Heyy

I went through a very similar situation as you. In April my boyfriend dumped me after 2 years- if you go back and read old posts from months ago on this site- you will see mine- they are very similar to yours. My ex was also emotionally abusive. He treated me terribly- even after we broke up he continuied to treat me like dirt. I let him- and that still makes me sick. When I think of the pathetic things I did to try to get him back I cringe too. The thing is when you are emotionally abused- the pain lingers- read up on emotional abuse online- because some people do not understand it- but if you haven't been through emotional pain from someone you loved, then its hard to comprehend. Its like we are addicted to the pain our ex gave to us- unconsiously of course. Anyhow search for emotional abuse websites and educate yourself on it. Like u, I couldn't let go of the thought that my ex might come back for me. Sometimes I still have a thought of it- but I know he has moved on- he doesn't have a new girl- but he's done with me... I tried every way to get him back- even to the point of driving by his house just to see if he was home. Its been about 6 months and I am still struggling. I am depressed at times, I have a hard time sleeping and I cry a lot. Everything reminds me of him. I talk about him incesantly. I drive people crazy at times. But in the 6 months I have come a long way. The people on this site are very helpful. I got a lot of amazing advice from them. I have no contact as well... and I still- 6 months later- I check his websites and things to make sure he's single, read about his life in his blogs to see if he misses me or even mentions me. Its pathetic but I can't help it. But I'm trying. Try to do what val suggested- go to another site- or I find that restarting the computer works for me because I'm too lazy to wait for it to restart. Anyhow that book "its called a breakup because its broken" is amazing- it really helped me- I recommend it 100 percent. And like everyone has told you already- take time for u- take time to be single- do not rebound- and remmeber its OK to cry but make sure that you don't stay stuck in the grief. Its OK to feel sad, but try and get out of the house and hang out with friends- its hard but it works. Anyhow, I'm right here with u- its an everyday battle but it will get better with time- if you need to talk you can message me :)

Kandy, I suggest the classic, Codependency No More by Melody Beattie and if that doesn't grab you... Women Who Love Too Much or if that doesn't... Healing the Child Within. It all depends on where you are in yourself awareness as to what will engage you. I can answer any questions that may come up about relationships, boundaries and balance.

I applaud your positive steps, but don't be tackling too much too, okay? Easy does it, especially with you right now. You don't ask the man with the broken legs to run the 100 yd dash, well we don't ask the woman with the broken heart to remake herself over completely in a week either.

My ex broke up with me 4 months ago. He now has a new girlfriend. I feel like I have made great strides. I rarely cry anymore, I haven't called him in weeks, I make an effort to go out and have fun on my own and am working towards setting goals for myself and my future.
A guy friend of mine emailed me yesterday to tell me he met the ex' new girl. He said she was lame, boring and had a superiority complex. He said she totally didn't fit in with his friends the way I had.
I know he was saying this to make me feel better - but it made me crash into smethng worse.
I don't know why but it still gets to me, maybe because I still have conflicted strong emotions for him. I know he no longer cares for me at all. I was in a car crash a few weeks ago, I msg'd him to tell him how scary it was - he didn't even reply.
Everyone says I shouldn't care - just be happy that its not me stuck with him anymore. I wish I could feel this.
Is there something wrong with me for still feeling conflicted after 4 months?
I also feel responsible for us not getting back together because I lost it totally when he dumped me - I begged, pleaded, cried etc. And now I read that all that does is push someone away.
Is it my fault?

You probably did push him away. You sound like you were doing pretty well as far as moving on is concerned. From now on, when someone mentions your ex, even if it's just "to make you feel better", respond with something like "If you don't mind, I'd rather not talk about that. Let's change the subject please." Get back to doing the things you were doing. Accept that it's over. It's a closed chapter in your life. Keep having fun on your own and working towards your goals.

Yeah keep heading in the direction you were going.

Continue not to contact him. And his mate shouldn't be saying those things to her. Don't respond to them, or as cianci said just politely say that you aren't interested anymore as you've moved on from him and don't really care.

It is over and it is time you realised that. Don't text him to tell him things like you did. Yes you were in a car crash and it was scary. But why tell him. He isn't part of your life anymore. You were only doing this to try and get a reaction out of him and you didn't. And it hurt you.

So learn your lesson. He has moved on, and whether she is good or not, it doesn't really matter.

Your main priority should be yourself right now!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Skell

It is over and it is time you realised that. Dont text him to tell him things like you did. Yes you were in a car crash and it was scary. But why tell him. He isnt part of your life anymore. You were only doing this to try and get a reaction out of him and you didnt. and it hurt you.

