Redhead35- you know what... I did have a short period where I was alone (I broke up with a drug dealer that basically put a price on me) which was a huge step (this was just after the guy I have been talking about first off)... it broke my heart. But I was proud I could decide that. In that time though I tried to end 'it all' if you get me... which scared me to death because I didn't want to be in that situation again. My mum and sister will never forgive me for that, and I am the 'outsider' in the family partly due to that. It felt like no one cared or took me seriously... I felt more alone than ever but couldn't try again because I knew how much pain it caused them. Yet I had no support... which pushed me to the next controlling guy... then back to this one.

And I can see what you mean... he is scared so calls me the abuser because it makes him the 'victim' which pulls on my heart strings and then he regains control.

I can see SOME small controlling things he does. But he is so much better with not outwardly putting me down or talking other girls up. But I guess he won't do that so much anymore because I put my foot down, said it was wrong, and now he has to find other ways to manipulate and pull me down.

And I guess the reason I am always starting fights and resisting him is because deep down I know its wrong. And I am going against my gut instinct again (which I ignored a lot in the past and I was actually right and should have followed).

I always made excuses for him because he comes across as SO sweet and innocent, like butter wouldn't melt. And really, he deserves no excuses. And the only reason why I have dragged all of this out is because I am yet again brainwashed into thinking I am at fault.

Though it all seems so surreal and like, it would never happen to me. He would never do that etc. but who says he wouldn't do it all again? He has done it once!

Trust your instincts-dont have anything more to do with him.
I urge you to reread all the advice here,and let it sink in.

God I've walked miles in your shoes,till the blisters tore at my soul,everything your saying I said,and it took me a long time to see the abuse and then the courage to get out,my problem was he would not stay gone and pull me back in...

Get help,get support from your family,sink or swim.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

god ive walked miles in your shoes,till the blisters tore at my soul,everything your saying i said,and it took me a long time to see the abuse and then the courage to get out,my problem was he would not stay gone and pull me back in...

get help,get support from your family,sink or swim.

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But from what I said in the last few paragraphs, do you think that is still abusive? What I mainly mean is he is generally better now, doesn't outwardly talk down to me.
But he will say - 'i used to think negatively of you/ think you were big,. but I realised you are realistic and I don't think you're big now now... '

'i love your figure now, but if you had that figure back when I met you I wouldn't have been attracted to you'

'if you had a skinnier bum when we met then I would have been more attracted to you... but I was an idiot and that's not realistic, and I love it now'

'im going to write down everything you get mad at me for... if the reasons you get mad are ligit then you don't have anything to worry about!'

'you keep bringing up the past, and I have listened and understood but you need to get over it'

'you are being abusive by yelling at me and from throwing things (in the past), and I don not deserve this' (as I said, I yell when he gives me the silent treatment as it really frustrates me and its like a way for him to just shut me down so I get off topic/ back down and say I am wrong.

He goes out clubbing if we have a big argument, yet if I did that he would HATE it. But he says he 'needs to' so he can 'get his mind off things'. If I do it... (which I don't because I am not a fan of clubbing/ feel really ripped up inside when we have a fight and can't get myself out) then apparently I do it out of spite

Do they seem controlling to you? They are more few and far between these days, but what gets me is he still can't see anything wrong with them... and also, maybe they are just more sparse because I won't sleep with him/ commit to him so he has to be on 'better' behaviour.

Because he is better than he used to be that makes me feel like he has seen wrong and is bettering himself (as he tells me)... yet the things he says about the past still seem quite mean... almost back handed insults (if that makes sense... )

Oh and another thing... he tells me I am too indecisive (I used to be! Probably because of all the abuse!). I changed that a lot. I could be decisive 100 times now, and indecisive 1-3 times, yet he concentrates on when I am indecisive and tells me I am ALWAYS like that.

Then when I am decisive- i.e. he asked me to do something. I say no, I don't feel like it/ I'm busy. He gets quiet. And later gets huffy at me telling me I ALWAYS say No to him and that e is too afraid to ask me to do anything now because he is sick of rejection! - I say to him its like he is saying 'you need to be decisive, meaning say 'yes' to everything' and he gets angry and says I don't understand etc etc

Oh also, I don't have support from my family. I don't have close relationships with them anymore... and because they have lived a similar relationship story... they think I am the one in the wrong that 'needs to get over the past'... my mum forgives certain abusive people way too easily. And so I am scared of doing that and being burnt again.

He is starting uni again soon, and I feel nervous all the time that he's going to meet that 'special person' he used to always talk about. I can't live my life like this! But then I think, what if I do go out with someone else and I am jealous of the same things? There again... there were bf's between that I didn't get jealous because even though they weren't great bf's, I still felt loved and like they were attracted to me so I didn't worry so much

Its emotional abuse-he's playing with your head and knows how to prod your insecurities.

