Unfortunately it sounds like you haven't met the nicest of men. I can't speak for every man in the world, but some are nicer than others.

You just have to find them. But I suggest that you back away from relationships until you've recovered from all your pain. When you are ready to meet new people, keep an open mind and make sure you get to know the person well before you get into a relationship.

A lot of couples don't realize what kind of relationship they're getting themselves in because they don't know the other person as well as they thought. Then things blow up in the relationship, but on many occasions, their personality were bound to clash, it's just a matter of getting to know each other better first instead of trying to force the issue.

I will compromise on anything but the involvement with other men, if she like the last seeks a guy out on the net 1 day meets for"coffee" the next. I will not compromise on any thing like that. Just a coffee friend my a$$. Nothing sexual my A## there's sexualy oriented comments on her page from him and his from her the day they met. Bs! Am I wrong here?

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Originally Posted by roamer1

i met someone like that and she got emotionally twisted by her son and ex while we were together. it took a wile before i made the commitment then life happened and she decided she needed to " find herself" and chose coffee guy. thats why this 1 got 3 strikes we matched on every level worked together better than any i've seen. this had been the best relationship till she" lost herself" threw the emotional crap she found. i dont understand it at all.

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Well maybe you need to find someone "independent" and "stable" but with those qualities previously mentioned. Earthy composure - meaning a bit more grounded in personality, life decisions, expectations, logical and solid backgrounds. Everyone gets emotional but there is a difference if something is going on and if there is an emotional crisis. Try to stay clear of someone with a lot of emotional turmoil and problems unless you are extremely drawn - you can't be the problem solver or the counselor or console partner - enter a relationship on solid ground and understanding.

I agree with I Wish and take some time to recover before you date again. Really get to know someone before you emotionally invest into the relationship... yes intimacy has to wait. Like wine (go figure)... the older it gets (or the longer you wait) the sweeter (the better the relationship) with time... take time.

How about giving us the WHOLE story here, instead of a rant about cheating?

Plus the ages of those people involved, please.

As far as the thoughts that go through a cheater's head, well... there are dozens of threads on here already about it. I cheated once--and while it wasn't the right thing to do, I still understand the reasons it happened. I am, however, sick of trying to defend myself on it, so go look back on older threads if you want answers from some of the people on this board who have admitted to cheating.

If you're not REALLY looking for those reasons, but have an actual situation you'd like advice on, then by all means elaborate on your post.

I'm a 35 year old man she's a 45 year old woman. I thought I knew her and believe I do better than any one the problem is after an emotional trial she doesn't know who she is any more and is acting out on old behaviors. Expecting me to catch her when she messes up. I know her and her behaviors good and bad. And in this situation her worst are flowing and I can't live with them. I do know her and she me but that don't seem to matter she's going to do what she wants regardless of anything and I know that. So I'm gone. I am just trying to understand why this seems to be a pattern.

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Originally Posted by roamer1

im a 35 year old man shes a 45 year old woman. i thought i knew her and believe i do better than any one the problem is after an emotional trial she dosent know who she is any more and is acting out on old behaviors. expecting me to catch her when she messes up. i know her and her behaviors good and bad. and in this situation her worst are flowing and i can't live with them. i do know her and she me but that dont seem to matter shes going to do what she wants regardless of anything and i know that. so im gone. i am just trying to understand why this seems to be a pattern.

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*Confused* What are we talking about? Pattern with her? Or most of your past experiences as well? What was the duration in length regarding the relationship? Provide more details if possible.

***It looks like you have another post on Adult Sexuality regarding cheating. What is the main issue? Do you want to know why she cheated? Do you want to know how to get past it? How is it we could help you through this? or What is your goal? - To heal or to remain upset as you are?***

Ahhh... here... I found it! Should merge threads or what?

im a 35 year old man. the last 3 cheaters have been 41, 35, and 45 over a period of 4 years. same things happened in each case. some external emotional turmoil and everything went out the window. agreements promises commitments and in every case it was a matter of them finding themselves threw dating or exploring there sexual sides. even tho our sex life was outstanding. they told me that i was there for them always and could not dream of a better mate but are so confused and need to "find themselves"

they all say to there family and friends it was the biggest mistake of there live and wont find another like me and would go back to me in a heart beat. so why cheat? why go else ware? why use an excuse to give them selves permission to do this when they know its wrong and they will regret it? where is any logic or since in this? why sabotage the 1 solid thing they have in there worst time of need when the have someone that is truly there for them? why would you stick your finger into a running table saw basically? it only hurts themselves in the long run. so why even consider doing it?

I'm a 35 year old man. The last 3 cheaters have been 41, 35, and 45 over a period of 4 years. Same things happened in each case. Some external emotional turmoil and everything went out the window. Agreements promises commitments and in every case it was a matter of them finding themselves threw dating or exploring there sexual sides. Even though our sex life was outstanding. They told me that I was there for them always and could not dream of a better mate but are so confused and need to "find themselves"

They all say to there family and friends it was the biggest mistake of there live and won't find another like me and would go back to me in a heart beat. So why cheat? Why go else ware? Why use an excuse to give themselves permission to do this when they know its wrong and they will regret it? Where is any logic or since in this? Why sabotage the 1 solid thing they have in there worst time of need when the have someone that is truly there for them? Why would you stick your finger into a running table saw basically? It only hurts themselves in the long run. So why even consider doing it?