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You are right. It freaked me out and the first person I thought of was him. A part of me hoped that he still cared about me, and he doesn't.
He doesn't miss me or think about me at all. He is happier without me in his life.
I just want to feel all of those things now as well. I want to be happy without him in my life, I don't want to miss him or think of him anymore.

It's bizarre how hard it is to destroy dreams you had about a life with someone you loved. Even when they hurt you, leave you, or betray you and your relationship. It's the dreams of the future that are always the last to die and the hardest to let go of.
I just want to believe the words "we just werent meant to be together" when I say them now.

I think now after reading this forum - I am lucky that this has happened to me.
I will get through this dark chapter in my life and will be a better, stronger person.
I really believe that if I can just get through this and be happy - I will have even more to offer myself and others.
Some people go through life only realising half of the potential they have in their person. I think surviving hardship and heartbreak are what separates those who are whole from those who have only half-lived.

Hi,

Well let m e say I feel for you. I'm going through a breakup with my fiancé 2 months ago.. No contact is gut wrenching but is really important.. I guess it is understandable that at first you begged and cried, after all, you were Heartbroken... This is not a game, you cannot always control feelings but limit others exposure to them.. I initially texted and called for the first week but then friends were telling me not to as it would push her away.. The best thing is no contact and to work on yourself and let him know you can survive without him, because the truth is, you can!

You never know, he may come back if you cease contact but it is best not to think like that but also remember that he left you, you were the one that was dumped for someone else! If you took him back, you would be second best, and that's not what you want to be.. You could do better and you will!!

In Time!!

Take Care!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kandy83

Is it my fault?

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It's not your fault, sometimes things happen for a reason.. Look at it as a journey to the perfect partner who loves you as much as you love him..

I read the post again and it does seem like he has moved on therefore unlikely that he will return, so best to remain out of contact and work on you, and don't feel regretful for the begging and texting at first... You were hurt, we all do things we regret but you could use this as a positive by learning from it... At least he knew you loved him so much and if it ever happens to him, which is likely (what goes around comes around) he will then understand what you went through!!

That's the way I am thinking regarding my situation with my ex!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kandy83

It's bizzare how hard it is to destroy dreams you had about a life with someone you loved. Even when they hurt you, leave you, or betray you and your relationship. It's the dreams of the future that are always the last to die and the hardest to let go of.
I just want to believe the words "we just werent meant to be together" when I say them now.

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It is the end of the dreams that hurt, letting go of an expectation. But you must build other dreams, just not with him. Love and respect yourself, don't contact him, be kind to you. If this man came back tomorrow would you trust him? I think the answer would be 'no'. When you look at it this way, why waste time even thinking it?

There is nothing wrong with you at all. You are still moruning the death of a relationship and it still hurts. That is so natural and to be expected. It will go on for a while and you will have feelings for you ex... forever. The difference will be you will have the strength to deal with it much better, so hey, you had a bad stretch and you will get through it and be stronger for it. Keep building a life with out him. IT WILL GET BETTER.

Scary that these feelings will last forever for our lost love, but tal must be right as I have heard this many times, that you will always love your ex, may not hurt in the same way though... I think time is a great healer.. Only 2 months for me so still quite fresh. You can't really put a timescale on it because every person has a different emotional make up and different circumstances in the breakup, but I am giving myself at least 6 months but maybe longer..

I don't think that only time will heal.. You need to focus on finding yourself again, live life as if he does not exist, occupy your mind and enjoy being single...

This is the best advice I have been given, but I understand it is easier said than done but I hope it will get better for you..

I wrote this - it kind of sums up how I feel

Black + white areas

No hands have touched this skin
Hours and moons have passed
I refused the right to begin
To live and for love that will last
And the hours go by..
Restlessly contorting the body writhes
Lips part to release sweet sigh
Though hollowed emptiness comprises
Much of me at this moment
In time, space and memory
Oxygen deprived - I need a vent
Twist thoughts to be happily
Ever after - a life content
Now everything is dulled
And your mostly gone
Connections annulled
This emotion is wrong
Out of place out of time
But your face refuses to die
Stays etched in my mind
Overwrites logic deemed high
Crammed in with harsh reality
Your loving some other
Why do I care? No sense to me
So why do I bother
These demons tempt me
Tearing me inside and up
Now this glass is half empty
Once overflowing was the cup
I did love you once
More than you will know
Seeped into my conscience
Never ever again though.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kandy83

