Trust me, hearing that she is with another man is NOT going to help you moving on. It will only increase the pain you are feeling now. Trust us, we have ALL been down your road. I wanted that last bit of closure, I asked for it for about a week after our break up and she wouldn't give it to me. Kept me holding on a string, wondering if I changed if she would come back because she told me she would. So I did everything I could do get better, and I did get better. 2 months into my NC, she sent me a text telling me that she has a letter for me to give me my closure and when she should come to my house to drop it off. I've never responded. As far as I'm concerned when she told me "I don't want to be with you anymore" that was closure for me. There are a laundry list of things that can be closure or spell doom for your relationship. Some examples of what I have seen and heard.

1. I need space to think about things
2. I don't think it's working out between us
3. I think we should post pone our wedding
4. I have found someone else
5. I think we should see other people

Mate,

Since I started this thread I went through all different stages of emotions... it is an up and down for me... just the way everybody is telling on this side...

Guys, sorry that I gave you such a hard time and seemed so unreasonable. I'm actually not... :-)

After my last post, I went back into thoughts, evaluated my feelings, checked on my mind and tried to switch of my heart. I had a good chat with my best mate, listened to a very important song for me at this stage (unfortunately it is in German, otherwise I would link it here ;-), re-read all the posts here (again THANK YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY) and came to a conclusion...

Throughout the thread, I was tipping with my heart and switched off my brain... my heart was fighting my brain because it is such an important part of my life. Usually I follow my heart, but it gave me wrong advice before, naming how to behave in the partnership. So I turned to my cognitive ability and sucked up all the stuff you guys wrote me, the stuff I know anyway and added 1 and 1. Funnily, it added up to 2 ;-).

I concluded that I am starting to let go and my heart tells me no. But right now, I need to listen to my head and not my heart, because it is corrupting me with wrong hope.

So I decided not to have the conversation and put that aside. There are more important things in my life then this woman. I need to get my life on track, I need to look after myself and seeking the conversation would just throw me back. I'm not stable enough yet.
I wish I would, but only time and patience can do that job for me...

I need to heal and look after my soul before I can do that step. I got time until July because by then, our lease is running out and we need to clear out the formerly shared appartement together. This will be hard enough already and I don't need to put myself under an extra strain right now...

So hey, you guys helped me in coming to this conclusion. I am not a hopeless case, but my heart was taking me all in before...

I will keep you updated and tell you about my steps forward, as soon as they kick it even further :-)...

Yours in gratitude
Tando

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tando

I will keep you updated and tell you about my steps forward, as soon as they kick it even further :-)...

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I'm glad your brain finally started working.

Years ago I had a male friend Jerry who kept chasing after a woman who wanted nothing more to do with him and already had a new boyfriend. Jerry would call her at work and enthused to me, "She must still love me. She answers the phone when I call." (Of course, as soon as she heard his voice, she hung up... )

I understand I'm a fighter too and when I just gave up on my 3.5 years because he wanted someone else I went to this site and started nc but I never fought and it was SOO weird but honestly when you fight and open it it just prolongs the healing because your opening wound to let it bleed and the othr person really won't care enough to really look at the wound you know? Id say stick to it until this current new relationship is over and really have the conversaion of what you learned with yourself. This is YOUR time to grow and trust me its and amazing time. She is going to look back and be jealous (my ex is :)) wait to tell your side until the person can show they care enough to listen.

@ wondergirl:
1. well, a brain does help, doesn't it ;-)
2. I hope I can move on quicker than Jerry. It'll be hard though and currently my heart is overwhelming me again with funny thoughts and wrong hope, but my mind is at least present this time :-)

@ blond:

Thank you for your post.
I am a freaking fighter and it's so damned hard not to fight.
I am growing already. I am such a reflecting person. Everybody I speak to, they just sit there and tell me: OMG, after such a short time after the break-up you look at all the things so clearly. You analysed the partnership so well (from my point of view, I have to admit, can only assume her side) and concluded for yourself.
At this point already, I grew, reached a new level and a complete new insight in the whole story. I look at it as a complex process that went horribly wrong and one thing lead to another - from both sides. And NC allowed me to reach this level, because before I never had the opportunity to think all the things over, to analyse because I felt the pressure of the partnership... so that's the first reward for keeping NC :-).

