Ask Me Help Desk - Who agrees with me?

OP, I am not sure if he was like this before you two start dating. To me, if I knew he likes to get drunk so often and party so much, I won't even start dating him!

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Originally Posted by zippit

he needs to know where the boundaries are for the relationship

We have tried to do that. We have set up 2 nights a week that I will know he is going out, but that didn't work either. The situation I am in now is that I am thinking of moving to be by my family. I don't want to be without him, but I am tired of being unhappy and feeling run over.

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Justcurious82;
I am 27, and he is 28. We have lived together for about a year. We do not have kids, I am currently unemployed so money is very tight, and he is a waiter.

You need something else to do, simply because he may be use to his freedom, and use to you working. With no kids, or a job, you have way too much time on your hands, and this will distance the best of guys. Especially when money is tight, and your nagging him, about spending time with someone who is doing what??

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I have told him that this hurts me, numerous times.

I bet that went over really well. Especially when it appears your doing nothing for yourself, and contributing nothing to the house. I know, you probably cook, and clean, but geez isn't that boring, to have to wait for someone to come home who doesn't want to put a shrimp on the bar-bee, or play cards?

I would be hurt to, and really board if I were you, and frustrated if I was him.

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Yes he did go to bars when I met him, but I just figured he was doing it cause he was single.

Let see, what did I do after work, when I was 27, and married with two kids?? Oh yeah, now I remember, I went to bars with the guys.

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Normal people settle down. I just want someone that wants to come home to me. I feel like our home and me should be his escape

I have been married more than 30 years, and when I need to escape, I go fishing, or to my man cave, home is what we escape from. You have nothing else to do, but try and change him instead, of having a life besides him. There is no excuse not to be busy with your own life, No lids, no job, and not trying to be harsh, but I would imagine he sees you doing nothing but nagging.

Please don't drive him away any further, but get your own act together and make your own changes to yourself, as you have many more adjustments to make with him, for sure. You depend on him way too much, for you to be happy.

If he was that happy, he would change himself, not because you want him to, but because he wants to. How long have you felt this way, and how long have you been unemployed?

I have only been unemployed for a few months. I have been looking for a job every day. I do my own things too, I hang out with friends, and have hobbies. I agree with you, I do rely too much on him.

I am going back to it's a habit for him and you need to do more to break it
Setting up two nights a week sounds good but here we go
"Hey hun..hmmm so and so just showed up and im going to hang here a bit"
Next thing you know its 3 am
If he was RIGHT with you it would not be necessary to SET UP anything, he would want nothing more than to come home after work

How many times have tried to do something special for him and he RUINED it by not coming home so you quit?

Its just a matter of maturing and growing together it is why christians <right or wrong> take classes before MARRIAGE so that's past you two so you have to gather things together,he's not going to do it,you have to set up where the relationship IS and where it is GOING

I don't like the fact that he spends money on drinks when money is tight.

Don't beat yourself up for relying too much on him. For some reason, us women are like that. We like to make our men the centre of our lives.

But since you're aware of this (a good sign) try to pry yourself away from depending on him. Because if something ever happens to your relationship, you're going to be put in a position where you will be very lonely. Just speaking from experience ;-)

It's going nowhere. I am ready to give up and move on. You are right on so many levels, I guess I am not the only person that goes through this. I now have lots of resentment built up inside. We live about 20 minutes from the bars he goes too, the other night he drove all the way home to get his debit card at 11pm and then went back to the bars.

Is he not spending anytime with you at all?

You say you're tired of being treated this way, perhaps there is another guy out there that will treat you better. I bet that hasn't crossed your mind because you love this guy but sometimes love just isn't enough.

Well I held back on this but isn't he headed for a DUI or killing himself or someone else?

Don't get me wrong it needs to stop its just how you go about it

I think over time, you both grow together, and set the boundaries, and define the relationship, and how best to WORK TOGETHER.

I doubt that a few months of being home is enough for him to change his routine, but I can see you being bored, and missing him.

I think you benefit, and feel better about yourself, with something more than just keeping house though. I also know that your just getting to the point of knowing him on a deeper level, and finding things out about yourselves, as well as each other.

This is usually when couple learn how to solve their conflicts, or find out if they are even willing to. The way you react is more important than the way he acts.

Drinking, and driving is stupid, even when I was doing it.

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Originally Posted by zippit

well i held back on this but isnt he headed for a DUI or killing himself or someone else?

dont get me wrong it needs to stop its just how you go about it

He has already had a accident. He says he only had a few and that he was looking at his phone. 6,000 dollars later, and he still hasn't learned. Should I just give up?

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Originally Posted by justcurious82

He has already had a accident. He says he only had a few and that he was looking at his phone. 6,000 dollars later, and he still hasn't learned. Should I just give up?

Depends what giving up is. Giving up the relationship? Giving up trying to change the situation?

Take a vacation, go home to mama and think about if all this is worth it to you.

Well its your move,there are no kids and he seems to be set on this self destructive path
I mean I'm a dumb -a** but I knew when it was time to settle down

Give up on the relationship. My family wants me to move to be closer to them, and I am seriously considering it. I told him that I would like him to go with me, and he said he has too much invested here. That should be my answer right there!

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Originally Posted by justcurious82

He has already had a accident. He says he only had a few and that he was looking at his phone. 6,000 dollars later, and he still hasn't learned. Should I just give up?

The proublem for him is he is in the industry with his job..
Just out of curious is he doing anything else besides drinking?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Take a vacation, go home to mama and think about if all this is worth it to you.

Got to spread the rep but this is the most classic line I've heard all day. I so agree with this. Take some time for yourself.

Let him grow up and realize that something is missing in his life and come after you. If he doesn't than I don't think its worth it.

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Originally Posted by zippit

The proublem for him is he is in the industry with his job..
just out of curious is he doing anything else besides drinking?

Like drugs? No

Most classic I thought
"go home to momma"was a bit harsh

Lol considering I don't have a momma