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Friends is fine for those that know themselves, and are not using friendship as an excuse to get back in good graces, with the hope of resuming a relationship.
Ask yourself, how would you feel if your "friend", didn't have time for you, because of a new romantic interest she was pursuing? Be honest.
Generally speaking, I think NC works in those situations where you have a clear dumper and dumpee. The dumpee benefits from going cold turkey as that will put a stop to the false hope of getting back together; overanalyzing conversations and constantly checking out whatever social networking sites that are available.
All this I think is also applicable when you're the dumper who ended the relationship because you were forced to realise that you were flogging a dead horse.
When the breakup is amicable-and how many are- its possible to remain friends.
\ok, thanks
Hm. I knew you'd hit me with that one! I don't know to be honest, things move on. I'm not going to sit here and type about how secure I am in myself and how happy I'd be for her because blatently you couldn't be! The nice feeling of knowing that your ex still cares would soon be gone once she begins to care for someone else and you'll feel the loss all over again I guess.
From that standpoint, by asserting to yourself that you won't contact, or chase her for anything, even if it's merely friendship or company or 'catch up' helps you because you're saying to yourself no matter what happens you'll hopefully have enough distance so that you can come to terms with things like this. Her motives intrigue me for still texting sometimes intrigue me but that's the type of person I am. I need to know, to understand. Has she thought about how our 'friendship' will be once we've moved on and met someone else? Does she want to keep you as emotional backup? This is why I was wondering whether she's confused.. or wants to keep the good things about being in the relationship, e.g. the walks, banter or whatever whilst letting go of the emotional dependency (that she found really annoying in my towards the end) and the romance (that hadn't been a factor for a while anyway due to the fact I had to move out, and on accommodation wise after the failed attempt to live together). I need to let that need to understand go as this is a prime example of a situation where you can't control, and you may never understand whether your plan is to get your ex back or merely to maintain civil or friendly contact.
To me NC is breaking an addiction. Just like other bad habits, these things become apart of who you are and your daily routine. NC is learning to cut ties with certain things you have become accustomed to and the emotional drawback to doing NC makes it hard to do so.
I compare it to quitting smoking. After a long, deep and meaningful relationship, when things end it is extremely hard to break the habit of talking to someone who was a HUGE part of your life. On the flip side, once it is over, it must be treated as such. The more you engage in contact, the more harm and confusion you do. Once you quit smoking, you have to quit... you can't slip up on a constant basis, otherwise you are mentally put into a funk again, albeit it maybe a small one.
NC is hard to stick to, but like any bad habit, it is worth its weight with an invaluable reward to those who can abide by it. The ever so delicate issue of taking control back into your hands, back into your life and keeping it that way so a positive and balanced life can be created based upon facts, not assumptions or wishful thinking. You learn more about yourself and grow more when you face the so called "impossible" situations in life, not when everything is peaches n' cream.
It's a very good analogy for sure. For the dumper, does NC benefit them too, although they don't seem to realise it? Or does it make neither here nor there to them whether you're willing or able to stay friends?
Not to step on anyone's toes here, but in my opinion it is ordinarily a good idea for both parties to gain a fresh perspective on life without the influence of the person they love(d). Friendship isn't always, and as I have experienced usually isn't, a realistic option for two people whom were previously in a loving and romantic relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by Loss2009
My advice is for the two splitting up to disappear from eachother's lives long enough to not let one influence another. Only then can you make a logical decision based upon reality, not emotion or feelings.
Lastly it is important to note that even for the dumper breaking up is never easy. Each person copes in a different way but there are hurt feelings on both sides of the fence.
After a break up, it's very difficult to completely cut contact on each other, because you've created a dependence on each other while in a relationship. So in the early stages of a break up, you attempt a friendship so that you can at least maintain some sort of dependence.Quote:
Originally Posted by Loss2009
As time goes on, it's possible that feelings can disappate and your dependence on one another becomes a natural friendship.
The problem occurs when one of the two people involved begins or continues to have false hope. False hope sets up for disappointment. So if the false hope drags out, (i.e. only holding on to the friendship because the person is hoping to get the other person back, then NC is suggested to help you completely heal from the break up.
Once you've completely healed, then you can always attempt a friendship again, if both people involved are on the same page.
False hope seems to be really key here. There's nothing worse than wanting something you will never have. It invokes feelings of helplessness which IMO are not worth maintaining a friendship. What's the point? Besides, a girl who knows a guy is attracted to her will use that to get favours from him (and vice-versa). IE: walk her dog, do her homework etc.
I think this works both ways for men and women.Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyingViper
The problem is if one person is vulnerable (i.e. dealing with false hope), they can easily be taken advantage of. It's important to have a lot of will power during the NC stage. Another key to NC also helps rebuild a person's self-esteem.