In that matter, it is an amazing time for me. Otherwise I'm struggling with my emotions (heart person), can't sleep properly (wake up always around 4am in the morning and can't go back to sleep because she's on my mind) and can hardly concentrate on my work load although I'd love to.

I also know that my biggest obstacle is this f... ing hope. Especially because I know she does care. Why? During the break-up, she told me that she feels she doesn't know me and I have to admit, I wasn't very open about many things. She told me she got to know the other person far better within 5 1/2 months than me in 3 1/2 years. So I asked her following question: Are you interested in getting to know me still? Are you interested in listening to me? And she said: Yes. (Heart is speaking :-).

And I don't know how to get rid of it. Sometimes I feel I need that extra blow that all of you guys predict and I also know will hit me. I need a way to let go of that hope. Probably the only thing I don't know yet is how to. My mind is screwed on, I know I need to keep away, do my stuff and move on. Not forget about her, but leave her where she belongs - in the past.

It's amazing how much "power" a person can still have in your life although she is gone... and I also know it's only up to me to allow that "power" to rule over my life. In this matter, I am just weak.

But today is a new day and I want to spend it much more productive on the accademical level than yesterday. Yesterday was important for my emotional state, but today I need to pursue my studies again...

This is my update for today...

Quote:

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Not forget about her, but leave her where she belongs - in the past.

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There is hope for you yet. Listen to your brain, it will set you free. Study hard.

Mate,

2nd update and then I'm leaving for the library :-)

Thank you... I'm not a hopeless nutcase, I know that, but I still feel like it somehow.

My brain switches off far too often and my heart takes over. I am bowing from one side to the other. I run in circles and can't find the exit.
At the same time I do have stages where I feel at peace with me...

It is promoted to start NC when you know you can keep it. I wonder if I am in that stage already... I started NC for her in the hope she might row back. Hasn't happened and won't either. I realised that NC is doing me well, too to a certain degree. I got back in touch with my soul and my self-confidence. It just doesn't seem to be able to get over my hope. There are times when I let go of hope and it's okay for me. Am I to impatient?!

Now, being majorly reflected, I realise that it is harder for me to keep NC then before. I wonder if I'm at the stage to maintain NC without standing my last fight.. without being heard and she offered me to be heard during the break-up... but by then I wasn't ready...

I am dead sure that I will be able to keep NC after I had this conversation... because then there is nothing else left to discuss for me until I am completely healed. I'd feel like I did my part and I can finish up... it feels like unfinished business... Then the ball is in her court and I can leave with the words: I am hurting, I want and need to heal, I can't stay in contact with you and this is all I have to say to you. What you do with all this is up to you...

Is that a usual feeling being on NC and having reflected on the partnership and myself?! I can't understand this emotion...

Sorry for being back to the beginning, guys... I just want to let you in and maybe get a better picture of my situation...

Please bear with me in this situation... I know I'm being a difficult case.

I feel so confused with thoughts and emotions...

P.S.: I'm not saying I'm going to contact her...

Ah, you need food for the brain. Okay, everyone who comes here feels as you do, hoping for one last chance to get their heart breaker back, or chasing after some closure. Closure is accepting the reality of the situation, and moving forward, because that's what needs to happen for you. You have that, you just want her to have it to, but she doesn't need it.

Just read the post here of others in the same situation. No Contact is very hard at first, and no one wants to do it. But You do want to get rid of the misery, and pain, and false hope, and be able to explore other options, and opportunities, to be happy.

Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, for some great insights and suggestions, from people who have gone through this same thing. There is a link in my signature. Let us know if it helps.

Make a decision, do what you think is best, and get the blessings , or the consequences. What ever you do, don't dwell on what you think you need, if your not willing to do it.

Me I leave things alone, and get my own happiness back, by looking forward. Staying with NC will get you there. You have started, keep it going and heal, it's that simple.

Hey tal,

Thank you for your beautiful post. I really gave me strength and hope... hope for myself for a change :-).

I do not have closure yet, but I am on a good way. I realise that most of the things I want to do are for HER still. But that's because I care about her so much due to my huge amount of love that I still feel. But it is time to do things for ME and today I had a really good chat with a friend. She told me to really do what is best for me. So at the moment I am thinking about postponing my final assignment for uni because it is just too stressful with the break-up, move it into the next semester and then really look after myself. Do good things for me and maybe even fulfill myself a dream that came back to my mind today. I am lucky to have this chance...

