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When you are no longer in a relationship with someone the privileges go out the door.
That's not a punishment,it's being realistic.
Work on yourself and I think you'll find you won't be attracted to another woman with these kind of issues.
Relationships are learning experiences,we all go through our fair share of them till we get it right.
I mainly became miserable because of the opportunity I was given and so easily turned down.Quote:
Originally Posted by 91s10blazer
Ive wanted to do this job for as long as I can remember and never thought I'd be presented with the chance. Once I was, it was so easy for me to turn down. I wasn't mentally prepared, expectations didn't sell me short this time because the thought that Id ever be in this position never crossed my mind.
Like I said previously, I have numerous very well thought out reasons I would allow myself to leave and knew if it was ever going to happen I'd need a big push!
I felt scared, scared of the unknown. I lost respect for myself and others lost respect for me too. This was a horrible feeling and it resulted in me getting up every morning feeling unhappy with my current position in life. Obviously this showed, as I approached everything with a negetive attitude. This took its toll on my relationships and I think many people other than just my girlfriend started to get sick of being around me. I knew what I needed to do and after my first post here, I started putting the wheels in motion. I was still very weary but after what has happened with my girlfriend, its given me the final push I felt I needed to get the ball rolling!
You have to make a sacrifice to make a gain. Going away is certainly going to put a strain on my relationships but Im doing it to make a better life for us all. My family have never had very much money and have always just had to 'make do'. I can put them in a position where we can have a little excess money and I can treat them to some of the things they'd never be able to afford before.
I need to gain myself respect back and I hope along the way others gain their respect back for me too.
I'll keep this post updated and let you know how I'm doing.
Thanks
I get the feeling you're about to turn your life around and start going places!
That is great and I wish you all the best of luck.
You seem to have gotten it, but don't see it as a punishment, see it as being fair to yourself. Putting your needs over someone that has put their own needs before yours. That's fair isn't it?Quote:
QUOTE by sunsandmoons;
As for the Talaniman rules.
Revoke their relationship privileges?
Is it fair to say that once somebody breaks up with you, they don't care about you anymore?
Even if this isn't true, revoking their privileges feels like a punishment. I understand its mainly to allow yourself time to heal.
Why should they still be allowed to occupy your thoughts right?
We all make that mistake until we learn better.Quote:
It's a funny old thing. I made the classic mistake again in this relationship as I have in the previous, I made her a priority and I ended up an option. Never again!
There will be no void once your happy with yourself. Just sharing, and caring.Quote:
I think once Im in a happier position with myself, I'll not need to look to a woman to fill that void.
Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18- 80, blind cripple or crazy.Quote:
What I have noticed is I always seem to pick a particular type.
Maybe I should move away from that type all together, because I never seem to have very much success with them.
Love 'em all, and commit to none, until your ready, and have evidence, they deserve it. You can do this at your own pace and enjoy it and be happy doing it!
Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I love it Tal! Have evidencce they deserve it!
Hey that's great Talaniman, evidence.
Ive always dated girls whom I liked and rather than having evidence to commit to them or become exclusive, its mainly just happened because that seems the natural progression.
In this instance I don't think I really had evidence at the time but actually thinking about it, what attracted me to this girl was mainly the impression she gave and that was the impression of somebody who cared.
But you're correct about her putting her needs over mine.
Since being dumped on by her previous boyfriend a whole lot with his multiple cheating ways she told me she said to herself never again will she allow herself to get in a state over a man. She told me at the beginning she's learned and that if things become too difficult, she will retract.
That's a huge shame really because had she not have been treat like that by her previous boyfriend, its questionnable whether she would have had the same response.
Having said that, her boyfriend confessed to cheating at least 4 times and she frequently took him back because she loved him.
This obviously says something about the way she views herself and or possibly her relationship with her father.
I guess a question in closing the topic is this.
As Talaniman suggested, Im slowing taking away my contact until Im gone for good (it'll be easier for me to do it this way).
Now say those months pass and she comes home and calls me up either to talk or to ask to try again. How should I respond?
Providing Im in the country at the time.
