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Originally Posted by tree56

Now, straight to my point: you & are your ex seem to be very mature. Be glad that she left the lines of communication open. You still have some moves to make, but you gotta be careful, pal.

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I appreciate the kind words of advice and I'm sorry for your similar situation.

I got some time today to talk to my family and friends. While I didn't come to any conclusions, it feels good to let it out.

I haven't contacted her. I don't plan on it for at least a few days. Maybe longer. We do have some unresolved issues outside our relationship so just never talking again really isn't an option (i.e. what the hell are we going to do with an apartment we just re-signed a lease to... 2 weeks ago?).

I've been trying to stop smoking for months now... it's really hard but NC with someone this close is almost unbearable. We've told each other we love them everyday for 5 years, how can that just "stop"? (I'm not really looking for an answer to that question... just what's going through my head!)

Thanks again everyone for listening, it's nice to know there's life after this pain.

I read your story and I really know how it feels to be lost alone in love it's a world of confusion and depression. If you haven't did anything wrong and she's simply unhappy for no apparent reason then sweetie it's not you at all. She's the one who seems to be confused. It's obvious you love her dearly and for her to step out like that wasn't right at all I think you should just take it step by step and you two should talk and figure out what is really wrong but for the mean time just give yourself time to heal up and get use to be alone for a while and it will get easier for you I promise

Ok from what I can tell everyone who has responded to your posting are guys... So let me give you a little advise from a woman...

I was married at the age of 19 for 5 years.. I loved my husband but then we started going out on our own with our friends and sometimes together... let me tell you there is a lot of temptation out there and I don't care who you are there is always someone better then you, someone who talks to her the way she wants to be talked to... I saw things in other guys that I liked but my husband didn't have... thats how we ended, the same way you and your girlfriend ended... I was unhappy, young and wanted to test the waters. This is going to be harsh but she probably cared about you enough to end it before she knew she was going to make an even bigger mistake and cheat... she met someone else but of course she still cares for you and does not want to hurt you... I am not just blubbering... I have been in the same situation she is in and that is exactly what it sounds like from what you have said...

I wasn't myself, had nothing really to talk to him about, and was thinking to myself all the time how I should tell him and the easiest thing to do was to tell him I wasn't happy..

It sucks but from what it looks like you don't want to believe she may have met someone else

You will be fine, take it one day at a time and good luck if you do get back together...

It seems like you love each other, but you sound like you miss your long-term roommate rather than missing a romantic partner.
You love her, but there is no passion in how you describe your relationship. I think passion in a relationship is important.

We've always had passion really, but yes honestly it has seemed to fade these past months. I chalk that up to working long, getting in a bad routine, and sometimes I think that time apart is good to break that routine. But really I can't deal with breaking up every time we have busy hours. If we ever get back together, this is the first thing that has to change.

I was doing pretty good with the NC thing, granted it had only been 24 hours, I was happy with myself for not caving. This morning I took a shower and when I got out I noticed that I had a text from her. Basically said have a good day. Pretty much identical to what I texted her yesterday. I was confused as to why she was texting me, again it was she that wanted the time apart. Was she lonely, guilty, or something else? The only conclusion that I could come up with was that she is confused right now. She doesn't know what she wants but thinks maybe if she keeps a little contact she'll at least have an option. Needless to say, I cracked. I texted her back. Again nothing about us, a quick joke, a couple texts back and forth. I kind of regret it now, it's like I'm just getting my hopes up... but I really can't blame myself. I still love her, despite what she is doing, and while I think I can get over that... I'm not sure that I want to (at least not this fast). I don't plan on talking to her this weekend, instead I'm looking forward to hanging out with my family. While I miss her and want nothing more than for us to be together, I think that it's time she misses me. Hell if she doesn't then maybe this love I feel wasn't what I thought it was.

Thought I provide an update, more so for myself as I feel like the biggest piece of in the world.

