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Originally Posted by Jayjay027

You guys are not making me feel better at all. Im in such a dark, horrible place, and you are making me feel worse about everything.
I WAS A GOOD GIRLFRIEND AND FIANCEE - AND THIS IS SUDDEN!!!

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You are not going to like what I am about to write, but please read it and think about it before you get even more upset.

I am sorry to inform you but we don't hold pity parties. We offer advice and support neither of which are easy to give or receive.

You ignored what to many people would be warning signs. He was rushing the relationship and you knew it. He wasn't communicating. You were the bright spot in his life giving him all the support you could. He gave you a platitude, "He said I was the only positive thing in his life and didnt wanna put off the happiest day of his life". Any time someone pushes for a quick marriage or talks about getting pregnant BEFORE a PLANNED wedding there are huge red flags flying on the hurricane winds.

He was running away from the pain of his parents' illness. He tried to bury his fears of death in planning a life and a marriage. That doesn't work. Sooner or later the person wakes up and realizes that there is no escape from reality or quick fixes for the emotional turmoil and trauma. He has to face his fears.

You have to let him go. You can't make him come back. You can't make him want to be with you.

Yes, it hurts. Yes, it seems sudden to you as you perceive it at this moment. If you read what you have written as though someone else wrote it, I think you will begin to see that there were warning signs.

It isn't going to be easy. It will be painful. No one will tell you that the hurt and pain go away in an instant. As you already know, it takes time and very hard work to heal. I am not telling you anything differently than I would my son, daughter or friends. I don't believe in wallowing in self-pity because that energy can be put to better use.

Onething I wouldn't want you to do is believe this is the end of your world,because angel it isn't,from the look of things it is obvious,with no doubt whatsoever,that this man is in love with you,but you need to know that if this is the end of the road with him then it is,their is nothing anyone can say or do to change it,if it is destined to happen then accept it with a heart that won't stop beating for this man until it finds out what really went wrong,that doesn't mean you shouldn't go on with your life,but don't forget to find out what happened,and I'm not saying you should carry any part of this into your future relationships,for it will make matters worse.

Thanks everyone for your comments.
I guess all I can do is get on with it and hope and pray that he see's that breaking up wasn't the answer to his problems.

We aren't in contact or anything - its guna be difficult. But I can do it.

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Originally Posted by Jayjay027

Thanks everyone for your comments.
I guess all I can do is get on with it and hope and pray that he see's that breaking up wasnt the answer to his problems.

We arent in contact or anything - its guna be difficult. But I can do it.

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Break ups like this are probably the worst type. As humans, we want something or one to blame when things go wrong. When there isn't something we can point to and say there is the problem, it seems to make the pain harder to bear. However, that pain will go away if you let it.

The stickies at the top of the forum might help. This thread will also still be here for you if you want honest advice and support.

Just remember to keep your mind and body busy and allow yourself to even want to heal.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Jayjay027

I have prayed, and anyone else who wants to pray for him to come back to me, be my guest. The more the better.

I dont think there is someone else in the picture though. I have always trusted him not to cheat on me and the subject of there being someone else never even entered my head.
Its not impossible, I just dont think there is.

Folahun, thank u for ur kindness.

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I'm sorry for your pain.

It doesn't matter that his friends and family thought you two were perfect together. The decision was his to make, and HE made it. No one else. You got over the first guy, you'll get over him.

You asked for prayers for him to change his mind. That's something you should do, this is not a "life or death" situation.

Be glad you didn't get married, and then he pulled this. Yes, he is quite selfish to propose, plan, and then change his mind. He should have been SURE that he wanted to marry you first. Shame on him for that. I agree with Tal. this is no mistake on his part, it's what he wanted.

I wish you the best, and will pray for you to have the strength to carry on with your life. One day, you will look back on this, and be glad it worked out this way.

I recently posted here about my situation:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...up-405475.html

He was the one who asked for time, and asked me not to contact him - and I haven't.
But today, he sent me this message:

"This probably sounds like a stupid thing to say but I really hope ur ok. I know that ur not but I do want u to know that I am thinkin of u x"

I haven't replied, he sent it about an hour and a half ago. I sort of feel empowered now that he text me and I'm not replying - but I really want him back.
How do I deal with this?

Oh, and by the way, its been 6 days since the break up, 3 days since NC.

I read your other thread.

You were engaged to be married,he ended the relationship.

Unless I missed something in your other posts, he said he needed time and space.

It has not been a week yet.

Unless he is saying,I'm sorry,I love you, lets try and make things work, he is offering you nothing.

He's lonely. Who else is he going to call,he knows you, you familiar...

Keep doing N.C, at least for now, unless he comes back with the above things still have not changed.

Give him time.. thats what he wants, who's to say if you contact him,he won't have changed his mind again before midnight..

This is not game playing,its protecting yourself from more hurt.

Wait.

Let him come to you.

Give him the time he wanted.

Stick to the NC is my advice-he probably feels guilty as some people do having done what he did hence the text.

Ok thanks guys. I'm going to keep the NC thing going.

It's so difficult because I want him back, but I can do it.
Thank u.