I realise that fate brought us together and gave us a chance. But fate does not determine the outcome. That is up to us. And we blew that opportunity but will grow from this experience. We both experienced true love but couldn't make us work. So now we walk separate ways and will seek our personal luck and something similar or even better than the love we had for each other. I will be grateful for the years sooner or later and definitely for the break-up because it will make me a stronger person. Having this knowledge and repeating it to myself over and over again, I will get through the f... ing hard times that will still be with me...

I am ready to move on and let go, but I know that there will still be obstacles in my way. It will stay on a road with up and downs, but I will keep you updated.

I also think I started to find my closure by "half-breaking NC". I sent her a short unpersonal message on Facebook with the link to that special song and the lyrics. It means so much to me and it is a wonderful break-up song that looks into the future with joy and into the past with gratitude... I will translate the words in English and post it here over the weekend... It is really beautiful... a shame it is in German ;-).

Here my short message and please feedback me on this if you like... with this I am ready to keep NC and move on.. I think I needed to say goodbye for me and even though I will meet her in July, I needed to do it sooner... for me:

Title: Very beautiful song for me (and you?! )

Chao Em,

If you like, listen to the following song...

YouTube - Die Fantastischen Vier - What remains

Die Fantastischen Vier - Was Bleibt - Lyrics from LyricWiki

Take care,

Tando

This way, I had the "chat" to her and now there is nothing more to say for me. I don't expect an answer and if she replies, I hope to be strong enough to just delete the message...

Will keep you updated...

AND THANK YOU ALL AGAIN FOR YOUR INPUT... One day I will be on your end and hopefully be able to assist guys like me right now... maybe I already am in some way if somebody reads this :-D...

Hey guys,

Just as promised the translation of the song, I listen to regularly currently. It is not the best translation, but I tried my best. It is a hiphop song and usually many words do rhyme, but my English isn't poetic enough to do that properly ;-)...

I don't know what happened within the last two/three days, but I feel more at peace currently, I feel less overwhelmed and I'm losing hope. I think I start realising and it's settling in. My heart gives in to my brain and my knowledge (at the moment). I don't seem to have any urge left to fight for us. Somehow I realised that we are not meant to be, we shared something beautiful and unique and I hope both of us will keep it close to our hearts. Hopefully no one of us will look back at the time as being wasted, but I actually don't believe so. We are both very grateful people and trying to concentrate on the positive and on the things that we gained...

Funny, my thoughts are also changing. Only very seldom I wonder what she is doing, with whom she is doing what and how she is... I hope she is fine. I don't want her bad and still I concentrate on myself.


Artist: Die Fantastischen Vier
Track: This remains


Now here we are, we spent something together and we are confused,
There is nothing else to talk, because it only hurts anyway.
So then, I'll be leaving and we shall meet again,
Once we understand all this, once all this has settled.
Someday it'll happen, I'm sure we'll manage.
And until then, I hope,
That everything that we are experiencing in our next life from here,
Doesn't feel as hopeless as currently.
I know, actually we've been together since forever,
No idea how it's going to be like, not being with you anymore,
I can't even remember how it was like before our time,
But I know it is forever and will remain.
It's said that every ending is also a new beginning,
And there is nothing to keep for eternity.
Everything consists of emergence, change and movement,
Even though we don't want to realise it yet.

Good-by, good-by, good-by and wish us luck,
There is so much remaining.
We shall meet again, we shall, and I'm thinking back
And my heart feels so at ease.

From now on we are alone and a little bit more free.
Life continues although a path intersects.
There is nothing that needs forgiveness, we only failed
As soon as we pity ourselves and I realise,
I need to decide to either give away into self-indulgence
Or to allow myself to drift away, move on
In order not to stand still, then we'll see
Which one of the tracks.
And of course, the truth hurts, nobody says that it is easy,
But at some stage enough is enough and by then, one has to leave.
And even if it was beautiful, life is bigger
Than our ability to understand, come along and let it be,
And take this one as comfort. Things that end
Result in legends and will make us grow.
We've been attached for ages,
But let go – now.

Good-by and wish us luck.
There is so much remaining.
We shall meet again and I'm thinking back
And my heart feels so at ease.
And what is remaining is that we seem to walk alone from here,
And what is remaining is that one path is splitting up into two.


I hope you like these words...