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Originally Posted by roamer1

im a 35 year old man. the last 3 cheaters have been 41, 35, and 45 over a period of 4 years. same things happened in each case. some external emotional turmoil and everything went out the window. agreements promises commitments and in every case it was a matter of them finding themselves threw dating or exploring there sexual sides. even tho our sex life was outstanding. they told me that i was there for them always and could not dream of a better mate but are so confused and need to "find themselves"

they all say to there family and friends it was the biggest mistake of there live and wont find another like me and would go back to me in a heart beat. so why cheat? why go else ware? why use an excuse to give them selves permission to do this when they know its wrong and they will regret it? where is any logic or since in this? why sabotage the 1 solid thing they have in there worst time of need when the have someone that is truly there for them? why would you stick your finger into a running table saw basically? it only hurts themselves in the long run. so why even consider doing it?

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https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...en-403966.html

The pattern from the last 3 the first was 10 years older and lasted 2 years. The second was 1 year older and lasted 6 months. The last was 10 years older and lasted 7 months. They all went the same way.
1 thing I'm seeing is that when emotional upheaval happened they ran and dident want to deal just hide in something to numb them.

They seem emotionally unstable

Unfortunately, it isn't new. Cheating has been going on for about as long as there have been humans on Earth.

Dreams and reality very rarely co-exist peacefully. Just because a person has their 'dream mate' doesn't mean that the relationship, itself, is anywhere close to a dream.

I don't condone cheating. However, I do recognize that it is a symptom of other problems whether they are internal (for example: self-esteem) or external (for example: mate is never available). Something that everyone should try to be aware of is that there are better ways to handle those problems. Open and honest communication is a big one. Not leaving themselves open to temptation is another.

If a person is feeling any doubts about his/herself or the relationship, getting drunk at a party or becoming close friends with someone he/she finds attractive is asking for even more problems.

Cat I agree with everything you said here. I'm trying to find out how do I change this pattern?

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Originally Posted by roamer1

cat i agree with everything you said here. im trying to find out how do i change this pattern?

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You leave the situation and allow yourself to heal, before you find someone without all of her issues.

Let her 'find herself' on her own.

More of the story:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lf-402662.html

I want to know how to get past it. How to avoid it. And yes for the last 1 above all others why did she cheat?

She's on her own now. I don't intend on strike 4. I don't intend on giving trust where it has been destroyed. I'm to the point of just finding sex for sex sake and not involving any feelings any more. How could the same thing happen again? With the person I felt truly connected to? How do I change these things?

>Multiple Threads Merged<

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Originally Posted by roamer1

shes on her own now. i dont intend on strike 4. i dont intend on giving trust where it has been destroyed. im to the point of just finding sex for sex sake and not involving any feelings any more. how could the exact same thing happen again? with the person i felt truly connected to? how do i change these things?

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No such thing as 'sex for sex sake'. Not if you are a man instead of a 18 year old boy thinking only with his penis. Feelings are always involved. Those who say that they aren't are lying to themselves to make themselves feel better about using other people as sex aids. If you don't want a partner then stick with masturbation. Less chance of disease.

You need to take time out from ANY relationships and allow yourself to heal and to be able to move on without carrying the hurt from the past into the next relationship. Not all women are like she was. Don't let her issues become yours.

I've always taken time after a relationship. I'm definably not looking. I follow my gut heart and direction from a spiritual adviser. I'm just tired of spending the time to invest emotions in someone and have it always end the same. I have been more than responsible in my part and have been with only 9 woman for a reason. I just don't know. Maybe I'm searching for myself now.

Threads merged again!!!!

I have found the connecting thread (pattern) of my relationships. Rebounds.
When caught in a rebound (which I hope now I never do again) what are the dos and donts ? What can I learn hear about this to help me avoid them first off or deal with 1 if it comes?
As far as the last 1 I dident see where I would have known until it was too late like 4 months to late. What can I do in any case?

Your on to something, and besides rebounds, there is another pattern you need to know about. You chose partners who are not ready for what you want, and you have very high expectations of them, to be what you want them to be.

Too much, to fast, crash and burn.

Your trying to get a relationship, has gotten in the way of getting to know them a lot better, before committing to them, and expecting them to commit to you. I understand this and it comes from the insecurity of losing someone.

Talaniman Rule- Have fun getting to know some one without expectations, or the burden of commitment.

Talaniman Rule- Date them all, short tall skinny or small, 18 to 80, blind cripple or crazy. Then you won't get fixated on just one and can enjoy being single.

That is your problem, you fall fast, and expect too much from a stranger.

Just me, 6 months to a year will allow you enough facts to see what a person is really like. Also, a balanced life will help prevent you from losing your perspective, on a healthy life for yourself, without falling so fast for someone that doesn't feel the same as you. All new relationships have their best foot forward, and only time can tell if it's the real, or NOT.

Talaniman Fan Here :p!!!