POLL ADDED
Many people have asked whether there is an appropriate or estimated timeline to recover from a break, the poll is to illustrate that we all take a different amount of time to recover depending on various circumstances.
Disclaimer: Please take the poll lightly, as many people can have multiple relationship and could have taken a different amount of time to recover.
I like the poll idea,has taken me 6+ in most cases and 4 years before I was ready for a committed long term relationship again.
Although in saying that I was quite busy during those 4 years,I didn't waste them moping and singing poor me.
Great post Iwish , and I agree with all the other info that's been added , I'd just like to add one thing , I know it's something I personally harp on about in some of my posts (sorry) but feel it's a major and that's Loss of Dignity.
When we are fresh from a Breakup we are not in the right frame of mind to make sound decisions because we're stuck in a situation of emotional turmoil , this leads us to do all the wrong things that No Contact eliminate.
That is contacting whether it be by phone , text , email , FB etc. Not only does this keep us in limbo with False Hope , expecting that small bit of communication back just so we don't break the rope we're tied to them with , but it shows them that they have complete control over your feelings and can manipulate you in any form they like.
They have complete control because you put them on a pedestal , and because your in a state of emotional turmoil you don't realize your doing it for all the wrong reasons , you put them there to cling on to any type of communication you may be able to extract from them , to cling on for grim death if you like. But they don't deserve to be on this pedestal , and the longer it goes the more you start to realize it.
No Contact eliminates this if applied properly , it saves you from doing all these silly fruitless things , so you can get on the healing train instead of being stuck on the emotional Rollercoaster that so many seem eager to ride and just don't know when to get off.
Go No Contact , and you'll not only heal quicker but you'll keep your Dignity , so instead of thinking to yourself 3-6 months down the track when your over them , OMG :eek: how silly was I , how embarrasing did I make myself look , all for someone who couldn't give a hoot how I felt etc. :rolleyes:
My advice to anyone reading this thread and going through a Breakup is give No Contact a go and stick to it , believe me you'll be glad you did.
Sorry for all the clichés , it's almost essential on this Forum :)
That's great! I can agree and relate to everything you said about no contact. I broke up with my ex last summer since then he has been on and off with me. I told him that we shouldn't remain friends but he insisted we did.. Anyway I asked him to take me back several times because I was so in love, I felt that I needed him and I didn't want to let go. I tried no contact and broke it several times, Until one day I thought enough is enough, is this guy really worth my tears or the pain I'm going through. I texted him to say that he will no longer be hearing from me, he did not believe me. However I changed my number the same day and I have not contacted him since which was a month ago. He has tried to contact me several times by email and turning up at my house but I act busy or just do not answer.
Ive learned from my mistakes. Sometimes when we break up with someone we act needly/clingy, text, phone them a lot, tell them how we feel which makes them want to run further away from us, which happened to me when I kept on phoning my ex. When the calls stopped he began to wonder what I am up to, I became mysterious to him again like at the start of the relationship which made him more interested in me. Plus he did not for once think I would let him go, he thought id always be there clinging on to him, so I guess the no contact was a shock to his system lol.
I think most of us who do not contact will sometimes find it hard to stick to it the first time round, but eventually we will realise that we have to let this person go and move on. I gave myself a time limit which did not work for me, so idecided to take eachday as it comes.
This NC thing really works but what happens when the ex moves next door?! He had nowhere else to go except his buddies' next door and I am buying my house so I can't leave anytime soon. Trust me--it hurts so bad that I would so I don't have to see him. In past relationships I've been able to do the NC because we weren't anywhere around each other. This one is hard! I keep my blinds drawn but of course we run into each other coming out of the house. I wish he would just go away! It hurts so much!
Keep your blinds drawn is a good idea. Sounds like you have things under control. Don't worry about him so much, just focus on yourself. Easy said than done, but try your best to pretend as though he doesn't even live next door. Keep yourself as busy as possible so that you don't have to think about the living arrangements.Quote:
Originally Posted by beancat
Wow, what a great post. My girlfriend of a little over 3 yrs asked for a break. I immediately went in NC and it is hella hard. She says she needs space and time to appreciate me more and to really miss me. She says she doesn't know why she takes me for granted. I know why, its cause she doesn't love me anymore. Or maybe she does but its less than it use to be. She said she needs 2 months apart, but I am already starting the healing process. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Life sucks...
I hope that the healing process is going well. Try not to dwell on the reasons for the break up, because you can go in circles all day, which will only prolong the pain and suffering. Think about it this way, the bottom line is that she no longer wants to continue the relationship, whatever the reasons may be. So accept her choice and move forward with your life.Quote:
Originally Posted by adro_is_hurting
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