Until soon... will open a new thread in a minute... ;-)

Tando

Threads merged

Guys,

I do have the strangest feeling right now and you will say...
ARE YOU STUPID...

But I start regretting telling everybody that she "cheated" on me with this other guy and started to have feelings. He wasn't the reason for the break-up, he was a trigger, but what went wrong was within OUR relationship and has almost nothing to do with him.

I feel like I bad-mouthed her and I am disspointed in myself that I disclosed that matter to many people. This is something between her, me and the other guy... She told me in confidence, to be honest and open, to be just plain and simply fair and I feel like I acted totally wrong. This was an information just for me... just for me... just for me... I let other people in this "secret" and I feel I betrayed her trust...
I know that many of you will be saying that I shouldn't care, and she is not worth it because she "cheated" on me and betrayed me as well. Even if you do believe me or not, I know she has a really bad conscience about it...

It is not only about her feelings and what she might think of that, but also about my guilt that is playing up now. I feel guilty, because I am not a person who bad-mouthes others, especially if this person is a person who I love(d) so much and never wishes bad, no matter what happened.

I know that people make mistakes and I acted the way I knew best, but it feels so childish and immature. At the same time, I knew I had to get it off my chest. I looked at it as a reason for the break-up, but it is a miniature component of the process. I tried to make me feel better by saying, it's the other guys fault and it's her weakness. But in the end it comes down to the two of us. She tried hard to make us work, I answered in the wrong manner, although trying hard, too. Then she gave up, had no more strength and found comfort somewhere else. It might not be the most highly accepted way of dealing with this matter, but it is one way. I cannot judge her on that, I feel. I appreciate everything she has done and tried for us rather.

I don't want other people to think she's a . She made a mistake, all right, but throughout the partnership she was a loving, caring, supportive, dedicated and trying partner. She wanted to make us work, just as I did.

I wonder if anyone can actually understand my point? I am not wanting to get back together, because I know the table cloth is cut, but I know that I want to keep in touch with her some (long) time in the future because we are soulmates... and we don't need to be partners to be soulmates...

There are quite some issues we need to work through though before being able to become friends again... quite some things that need to be discussed and forgiven on both sides. It will be a hard process, I believe... and I know that you will say that this is the last thing I need to care about right now... I know... it just popped up in my head and works on me... the relationship is over, but I know we both still appreciate each other and both of us want to keep in touch in some way or another. Sooner or later. I let her go as a partner, and I don't know how and if I'll be able to handle this, but from my side, I would like to keep in touch with her, with a person who touches my soul and will never be evicted from that place in my heart and soul...

Now, I don't have an issue about coming back together anymore, but an issue about how I behaved and how I disrespected all the good times, all the things I appreciate about what we had and what we were and what a beautiful woman she is with her mistakes. She is a heart-warming personality, she is amazing and so am I, but our lifestyles are just too different. One day we might end up as really good and trusting friends, if both of us are ready, but at the moment, I need to put that aside and get back on track with my life.

I do have the feeling that I need to forgive myself before I can ask her to forgive me...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tando

I do have the feeling that I need to forgive myself before I can ask her to forgive me...

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You are exactly right. Accept and forgive yourself for what you've done. It's not going to come instantly, it'll take time. I'm sure people say a lot of things they don't mean and I'm sure she understands your comments and reasons, as she's a kind and understanding person. Stay NC, forgive yourself and take it from there. You will know what to do in time.

Hey aj,

Thank you for your support and kind post.

I hope I'll forgive myself soon and somehow I trust that we'll sort things out and leave that partnership behind, insert it in our past with gratitude and be able to forgive ourself and each other and move on from there and see what'll happen.

It is not the time for that now now.
It is strange... I seem to be moving on from the partnership, but can't let go of her as a person, trustee and soulmate.

I wonder if I need to do that as well or if I can balance the two things...

You sound like a thoughtful guy, and I'm impressed that you're taking ownership of something that you did, which is bothering you.

You can't change what you did, you can only tell yourself that you're human and you acted out of anger and thoughtlessness.

You can also tell yourself that if the situation arises again, you'll behave differently.

Tell yourself you've learnt from the situation and let it go.

Then, once you feel able, write her a letter and tell her what you wrote in this post.

Don't beat yourself up.

You're very welcome Tando, glad to see that you're trying to correct a mistake that you've made. Like Gemini said, we're all human and we make mistakes. Don't feel too bad about it, it was just from a hurtful emotion. Keep up the progress my friend.