Can you speak to a counsellor at your uni?

He won't change. He will just find different ways to control you and make you feel bad. I speak from experience. He might seem like he has changed, but he has just found a more insidious way to do the same things. Don't even think of staying with this guy.

Although you started saying that he was abusing you, now you seem to be wavering, even retreating in this assertion.

You keep talking about how he's improved, how he doesn't comment on the size of your body any more - but you're ignoring all the other awful parts of the destructive, noxious dynamic that a relationship between the two of creates.

Amicon and redhead are absolutely and utterly right. YOU need help. YOU need to get out of this relationship where you constantly question your own self worth. YOU need to speak to a counselor so that you can begin to get a perspective on why you stay, yet live in fear and allow yourself to be abused in this way.

Please go and see someone.

He is controlling, cruel, abusive, a bad seed. Choose your favorite word. Even if I only read a third of what you've written I can tell that and the more I read the more disgusting he seems. But forget him for a moment. This is about you.

This guy is too much inside your head. You should being living your own life, not a life that is in reaction to all the things he says and does.

He is bad for you. You know he's bad for you. You say your esteem has gone down since you reconnected with him. There's a reason for that.

Go back to the counselor who told you he was controlling and tell her what has happened. And begin working your way back out of the hole you are in.

And NO boyfriends for one year. You need to find yourself more than anyone I've seen for a while.

Edit: I realize the tone I used was ordering you around and I apologize for that. That is the last thing you probably need right now, other people telling you what to do. But at the same time, it's frustrating to have been through something like you are going through and not be able to tell you "no no!" Anyway, what I learned was that I needed to set boundaries, not just with my ex, but with lots of people. And those boundaries are MY boundaries and limits. I won't put up with certain things and I also accept the conesquence of that is that I can't have relationships with certain people and that's okay. So if you want a relationship with this man, then you will basically have no boundaries. There's no offensive thing he won't do, so you have to decide if that's okay or not. For ALL of us, it wouldn't be and we are aghast that you would consider it. But it IS your decision.

Like all abusers, he treats you this way, because he can.

You looking for answers as to whether this is abuse is ironic, because you already have all the answers you need, through your own examples of his behaviour.

Asking is right, you keep living your life, by reacting to what he says, and then turn around and try to figure out why he treats you this way.

It is you treating you this way. You keep having the same old behaviour coming at you, and clearly you can see what it is.

You analyze everything he says, so you can prove you aren't the cause of it. What a lot of energy you waste in proving to yourself you didn't do anything to cause this.

I don't understand why you can see all of this, and quite intelligently put it all into a logical story of events, yet you still question whether this relationship is good for you.

I don't know what else to say except perhaps read your own words more, and open some windows and let the fog you live under dissipate.

Sorry I haven't been back for a while... honestly... I was scare to come back for a while. WHICH should be assign to me that obviously I know what people are going to say! Then when I did come back all my windows that I kept open were closed so I had to Google my question... so glad it came up! Anyway...

OK, you are right. He is using different, more 'sneaky' ways to get me to question myself. I have to forgive myself for the past things I did but also realise it was a reaction to his controlling me (no excuse, I know... but maybe will help me to forgive myself and stop feeling like I need to make up for it!). I need to go back to that psychologist (tho I am scared because in person I trivialise things a lot... and I'm actually embarrassed to go back and see her. Also, I feel like him ridiculing me about my body is not actually a big deal and that its something I should get over therefore I feel embarrassed talking in person. The last Psych laughed when I said it? )

I also need to walk away and get over the fact that he may meet someone else who he 'gets on with better'... because it's likely that she is just putting up with his behaviour more than me. I also need to be alone for a while and build up myself esteem so that I can see these guys coming a lot sooner and not allow myself to jump in! And hopefully, will start to attract different kinds of men.

He said the other day that he wanted to join my gym, which I have always said that I would prefer him (or any of my friends/ bf's) to come to because that's my little piece of 'down time' and has been for 7 years! I go pretty much everyday. He could not see why I was upset when he said he wanted to. He said it was because it was cheaper and that he wouldn't go at the same time as me. There are HEAPS of gyms around his house that he could go to! I felt it would soon escalate from me saying 'ok, sure join my gym but we go separately' to 'ok sure we can go once a week.'... 'three times a week together' etc etc because he would put the guilt trip on as to why I don't want to go with him. Fact is, he goes out with mates to chill out. I go to the gym. He knows this.

I guess also I feel him putting down my body was MY fault because we were talking about body image etc. and he is 'just a man' so (in his words) 'doesnt know what he is talking about'... but at the same time I feel he did so many nasty things... that he could very well have known what he was talking about. Plus, there were also times when we weree not talking about body image, and he still said things

Go back to your therapist and open up to her/him.
Work on your selfesteem and please have nothing more to do with that loser.