After a couple days of seemingly no contact with each other, I asked her to come over so we could talk about where we stood. I spent a couple days reflecting on what I wanted in a relationship, what I could change to make our relationship better. I made a list of about 15 things that I thought could help us. Stupid little things like take a class together, hold hands, be more open about our feelings towards one another. She came over, we ordered some food, and I talked for a good hour going through this list and what I have learned about myself. I was confident that she would be receptive and hopeful that things might find a way to work themselves out. She looked at me, told me she had to be strong. Said that she had to work on things by herself right now, maybe it was the biggest mistake of her life but she had to do what she believed. She told me she was sorry, but feels like a huge weight has been lifted from her shoulders. I was crushed, after 5 and some years to hear someone say a weight has been lifted after they breakup with you was painful to say the least.

I spent the next week in pretty bad shape but I forced myself to get out... talked about things with my family and friends. It was encouraging to have all this support but I still had this huge hole in my heart. I drank quite a bit, not by myself but I went out pretty much everyday with friends. It was depressing, this was how things would end up? Drinking at bars, being that drunk "single" guy? I don't want that, I want to be in a relationship, I want someone to share my life with.

Last night I did something terrible. I had some friends in town for a long weekend. We drank a lot, I drank more than typical. After being out for about 10 hours, I found myself at a summer concert and ran into a friend from high school. We were both pretty intoxicated and my buddy's were talking to her about my dilemma the last couple weeks. One thing lead to another... and well you get the idea of what happened. I sit here now feeling worse than ever. How could I possibly do this to my ex? I've had 3 partners in my life (including this latest). I'm not a person who goes out and just picks up some random person to go home with. I don't have any excuses, but what hurts that most is knowing that I made the biggest mistake of my life, something that will most surely ruin any changes of reconciliation. How could she ever look at me again? I have trouble looking in the mirror myself. Am I a terrible person? I'm pretty sure I am. Could she ever get past this if we ever tried to work things out (something I've been praying for the last week or so)? Boy do I feel like an absolute piece of .

You are a young lad get out there and enjoy it. At your age there are loads of girls out there for you to discover and experience. I know at the moment you feel like there is no one else out there for you but you have plenty of time on your hands. Don't feel guilty because you had fun with someone else. Why should you? She dumped you.

I'm 38 and my girlfriend of 3 years changed due to her mom getting ill and passing away. She went from a homely girl who liked nights in to a girl who goes to the gym a lot, had a make over and goes out a lot and has a very active social life. She wants her independence back. She started to shut me out and there was very little I could do. People change all the time and it can mean a relationship breaks down. I am gutted she left me because I thought she was the one I would settle down with. But on reflection the girl coming out of the relationship in the last 4 months is not the same one who I went out with for the rest of the time. We just grew apart and this is probably what is happening to you. It was only 5 months ago she was wanting us to get a house together. I loved my ex but I respect her and had to let her go so she can be happy. I've not contacted her since the split a month ago. No reason to, she won't come back and if she did she has to do it without any pressure. In the mean time, I am being selfish and looking after myself, started going to the gym, eating better food,catch up with old friends I haven't seen for a while. Basically keep myself busy and doing things I couldn't when I was in a relationship

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I don't have any excuses, but what hurts that most is knowing that I made the biggest mistake of my life, something that will most surely ruin any changes of reconciliation.

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Still holding on to false hope, despite the facts? That's your problem, your not accepting reality, nor adjusting to the changing circumstances.

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Could she ever get past this if we ever tried to work things out (something I've been praying for the last week or so)?

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More false hope, and just so you know your consumption of so must depressants (alcohol) will make things a lot worse, as you have seen for yourself.

You really need to let go, and dealing with your loss in a much better way.

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I want to be in a relationship, I want someone to share my life with.

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Then get your act together, and heal, so you will be ready for someone who wants what you want appears in your life.

She doesn't appear to be that one. Accept it.

justaguy123, I can really empathize with you man. I hope that you continue to provide updates. Your situation is somewhat similar to mine, and this thread has been really helpful and comforting to know that someone is going through the same sort of deal.

