. Hehehe..

That mini break shed a bunch of light, huh? She's got issues & dragging you along.

Your doing the wrong things by hanging on to her. She's given you enough messages.

How did that talk go. She got scared when you picked up your stuff.

Because she knew you were doing the right thing.

She's out, but wants you to hang around. Be your pal. Look after things. While she's deciding. You could wait forever with her and no change.

Run, man and far away.

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Originally Posted by chuff

First you need to set up some personal boundaries and guidelines. For example, if a woman wants you to start buying stuff for her kids the answer is no. I'm not saying to be a jerk about this, if you take the kid to Chuck E. Cheese for a day out with mom (as I have done and this works great BTW) then that is fine. When you have to start buying the daily food or clothing or paying for rent, she has disrespected you and crossed the line. As a man you are a provider, but you aren't a welfare provider.

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I do have boundaries, I only pay when I go out with her and sometime if I go with the kids and her. But when we go grocerying or shopping for her kids or herself I let her pay. I do of course bought her things on a few occasions. Because I think if I started paying for everything then that's how it will always be.

But with my situation, I don't see how it will going to work. Because of the financial situation and other problems , she can barely make and meet and I am doing fine with my financial. How is it going to work? If I have a good life and watch them suffer without helping. I know she doesn't ask, they never do but they want you to help. It will make me look like a prick in this situation.

I am answering my own question above, but I feel in life nothing is set in stone, rules and advices can be bend a little and are flexible. In my case, too many redflags and problems beyond what I said here that cannot be resolved neither.

Chuff, dating a single mother is complicated, I wish it is simple as you said, be nice to the kid, not be the father. But I think most of the time it's the package deal, you got to be everything a father should be.


I think most of you are leaning toward not dating a single mothers because as you stated, you'll never be a priority in their life. I can't blame them neither.

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Originally Posted by hungtoronto

Chuff, dating a single mother is complicated,

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No it's not.

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Originally Posted by hungtoronto

I wish it is simple as you said, be nice to the kid, not be the father. But I think most of the time it's the package deal, you got to be everything a father should be.

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No you don't. I've dated several women with children. I went out with a woman for 3 years once with a child. I went out with another girl for about a year and half with a child. It's a package deal in the sense that if you plan something out, you are including the kid, but it's not a package deal that you are the provider.

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Originally Posted by hungtoronto

I think most of you are leaning toward not dating a single mothers because as you stated, you'll never be a priority in their life. I can't blame them neither.

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Honestly, I'm not sure what you are reading.

First answer this question because it is my understanding that you are not even dating this woman anymore, so why are you going on about like you are still dating?

Second, what everybody is suggesting is that you build a solid foundation for yourself before you date anybody. Part of that foundation is an idea of who you are and what you want and what you will put up with and what you won't. You are all over the place here and in the end it's her nailing someone else during mini breaks, still getting massages from him when you get back together, ignoring what you say, and then constantly disrespecting you. Those are boundaries and guidelines that she is crossing or has crossed and you have not stopped or put a stop to.

It is clear that in this relationship you are the one who has taken everything seriously while she didn't. It is clear she has taken advantage of your desire for this relationship while not giving as much to it as you have. Boundaries have been crossed, and even if you don't admit it, you know it on a sub conscious level otherwise you wouldn't be to tore up about it.

Chuff,


You are right, I broke it off. Sometime when you're in a relationship, you are blinded and cannot see the whole picture. I just want to know so that I won't go through this again in the future. Although even though I broke it off it's tough to go through it, it's better to post and vent here than try to contact the ex right?


I learn a lot from this thread, I got a lot of important key points which I didn't know before this post. I appreciate everyone inputs, The important thing is take thing slow try to know more about the person before going full speed which is easier said than done most of the time. But I think that's what I need to do in the future.

I think you need to look at yourself, know yourself very well before you can have a relationship. Also take it easy when you are at the start of a relationship.

Just my 2c

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hungtoronto disagrees : play 'knight in shining armor' , didn't want to but look like I don't have a choice here.

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This is one of the problems that I see in what you write. You appear to want to sound strong and secure, however, you seem to have a mindset that, at times, you have no choice.

At any time in any relationship, you always have a choice. If you ever feel uncomfortable with what is going on in a relationship, take a mental step back and look at all the choices you have. Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't have any choices.

By the way, please review these site rules:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html

Cat,


Everyone has choices, Pardon my poor English, what I mean I have no choice is, I have to accept playing that role if I want to be with her. What I should have done is take thing slower and understand all the consequences before even take thing to the next level. I agree with what you wrote.