Ask Me Help Desk - Should I Break Up With Her?

I honestly feel she would be better off on her own to figure out who she is, and what she is about. Having said that, and you have made a decision to go back with her, then I can only advise caution as 7 months is too early to be that dependent on some one. Just my opinion.

Take it SLOW if you saty together - SEE if you can trust. Be busy - don't make her your life at all.

My friend, you are walking on a thin line here. I understand you love her, but you Got to make sure she knows how serious you are about this whole thing. Ask her not to explain anything to you anymore about this incident because either way she will just be defensive. Give her time to prove to you she loves you. Don't show any love now, don't be deeply romantic with her until she really proves she is trying to be with you and only you. You also tell her your plan how you will be behaving and you have no controle over it until you feel comfortable once again of trusting her. Once she knows this, she will either work so hard to bring you back or will give up quick. Either way you will get your answer for sure, rather than live your life with her not knowing if she's into you 100% or not.

Good luck.

There is something about your reaction to going through her computer that sends red flags out. Also here begging and pleading and you relenting sets uneasy with me. I suspect you have a few issues to deal with and when you demand others to toe the line you should make the same demands on yourself. This relationship shows no communication or balance as I see it and indicates a lot of work to be done by both of you. If you cannot work together and are clinging on each other just to have someone then I would really think about this love the two of you think you have. If you are to salvage this relationship then please give thought to honestly talking and putting more balance into your lives.

You can't trust her (the possible other guy) and she can't trust you (you going through HER stuff).

This will end. Probably badly.

Without trust there is almost nothing to build a relationship on. And I am very sorry that you had to find that, but if you go looking for dirt you will eventually find it. Sounds like she was being polite but a bit too intrigued, she committed herself to you.

Your reaction to the message you read was very uncalled for, but as you posted it in your question here, I am sure you are aware of that. Was your hand injured, money spent on repairs and some sleep was lost? Not a happy night; things need to move on from this event and if that isn't possible then your relationship will begin to suffer greatly. You should compare the good and the bad about staying with her, then see which one outweighs the other.

And her threat to kill herself is surely not the thing she should say, be it a figure of speech or not. Don't let that keep you with her, love should be doing that, not a threat.

First of all, I doubt this is love on either side. Could be lust, passion, sex, but not love.
Her actions caused a violent reaction and simply put, you are a hazard. IF I was with someone who punched a wall, I would be thinking that could have been my face. Granted, you found out she was flirting with another guy - still that does not warrant your outburst like that. Telling her to leave, showing her the door, closing it behind her and coolling off would have been the way to go. Talking about this whole situation with the computer the next day when you are calm is safer. I am not ignoring her actions - she as much as said to this guy that she would like to get involved with him and the hint was there that she almost did the night they met. So what does that tell you? You and her were already together and if she loved you, why would she even think about "doing it" with another guy - who was involved with someone else at the time? She is not reliable/trustworthy.
For you to go into her computer to check up on her tells me that you do not respect her. She does not respect you. You both lie. She uses suicide as a blackmail. You both use sex to get what you want for the moment and you still think that is love.
Close the door on this girl. She is as much a manipulator as you are. You need to get some of your own issues taken care of. Being unhealthy tends to lead one into unhealthy relationships. Been there, done that, got the badge for it too. Go and take care of yourself.

My thoughts on this. Well first of all you have a temper on you. She is probably afraid of you. Your reaction of punching a whole in the wall probably scared the out of her. Do you really want her to feel that way about you? As well like Tal said anybody that threatens suicide if they did not have you is unbalanced herself and does not sound good. It sounds like you both threaten each other but in different ways. I think you both need help. Maybe eventually help each other. I do think that you need to both communicate with each other. What is good, what is bad, what needs to change. At this point though with you punching the wall and with her threatening suicide I think she is scared of you and you do not want to keep her that way because it will just blow up in your face. Her threatening suicide if she does not have you is threatening to you and herself of course, but you do not want to just stay with her because of that threat. Communication is the key and if you are meant to work out you will communicate better. I also agree with skell that having two different posts on this is not good. Having one post is good enough and less confusing. I also agree with skell that maybe this girl did have some interest in somebody else but that does not mean anything will happen. It could though but you just never know. At the same time you need to let that thought go if you are going to stay with her because if you have that always on your mind and you become paranoid you could ruin the relationship as well or even push her away. Does this sound healthy. No, could it change. It might. You need to be the one to decide whether it is over or not. Remember though do not let anybody influence you eighter way. You're the one that has to make the decision you decide whether you want to continue or not.

Joe

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

Alright, my girlfriend was looking at her facebook on my computer, she saw that she had a new message... and i asked her who it ws from, she replied with "oh, i dont look at those messages"

I read the conversation. She lied to when she said she doesn’t look at those messages.

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

Now... right after i completely flipped out on her and kicked her out of my room, after i punched a hole in my wall.

Well, what did that prove? You have anger issues. I think you should look into an exercise program or gym to release some of that pent up frustration.

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

She was crying, hyperventalating, and throwing up... at which time i broke down and let her back in my room and let her sleep on my futon.

