Yeah I understand she needs to feel like an indepdent person to be part of a committed and healthy relationship. I also get that at the moment we are not a couple and that I need to focus on my own life which I am doing. Your advice is all valid and I appreciate it.

But if you are a relationship expert, then surely you must have seen a broad spectrum of people and situations and I find it hard to believe people never get back together after these situations. I am following my own life, meeting new people and new women in particular but not with a view to a relationship.

There must be a course of action that I can take however in addition that would put me in the best position to be there if she decides she wants to reconcile. I am not waiting for this as obviously this is an unhealthy move, however I know that I am not ready to get into another relationship now.

So would it be best to limit or conversations as I do, to not be too friendly but to retain that distinction that I am not solely a friend but also a romantic interest. I hope that I have put my point across as I have intended to do so and any further points are greatly appreciated.

I understand your premise, I really do, but reality is, its YOU, who must focus on YOU, so you can make good decisions for YOURSELF, and hanging around hoping, is not productive or healthy.

Sure, you worry she will forget you and all that, but if you are meant to be a healthy couple then you must be healthy. That's important, and something you do alone. Her decision to be with you, MUST be her choice, without your influence.

Another important point, is false hope playing tricks on your mind where all you care about is her changing her mind, and you miss the reality of other options, and opportunities, right under your nose.

To be healthy, you have to have a healthy, realistic, perspective, to see what's really going on, and have a plan to deal with that reality. Emotional decisions without facts, rarely work well, and only look good on paper.

Well thought out plans, based on facts, and not just feelings, are what works best, and keep you from listening just to a broken heart, or the hole in your soul.

I could write volumes on this, but the bottom line is, you making a healthy decision on your course of action, and accepting your situation, and dealing with it positively, and pro actively, is what makes a difference between a good choice, and a not so good one.

Yes people do get back together. That comes with time, and there are no guarantees, just hard decisions.

Thanks for the reply, once again it has struck a chord. I think you are right and that it is important to focus on me as if we were to reconcile at some point, I would want to know it was our individual choices, not pressure from one person or the other.

I think I am going to focus back on my own life for a while, especially through the next six months as I have some important career developments coming up and I am going to try to use these as a primary distraction from being involved in her life.

Ultimately I want her to be happy, as cheesey as it sounds, and if she needs to give her heart a break from what has been almost 10 years of relationships then I understand this and hopefully she can see that life on her own is do-able but much more fulfiling when you can share it with someone.

I am not going to sit around hoping or waiting for a time when we could get back together, even though right now that is all I can think about and the thought of her with someone else makes me feel sick to the pits of my stomach. Instead I have to develop myself, walk my own path and have faith that ifit is meant to be, that in the future she will realise the quality of the relationship we shared and this will bring us back together.

It is ironic that the hardest thing I have had to do in my life so far, is to actually do nothing and let this woman walk out of my life and into a new chapter of hers.

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Originally Posted by JC172

It is ironic that the hardest thing I have had to do in my life so far, is to actually do nothing and let this woman walk out of my life and into a new chapter of hers.

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Was the hardest thing I have ever done thus far.

Absolutely agree with kctiger. It sucks *ss but it has to be done. Hang in there buddy.

Me too! It's hard and it sucks seeing them walk. Its really for the best though.

It was the hardest thing in my life as well. I am 26 and it was the first time my heart got broken. It has to happen to all of us though so we learn how to grow and become better adults.

Thanks for all the messages guys, I appreicate all of the support and help - I know we have all been through something similar in our lifetimes.

Can I ask one more question for public response - it is to do with how I manage the relationship I will obv need to have with her from now on:

Basically I am just wondering how I prevent myself from just drifting into the 'friends zone' as we all know it. Don't get me wrong, I am not going to be sitting around pining over this but I am a guy who likes to have a plan and an idea of where I am going and how to get there and with this in mind, I would like to hear peoples opinions on how I remain as a guy she was / is / whatever interested in as a boyfriend and not just become another 'guy friend'.

I may not be explaining this particularly well but I know she is still confused and has not closed the door on us, just that after 10 years of almost constant relationships since 15, it has taken its toll and she needs this space. I understand, she can have it and I will focus on me, thus trying to make the healthy choice as Talania put it.

