Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

You have been learning things about each other the last 4 months, and finding out the differences in each other. In healthy adult relationships, the partners are willing to work together to overcome, and resolve these issues, but I suspect this whole thing has moved rather fast, and now your both seeing a side of each other that is both irritating, and annoying.

I suspect the initial things that attracted you are wearing off, and your starting to see more, and not necessarily liking what you see. What is the age difference between you, and are you living together after 4 months??

Relationships require adjustments to be made by two willing partners, or the chances of it growing, and working long term get slim, to none as the conflicts will over shadow the love.

Sometimes it takes a while to learn each others language, and be able to establish honest expressions of ones thoughts, and feelings, as its a process, that takes time. Sadly many in a relationship are on different time tables, and that in itself is a problem.

I think the expectations you both have for each other may be unrealistic, and needs to be reevaluated so you know the adjustments that it will take and if those adjustments are worth it or not!

---

Yeah I think the problem is that she is rushing everything thus that's the reason I think she wants things to happen quickly and can't seem to accept my pace, she has told me she wants to marry and have kids next year or within two years with whomever she happens to be with. We are a couple years apart and no we are not living together.

The other issue is that she thinks she's too old to be single (she's 30 on december) so that's the reason she wants to marry and maybe that's the reason she is rushing everything.

All I say is, if she really loves me and wants to marry me (she told me that hundreds of times before in those four months) why is she not willing to work with me or communicate? I mean it's only four months for christ sakes.

Don't get me wrong I know if given the time I can be friends with her guys, and all her family (quite numerous might I add, she has 2 mothers and one dad , and 5 brothers and sisters, each with their own families), I've always done it with past relationships, but I also know it will take time to get to know the +20 of them to get comfortable.

The only conclusion I've come to is that she doesn't really loves me, she thinks she does because she's in love with the person she has in her mind and not who I really am.

Btw talaniman I read the quote you have down there:

"Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs"

I think I'm just an option in her life and that's why she can't seem to compromise, and I valued her way too much and became dependent on her for happyness, it's just that I really loved her.

I think it's a red flag that she says she is going to marry in the next couple of years whoever she is with. This doesn't sound like someone with a very realistic view of relationships.

I have been where you are before only it was the other way around. I was very outgoing and my girlfriend at the time wasn't. Needless to say it didn't work out between us. We were just two different people. I never forced her to be friendly or anything but it did start to get really annoying for me. After a while it seem that everything she did was really starting to get to me and that's when I decided to call it off. She was hurt and I felt really bad for breaking up but in the long run I knew that our personality would never match. She is now married and happy.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by asking

I think it's a red flag that she says she is going to marry in the next couple of years whoever she is with. This doesn't sound like someone with a very realistic view of relationships.

---

yeah I also thought about the same thing, I thought it was all about finding the right partner, not the guy you happen to be with when it's time to marry.

I also suspect that for her a man is a comodity, she's said that women don't need a man to raise children and that "she doesn't care if she has children with a man that dumps her" because she can raise her children on her own.

Bear in mind she comes from a dysfunctional marriage, her mother raised her and her sisters alone and her father appeared on her life when she was on her early twenties.

Maybe she's right though, I put too much value on the other person and depend on her to feel happy.

overayear, problem is that I need an outgoing personality in my life, I feel attracted to that type of personality. If I dump her sooner or later I'll hook up with someone like her again. And I'm attractive, I don't have problems getting attention from outgoing girls, even with my laidback attitude I get attention from many women.

It just seems so selfish of her, and I'd really hate to see her in a year still single and unhappy just because she wasn't willing to make things work, it would break my heart.

oh well, I'll tell you all how it goes.

I had a boyfriend who really wanted to get married. He said he was 24 and he was "ready." We broke up because I didn't feel like he was really interested in me as much as in his idea of me. I'm sure there were other issues. But he met and married someone else almost immediately. They were divorced in 12 months. I have never wished I'd married him. :)

Not every out going female is the same, but your sure showing the signs of be incompatible, and unwilling to work together. Also being that dependent on a partner to make you happy, would cause me to think about what's going on with me, not her.

Life really is more about how you deal with it, than what it deals you. Maybe its for the best that you be more outgoing, and open around strangers, and enjoy it, as its been my experience that we learn from every experience we go through, no matter how many partners that we have had. But 4 months?? Slow this train down, where you can think, and adjust, and evaluate at your pace. You should be in your honeymoon phase, and still having big fun. Just me though, but way too soon for long range plans.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by asking

I had a boyfriend who really wanted to get married. He said he was 24 and he was "ready." We broke up because I didn't feel like he was really interested in me as much as in his idea of me. I'm sure there were other issues. But he met and married someone else almost immediately. They were divorced in 12 months. I have never wished I'd married him. :)

---

You know what ? I want to make sure that doesn't happen to her. I feel like I should take care of her. Most of her really close friends are not married (they are 28,29,30 etc), some have kids but never married their girlfriends, usually are dating several people, have cheated on their girlfriends, usually partying and drinking when not working. Her sister has a child with a guy who doesn't support her, her mother is alone, etc. You know it's all these "bad" things I wish I could save her from, maybe I'm just too idealistic, seeing her alone with kids, with a cheating husband would make me feel really bad, and I'm afraid that's the type of guys she tends to like.

