Ask Me Help Desk

I'm 22, honest, single and not a slut because that's how it should be. I understand where your coming from Chuff.. maybe it is me too. I think he really expected a kiss last night, but it was just awkward. We were in the car and it didn't happen. He wants me to start it. I don't know. I really like him, but I want to make it right. He texted me earlier today, but hasn't answered me tonight,, wonder what he's up too. Oh well. Maybe we should talk.

Why don't you ask him how he feels about it , he may be as confused about all this as you are.

If you don't communicate it won't work out anyway.

Age gap didn't work out.

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Hello all,

I know some of you followed my other 2 posts...
It turns out... the past couple days I hadn't heard from him in a bit. Something didn't seem right. So I asked him if he wanted to hang out again. He said sure, but only as friends. He needs to be single right now to accomplish his goals. Blah, blah.
What kind of is this? He leads me on... taking me out and.. calling me... and then that was it. One day there, gone the next. I was so upset. I felt like I did something wrong or I wasn't good enough... not smart enough. The one time I try to start something with someone it goes to and now I just feel down on myself. Like I was wrong.
I don't know what to tell my parents. They are asking, oh what happened to your friend? Blah blah. I can't tell them it didn't work out because he didn't want a relationship. It makes me seem not worthy and like a mistake and not good enough. PLus I haven't been with someone in forever and they were happy for me. Of course it was never OFFICIAL... but you got to think something if he's taking you out and acting close to you.
I'm finding it hard to smile. I have a lump in my throat. In this short time this ruined me. Played me. And ripped my heart.

What do I do? What do I think/ how do I get over this gay ?
I don't like feeling this way.

Thanks.

Hey,to get a better understanding of your situation I looked through your other posts and threads started.

You've been through a lot.

This guy let you down,its time to focus on you and get your head in order so this does not happen again.

Its easy to tell your parents, you just say,he was not interested in a long term relationship and I did'nt want to waste my time.

Work on your confidence and self esteam,only you can change you.

Don't rely or wait on the man of your dreams to come save you,its not going to happen.

Learn this time.

Stay on your own for a while,find out how to love yourself,it's the key to freeing yourself from self destructing.

This is the second time threads have been merged for you. Please do NOT start a new thread for the same issue.

No no this is not the thread I was talking about. Its another one. And I'm sorry.

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Originally Posted by justme005

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It turns out... the past couple days i hadn't heard from him in a bit. something didn't seem right. So i asked him if he wanted to hang out again. He said sure, but only as friends. He needs to be single right now to accomplish his goals. blah, blah.

But from his perspective, this "relationship" wasn't going anywhere. You were acting as a friend, and worse yet you were questioning every motive he had and everything about him. No guy wants that and for that matter no woman wants that. If we were dating would you want me questioning why your single, why you didn't call, why you did call, why are you interested in me, why are you older, why, why, why?

You were never content to just let it be what it was. There were always more questions and at some point people get tired of feeling like they are under a microscope. A relationship develops and you have to let it develop over time. Questions will come up, but to be hit over the head from the beginning with questions that are kind of stand offish doesn't lead one to wanting to spend more time with that person.

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Originally Posted by justme005

What kinda is this? he leads me on... taking me out and .. calling me... and then that was it. one day there, gone the next.

He in no way, absolutely 100% no way lead you on. If anything, you lead him on. You allowed him to take you out, you wouldn't do anything to further the relationship or even explain that you want to take things slow so he's left wondering, "what the hell is going on here?"

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Originally Posted by justme005

I was soo upset. I felt like i did something wrong or i wasn't good enough... not smart enough.

I hate how you term that as doing something wrong. I say this as someone who has done thousands of things wrong in relationships, but you did make some mistakes or do some things wrong so to speak. In no way should you get hung up on it, but instead learn from it. But he was clueless what you wanted, and you went from hot to cold to hot to cold. He could never figure you out because you were questioning his every motive. I mean you actually questioned why he was 30 and single? Who cares? What did this have to do with anything? For him to be met with that attitude is not a good time for him. For him to have to defend things that in no way need to be defended is going to put a wedge between you. In that sense, I would call it a error in judgment.

As for not being smart enough, you are smart enough. Your smarts have nothing to do with this, and there is no reason to start questioning yourself at that level. I know you like him, but he's one guy and you shouldn't think of yourself as stupid because he's not interested. We have a tendency after something like to make it a personal reflection of ourselves that goes deeper then what it is. It has nothing to do with your character or education or anything else you hold personal to yourself. Don't start tearing yourself down over a guy, in fact use this experience to build yourself up. I've learned more about relationships by looking back after the fact and realizing what I did wrong, what I could improve on, and where I was right and the other person was wrong. Something like this can actually propel you to something better if you choose to use it that way.

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Originally Posted by justme005

The one time i try to start something with someone it goes to and now i just feel down on myself. Like i was wrong.

Did you not fall down when you first started to walk? Did you not fall off the bike when you first started to ride it? Did you not learn letters before reading books? It's not the one time you had a bad experience, it's what you learned and improved on that came from it.

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Originally Posted by justme005

I don't know what to tell my parents. They are asking, oh what happened to ur friend? blah blah. I can't tell them it didn't work out bc he didnt want a relationship. It makes me seem not worthy and like a mistake and not good enough.

Why can't you tell them that? How would that make you seem not worthy or a mistak or good enough? Next time they ask, say "he wasn't interested in a relationship at this time, it's cool and I'm moving on."

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Originally Posted by justme005

PLus i havent been with someone in forever and they were happy for me.

They are still happy for you. Do you honestly think they are going to love you less or think less of you because of a guy?

Just like you did with him, you are doing with your parents. You are over analzing everything. You try to make everything perfect, when in fact nothing is ever going to be perfect so you start coming up with reasons it isn't perfect, but then you have figure out if those reasons are perfect, and if not what would be a perfect reason for not having a perfect reason. It just goes on and on.

It didn't work out. End of story.

See how easy that was. That's all you have to say because that's all it is.

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Originally Posted by justme005

Of course it was never OFFICIAL... but u gotta think something if he's takin u out and actin close to you.

But you never acted that way back to him, so from his perspective, how could he think anything.

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Originally Posted by justme005

I'm finding it hard to smile. i have a lump in my throat. In this short time this ruined me. played me. and ripped my heart.

First of all, you are not ruined. Second of all he didn't play you. Third of all, your heart is still beating fine, because you wrote this. I understand you are hurting but you are also letting a bad moment which will be a blip on your radar in the grand scheme of your life control your emotional state. You can smile, you can find good things in life. Again, you are so focused on everything being perfect with what everybody thinks, but you've never taken time to make sure what you think is perfect for your own emotional health.

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Originally Posted by justme005

What do i do? what do i think/ how do i get over this gay ?

Well if he's gay this should not be a problem getting over.

Read the sticky's about getting over someone, but I also suggest using this time to create some value about yourself from within yourself. Look your 22, not sleeping around, caring, fun, family oriented, and sensitive to other people. You have a lot of great characteristics guys like, but you have to focus on those and be happy with those for yourself before you can share it with another person. It's only when you appreciate what you have to offer someone else, will they appreciate it as well.

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Originally Posted by justme005

I don't like feeling this way.

Thanks.

Nobody does, but it won't be there forever, and hopefully you'll see this as an opportunity to grow from this temporary pain into something permanently strong.

Did you ever think you to were not as compatible as you wished you were? Relax, that's what dating is all about. Having fun getting to know each other enough to find out if your THAT compatible or not. He doesn't seem to think so, but NOT a big deal, there are others who are.

Next time don't be so distracted by your own feelings, and miss paying attention to the person.