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amicon, I agree I should have told the truth the first time she asked. I know now that the trust is broken, what can I do though to show her she can trust me again? That was the biggest secret from our time apart, she knows everything now and I don't want to ever lie to her about anything.
Give her time. You can't just do anything right now to make her trust you again.
I guess time is the only answer. This couldn't have happened at a worse time. The holidays. This is my first Christmas without her and I think that makes this 100 times worse. Maybe in a week or two she will have calmed down. Should I wait for her to make contact or should I reach out in a week or two?
I'd say the ball's in her court now.
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Originally Posted by amicon
They're making me spread the love Amicon otherwise you'd have yet another rep point.
You're the first person that actually answered the poster's queston instead of judging him. And I agree with you.
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Originally Posted by Cristoforo
Its not about the posts,it the whole story that has to be taken into consideration because the same lady was involved,if this was a different woman, my advice would have been different.
Think back over the past year,to the first breakup,you could not make a commitment then,and there was a lot of argueing,all I'm saying is the emotional cost of this relationship is running very high...
When she asked you did you sleep with anyone while you were apart,she wanted to know for health reasons, and you lied.. I understand you were afraid to hurt her,but is was a prettty serious lie... she was concerned about sti's/her health,and well when you lied it said that you were not.
There seems to be no middle ground in the relationship,its all high or all lows, and relationships can't survive the yo yo emotions all the time..
Which is why if she decided to give me another chance, it would be the final chance, and I would propose to her again, knowing full well I want to make the commitment this time around and end the "emotional yo yo"
I, too, went back and read your previous posts to see if there was more information that might have contributed to her decision. (July was 5 months ago. Unless you have, also, forgotten the name of the co-worker and the other girl you were going to try dating.)
You feel guilty after the one one-night stand. It affects how you perform in bed with your girlfriend (when you get back together), because you are still feeling the guilt. She was essentially asking what was wrong trying to figure out if it was her or you who had changed. She works it out that you are the one who was acting differently. She asks about it. You lie. You could have said anything else, but you chose to lie. You could have said that it was in the past and you had been tested for stds (I hope) and that even though you don't want to talk about it, it made you realize how much you want only her. But you lied.
Your past does make a difference because the lie continues the pattern of you saying things (like feeling smothered or pressured into proposing) then saying that you didn't really feel that way (which does she take as the truth? She has to make that decision). For her, it is as though she can't trust that you will tell her the truth. That you will say one thing and keep changing it to suit your needs.
Now, you are playing the 'what if' or 'even if' game. Putting the blame for lying on her because if you had told the truth from the beginning then you 'know' she would have been upset about the sex with an unknown woman (destroying something special you shared. I think that is part of your guilt, too). You showed that you didn't trust her with the truth. You didn't trust her to understand that things happen when people are broken up or to work through it with you.
'Coming clean' is probably the only thing you did do right. You just shouldn't have put yourself in the position where you had to 'come clean'. Being honest from the start and not rushing relationships might be two lessons from this that you want to take forward with you.
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Originally Posted by Cat1864
I don't see how either of those things are relevant to this. I thought the relationship was over and was trying to get on with my life, there was nothing wrong in going on dates with someone new. I broke it off with the girl I went on dates with because I started talking to my ex again and realized I loved her and only wanted to be with. And nothing ever happened with my co-worker except that we rarely talk and it is awkward at work every day. Also, I know July is 5 months ago, but me and my ex broke up in April, so 8 months is correct. I don't understand why you bring up 5 months.
But besides that, you do offer good advice and I thank you for it. Whatever happens from here on in, whether she comes back or not, I know to just always be honest, no matter how scared I am of the consequences of the truth. It's obviously better than being caught in a lie. Telling the truth doesn't damage trust, lying does. I've been pretty good at that and I really want to work hard to never lie again.
Ok, I'd like to know why my two questions were merged. I don't think that is really fair and I'd like to know why it was done.
That's good you make that promise, now you have to keep it.
After merging your posts, and rereading the whole thing, we all see a pattern that broke you up in the first place, and now you have done it again, with your second chance.
That my friend is why past posts, with the same person, are so important, and since you didn't correct your past mistakes, you repeated them.
I can understand her hesitating to ever trust you again, and even the extent that you downplay your actions and her reactions, they were big enough to put her on full alert to anything you say whether your telling the truth, or not.
I don't see this working without honest communications, and you blew that twice already.
Do you really think you deserve another chance to blow it again?? Not by my thinking you won't, and I can bet, not by hers either because you have clearly shown, you have not changed as you said you have.
Your actions, and words just don't match. Really work on that, as its more important than another chance with her.
Why do I feel like I'm just being attacked and judged by people on here? No body is perfect and I know I made some mistakes. I was just looking for advice on how to deal with the current situation. None of you actually know my ex, I have broken her trust before and she has forgiven me. This time might be no different, or it could be, who knows. All I know is that I was willing to finally committ. Even though I had the problem with lying, I knew that I wanted to be with her for good this time and I felt as if the truth of what I did when we were broken up would ruin that.
It was none of her business what I did when we were broken up. I don't get how people think when you are broken up, everything you did you must tell the ex, that is a load of crap. It's NONE OF HER BUSINESS. But the bottom line is, she kept asking, so I should have been honest, even though she had no right to ask and it was none of her business. I didn't ask her the same questions because I didn't care what she did when we were apart and it was none of my business.