Quote:

---

The only conclusion I've come to is that she doesn't really loves me, she thinks she does because she's in love with the person she has in her mind and not who I really am.

---

I think that might sum it up right there.

Perhaps too, with her turning 30 in December, and her sisters and brothers all have families, there could be pressure on her to 'settle down', either by them, or pressure she puts on herself.

I don't know that there is any easy way around that. She has a goal to be married and start a family in two years. For some reason she's decided that that major decision will occur, and whoever she's with at the time as you said, is who she will marry.

As to her coming from a dysfunctional family- who isn't! Not too many can say that they had a Leave it to Beaver kind of upbringing. Actually, thinking about it, I don't know a single one off the top. Anyway, whatever is seen as causal in how she thinks and behaves is secondary to her age, and apparent maturity level.

You sound more mature in your thinking to me. When you think of all the needs that she sees as necessary to being met, and compare that to what needs you have, the entire picture is out of whack.

Maybe that's what you should think about more. What are your needs, do you think they will be met in this relationship, or do you need to find them with another woman.

If you ask her to change or to tone it down a bit she is going to become self-conscious about the way she acts in front of YOU this is going to lead to frustration and resentment.
In my past I have found outgoing flirty woman to be the most honest,dependable,and true woman you can meet because they are real,she's not hiding anything from you and that means a lot.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by zippit

if you ask her to change or to tone it down a bit she is going to become self-conscious about the way she acts in front of YOU this is going to lead to frustration and resentment.
In my past I have found outgoing flirty woman to be the most honest,dependable,and true woman you can meet because they are real,shes not hiding anything from you and that means alot.

---

Mmm a few weeks back she said to me that sometimes she can't be herself when around me because she has to watch her behavior so you are right in that aspect.

You are right in that she's real but that flirty behavior takes a while to get used to you know ? It's not easy to see men hugging, kissing and texting your girl all the time, in fact she won't let me check her phone though she usually grabs my phone to check it when I'm distracted (mainly because I don't have anything to hide) , and that's a bit of a red flag in my opinion.

And from experience I know she gets a bit upset when she sees me with other girls or texting other girls, so "What's good for the goose is good for the gander" doesn't quite apply here. From now on I won't let her check my phone.

Even if she becomes self-conscious about the way she acts, I believe she has to be mature enough to put herself in my shoes and see things from my perspective. I'm dead sure she would HATE me if I adopt her flirty behavior ( I normally try to tone it down ) along with the texting with other girls.

It feels like she wants to have her cake and eat it too, I'm going to start to eat some of the cake too.

Hey there I'm the guy from "Girlfriend can't seem to accept my laidback personality"

I mentioned she didn't want me to check her cellphone, well I did today, in front of her.

I found messages from a (recent) past ex boyfriend that she never told me about, the guy can't seem to get over her and keeps calling her and texting her on a daily basis, if that was the only issue it wouldn't be a problem I mean most women are stalked by many guys,

What raised a huge red flag is that last Saturday she was having her graduation ceremony I didn't go because I couldn't, she said she would have had to get me a special pass (according to her).

Well I found messages from her inviting him (her ex) to the ceremony (the guy can get a free pass because he works in that institution), even though she says she doesn't love him and doesn't care about the guy she INVITED the guy to her ceremony without telling me absolutely anything, I just found out today, Tuesday, by reading text messages. Fortunately the guy never went because he didn't have a proper suit for the ceremony.

She appologized and said she made a big mistake after I confronted her about it, yet that doesn't seem like enough reassurance for me, I mean I feel like I cannot trust her anymore.

I told her I'm OK with her talking to any of her past boyfriends but this guy keeps stalking her and she seems to enjoy it, she tells me that she just can't block the guy from her blackberry, just the fact that she INVITED the guy to her ceremony with her parents means she's not really done with him.

In the past I saw the name of the guy in her phone and asked who the guy was, she answered that the guy was just "a guy who likes me". Well today I found they had a 4 month relationship, went out together and said they LOVED each other many times. She said that since she really didn't care about the guy she didn't bother telling me anything more about him.

I may be overreacting, but would you be OK if your girlfriend invites her last ex to a reunion who can't seem to get over her, calls her and texts her every freaking day telling her that she's the love of his life, etc and doesn't tell you anything about it?

I mean I hate the fact that if I don't check her cellphone I would have never found out about the whole thing.

What do you think ?

Dump the , there are plenty of fish in the sea my friend.

If you can't trust her, what's the point?

I just want to know what would people do in my position, specially regarding the last issue with her ex and text messages.

You know, bcv, everyone has different boundaries. There are some people who would not be looking at her phone messages and would just judge the relationship by what transpires between the two of you.

