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Originally Posted by tara1

It doesn't add up.

So which one is better according to you - love whole heartedly, or have people leave you b'cos they feel they are giving up more of themselves to you than you to them?

Otherwise, nice post.

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It's not supposed to add up. This is just the way that relationships work. There is NEVER an equal amount of love from each side. If every relationship were to be everlasting then my post would not be sensible. Everyone wants to have the upper hand, no matter what the situation. This is what we all come to realize when relationships end and the person who you thought loved you has now become manipulative, mean spirited, etc.

In my opinion, it's better to have someone leave you because they feel you aren't giving enough of yourself rather than to sacrifice your heart for another. Of course, being an a--hole is one thing, but their expectations must be checked by reality. Remember, giving enough love and commitment to someone and their perception of it are two different things. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want to be loved doesn't mean that they don't love you. When someone feels this way it's because they are insecure entering the relationship and have issues with themselves and their ability to receive love, in whatever form or are dreamy, flaky, etc.

Personally, I'd rather give someone my own particular brand of love and have them leave because it wasn't their style rather than bend over backwards and do cartwheels to prove my love. At least this way I know I haven't sacrificed my identity for another person and the problem is not mine to deal with anymore and I can also keep my head up.

This may be a cynical view but I have never met a couple who stayed together for years and years and years. Everyone breaks up eventually so you might as well keep control of your life and it's direction. Real love is not a feeling but an action. It's much more flattering to think that your partner has thought about why they choose to love you rather than when they just feel like they are in love with you. The feelings of love are known as the honeymoon stage and are what most people are chasing. The ability to think about giving/doing love stems from having control over yourself and the flow of your relationship. Loving wholeheartedly is something that I feel originates from a fear of loss.

Maybe this is nonsense, I don't know. It's just what I think.

Hello 'itried',although I would like to argue with some of your points,I do realise that you base your opinion on your own experiences in relationships,from your own fundamental,obseravations,and personal... a different set of experiences will generate a different view point.

But just to comment on your second last sentence,I feel that loving wholeheartedly after being badly hurt,from my point of view,comes from a strong sense of self,well grounded and mentally and emotional strong... to love again with all your heart means you have recovered and healed,if your afraid you would not do it!

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

How about: A relationship is a partnership. Don't allow the individual investments to become too lopsided.

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True, and I had almost forgotten till I read this !

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Originally Posted by redhed35

hello 'itried',although i would like to argue with some of your points,i do realise that you base your opinion on your own experiences in relationships,from your own fundamental,obseravations,and personal...a differant set of experiences will generate a differant view point.

but just to comment on your second last sentence,i feel that loving wholeheartedly after being badly hurt,from my point of view,comes from a strong sense of self,well grounded and mentally and emotional strong....to love again with all your heart means you have recovered and healed,if your afraid you would not do it!

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I think we mislead ourselves a bit too much in relationships. All things being equal, our relationships will all end some day, no matter if you loved with all your heart or if you did no such thing. In the end it really doesn't matter because people are fickle when it comes to "love" and relationships. The same "whole-hearted love" becomes the baseline and it makes the relationship boring and predictable no matter how much love is exchanged. Because of this something new is needed to stimulate our numbed senses so we leave to search it out.

Before this feeling arises we are essentially lying to ourselves about the significance of the relationship, the compatibility of our partner, their looks, etc. This is especially true with younger people because there are more options to choose from so it becomes easier to begin the quest for "true love" , "real love" or whatever over and over again. Once people get older and their options diminish they then begin the pride swallowing, soul destroying process of fitting a square peg (their spouse/partner) into a round hole (their idea of a relationship). This is all done out of necessity and not as much out of love and romance as we'd all like to believe. You have to love this person because there may not be another one around the corner like 10 or 15 or even 20 years ago. We change as we get older and one profound change is complacency. The fear of losing our "person" causes us to try much harder to keep them and this gets misconstrued and misinterpreted as love. Our pasts are littered with people who we probably should have stayed with but curiosity and the quest for romance and freshness and newness all get the better of us eventually. After all is said and done we aren't left with "the one" but instead "the last one".

It's not so much that I am jaded by my relationship experiences but more so that I have stopped and studied them from an objective viewpoint and by doing this I have never witnessed a relationship that fits into whatever it is that we are all searching for. People leave good relationships because someone new comes along and gives them a jolt and this causes them to wander.

This is why I believe that love isn't a feeling at all, but an action which is the effect of a choice. However this choice does arise out of necessity. The proof of this is right in front of our eyes yet for some reason we have selective vision which is blurred by the lens of hope.

I do get where it is you're coming from though, redhed. But isn't one definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and over again while expecting different results? This is my view of relationships. It takes two special people to have a special relationship. Sadly, despite what our parents and TV and whatever tells us everyday, we really aren't as special as we think we are. The only reason we aren't special is because we have never stopped to think: "Hey, maybe I'm not as special as I think I am. Maybe I don't deserve happiness but maybe I instead need to earn it".

Again, just my thoughts.

Oh 'i tried' stay away from the lemon pie! I do say that in a light way and mean no offense..

Yes your right,all relationships end eventually,sometimes after a week,or a month,and someone moves on or after 50 or 60 years together and one partner dies...

I do think your making a massive generalisation regarding relationships,and point for point you have made I can counter point you in a positive light from my own experience...

I suggest we agree to differ on this,and not hijack the thread,which I believe could be a very effective learning tool for everyone.

Regards.