Also, should I inform her I'll be leaving soon or not?
Thanks
Inform her of nothing, WHY?Quote:
should I inform her I'll be leaving soon or not?
If you heal properly, you will be able to make a good decision for yourself, based on facts, and not just feelings.Quote:
Now say those months pass and she comes home and calls me up either to talk or to ask to try again. How should I respond?
Sorry I don't agree. Disappearing after being dumped is more my style, and attitude. Better on the feelings that way I think. Easier, is not necessarily better.Quote:
As Talaniman suggested, Im slowing taking away my contact until Im gone for good (it'll be easier for me to do it this way).
Don't worry about what'll happen in months to come, live in the present.
As for telling her you are leaving,why would you?
It's none of her business anymore.
I don't know, I just always feel I owe people an explanation. Ive always been like that.
Im really soft like that and I wish I wasn't. It leads me to being walked over, as has happened in the past.
When I really care about things, I find it extremely hard to walk away.
I have a feeling if I told her Im leaving, it would spark a whole load of emotions in both her and I anyway.
Ive just always had this idea that I owe debt to people, it's a huge problem.
I need to convince myself, as soon as somebody pushes the eject button for themselves, I need to pull myself away immediately because they don't deserve my caring anymore.
I think what's causing a little guilt in this situation is because its partly my fault. If I hadn't of acted the way I did, a lot of this wouldn't have happened. Of course, I can't comment on her mental state and this could have still created a problem.
Why am I feeling a guilt I can't put my finger on?
I think this is what's giving me a hard time cutting her off.
Although she did pull the plug on me so she obviously isn't feeling guilty.
I appreciate the advice you guys have given. I need to get over this feeling of guilt though. Its mainly from the way I acted some of the time and of course that now she's in a sorry state, I feel I owe her my support!
If anybody can at least understand this, please let me know your thoughts?
S&M, Let me let you in on a secret that us old people know. The things that life throws at you are meant to show YOURSELF what You're about, and what your made of. Doesn't matter what you're going through, its how you handle it, and the adjustments you make that count.
Not getting the love back, or the job, or the car, none of these things are relevant, but the process of dealing with the obstacles before you, is what passes or fails you, in the test of life.
The good news, if you keep your head, you grow, and learn about YOU, and how to make YOURSELF better, if you have the courage.
The bad news, if you do not grow, and learn, you will be a very bitter old person who has nothing to be happy about.
Understand? Shhh, don't tell the youngsters this secret I have entrusted you with, because I am just a happy old guy, and what do I know about... life, and what they( YOU ) are going through??
I appreciate the words.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I think the most important aspect of all these situations is keeping your dignity right?
I always want to know the outcome before I make the decision, I realise this will never happen.
Keeping your dignity,selfrespect and selflove are important,because if you don't have that there's not a lot left.
As for knowing the outcome of the situations we meet in life-it doesn't work that way.
We can only control ourselves and our own actions,nobody else's.
"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time.
We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek." ( President Barack Obama)
I was in the same boat as you two years ago. My life was upside down and shaking. Everything was going wrong.. I was super depressed, my parents were fighting... my job paid me nothing... And to top it all off, I became super clingy to my boyfriend. I hated going out. I hated meeting new people. Just a miserable person.
It actually took my boyfriend telling me that he wanted to break up for me to get my head back on. It was almost like it needed to happen for me to worry about myself and my family. We were separated for about 5 months. He was partying like a wild child while I sought counseling with my best friend who literally held me up at times. It was so hard. I think I did reach my rock bottom. But you know what? That separation from my boyfriend as us being a couple really helped me and we are together as of today going on 4 years. Yes we have our differences, but instead of me being miserable about his choices, I go off and do my own thing. It was a huge learning experience for me.
Maybe you should tell your girlfriend you need a break. A break doesn't mean the relationship is over.. But you need to start focusing on you so that way you CAN have a healthy, stable relationship with your girlfriend. In order for her to be happy with you, you need to find that happiness within yourself first. Trust me, no one is going to show you how to be happy or content... That's something you need to find out for yourself. And in the end, maybe you two will be happy with each other and live a long life together.
