Ok guys, since you helped me a lot earlier, I figured you deserve an update.

I'm sorry about this getting so long again, but I have a lot on my heart.
I hope you'll be able to understand all of this, don't hestitate to ask if something is unclear, if I left out something or if you simply wonder about something.

Well, today I got a message from her, saying she wanted to meet up and talk, so we went to a café.

It all started pretty much the way I had expected. She told me that she was really fond of me, but because of her feelings, she felt that this relationship could not work right now, so we decided to end it.

However, I could sense there was something more, and that she was not happy at all (I'm not expecting her to dance after this, but she seemed depressed), so I stayed and tried to make her feel better.

Appearantly, two things had happened while we were on a break.

First of all, she had had a big fight with her mother, plus her father, who usually comforts her, but at the time he was really drunk and they really hurt her (for the record: not physically).

The second thing was that she got really, really drunk on Saturday, and ended up sort of fooling around with a guy. They kissed a little, and went to bed together but nothing actually happened (I got this confirmed from some of her friends who where there).

She told me, which I totally believe, that she regretted it like hell, and that she feels broken inside. She also told me that she doesn't want to hurt me like this, and that I deserve better.
Of course, this broke my heart.

First of all, the thought of my girlfriend kissing with someone else was in the first place (and the first situation) bad enough, if not to end up in bed with someone.

But I don't want to watch her this depressed, and I don't want to see her have such a messed up home as she as, either.



I don't really know why myself, but somehow, I wasn't even able to get really mad at her because of what happened in the weekend. I know it makes no sense, but I explain it with the fact that I really care too much about her, and lover her way too much to be angry with her in such a way.

Second of all I felt too sorry for her to be angry at the time.

Third of all, as I have stated earlier (to you and to her), the most important thing to me is that she is happy and lives a good life. So I was more focused on helping her, as she obviusly was very low down, than being angry on her.

And last of all, for some reason I excuse her for all of it, given how messed up her life is right now. I can't really blame her for doing things she might regret right now, because I know I would be just as confused as her in her situation.

She seems to me like she might be getting towards suicidal (again, I should say), and even though many would have been to broken hearted after 1: the break-up 2: hearing about what happened in the weekend, I just couldn't leave her there so sad and messed up, so I decided to stay there and talk with her.

The further into the conversation we got, the more sure I got that she might become suicidal. She seems like she has given up hope. I managed to talk her into better thoughts, and cheer her up a bit. I promised to help her as good as I can.

Where I come from, having the school nurse sending you to a phsyciatrist etc. is not really uncommon, and I know that she has talked to the nurse earlier, and that the nurse is working on getting her a phsyciatrist. The problem is, I don't think she can wait. Her thoughts are getting more and more self-destructive by the day. I decided to go, with her, to the nurse tomorrow in an attempt to speed up the process.

During our primary talk, basically about the relationship, I told her that I love her and wanted her to know that I care about her.
After realizing how far down she is now, I decided to be there for her when she needs me - and told her so. I told her that while being her boyfriend, the most important thing for me was that she was happy, and that when I'm not her boyfriend, that still is the most important thing for me.

I also told her that I would always be there for her when she needs me, and that she can call me anytime she should need me,

I realize this might be denying the break-up, and at least not the way to go to get over her, but I just care too much about her to watch her life get ruined over this without at least trying to help her out.

Later in the evening, she had to go home, and I told her I wanted to follow her. When we got to the doorstep, I gave her a big hug, and she started to cry.

I told her that I love her (note: in my language, we have a different word for to love someone as a friend, but in a stronger way than just caring about them. I used that word), and she told me the same. Then she had to go inside.

A bit later, she called me just to tell me the same thing.

Later we chatted a bit online, I tried to cheer her up a bit more. She told me that I was an angel and unhumanly (can I use that word in english) kind, and that I couldn't be a nicer person.

I don't know what to feel right now, really.

I feel broken down by the break-up.
I feel broken hearted by the weekends incident.
I feel really, really sorry for her and want to help her as good as I can.
I feel like I should move on now, because chances are that she is.
I feel like I could sense that she haven't given up on our relationship for ever. I don't want to be her second option, but if she in time, let's say a couple of weeks, when her life is on a better track and her mind is clear again, feels in the old way to me, I don't want to have ruined things because of no contact.