I think a lot of people are going to disagree with me on this but if you kicked her out you should have stuck to your guns. I think coming back in only upped the anger even if you two went to bed.

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

When i woke up the next morning i let her give the explination that i would not listen to the night before. She said that it was nothing, she was just being polite at first and responding to his messages, but then she got curious as to what he would say and that she absolutely had no intentions of cheating on me.

She was emotionally cheating.

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

I found this sooo hard to believe,

Me too.

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

but at the same time... i trusted her ver much because our relationship has been through so much,

Why do people always say that? What does that even mean? If it’s been a tough relationship why wouldn’t she look outside of it for attention and compassion? If it’s been a great relationship she still might be a cheater.

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

and never once did i have any suspisions of her. She also says that if i break up with her she would kill herself, she can't live w/o me, im the only one she has in the world, etc.

Then that’s your second clue she’s not good for you. If she means this she needs help. If she doesn’t she’s holding you hostage and using her life as a weapon.

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

Well i told her i did not want to see her right now and to go home. I told her this repedly and she kept begging me to stay. Eventually i grew tired of this, so i told her everything was fine, i forgive her and we will have to talk about it some more...

Good God this is so unhealthy. You get angry and kick her out. She should’ve gone on her own anyway. She refuses to go and begs you to stay and you still upset cave in and say OK stay. Why? If ever two people needed to be away from one another that was a time.

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

but i trust her.

I don’t.

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

Well, i told her we would go watch the steeler game at her house so we drove over (half hour away) she went in the bathroom, and i left without saying anything.

I don’t know. Some might disagree with me but that may have been a good move. You needed to be away. If she wasn’t interested in giving you some alone time than taking on your own might have been smart except…..

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

On my way home she called me balling saying the usual things, how much she loved me, the messages where nothing and she is coming down. I told her not to,

WHY ON EARTH, DID YOU ANSWER THE PHONE!?

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

and a few hours later she showed up and i ended up forgiving her and spending the night with her like i knew i would if she showed up. My question is, what should i do about this? I love her, and i know she loves me.. but i find my self being just disgusted by this behavior, and not trusting her like i used to... i really need help in deciding if i should break it off or not... i do not want to regret staying in this relationship, but at the same time i do love her... what should i DO?

Man, this is such an unhealthy relationship. Both of you have a lot of growing up to do. Quite honestly you need to break up and start to mature and get a grip on who you are and what you demand out of yourself then worry about what you can demand out of a relationship.

When I told her everything was OK, it was just to get her to agree to get in the car so I could take her home where I planned to leave her. I answered the phone obviously because I was not sure of myself about this decision, I was being pulled in two directions. I wanted very bad to forgive her, but I also wanted to leave.
And for me, I may not be in love with her... but I definitely love her very much. Our relationship is not just about lustful sex. Sex would never keep me in a relationship where I did not genuinely care for the person, it is just not that important to me to warrant an emotional attachment. My reaction, I admit was a bit aggressive... I do not see the big deal of punching something other then a human being out of anger. It was better the wall then her face no?
Since then I have actually broken it off but then decided to go back with her after a few days, I realized that I did not feel comfertable with ending the relationship on such terms. I told her that I have yet to forgive her for her actions and she will have to work to regain my trust. She seems very willing to do what ever it takes to keep me with her but I can not take her word for it I just have to wait and see. I feel comfertable with my decision and will stand by it until she proves me wrong. As for my immaturity, I do not see where you are getting that from. I admit I may not have reacted in the proper mature manner, I may not even know what that is. I was not checking her Facebook with any suspicion, and I was not checking it on her computer. I sat down at mine and logged back in to her Facebook for no reason other then to just get her messages for her. She was sitting in my room at the time I was doing this and saw everything going on. I did nothing behind her back to ilicit any thoughts of me having some kind of trust issues with her, I had none. Now I have some, and she will work to regain my trust, and respect. Thank You.

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I realized that I did not feel comfertable with ending the relationship on such terms. I told her that I have yet to forgive her for her actions and she will have to work to regain my trust.

I don't know why this sounds controlling to me, and I don't know why I feel this is not in her best interest. Just me after reading your last post. I think you both have issues that needs to be addressed. Sorry this doesn't sound like a balanced, healthy, honest relationship. You both need some HELP!

There are way to many issues here on both sides to keep going back and forth with you. Obvously you made your own choice, no matter what is said even with most of us saying it is bad bad news. You need to learn this yourself and sometimes people learn the hard way. As far as your temper and not thinking there is anything wrong with punching walls. Yes, there is something wrong. Yes, it is wrong. Yes, there is something emotionally wrong with you to have a temper so strong. I know this from personal experience. When a teenager and going through so much, keeping everything in. I had a bad temper. I even punched a bakery metal oven door. I also punched a wall. Is this normal behaviour, No it is not. There are issues and you need to get a hold of them and deal with them and work through them and also learn how to control your temper or you are going to go down a dark dark road.

Joe

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

When i told her everything was ok, it was just to get her to agree to get in the car so i could take her home where i planned to leave her. I answered the phone obviously because i was not sure of my self about this decision, i was being pulled in two directions. I wanted very bad to forgive her, but i also wanted to leave.

