Like the Cat, I think its influenced by how the relationship ends. There are a variety of ways and reasons they do. More and more I tend to see relationships end without both parties having a clear understanding of why. I think that is not only sad but it definitely buys more hurt and a greater opportunity to carry baggage into the next one. I can tell you that not knowing rarely happened in my circles. It would have been considered the height of bad manners and whoever left someone like that would have been written off as hazardous, truly. If it was deep enough to define as a relationship, then it warranted discussions that allowed both people a chance to straighten it out or at least come to the mutual understanding that it was irreconcilable. If it wasn't a relationship it was dating, albeit exclusive dating but still not a relationship and that had different "rules". I think the lines between dating and relationship have been very blurred and with measurably poor results. I believe that now people "serial relationship" in the place of dating, leaving out a very crucial step-- all part of the "I want it all now" mentality pervasive in the culture.
I have been both the leaver and the leavee and remained loving whoever I loved but then again I had already learned from my crazy family of origin how to leave someone you love. I had only one relationship where he left me and I didn't understand why. I asked him many times and got a variety of what felt like bs answers. The confusion/pain this caused squashed my ability to feel all the love for a while but I still loved him. For my love to grow afterwards would not have been possible -- I felt genuinely ripped off. But I did "want" more and it would have been easy to see that as love growing. Hellspells, I DID want more-- either him or a damn good explanation! Funny thing is I am certain I now know why and feel both love for him and profound sadness that he couldn't tell me. He was gay and I realised it watching Brokeback Mountain ending almost thirty years of wondering in one stunning moment recently. I cried too.
I think when love grows like Geoff describes it is a self imposed martyring to validate the love from one side only or a rewrite of what happened verging on denial out of an attempt to hang onto the person who they see as synonymous with love or as the only source of love they've ever known or will know. Once the truth of all that is realised (that the love was truly valid and there are many sources indeed) I would guess the artificially inflated love shrinks a bit. I see both men and women do this and it usually indicates to me that there needs to be more of a whole person in the mix so they aren't so easily swayed by love... which is why its wise to work on self and its advised so often behind a break up.
I still maintain that if you are using the L word on each other, you better be pretty transparent (read honest) to each other by then and with that should come some major understanding. If not, then what are you doing using that word? And those who leave without explaining don't know the real meaning of love. It is what makes no room for fear.
And there is my $2.50 worth LOL :eek: Sorry this is so long but it's a big (and worthy) topic - thanks Geoff! I hope it was worth reading.