Just like in your posts all the facts are not present. Its important for good advice, and input from others, to see all the facts of your story, not just the ones you want to see, and not disclosing the previous facts to us, is unfair to all those who chose to answer your questions, and give opinions. That's why the two posts were merged for the whole story, which whether you agree or not, is absolutely relevant, and shows us all you have made the same mistake twice now with the same person. You really need to see that, to get beyond whatever reason you had for lying to someone you say you care about.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
So are you saying if you care about someone you can never lie to them? I don't necessarily agree. Was lying wrong in my case? Yes, it probably was. But I knew she would still get mad at the truth if I told her right away. I thought I was protecting her. I didn't want to hurt her. But getting caught in the lie probably caused more pain for her than if I was honest from the start. I feel if I was honest from the start, the chances of her getting past that would have been 100 times better than her chances of getting beyond this current situation.
I also feel like she tricked me into telling the truth. She said "If you want this relationship to work, you have to tell me now!" As soon as I told her, she told me to get out. I'd say she tricked me. Still doesn't justify my behavior, but I don't think that was fair on her part. She made me believe we'd still have something if I came clean.
Do you really expect her to forgive, and forget, yet again, just because you say your ready? Do you really believe that what you did when broken up was none of her business?Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
Guy without honest communications, and TRUST, you have no relationship, and minimizing her feelings, like you don't care, or think they don't count, is exactly why she may never trust, or forgive you.
I am not judging you, but giving you the straight up honest truth, and so is everyone else. If you don't want the truth, what are you looking for??
You can't commit to anyone until you can commit to the truth, and honesty. It matters to her, so it should matter greatly to you.
Ok, so how is what I do when we are broken up any of her business? We were broken up, we weren't together. I have no obligation to tell her anything unless she asks. If she didn't ask at all, do you really think I was supposed to just tell her every little thing I did when we were broken up? What's the point of that? She didn't tell me what she did and that's because I didn't ask.
The reason I brought those up is because they are a part of your full story. From what you had written in the current question, it sounded like the only time you went out (with someone other than your ex) was the one night stand and other than that you were trying to get back with your ex. It also shows that you were not allowing yourself to work through one relationship (At least, not after July) before attempting a new one even with the ex.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
I am concerned that you may allow alcohol to cloud your judgment when you are with women you find attractive and even if only heavy petting occurs you end up feeling bad/guilty. That feeling of 'guilt' is part of not being ready to move on. Yes, you weren't together, however, your mind seems to have felt differently.
I don't know what will happen with your ex. If you have a history of depression, all I can say is that you need to do things differently this Holiday Season (including New Year, etc.) to keep yourself from spiraling downward and making bad choices. Keep yourself busy with family, friends, and anything that helps you feel better about yourself. Just don't sit at home thinking about the past.
People can handle the truth better than a lie, and the truth goes along way toward your credibility with her which for now is completely shot!Quote:
[quote by Cristoforo; So are you saying if you care about someone you can never lie to them? I don't necessarily agree.
A big difference between paying the consequences of your actions based on the truth, than lying. Lying means there is something your hiding, or some selfish motives to avoid consequences.Quote:
Was lying wrong in my case? Yes, it probably was. But I knew she would still get mad at the truth if I told her right away.
Yes it surely did.Quote:
I thought I was protecting her. I didn't want to hurt her. But getting caught in the lie probably caused more pain for her than if I was honest from the start.
Its easier dealing with the truth, whatever it is, than dealing with a lie on top of it.Quote:
I feel if I was honest from the start, the chances of her getting past that would have been 100 times better than her chances of getting beyond this current situation.
She didn't trick you, you just didn't get the get out of jail free card that you expected.Quote:
I also feel like she tricked me into telling the truth. She said "If you want this relationship to work, you have to tell me now!" As soon as I told her, she told me to get out.
There you go again, talking about what's fair. You have a selfish narrow view of what's fair. As long as it serves you its fair. When its about the truth, its not. Just like you feel its none of her business what you did while you were broken up, and don't care what she did during the same time. That's not fair, to say you care about someone but don't show it with the truth.Quote:
I'd say she tricked me. Still doesn't justify my behavior, but I don't think that was fair on her part. She made me believe we'd still have something if I came clean.
Thats all you have to do is be honest about your own actions. No matter the consequences.
She asked because it meant something to her. So you did have an obligation to be honest.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
She would have the same obligation had you asked her.
Cristoforo you're right, they are two different questions and I don't necessarily agree with questions always being merged either. But I'm not the moderator and I feel they do a rather fine job here.
BUT… the history and facts are important and this is where I agree with the Tal-man. Your previous posts indicate you have a history of lying to your EX girlfriend. It's not like you betrayed her trust once… buddy you've got more strikes than the Bad News Bears.
She asked you if you had sex when you were broken up. Instead of stating to her, like you told us, “It's none of her business.” you lied yet again, and again, and again. You should have communicated to her either yes you did or explain that you don't care to share that information as you two are starting fresh then attempt to understand what she needs to feel comfortable once again.
I don't want to judge you… but putting myself in her shoes, you're a liar. Granted telling her you slept with another while broken up would have hurt her feelings she would have let this go. Seeing as lying has been a habitual issue and cause for past breaks I would hope you would see the error in your ways.
You can apologize and tell her how you feel. After that I'd probably disappear and let her make her decision.
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