You can call me naïve, but I have a feeling that her mind is to filled and stressed from all of the things going on for her right now, with our relationship, her being confused with her feelings, her home situation getting worse and worse, trouble with schoolwork, a messed up body (she goes to two specialists at the moment) and she appearantly is really broken down by the weekend. It seems to me in a way that she needs time to really get her life back on track, and that dealing with me and our relationship while doing that is too much, but that she doesn't want to end it forever.

In one way, I can't really understand myself why I can forgive her so easily for what happened in the weekend, and feel like I'm letting myself get used.
But on the other hand, I feel like I'm doing the right thing. Both for myself and for her.

Thank you for reading all of this, and I would really appreciate any answers and tips!

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but once again you are showing what a compassionate person you are. You have already done a lot of right things – being direct, listening to her, being specific about getting help (the nurse) and asking her to call you if she needs someone to talk. I would give you the following tips:

1. She needs to see a professional. I know you are planning to see the school nurse tomorrow. Don't delay, and don't let her talk herself into thinking she's okay. If she doesn't go on her own, notify the nurse or another authority anyway.
2. Trust your instincts. The fact she's attempted suicide before puts her at greater risk to try again.
3. I don't think you are doing this, but don't try to argue her out of it. Let her know you care and there are treatments that will help. Don't try to tell her she doesn't have reason to do this or that she will hurt others by doing this. That will add to her feelings of hopelessness.
4. Reassure her that help is available, that depression is treatable, and that suicidal feelings are temporary. Life can get better!
5. Do you have a crisis line in your country that you can call? They can give you info and they can talk to her.
6. Be sure to take care of yourself as well. It can be very scary when someone close to you is contemplating suicide, and it can be difficult to talk about it. Find someone that you trust, whether a friend, other family member, religious member, or counselor, to share your feelings.

Another little update.

As far as her goes, I believe she actually is on the right way. She has talked with the nurse herself, plus a good friend and me, and she seems to be getting better already.

As far as our relationship goes, I'm sticking with my "plan" to be a supportive friend right now. However, she revealed something for me today.

She heard about what happened to me at school today, basically I had a breakdown and ended up crying for an half hour.

I didn't realize she knew it, but we talked a bit this evening. She told me that she has realized what she's done now, that she regrets all of the stupid things that she has done and that she wish we just couldve been together now, like in the old days. She told me how she had tought of all the nice times whe had had together.

She also told me that she wasn't sure how she felt. She still has feelings for me. She still has feelings for my best friend. She doesn't want to hur me anymore she says.

I think she is really confused, as she has a lot to think of and handle in her life right now, with the relationship thing, her home situation, schoolwork, depression in general plus her injuries (or body issues).

I told her that she should take time to think through what she really wants, and then do that, and whatever it is I will respect it and understand it.

Just thought you would like a little update. As usual, don't hestitate to ask about anything and thanks for all the help!

You've decided to be the supportive friend and that is of course your choice,but many of us here would advice you to have no contact with her to make it easier for you to heal.
Which brings me to my questions,do you have people supporting you?
Friends to talk to,things to do to make you feel better? I hope you do. You need to look after yourself as well.
(and your English is amazing-can I ask what your first language is?)

Thanks, my first language is Norwegian.

I know that many would recommend no contact, and I have considered it, but decided against it.

First of all, I simply can't leave her like this, I've got to help her. If I will start on no contact, it will for sure be after I'm convinced that she will be OK without me. Right now, I don't think she will be.

Second of all, I still haven't given up on us being together again in the future, be it two weeks or two months. She has stated a wish for this herself, as well.

But currently, I'm trying to move on and be a supportive friend at the same time, while I'm keeping a hope for us getting back together. Those things might not match up very well, but I've decided to do it this way. If the situation hasn't change before the christmas holidays, I will probably start moving on from a boyfriend relationship, but I still care too much about her to not help her through this mess.

I guess I can say I have people supporting me.

My best friend (yes, the one mentioned in this thread) is helping me actually, though it's a bit hard for him as well as he is going through a little rough time because of this (so I try to help him too). Another friend of mine has offered me help, but I'm not ready to talk to him about it right now.

Two of my teachers at school kind of figured something was up when I cried for half an hour, so I spent a lot of time at school today talking with them, which really helped, made it easier to look at at things from a different perspective.

Thanks a lot for the reply!

That's good, you have people to talk to and understanding teachers.
I hope you're eating OK and sleeping all right and coping with your school work.
It's a tough situation for you
I wish you all the best.
(and I kind of thought you were from one of my neighbouring countries-I'm Swedish så jag säger god natt-sov gott.)