However I do not want any future chance to be ruined by us slipping into just being friends. I am certainly not ready to look at other women from a dating capacity, although I will be eventually and she will be the same - what is the best courseof action for me to take so that if she does get to the point of being ready for a relationship, that I am not written off as just another friend?

Thanks guys, I know this is an odd question but it has been flying around my mind and I would appreciate your input.

I'm in a similar boat... my girlfriend decided that it's not working for her after 3 years... I am probably myself to blame... but she does not feel she wants to try again... I'm seeing her these days... and I'm going to councilling with her in a hope that she can see I am prepared to work hard in order to improve... but the inevitable is that she will probably walk away... and I feel that come Sunday night, I will have to bite the bullet and give her clothes, take mine back and cut contact... It's difficult as when seeing her, I am clinging on to hope... and I can see she is not 100% sure... but is determined... it's the hardest decision I am going to have ever made and I'm 35... I have had relationships, but no one has touched my heart, mind & soul to the extent that she has... I'm going to have to disconnect from her Facebook profile, as the thought of seeing her with another guy, would hurt beyond belief... Everyone here says NC, and although I know it will mean no more contact and it's a really tough decision to make, it's the only one for my sanity... I just hope I am able to do it by the end of the wknd...
What hurts the most is that I could have prevented all of this!
Good luck to you.

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Basically I am just wondering how I prevent myself from just drifting into the 'friends zone' as we all know it.

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By not being around and available at her every whim. You will remain a mystery by staying away. Since you are not around, she will not be able to put you in the same grouping as her friends, because you are not available to her like her friends are.

You shouldn't worry about that right now. Just focus on yourself. Most of the time, things have a weird way of working out for the better. Just do your thing and if things work out where a relationship between you and her develops in the future, it will have to happen on it own with out any influence from you. This means you cannot go forward in life hoping this will happen. If you do, it never will and you will be just as hurt when it doesn't happen as you were when you guys broke up.

You have to let go of the past and live life now with hope for yourself and what the future holds for YOU!

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Basically I am just wondering how I prevent myself from just drifting into the 'friends zone' as we all know it.

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Disappear from her life, and get one that you enjoy without her. The more you talk as exes, not only will you have false hope of getting her back, but she will think your okay with being like her girlfriends, and emotional tampon for her feelings, and a willing ear to vent. That's no fun at all, nor is it good for your own healing. Leave the future to the universe, and make your plans, for yourself, that don't include her, whatsoever.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Disappear from her life, and get one that you enjoy without her. The more you talk as exes, not only will you have false hope of getting her back, but she will think your okay with being like her girlfriends, and emotional tampon for her feelings, and a willing ear to vent. Thats no fun at all, nor is it good for your own healing. Leave the future to the universe, and make your plans, for yourself, that don't include her, whatsoever.

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I think I'm beginning to realise that this forum is more about self preservation than getting ones ex back... which is fair enough... and I suppose 3% of the time there is a happy ending... I suppose I should be grateful... just the pain... incredible... never had my stomach churn this way before!

This website is about preserving your own self worth and dignity during break-ups.

Everyone on this forum has experienced this kind of heart ache at some point in their lives. Although the scenarios seem different, many times there are similarities in everyone's situations that are very similar.

The fact of the matter is, the VAST majority of couple who break-up DO NOT get back together. We are here to help people see their situations for what they really are, from an unbiased, clear thinking, outsiders perspective. We all give advise from our own personal experiences with break-ups. Use this site as a tool to HELP make your own decisions and to gain knowledge about how to act from people who have walked this same path before you.

It makes it 100 times easier in the long run. You don't have to listen, but usually many people are better off when they do.

Yeah sensible advice man, I am starting to see that maybe her asking for space is just her saying she isn't that into it, or me for that matter.

In a way that helps but in the other I am struggling to understand why she would not just speak her mind and also become a bit angry if that is it, as I could accept if someone had moved on but saying I need space implies feelings are still there I think.

Its time to focus on me I think, and realise that there are women out there who wouldn't need this 'space' or whatever it is, because although it was intense, we were both to blame for it being that way.

Sorry, bit of a cynical rant there but just needed to vent it.