Originally Posted by
LJDK
thank you all for the inspiration and approval. Means a bunch.
Although i might be having second thoughts at times, i made up my mind. If she chooses the bad road, then so be it. But only when that is 100% certain can i quit.
That's a clear, courageous decision. You might declare it to her as a commitment that you will be there unless she tells you it's over, which she could do by choosing her habit over you.As I rote earlier, it will be hard for her to put you first, but there's a chance.
She does see me as some sort of authority and i can see the resentment in her eyes. Mostly due to my controlling behaviors which only became evident now. I will try my best to just enjoy the ride. Overall this is something i have not been able to do in a while. Just go with the flow so to speak.
This raises an important point. If you are to be a force for sobriety, you will need to set boundaries (limits) regarding acceptable behavior (how you treat each other), nights out clubbing (Yer not 18 no more, dude) amounts of drugs (your goal is near zero; hers has no shape yet), and consistently reinforce them. She will repeatedly test those boundaries and see you as both a pain in the butt for holding to them (the authorities) and a source of stability, comfort, and safety for being reliable with them. (a beacon)
At the same time,"going with the flow," which you state is not your greatest skill, is necessary. To lead the two of you toward addiction's exit door, you need to join with her first, mentally and emotionally, and then move yourself toward the door. You have already been doing both of those: joining with her and planning your separation from substance abuse. To the degree that she is attuned to you, she will follow. You will walk a fine line between pacing (moving in synch with her) and leading (changing the pattern). If you lose her, or when she relapses (not "if") your first action must be to go back to pacing. You can't pull her out of the pattern she is in by yanking on her from above, from some superior position, but you can move shoulder-to-shoulder as a gentle leader-follower pair. If she also makes the commitment, there will be times in which she might lead.
What i am trying to get her to understand is that it is not the drug itself that bothers me, but more the following days after use where i come 2nd to her next high, the mood swings and the constant tiredness when coming down.
Sorry to hear this Fuzzy. funny you should say that you thought about not loving her anymore. I feel like that sometimes, until we have a huge fight then i realize i still do. :/
She is starting to realize and admit there is a problem which is a good thing. People change as they grow, so although it might be wrong of me to expect change, at least i am hoping for positive changes in lifestyle. I do not expect her to stop clubbing at all. That would just be wrong. But surely i can look forward to the day where we are both sober.
I told her last night i am stopping pot and everything. Will lead by example as suggested. Damn its hard growing up. Can hardly look after myself and now i tackle this. And just for the record, our communication is actually picking up. We are talking more openly than ever before which gives me comfort for what the future holds.
I compromised a lot this weekend. We actually went out Friday Saturday and Sunday. Can really do with sleep. I think it should become easier with time to enjoy her activities almost as much as i enjoy the quietness of the bush veld.