Thanks.

I'm eating, but certainly less than usual. I'm on one or two meals a day, I just can't eat more. I'm sleeping all right, a little less than usual but what else can I expect?

I'm certainly not overmotivated for the school work, but I still do it. So I more or less get on pretty well, I think.

Thanks a lot for the good words and thoughts.

Tusen takk for all omtanken (:

For every day and every hour that passes, I miss her more and more. Not only as my girlfriend, but I miss seeing her (literally). At one point, I seriously considered walking past her house a number of times until I would see her through her window, just to give me a little peace of mind, knowing that she is okay.

I think, however, that I'm going to try to establish no contact for a while with her. At least from my side. I have pretty much made it clear how I feel for her, and how I am there for her if she needs me.

I have yet to speak to her since the break-up, except for a lot of messages on MSN and a couple of messages on the phone. (Text).

I think that she might need some time to think through what to really do, whether it be to keep in contact with me, to try and fix our relationship or just break it all of.

She has, however, repeatedly told me how she regrets hurting me, that I deserve better, that she misses me and what we had, and that she wish we could just be together like we used to. At the same time, she told me it was hard for her, as she still was confused.

So, I will do my very best to not contact her at all. I will give her time to think, to breathe, to heal and hopefully to miss me. She knows by now, that if she needs me, she can contact me.

I would appreciate any replies!

You do have a life you enjoy, that makes you happy besides being with her don't you??

Hej again! I think no contact for you now is a very wise option-you need time out and time to clear your head. Have you read the stickies at the top you of the relationship page-lots of good advice there. It's tough trying to stay in the friendzone after a breakup. You need time to heal and start getting your life back on track. Be good to yourself now. Allt gott.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You do have a life you enjoy, that makes you happy besides being with her don't you???

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While I think it's fair to say, she has contributed a lot to my happiness for the past year, I do have other parts of my life that makes me happy.

I have been down earlier in my life as well, and about three weeks ago I felt happier than ever. I thought about it at the time, about what made me happy.

The list I found out was:

My girlfriend.
My best friend.
My new school and class*.
My band.

*I don't know very well how the education systems works in other countries, but at least here in Norway, when you're sixteen, there's a new school system to go to. This one is volunteer, but free.

In march the year you begin here (the semester starts in august), you have to fill in your three wishes as to what sort of line you want to go. That could be one aimed at further studying at a university, or at becoming a carpenter etc.

Now, the problem is, a reason that I like it so well in my new class is that my best friend goes there.
And he also plays in my band.

So, even though I believe we are pretty much square as of now, it's easy to tell there still is some tension. Both of us are going through a bit of a rough time.

I feel very jealous right now. I don't want to, but I just can't stop. I don't really think it's very surprising that I do though, having been cheated on twice in a week. But I constantly have a feeling that my best friend is having a relationship with my girlfriend, being more than just a friend to her.

He has guaranteed me that there isn't, and I don't think she is mentally ready to do such a thing right now. And she has told me that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, and she knows that if I get that situation as well right now, I don't really know what I should do. I will for sure be devastated.

This got a lot longer than I had thought, but it would be fair to say that I am having troubles having fun right now.

The best time I have is at school. Sometimes, it's a drag. I often feel depressed, and sometimes get breakdowns where I just sit and cry. Other times I'm able to go quite a while without thinking too much about it. I think my record by now is an hour without thinking about it.

After school, I have tried to spend some time with my best friend, but it's hard for both of us. When I'm home, I sit and worry, listen to depressive music, listen to music that reminds me of her, constantly check my mobile, MSN and Facebook to see if she has sent me any messsages.

Thanks a lot for the reply!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by amicon

Hej again! I think no contact for you now is a very wise option-you need time out and time to clear your head. Have you read the stickies at the top you of the relationship page-lots of good advice there. It's tough trying to stay in the friendzone after a breakup. You need time to heal and start getting your life back on track. Be good to yourself now. Allt gott.

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I have already read the stickies I found relevant, and a lot of other threads on the forum as well. They helped a lot :).

Yes, that's what I reckon as well. Thanks a lot!

I think she might be going no contact on me as well. She has not answered any of my messages for a while, though I know that she has seen them.
I'm not sure why, though.

I'm guessing she might do it for herself, because she needs time.
Either that, or because of that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, or that she doesn't want to give us another shot.

Anyway, I've decided to maintain no contact. I'm going to do my best to let her go.