I'm going to his place tomorrow to pick my stuff up while he's at work. I wrote a poem about our break up - I always write poetry and he knows I'm a poet.
Do u think I should leave a copy of the poem for him?

I don't think it would be a good idea to leave the poem. Just getting your things and leaving will be difficult enough. Leaving the poem could be seen as an attempt to keep the lines of communication open

Stay strong and let yourself heal. If poetry helps, there are other places to share if you feel it would help. You could even post it here or maybe on the Writing Board.

Writing - Ask Me Help Desk

I'm not going to leave the poem now. He left me nothing, and I will leave him nothing.

I didn't reply to the text yesterday, and about 10 minutes ago, he text again saying:
"would it be easier for u to get ur stuff while Im at work, or would u rather pick it up while Im there?"

I had already decided that I was going today while he's at work, I'm not replying to that text either - but he's texting me and he's the one who asked for NC!
It seems like he wants me to be thinking about him.
Is he scared that I haven't contacted him? Because all through our relationship, even if we were arguing, I still sent him texts. This is the first we have ever gone not speaking to one another.

I am so hurt and annoyed and confused about this whole thing.

Go and pick up your things whilst he s at work and ignore his texts-if he s worried that s his problem now.
Stay strong and stay NC , all contact just adds to the confusion.
I understand you re hurting but you need to look after yourself now.

Keep up with the NC. It will help with your confusion, if you keep telling yourself it is over and he is history. Confusion is greater when you aren't sure about what to do. Ignoring him and making the decision to move on will help.

Don't even accept/read his texts. Just go on with your own life.

The hurt will lessen with time. Try not to let your mind dwell on him or what his actions mean that will only make the pain stronger like when you poke at a bruise.

I just picked up my stuff, I left the keys and nothing else.

I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I want him back more than anything.

There's no right or wrong here. I think we need to help you clarify why you're going into NC.

We know that you want him back. He knows that you want him back. Now he just needs time to figure out if he wants the same things as you. You're going into no contact for at least two reasons:

1) He needs his time and space to figure things out. It's better for him to think without your influence so he can come up with a more objective decision.

2) You need to gain some perspective by distancing yourself. By talking to him, you will only add to the confusion and give yourself false hope. False hope will set you up for a huge disappointment and heartbreak.

There's a chance he won't want you back. So by going into no contact, you will begin the healing process. If he wants you back, then great! But if he doesn't, you will be in a better position to move on with your life.

You did the right thing.
Make sure you get emotional support from family and friends ;and take one day at the time .
It does get better even though you may not feel that way now.

I am so sorry to hear about your pain.Episodes like these make you feel there's no justice,no God,nothing good in life.They make you doubt yourself,shatter your confidence and your interest in life altogether.And much more.

But when you force yourself to look at such mind-boggling situations very very objectively(which might seem impossible right now,but once you make up your mind to do it,it becomes a practice),you will just think of it as a fact of life that came across your way,unfortunately,which is right here staring at your face and now all you can do is acknowledge it but nothing more.Whats done is done.you can't alter that.Its like so many other bad things that happen to so many people,like accidents,loss of near and dear ones,natural calamities, the list is endless.

But what you can very well do,is to empower yourself with this idea : Life hasn't been kind to me right now and I am hurting badly.I need to take care of myself now--thats in my hand.I need to stand strong for myself and love the bruised,battered me,that got so badly hurt--thats in my hand.My life is in my hands and that is a fact that nobody can take away from me.

Thoughts like these give you courage and confidence to think,to act,in your best interests.You are doing pretty well on the NC part by not giving in to tempations of reacting to his texts.Keep that up.You'll survive.After all he's just a guy who didn't want something beautiful with you.Your life's so much vaster and grander than that.Look around you--you'll find your reasons to live.

NC was broken today u guys.

He contacted my brother saying how sorry he is for what he's done. He told my brother that hurting me was the last thjing he'd ever want to do. My brother replied saying it wasn't his business but he believed this whole thing could be fixed with communication.

He then sent me a text asking if we could meet up on Tuesday evening to talk about "us" and I replied asking him if he has anything new to say. I told him I'd talk to him if he had something different to say, because the last thing I wanted was to meet him and have the sa,me discussion we had on Sunday. (On Sunday I asked him if there was anything I could do and he said he just needed time.)
He replied saying he had nothing new to say, and thought that he would have thought of something when he saw me. He also said he wanted to talk more about us, and him needing time.
I said "how many times do you think I'm going to meet you to be rejected? I'm not meeting up to go over old ground and for nothing to change. When u have something different to say, maybe I'll listen".
Then he replied saying that he would have a think and contact me when his head isn't so messed up.

Did I do the right thing? Should I have met up with him?
Bear in mind, when you are giving me advice - I REALLY want this guy back. I feel that we were always so right together and that we are meant to be together.

You did the right thing. Stick by your decision. Until he has something new to contribute. If this relationship is ever going to work in the future, he needs to understand that something has to change. There's no point going in circles. We want to see process.

Good job on your behalf though, sounds like you're making process on your end!