I hear what you’re saying. I agree with you as a matter of fact. If she’s not going to leave on her own then you know you did the right thing tricking her. You had to get rid of her for awhile and have some time to yourself. I don’t think I would have answered the phone but your explanation is valid. It makes perfect sense to me.

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

And for me, i may not be in love with her... but i definately love her very much. our relationship is not just about lustful sex. Sex would never keep me in a relationship where i did not genuinely care for the person, it is just not that important to me to warrant an emotional attachment.

Actually I don’t question your lover for her nor do I get the impression this relationship is all about sex or even based on sex. It comes off as a twisted game between two people to see who can manipulate the other’s emotions the most.

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

My reaction, i admit was a bit agressive.... I do not see the big deal of punching something other then a human being out of anger. It was better the wall then her face no?

Well the fact that you don’t see what’s wrong with punching a wall is part of the problem. Was it better than hitting another human being or any living creature for that matter. Yes it was. Is it the best way to get your aggression out. No. It also speaks to the maturity which I’ll get to in a second.

I’d be willing to bet that deep down that was the kind of reaction she was looking for. In just what you’ve described here on this board. The only way she seems to get a reaction out of you is by pushing your emotional buttons. She loves drama. And she uses drama to get you to react which you do. When you don’t react to something she keeps pestering you until you do. If nothing works at first than she turns it up a notch, then more until finally you lose it.

Anyway I recommend getting a gym membership to work off the aggression. If you can’t just take a walk for an hour a day.

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

Since then i have actually broken it off but then decided to go back with her after a few days, i realized that i did not feel comfertable with ending the relationship on such terms.

Which begs the question, how would you feel comfortable ending this relationship?

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

I told her that i have yet to forgive her for her actions and she will have to work to regain my trust. She seems very willing to do what ever it takes to keep me with her but i can not take her word for it i just have to wait and see.

Of course she loves that, it plays right into the drama she seeks.

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

I feel comfertable with my decision and will stand by it until she proves me wrong.

Time will tell, but don’t wear your heart on you sleave.

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Originally Posted by Firefox555

As for my immaturity, i do not see where you are getting that from. I admit i may not have reacted in the proper mature manner, i may not even know what that is. I was not checking her facebook with any suspicion, and i was not checking it on her computer. I sat down at mine and logged back in to her facebook for no reason other then to just get her messages for her. She was sitting in my room at the time i was doing this and saw everything going on. I did nothing behind her back to ilicit any thoughts of me haveing some kind of trust issues with her, i had none. Now i have some, and she will work to regain my trust, and respect. Thank You.

As I stated above it you two seem to play this game of who can make the other more needy and dependent upon the other. She has no respect for your boundaries, and I’m not sure you even know where hers are. You just had a fight, and you tell her to leave. Does she. No. It’s your house right? Kick her out and show her that you mean it. Show her that you are not to be pushed around and walked all over. That would give her something to think about. Instead, you hit a wall showing your immaturity about your emotions and invite her back in when you’re obviously still irate about her lying. Then she lies to you some more to cover up the initial lies and you realize this situation isn’t right. You smartly take her home and ditch her. Then when you finally have some time to yourself after this has gone on overnight you immediately let her come back to you via phone. Again, she says she wants to see you and you gave it to her.

This relationship is based on who can one up the other in the drama department. She does something, you react. She reacts to your reaction, you react and on and on it goes. I think you need to get away from her and figure out what you want from yourself, and how you’d like to behave, then you need to figure out what you want from a woman.

Had to spread it around Chuff, but you have described a very unhealthy relationship between two unhealthy people.

It sounds like she's manipulating you with the whole story ; the temper tantrums, threats to kill herself, crying hysterically, on and on. Those are the classic tools of people who resort to these tactics to try and control people. In this case, it consists of her trying to keep you in a relationship that you clearly know is unhealthy. Furthermore, rather than try and get help in dealing with her issues, she chooses to continue down the same path and expect others to join her on that journey. I won't tell you flat-out to break up with her but I think the handwriting's on the wall here.

I absolutely agree.

Someone who is using threats and hysterics to try to control you will NOT STOP doing this later on. It is emotional manupulation performed in a manner to make you feel guilty and make you to be the bad guy.

You are responsible for your own happiness first... I'm not saying there are not reasonable considerations in a relationship that you should give the partner... but you guys are just bf/gf... you're not engaged or married. You can walk away and she's given you reason to doubt her... and you, again, feel like you have to go through her stuff to see whether you can trust her.

I had an awful breakup with a girl I dated for almost 2 years. She was in the shower and I grabbed a notebook by her bed cause I needed a piece of paper to write on... turns out she had been writing in it talking about some guy she was chasing after. I didn't mean to snoop. I just needed some paper. Fantastic way to start the day.

We had a blowup and it was really just the beginning of the end. I really never trusted her after that... and come to find out it was for good cause. She was sneaking around behind my back...

My point is you are always going to wonder if she's running around. Maybe the relationship is worth the grief. Do you really want to spend every day wondering if you should violate her privacy to see if she is violating your trust? Only you can decide that.

Don't let crying and hysterics manipulate you.