You DO come off as very insecure. On the other hand, if I was in your shoes, I might be just as bad. That doesn't make it very grown up though.

The situation is ambiguous. Maybe she's telling the truth and is outgoing and likes to stay friends with exes. SOME people are okay with that and able to handle some ambiguity. Others, like me, are not. If it were me, I'd want her to set some limits and not talk to him. I would feel threatened.

But the thing is YOU have to take responsibility for your own boundaries. They are yours, not hers. You have to be able to risk losing her by telling her what you want. You are the one who can't handle your own jealousy. You have to be able to say to her, "these are my limits. I own them and I realize that you may not be okay with this. But I want to ask you to stop texting this guy and seeing him. For my happiness, I need you to pull back. I just can't handle it."

If she agrees to that, then you have to give her something--which is your trust. Stop taking her phone and checking up on her because that is toxic to a relationship. Stop questioning everything she does. This is why she didn't mention him to you, because you are constantly on her about other men. She didn't want to deal with the drama. So you need to give her less drama.

Or she may say, no way. And then you have to accept that. But just remember that you can't force her to live by your standards if she doesn't choose to. This is a negotiation. And it may be that you can't find a middle ground and will have to break up.

Basically, I'm saying you are the person with the problem. She likes things the way they are. Is she willing to accommodate you? And if so, what are you going to give her in exchange?

Asking I understand but the problem is that she hides these things from me, that's not OK to do in any relationship, SPECIALLY when it comes to ex boyfriends who still keep calling her,

How would you feel if your boyfriend or girlfriend texts/calls and sees her/his ex without telling you anything about it? I've always told her that I'm grateful when she tells me who is she spending time with or even if she's communicating with her exes or people who like her a lot, she always seem to manage to forget to tell me what she did.

1 ) She didn't tell me she had a thing with this guy just a few months ago, even though I asked her about him (she just said he was a "random guy who likes her").

2) She didn't tell me she invited the guy to her reunion.

3) If I don't check her cell phone I never find out about it.

I already told her what I want and what I expect from her from now on, she told me she made a mistake and realized that if I were to do what she did she would be really upset with me. Still even after all this, I'll have to check her phone from time to time.

You said I have to give her trust in exchange, I believe trust is not something you can just give like that, it's something you must earn, something that builds up with time.

I didn't check her cellphone for about 3 or 4 weeks, one day I picked it up to get online on msn and she immediately took it off my hands, I said "are you hiding something" she said "No, I don't want anyone checking my phone".

Well I did check it today and bam found she was communicating with her Ex, the guy telling her he loves her and can't live without her, inviting her to trips, etc. and even she invited the guy to her graduation ceremony (have in mind I wasn't there because I needed a special pass and she never really invited me), would you "GIVE" trust to someone like her, I just can't, she has to earn it again.

You are not in a healthy relationship. Neither of you is behaving well. You cannot force her to behave the way you want her to. You are trying to control her, telling her what you expect of her (rather than getting a genuine agreement) and then checking up on her. Meanwhile, she is becoming devious, hiding things from you that formerly she didn't.

You need to break up, and move on. Instead of wasting more time trying to make her do something she clearly doesn't want to do, find someone whose values are more like your own. A healthy relationship is not about coercion. Why stay in a relationship that is not working? Why spend all this energy trying to make her be something she is not?

If you just want to be right, get a dog. If you want a relationship with another adult, you need to try again with someone else. Either way, let this woman go her own way.

It is what is is, unfortunately.

She has an affair going on (to what extent, who knows, but an affair of some description), and had a pre-arranged date, for him to attend one of the most important days of her life. Most of us graduate only once, and it is certainly something you would expect to be sharing with the one you love. With the one you love...

I don't think it matters whether he went or not, the point is, she wanted him to share that event with her. Makes me wonder what she had planned for the celebration afterwards.

If you re-read your own post, let the information really sink in. You aren't imagining things, or making situations worse than they are. How you see this, is all that matters, and how you interpret the truth, and see what is in front of you, is all that counts.

To put all the information you have under the rug, is not going to change anything.

The worst injustice you can do to yourself, is not to be true to yourself. This is your life, and you have to live it without continuously doubting yourself. You'll end up spinning your wheels, and never get anywhere.

If you had stopped at a diner along the road, had a terrible meal that tasted like anchovies, when it was supposed to be a burger, and the apple pie tasted like roadkill, and the waitress had huge warts on her nose, would you likely return for another meal?

I would say that if you kept going back to the same diner, you will likely get the same meal.

Great analogy, Jake!

BCV, I feel like you keep going back to that diner asking for your favorite dish. You're not going to get it -- even if you threaten the chef and call the health department.

You don't trust her ( I don't blame you), and she wants you to be someone you're not.

HMMMM... this one is tough.

I say that you should cut her loose, and go find someone that loves you the way you are, and that will be true to you.

She will make your life miserable. She is a "changeling". Her type tries to "mold" their partner to fit their sick little mold. It NEVER works.

If you don't, you are going to be on this site every night with some issue or another.

Good luck to you.