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Originally Posted by amicon

Go back to your therapist and open up to her/him.
Work on your selfesteem and please have nothing more to do with that loser.

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Thanks again for all your time, patience and help... and everyone else too!:)

You seem to know what you SHOULD do,and how to do it,but your still with him,and he's still controlling you.

The gym today,something else tomorrow.

Only you can change your situation,even if you can't see that your in a controlling relationship,could I ask,do your family and friends realise how he treats you? And if so,what's there take on it?

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Originally Posted by racquel58

sorry I haven't been back for a while... honestly... I was scare to come back for a while. WHICH should be assign to me that obviously I know what people are going to say!

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This is totally understandable. I am glad you came back. It takes a while to work this stuff out. One thing that might help is to start a journal and write down the controlling or hurtful things he does every single day. When I did that for just one week, I knew I had to leave. It really helped. Because there was so much that I would forget stuff he'd done.

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OK, you are right. He is using different, more 'sneaky' ways to get me to question myself.

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Yep! He is learning and adapting.

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I need to go back to that psychologist (tho I am scared because in person I trivialise things a lot... and I'm actually embarrassed to go back and see her. Also, I feel like him ridiculing me about my body is not actually a big deal and that its something I should get over therefore I feel embarrassed talking in person. The last Psych laughed when I said it? )

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I'm guessing she laughed because you have no reason to be worried. When you trivialize your own issues, you are channeling his view of you. Like I said before, it's not that easy to get him out of your head. Be patient with yourself, but don't give up. Going to therapy means revealing yourself and taking chances.

Explain to the therapist that it's not okay to laugh at you. If she doesn't respond to that in a satisfactory way, find another one. You can look for therapists who specialize in bullying or abuse relationships, which is what you are experiencing.

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I also need to walk away and get over the fact that he may meet someone else who he 'gets on with better'... because it's likely that she is just putting up with his behaviour more than me.

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Exactly. My ex husband dated for a year after our divorce and settled on a woman and he still has her. (That's how I think of it; I feel sorry for her.) They don't live together but they are a couple. It's been 8 years now. He told me a year ago that they were breaking up and he told me about her drinking problem and that that was the reason. He'd never offered anything personal about his relationship before and I'd never asked. But I did ask one question. Was she drinking when you started dating her? He said no. In fact, they have got back together. I'm sure he found a way to get her back. But the point is that (I think) he drove her to drink. A 50 year old woman who doesn't drink too much doesn't just up and become an alcoholic for no reason. It's a shame men like your boyfriend and my ex aren't stamped with a warning label. "Extreme Hazard. Become involved at your own risk."

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I also need to be alone for a while and build up myself esteem so that I can see these guys coming a lot sooner and not allow myself to jump in! And hopefully, will start to attract different kinds of men.

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Yes. Practice setting boundaries with others, not just him. It's okay for you to say no.

But you will not attract different men. These guys are still attracted to me and I doubt that will ever change. But you can learn to sift them out sooner without being suspicious of EVERY man.

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he said the other day that he wanted to join my gym,

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Say no. There's no room for compromise on this issue. This man is not your friend. At best, he will use the membership to keep you under observation. At worst, he'll undermine any relationships you have there with others and take away the pleasure of going there. And as you say, either way, you get no escape from him.

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I go pretty much everyday. He could not see why I was upset when he said he wanted to.

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I think he knows exactly why you are upset, and you are right to be upset. He's just playing dumb. He doesn't want you to have that down time, because it weakens his grip on you. The gym gives you both emotional and physical strength and he knows that.

Same for your friendships or family connections. He will either make friends with your friends to the point where they are confused about their loyalty (to you or him) or actually damage them by offending them or persuading you that people don't like you. That's what my ex did. He did everything he could to isolate me from the world. He told me my best friend didn't like me (over and over), offended my friends, and tried to hire my close work colleagues for his own business.

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he said it was because it was cheaper and that he wouldn't go at the same time as me. There are HEAPS of gyms around his house that he could go to! I felt it would soon escalate from me saying 'ok, sure join my gym but we go separately' to 'ok sure we can go once a week.'... 'three times a week together' etc etc because he would put the guilt trip on as to why I don't want to go with him.

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Just say no. And keep saying it.

The reality is that you can't keep him from joining any gym he wants. But don't give him permission. That's what he's trying to get from you. Don't give it.

I'm very sorry if our comments made you feel scared. But, sometimes a completely objective perspective is what is required. I hope that the posters are able to provide you with this perspective, and that it is helpful.