Good luck!
Ive made a mistake already.
Ive been NC for 3 days and my ex called me last night. I didn't answer. I later got a text saying 'I understand if your hurt, but Im really worried your going to meet somebody else and its killing me'
I did nothing for a while then replied more out of annoyance than anything else.
I sent her a text back, I know Im an idiot!
I simply said.
'That is a right you forfeit once you gave me up'
She then replied saying 'I gave you up because I was being horrible to you and I don't want you to deal with me. I need to get back to feeling like myself'
I didn't reply but this left me feeling lost and confused again.
She wasn't treating me very well towards the end, she was very snappy because she was sleeping about 4 hours a night. But when she broke up with me she said it was because she didn't know what she wanted. Also lets not forget when she asked for a break a few weeks earlier because she didn't know if she wanted to be in this relationship anymore. Now I'm left feeling like she has broken up with me to 'protect' me.
This especially doesn't seem to line up, because when Id previously asked her on the phone if when she's better she will give us another chance, she said she may depending upon how she feels about us.
Anyway,
She sent another text later in the evening stating 'im finding it hard to move on because I'm hurting, you're the love of my life and I don't want anyone else'
I also didn't reply to this but it was really hard!
Can anybody shed some light on what is going on here?
I know you guys are going to say continue with the NC which I understand.
I just think I'd be better with my NC if I had a better understanding of the situation.
Like she said she didn't know if she wanted to be with me and couldn't promise us another chance when she gets out of her sorry state. As soon as I showed signs of disappearing she's telling me she only left me because she knew she was hurting me. She still maintains she doesn't want anybody else which she told me from the beginning. I think her initial line the other month was, I don't want to be in a relationship with you or anybody else. If this is true, why make me feel like she's doing me a favour by splitting with me, yet making it feel as though there's still hope.
If you want answers, then go find them from her. We can't read her mind.
The reason we suggest NC is for you to heal from the break up. But it doesn't sound like you're ready to heal because you have the need to answer these questions.
The question is, how important are the answers? These types of questions are a bottomless pit. Every time you answer a question, there's going to be new ones.
At some point, you'll decide that enough is enough. That you won't care about the answer anymore and that you will focus on healing. Until that day comes, you can go prolong your suffering by asking questions and wanting answers.
Check out my signature for NC related threads. You're at the stage where the pain gets worst, but you can't handle it, so you break NC again and again, as a result, reseting your progress on the recovery process.
We recommend NC, for you to recover from the mixed bag of emotions, that break ups make you feel. As you see, it only takes a little contact to bring back all those very confusing feelings, and wonder all types of questions, the mind can bring forth. Take this as a lesson to what any kind of contact brings because a completely healed person would have a clear objective mind, in which to get to the issues, and cut through the emotions, to get answers and see more than "what do they mean by................".
You need more time without her stirring up your mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunsandmoons
You need more time to heal. See where you are at in 6 months. She obviously doesn't know what she wants and needs time as well. In the meantime get out and move on, heal. Stick to NC
Back to NC,unless you want more confusion.
Don't fall into the trap of letting somebody else's mindgames set you back.
I guess the answers are quite important, but only for the 'want' to know them rather than a need.
What's causing the confusion is her sending mixed messages. First saying its over because she didn't know what she wanted, not she's flipped it round and said its over because she didn't want to put me through her behaviour.
My friends suggested I just get out and have a good time, meet people etc. I don't exactly have a huge friends circle so that would be a positive thing to do.
2 girls who Ive been friends with for about 10 years actually heard of my break up and although I haven't seen them in about 2 years, they contacted me, well one of them did and said they'd take me out for pizza sometime.
I actually turned down their offer because about a year ago my girlfriend made suggestions of one of them having a 'thing' for me and she made it seem like she wouldn't want me to see them.
I still kind of feel attached to my ex and so I turned these girls offer down because I sort of feel like Im betraying my ex somehow?
I don't know, this was stupid right?
They only asked me for pizza.
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