I know that she will still have a place in my heart, and if she soon enough comes to me and wants me back, I might want to give it another shot. However, I don't want to pressure her - at all, so I'm going to leave all communication between us for her to initiate.

Thanks for all the replies.

Stay no contact and I hope you feel better soon.
Keep us posted.
Take care.

Thanks a lot :) .

Today at school, I felt really bad and felt close to a breakdown. One of my teachers obviously noticed this, and made me talk with him (the one I've been talking to for the past week).

Basically, the talk made me be even more confident about my idea. My plan now is to try and not think about her as much as possible and try to enjoy life without her. I will not initiate contact with her. She knows by now that I'm here, so if she really needs me, she will come to me.

I think she needs time for herself now, whatever her decision might be for her/our future.

So, as I said, I won't be contacting her. I've decided that if I haven't heard from her at all in two weeks time, I'm going to contact her (assuming that I can hold out that long), hopefully just briefly, by asking how she is etc.

I will be keeping you posted on how things are going.

Hang in there-one day at the time and you'll be fine. :-)

Okay, a short update from me. The 3rd, I got a message from her, just short, asking how I was doing. I replied and asked the same. I tried to keep it as short and friendly as possible, although it was hard for me.

Yesterday, I had my first day of full no contact. It was very hard. In the first classes at school, I was able to keep a mask on, at least I believe I did, and wasn't too far down.

A bit later in the day, I had two classes where I didn't do too much, I got really down and wished for a message from her. I managed to keep myself from crying this time though, barely.

In the evening, I really started to accept the fact that we, as in me and her, might never be again. It was painful for me, but at the same time a good feling, that I was able to start letting her go.

This morning, as I woke up, I could really feel the broken heart again. It felt as if the enitre last day was wasted, and that I was back at the beginning. Now, however, I feel better again.

The last few days have generally been better. I'm not crying as much as I used to, and I have fewer breakdowns at school. I am not feeling as depressed as I used to, and I'm starting to eat more as normal again.

I still have very strong feelings for her, and miss her a lot, and honestly I still want her back. It's hard for me not to think about her, I just miss her so much.

But I think that now, I will be able to move on. And I think that's just what I'm going to do. It will be hard, and painful, but I'm convinced it's what I should do. I don't mean in the sense of getting over my feelings for her, that's something I know I won't be able to do right now. I mean getting over the break, and getting used to and accepting the thought of us not being a couple anymore. (Yes, I still haven't done that completely).

I will take day by day, and in some near future, if I haven't heard from her yet, I've decided to contact her, just to check up on her.

I'm convinced I need to move on, and don't leave myself hanging.
If she, against my doubts and according to my dreams, should come back to me and want me back, that's something I will have to face then. Right now, I would know it would be hard because of all that has happened, but deep inside I would want the same, and if she tells me the right things, and I'm convinced it's what she wants, I will want to try again.

In the future, who knows. She told me some days ago that maybe we would be together again sometime in the future, but she doesn't know right now.

I have a dream of that happening, that she will come back to me, but I know that I can't just pause my life until that happens. I'm not talking about going out on dates next weekend, that I won't be able to do - neither would I want, but I can't just sit here and wait for here to come back either.

Thanks for all the replies, they have really helped. All of them, especially amicon for repeadtly checking in, and being a great help, and talaniman, you seem to always know what to do (I've read up a lot on the forums), and say the right things. Thanks to you both, and thanks to you all.

I think you have reached some very mature decisions in a very short space of time-well done! You're on the healing path now,there will be lows and highs but time and patience with yourself will work wonders. Please keep us updated-and thank you(mange takk!) for your kind words.

Your grieving, mourning the "death" of a relationship you thought a lot of. That's so very human, and shows how much you cared.

It will take time, so be patient with yourself. Its not easy to fill the hole in your soul, but stay busy with family, good friends, and activities you enjoy. Be good to yourself, as you deserve it.

>cyber hug<

talaniman:

Thanks a lot for your kind words, and your help talaniman.

I will definietly do my best to do that, staying busy has worked very well so far. The hardest times are no doubt the times when I'm alone, not doing much, and the thoughts start to fly.

Again, thanks a lot talaniman. *Hugging you back*

amicon:

Yes, I know it will be hard, and there will be ups and downs. As I've read somewhere on this forum, which I'm going to try my best to always remember, is that there isn't a low after every high, there's a high after every low.

Thanks a lot for your kind words.
I will be keeping you posted, no doubt.