Well it's been about 2 months now since the breakup, I haven't posted anything in a while and thought I'd provide an update. At times I thought I was really making progress, beginning to heal a bit. But honestly I must have just been kidding myself.

I recently moved, which was difficult in itself as I had to back out of a lease we signed together a few months ago. I thought that it would be a good change for me, for one it was almost unbearable to sit in a house that was once our place. I look back on it, it may have not been the best decision but I cannot fault myself for doing it... right or wrong. It was the first decision I have made for myself in a long time and there is a comforting feeling in that.

We've had little contact with each other, especially in the last couple weeks since I moved. Over the past months, I've seen her a couple times. The most significant, I helped move most of her stuff from our old house over to her new apartment. I convinced myself I was doing it because, well I'm a nice person and she didn't have anyone else to help. The reality was I used it as an excuse to see her. I don't really know what I thought was going to amount from seeing her (maybe she was going to tell me she misses me and made a huge mistake... haha), but all that came out of it was more pain. Seeing her only reminded me of how much I miss her. So I made a commitment to myself that I cannot make excuses to see her. A commitment that is one of the hardest I have ever attempted. I told myself that if she wanted to talk to you... she has to be the one to initiate it.

At first it was really hard. I'd have a few drinks on the weekend and suddenly I'd find myself sending her stupid texts at random times. Nothing sappy, nothing mean, just a joke or two... something we used to do when we first met. I'd feel like an idiot the next morning, I'd feel guilty towards myself that I didn't keep my word. So I decided to delete her number from my phone. While I knew I could get her number if I really needed to, I knew that if I had a few drinks I'd be less likely to send her that message. It worked for the most part... most part meaning I've haven't sent her a text since I deleted the number a few weeks ago... well...

It was her birthday yesterday. Having not spoken to her in weeks, I thought I would send her a text wishing her a happy birthday. Of course I didn't get a response, in all honesty it didn't really bother me that much, figured maybe she was busy. The day progressed, I forced myself to get out of the house and try to stay busy. I met up with a mutual friend of my ex and we were talking about how he ran into her the night before. She was a bit upset, I guess her family was in town and didn't make mention of her birthday. I thought maybe I'd give her a call. Probably not the best idea I've had, but I still care, I still worry, I still haven't progressed as far as I need. I got the machine, honestly I was kind of hoping for it. I left a short 30 second message, happy birthday... hope you are well... take care. There has been no acknowledgement from her since. No "Thanks! Had great birthday", no anything. In fact in the last 3 weeks she hasn't even dropped me a single message asking how I was doing, asking about my new place. Hell I wish I had her strength she had for the no contact, though I think I'm doing all right. A couple jokes texted here and there and one phone call on the birthday. That's it. I know that it isn't complete no contact but it is really difficult for me to just walk away from my best friend with the thought that I will never talk to her again.

I guess I'm not sure where all this is going. I really wish the questions in my head would stop and that I could go one day without thinking about what she is doing. I wish that I had at least one answer. How can someone end a 5-6 year relationship over the phone, with seemingly no more reason then... I have to do this? How can someone just walk away from something that was such a big part of their life with little, if any, emotion? How can someone just completely stop caring for someone that cared so much? What happened?

I'm not sure if I'll ever get those answers from her, I'm not sure it matters.

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Originally Posted by justaguy123

How can someone just walk away from something that was such a big part of their life with little, if any, emotion?

How can someone just completely stop caring for someone that cared so much? What happened?

I'm not sure if I'll ever get those answers from her, I'm not sure it matters.

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1. very easily. Could have moved on before she left you

2. you'll never get any answers, not if you keep contacting her cause then she knows she can get you back anytime.

I has something similar happen to me (2 months ago) I talked to her for 2 weeks till she got all her stuff out, and one time about 3 weeks ago to get the stuff she walked out with that was mine. Mine moved on real quick (6 hours) and is now engaged 2 months after leaving me. If I contact her I would be back at square one, even if she doesn't responded, so I don't. I have recently had to stop my friends giving me updates, they didn't get the clue when I never asked and never really brought her up.