I'm surprised that a Psych laughed at you when you talked about your body issues. It's such a common thing for a woman to feel this way about her body, that they must deal with it on a daily basis. That person was either completely inconsiderate (and unprofessional) or they were genuinely surprised that you would have body issues.

In any case, please do go back to see a counselor - it's really important that you have professional support as you're trying to disentangle yourself from this awful guy.

This guy just wants to go to your gym because he wants to stalk you. You know this, and that's why it feel so uncomfortable. He's a creep that has you doubting your own self-worth. I absolutely agree with Asking - say no. Say it quietly and don't get into arguments with him. Better still, talk to him as little as possible - if at all. Remember, he's an expert at this sort of manipulative, controlling behavior. The less you deal with him, the less you have to try and outwit him.

Strong boundaries are really important with people like him. Look up 'dealing with abusers' on the internet - you'll find heaps of advice about how to create those boundaries and maintain them. Read up about the sort of person he is, and how people like him behave - you'll be better equipped to understand his behavior and understand why he is SO toxic to your well-being.

Keep your friends and family around you and let them know what is going on. You will need their support and encouragement.

sorry it's been so long since I checked again! This time I thought nobody would say anything more- then I saw my emails =o) It's really nice to see that people care and do see an issue!

Redhed35- My family don't see anything wrong. They think I am the problem because I am more vocal and 'crazy' than him. Though I haven't been 'crazy for years now'. They are in the same abuse cycle though. I have grown up hearing 'you are too moody' etc etc. Sure, in my teens I was! (who wasn't!! ) but now I am not a very moody person at all! Except when I don't feel good- which seems to be in these relationships. Some of my friends that met him in the past warned me not to go back for a year. But... he is very sweet and innocent seeming and kind of admitted fault at times and so I got dragged back in. And like I said, I feel guiltey because I have taken my time (a year) to decide and have not slept with him.

My new friends have not met him but have heard all about the past and they are in 2 minds. They feel he playes games and I should walk away but they feel like I should just try it and put my whole heart and understanding into a relationship for a few months so that if it doesn't work out I can just walk away with a guilty conscience (for my own good). I have tried that a few times but resentment prevents me each time.

I am so sick of hearing 'i really liked our relationship when you aren't grumpy with me'. It makes me mad because I gave the relationship a FULL shot the first time. All my heart and trust was thrown in there even though I was so broken from my first abusive relationship. And periodically I would give that back to him. He could not see we COULD HAVE had a good relationship if he treated me well. But instead. Its all me. All my 'moody ways', he is an angel... pffft

Gemini54- No, you didn't scare me =o) I really like having direct answers and REALLY appreciate everyone's time with my problems! I think I was more scared because as Redhed said- I know what to do... I just don't seem to do it!

I have been thinking Really hard lately and I really think myself belief system is just ruined.

I am 23, I feel like no one else will want me. When I get comments/ compliements/ whistles from other people I brush them off 'oh they would do that/ say that to every one' (in regards to my personality and looks, but the body image side really does shatter me and worry me mainly). I see othe girls my age who have travelled, finished uni, are gorgeous, have great jobs, lots of close friends, good family ties, are engaged or having kids or buying houses etc. I feel so behind and I feel like this guy has 'changed' and is not AS bad so I should just settle because I won't find/ don't deserve anything better!

I feel like I will leave, then feel guilty for wasting a year of his time and 'leading him on', he will find someone great and get along wonderfully and I will be alone, broke and stupid. I know its sounds crazy but I am just so torn! I want to be strong. But at the same time, `i feel like I will regret being 'strong'.

Its funny, a year ago when we started talking again. I vowed to myself I would never date him and that we would just be 'friends'. But then we would catch up and he would dress up in suits and look all sad and soulful and remorseful for our past relationship. His nose would be all snuffly and his eyes red because he was crying before we caught up and that was it. I was hooked. I was guilty. My heart broke for him and it just played on my conscience. He went away for a year prior to us seeing each other again and he would talk to me now about how he would tell his family about me and he only ever thought of me. I feel like on one hand he is telling the truth but on the other, he knows it will pull my heart strings.

My financial situation is really bad atm. I can't afford to see my old Psych (who pointed out his behavious to me) but as soon as I get an extra $200 I will go back to him.

I actually caught him lying in regards to the body image thing the other day. He was explaining an old comment that 'all Czech girls are hot' saying that he used to live with a Czech girl that was so hot etc. He was going on about how she was a model etc and how great she was looks wise.

I mentioned something a few days later about his 'Czech model' and he replied. 'i don't know what your talking about. I don't know any models and never have, and especially not a Czech one'! Bit hard to believe he just 'forgot' his model roommate that he spoke so highly of just a few days before!

Me thinks maybe to many white manipulative lies to keep up with?