The truth shall set you free..

Could I just clarify your original question..

Were you in the relationship when you told her?

Or were you already broken up but still on speaking terms?

We had broken up but were on speaking terms. To be honest it felt like a grey area. She'd said I could see other women and even sleep with them but it still felt like she was still hoping we would still get together once I'd gotten that out of my system.

Do you think you did the right thing for you?

You were both in no mans land.

Time to pick up your life and get going.

I think in the long run it's the right decision. I just didn't think it would hurt even a little but it still does.

The end of a relationship is always hard,start no contact,give yourself a chance to heal.

The stickies at the start of the relationship thread have great stories of love loss hurt no contact and redemption.

Threads merged

I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. Things hadn't been good for a long time and I was unhappy. After we broke up, I went back to her and told her I did love her and wanted her back but needed to sort out my head as I was confused and wasn't sure what I wanted. She told me to take the time out and see what I really wanted and to venture with other women if that's what I wanted to do, because she was scared of being hurt again and she wanted me to be sure I knew what I wanted.

I met a girl during the time apart, who I went on a few dates with, spoke with constantly and kissed. I really liked this girl and when I spoke to my girlfriend during the break, I told her I had sort of been seeing someone and she told me to have a good life and that she wished me the best. The problem now is, I miss her dreadfully. I've told the other girl that though she's lovely and probably everything I would want in a girl, I still miss my ex and need time. The other girl has been very understanding and she told me to take the time out if I need it but that she isn't going to wait forever, which I can understand.

The gist of my question is, I love my ex-girlfriend but we weren't right or happy for so long. I miss her so much and it hurts. Should I go back and we can try and work through our problems? Start afresh? Does that ever work? Also, I got hurt in that relationship I've realised I've become so sceptical about love. I've got this whole mistrust/expectation of doom going on. And what do I with the new girl? She's awesome but am I really ready for such a step?

I think you should back away from both girls...

Your on an emotional hurting spree,including yourself.

Stop.

Be on your own.

Stop wreaking your head and the two girls as well.

Focus on yourself,mature as a man and then think about a relationship.

Thanks. I think I'm just confused right now. At times I think I'm fine. Then at others, things are less clear.

You broke up with your girlfriend because you needed to clear your head,but just jumped back into the fire with someone else,half forming a relationship and an attachment..

Go back to your orignal idea,and take the time.

Work on yourself this time.

Do what you set out to do,perhaps you will get the head clearence you desire.

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Originally Posted by cdavison

Thanks. I think I'm just confused right now. At times I think I'm fine. Then at others, things are less clear.

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These kinds of thoughts are the exact reason why you need to be on your own and work on yourself. Until you've given yourself enough time to heal from the break up, you shouldn't ben worrying about "what if's" or "is it possible that". Just focus on the healing process first.

I've never been the type to be hung up over a girl which is why this is new territory I guess. I normally heal very quickly. If something doesn't work, I cut my losses and sort of move on knowing I tried my best. But with my ex, she's still in my head.

My sister suggested I wrote a list about why I would go back to her and why I wouldn't, realised going back would be a mistake. But it's the fact that I have these moments that I just don't get. Shouldn't it be black and white? I miss her but KNOW I shouldn't go back, not these doubts that creep up on me. I guess I must have loved her and probably, at some level, still do but know I shouldn't be with her.

The other girl, I think, I've met at the wrong time. She's everything I would want in a girl but I'm not everything I'd want to be in a relationship. I just don't feel like me...

You say you just don't feel like yourself-I think you need some time to figure out who you are.
After a breakup its only normal to feel sadness and loss even if the relationship was not too great.I don't think it's a great idea to not allow ourselves to grieve the end of a part of our life.
Be good to you-look after you and wait for quite some time before becoming emotionally involved again.

You need lots of time alone. Right now you are hurting your ex, your new girlfriend and most importantly yourself. You need to break it off with the ex and the girlfriend and explain to them in a thoughtful manner that you need some time alone.

The reason for having time alone is to appreciate yourself and you will much clearer for what you want in the future. Don't stay with any of them by telling yourself you're not going to find someone else, there is plenty of fish out there.

It's natural to miss someone after a breakup. It doesn't mean you belong together. If you really wanted to be with her you wouldn't have needed to be on a break to begin with. Couples that are committed to each other work through things, they don't walk way, in my opinion anyway.

I agree with the others. You don't belong in a relationship right now. The new girl would just be the rebound. Take some time for you to figure things out.

I think you're feeling sentimental for your ex. This is normal but it doesn't necessarily mean that you want to be with her again. This is what happens before you actually decide if you want to end it for good or go back (you're jittery). Because of this, I would suggest that you make the decision after you weather the storm of emotions you're being pounded by.

It's the rare couple (extremely rare, actually) that can get back together, start fresh and move forward without the same problems as before. I personally have never got back with an ex but from what I have seen from a few close friends who have done so, nothing really changes except the expectations that each party now have for their partners bahaviour. People don't really change (and if they do, the process takes a longer time than both parties are willing to endure). You can't change your personality towards a person by being away from them (especially in a romantic relation). This is something you need to do while you're around each other so you can go through the growing pains of change. This doesn't happen during time apart. This is why I think getting back with an ex doesn't work.

You said that this new girl would be good for you but the timing was off. Explain this to her and see what she says. I think the new girl or the quest for a new girl would be best. I wouldn't go back to your ex because of feelings of familiarity and comfort because it will bite you in the a-- eventually. You said that you weren't willing to take the step with the new girl but you are considering to take that step with your ex (again). This is why I feel you're going back for feelings of familiarity and sentimentality. Once you're in the mindset of the single man and can think clearly about what you want and expect your thoughts will be much more understandable and you'll be ready to take all the necessary steps in whatever relationship you do decide to pursue.

Wow! Thank you so much. This feels exactly like what I'm going through. I guess I do need to weather the emotional storm and then decide in the calm. That was awesome advice.

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Originally Posted by cdavison

Wow! Thank you so much. This feels exactly like what I'm going through. I guess I do need to weather the emotional storm and then decide in the calm. That was awesome advice.

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The only advice I can add to all of this is to remember that all of this will still be here any time you need to review it.

Any updates will get you more and probably clearer advice.

As you are finding out, jumping from one female to another is a disaster (and no fun at all).

You can't skip the healing process, and expect another to just fill the hole in your soul. It doesn't work that way, and its not realistic.

Get over the ex, and then I'll bet you don't even want her back. Then you will be ready to explore your other options, and opportunities, that life will present.

Only after you heal can you see the possibilities in another relationship, without the ex haunting your thoughts, and clouding your judgment.

Cdavison I'm going through the same thing as you are. My girlfriend of 2 and half years cheated on me with a married man and still told me she wanted things to work out. I looked back and it seemed like I was doing most of the work in the relationship and there were so many times I wanted out and I was stressed out of my mind with her and trying to please a self centered girl. It was almost impossible to deal with. Yes there are tiny moments where they do give you some happiness but when I look back most of it was me being stressed in trying to please her crazy ways. Now I'm a week in to NC and it has done wonders for me. Yes I still am curious about her and thinking about her but my outlook in life is much more different than the week after we broke up. It's a slow but sure process and I do believe time off being alone can help.