Its hard when you have access to the number, but you need to show more restraint, it hurts at first (oh wow does it hurt) but it needs to happen.

Thought: you need to stop drinking, it's a depressant and will help you in NO way. Find something more constructive, lifting, hiking, learn something new (I'm going to get into scuba driving in 2 weeks). Try an activity that will get you out there to meet new people, girl or guy doesn't matter.

I broke up about the same time as you and responded earlier..

So I'll give you an update on how I am.

Apart from 1 text from her and my response I have not heard a thing from the ex in 2 months. After 1 month I decided to remove her from my Facebook and blocked her. I didn't tell her, I just did it. I had to stop myself from checking her Facebook status

We use to be on MSN all the time but I've blocked her and she hasn't been on so maybe she has blocked me too.

For the first 2 weeks I couldn't concentrate at work and work break down.2 weeks after the break up I decided I couldn't spend anymore time thinking about the ex sat at home. So I decided to join the gym. I go 3 to 4 times a week after work. Go on the treadmill,cross trainer and weights. I was wakign up at 5:30 every morning and getitng less than 5 hours sleep. Only recently have I been sleeping better and longer. I have also decided to start reading books and make an effort to read for 20 minutes before going to bed so I don't think of the ex much last thing. I also getting into bikign and hiking and going with friends more.

I also spent the last 2 months getting intouch with old friends and going to visit them all over the place. I try to keep my weekends busy.

I am still in NC because I just don't want to risk openigng old wounds and going back to day 1. I still do miss her a lot and wish she had talked to me sooner before things fell apart. But I have got my emotions under control and learnt how to keep her at the back of my mind. Although I do have sad moments occasionally each week.

Not quite ready to date again but who knows, I meay start tallking to someone when I least expect it.

Basically, if you want to move on you need to focus on yourself, get out and about, push yourself, take up activities and stimulate your brain with other stuff, so then you have less time to think about your ex. Don't give her your time she doesn't deserve. Have some short term and medium term goals or plans. Such as fitness targets, holidays.. etc

You have to realise you have to let go of all those unanswered questions. They will ljust never get answered. Over time you won't care about them.

So she just called me, I didn't answer, left a message... thanking me for calling her. I don't call her back, do I? I want to talk to her but I'm not sure...

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Originally Posted by justaguy123

So she just called me, I didn't answer, left a message.... thanking me for calling her. I don't call her back, do I? I want to talk to her but I'm not sure....

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Nope, delete the message. It's too soon. Not having any communication back will send a message that you are taking your time. To learn about yourself and see what life is like without her, trust me, you and I both need that time. ( it's been enjoyable for me, except when my friends give me news updates )

Have you deleted her fb and myspace from your account. Also delete her number and show some restraint, or delete the number then go read a math book front to back and do all the problems

Keep your head high. Give her some time to find whatever is that she is looking for - always let her know that you are there to be her friend and hopefully more and would like to take steps to fixing her unhappiness because your relationship is something you would like to last a lifetime. Again she did start a relationship with u very young and it may be good for her to venture out a bit to be see that you in fact are the one for her. Otherwise she will always be unhappy and wonder what else she is missing out on. I know its hard and can be very difficult times for you. Send her flowers once in a while as a reminder that you still care. But give it a few months and remain her friend. And during this time try to have a good time, start a new hobbie, call all your buddies, go out and try to move on because remember that she may move on also. So sorry.

I don't think he should remain friends until he is over her. Does he really want to be her friends when she meets someone else? You really need to cut all contact or keep contact to a minimum when it can't be avoided. You are young so plenty more women out there for you.

Don't call back, she left a message saying thank you. There is not much else to be said. She didn't say call me back or anything like that so its best to just leave it alone. When in doubt, just leave it alone and don't do anything. When I can't figure out what to do or what to say back I just don't do anything and go on with my life. Trust me it does wonders and keeps you from stressing out about it.