My ex broke up with me 4 months ago. He now has a new girlfriend. I feel like I have made great strides. I rarely cry anymore, I haven't called him in weeks, I make an effort to go out and have fun on my own and am working towards setting goals for myself and my future.
A guy friend of mine emailed me yesterday to tell me he met the ex' new girl. He said she was lame, boring and had a superiority complex. He said she totally didnt fit in with his friends the way I had.
I know he was saying this to make me feel better - but it made me crash into smethng worse.
I don't know why but it still gets to me, maybe because i still have conflicted strong emotions for him. I know he no longer cares for me at all. I was in a car crash a few weeks ago, i msg'd him to tell him how scary it was - he didnt even reply.
Everyone says i shouldn't care - just be happy that its not me stuck with him anymore. I wish i could feel this.
Is there something wrong with me for still feeling conflicted after 4 months?
I also feel responsible for us not getting back together because i lost it totally when he dumped me - i begged, pleaded, cried etc. And now I read that all that does is push someone away.
Is it my fault?

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I know how you feel, my ex used to work with me, and people in my work assume that when I don't go to some of the parties, that it is because he might have been invited there. It puts me in an awkward position as someone in my work was going to hire him for a job too, but I said I didn't want to see him if he came to my office, or speak to him. The thing is we didn't end on bad term or anything but if people mention your ex you don't want to look paranoid by saying I don't want to talk about it, but on the other hand, you would prefer if people didn't always talk to you about that.

I like what you wrote to sum up how you feel, it seems to help writing things down. What we are going through feels like a death, except the person isn't dead, they are getting on with life and I think this confuses us further.

You don't say why you broke up in the first place, sometimes it takes going back to the scene of the crime to figure out what happened. Many times, in retrospect, we find that things are not and were not always what they seemed. Maybe you might find that you were a little clingy or too needy of him and his time. Maybe he was not as close to you as you would have liked and your emotions pushed him farther away. I'm not asking you to dwell on the past, just be honest and real and it may give you answers. Those answers are often times keys to our freedom and allows us to move forward.

Feelings and emotions are normal, you're normal, what makes a difference is what you do with those feelings. They are energy, use them to push yourself in the right direction.

Lissen there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.. You loved him and its OK to still care for him even though some time has gone by.. I was in a similar situation.. but I learned that since I couldn't change the fact that he was gone to just deal wit it.. and to cope with the fact that he no longer wants me... it really hurt me and it still does... I just try not to think about him as often.. I don't lissen to songs that can remind me of him or like my friends talking about him.. and only time can help you in this... try dating and just getting him out of your head..

Carry on what your doing kandy, but now, you need 2 try and find a new partner... someone hoo you can rely on and will stikwitu forever.

Some of you may remember me from previous posts. Its been over 6 months since my boyfriend dumped me. (First time on my birthday - then begged to get me back - then did it again - his reason - we just don't get along) I recently found out that his new girlfriend is a girl he took me on a double date with before we broke up. She was with one of his friends at the time. This has made me realise how scummy he is. Firstly he didn't admit he was attracted to this particular girl, secondly - she was with his own friend!
It still hurts to think about but this new knowledge has really shed some light on the sort of person I was with.
Now anytime I feel I miss him - I just think about this - it helps a little.
Other than that I look better than I ever have. I am still being wary of guys but I think this time on my own has made me into a better woman.
I hope some of you benefit from my story - just know - sometimes these things really do happen for a reason. I am now ten time the woman I was previously.
'Be patient and tough. One day this pain will be useful to you'. Ovid.

It's amazing how different people can turn out, from what you thought they were like. It is quite scary actually.

<<I am now ten time the woman I was previously.
'Be patient and tough.>>

GOOD FOR YOU!!
Totally agree! I am getting to 10 times the woman I was previously also!
This heartbreaking stuff really toughens you up!

On a lighter note ! If I were ten times the woman I was the op would have cost me a fortune... lol.

Well done for realising this, sometimes evan when the truth about someone is staring us in the face, we do not accept it because we do not wish to see it !

Glad you have not done this, you have saved yourself an awful lot of hurt.

<<On a lighter note ! If I were ten times the woman I was the op would have cost me a fortune... >>

Ha ha good one! And don't worry onlineguy there are a few nice girls still around ;-))

<<sometimes evan when the truth about someone is staring us in the face, we do not accept it because we do not wish to see it !
>>

Exactly!

No contact is so great for this.