Hey guys,

I've had two rough days behind me. Twice I was crying my heart and eyes out and almost went to our old flat to show her, what this is doing to me. But then I thought about all your posts and that she won't care anyway.

And I was thinking, what does it help me? Only thing I'd be doing is, best case, to make her feel guilty, to make her feel pity or to make her feel sorry, but I won't change her decision...
That is a fact and I know it cognitively but my emotions and heart are just too much into and with her. And that is my problem... I concentrated my life on her and forgot myself. Now it is hard to resurrect myself because I lost touch. I can't comforf myself, I can't feel myself, my heart and soul is owned by her.

And she can't help me healing. She can't be by my side to assist me with my process. She is not the one because she doesn't want to either. She is one of the reasons I am so low and I need to cut out these reasons to get better. It is awkward though. I am addicted to her and she makes me feel good, at the same time, she makes me feel... I'm on withdrawal...

And I understand her point of view... she needed to break-up in order to get her life back and her personality and her happiness. It is her fair right to do so and she doesn't need to look after anyone but herself. Even if it means she is hurting someone else badly... and I need to respect that and move on, too...

I put all my money on this game, on this partnership and I didn't read the rules properly. I played it wrong and lost badly. I am starting at zero almost and need to build up slowly. I need to do baby steps... one after another. I need to give me time and allow to heal slowly. I am a perfectionist and usually patient, but not with myself right now.

I am also starting to see a therapist, since this break-up also opens up old wounds and issues that I am dealing with for about 10 years by now and always returned. It is part of the issue, why she broke up, but not knowing really, I think... So far I was okay dealing with it, but this break-up just throws me back to toddler age somehow. I need to learn slowly. She was my backbone, the partnership was my everything, my security, my haven. I identified with this partnership. But that is me. I dedicate whole-heartedly for something, if it is really worth it. And I forget about the other things.

I am still living in the past too much... I need to move on, to let go. Somethimes I thought I am on a good way, but the very next day is such a setback... then good again... then again... is that the natural way?!

Quote:

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And I was thinking, what does it help me?

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Thats the way your supposed to think, thats how you get facts to make a good decision for yourself.

Quote:

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Only thing I'd be doing is, best case, to make her feel guilty, to make her feel pity or to make her feel sorry,

---

Facts

Quote:

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but I won't change her decision...

---

Facts

Quote:

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I am still living in the past too much... I need to move on, to let go.

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A good decision based on facts, and not just feelings.

Quote:

---

Sometimes I thought I am on a good way, but the very next day is such a setback... then good again... then again... is that the natural way?!

---

I have been married more than 30 years, I have good days, bad days, and many setbacks. Thats what life is all about.

Hey tal,

Your posts are always awesome. I read a few of them already, not only my thread and they inspire me... One day, when I'm a grown man, I want to be as wise as you are ;-)...

Thank you for your words and support and not giving up on me although being so difficult in the beginnin :-).

I am in the process and I see it... I am gaining strength and clarity... slowly... one step after the other :-)...

Me too!

OMG,

I just read the sticky "What did I learn after a devastating break-up"... and it flashed me big time...

It threw a new light on me and how the partnership worked (not worked ;-). It opens up doors for understanding and insight. I realised that both of us made our mistakes, both of us fought in our separate ways, both of us tried really hard to make this work - although we might not have had a real chance from the beginning... but by just trying so hard, we offered the most beautiful thing to each other... dedication...

I made my mistakes, she made hers. It is part of our personality. Still, one day I would like to apologise to her for all the mistakes I made.

I'm looking at the break-up as a new start to something new for both of us. Many hard feelings are gone currently (but they will return and I will conquer them) and I want to focus on the good things we had and shared. All the love, dedication and good times. All the laughs. This is what I would like to focus on from this point in time... and I want to focus on this from this very moment... not in a hopeful manner, but in a manner to be thankful and respecting and honouring the other person for all the good things that happened during our time. I want to embrace past and insert it in my history as happy time, forget about the hard times but still learn from them. I don't want to hold a grudge and just be thankful... and I know that I will be able to do so... I do have the ability... I set this as one of my new goals, aims and targets in life... and I know it is a hard thing to achieve, but so far I always achieved everything in one way or another... I am an achiever, if I can get my head and heart on the right track...

More and more I realise that we can't work. She realised it. I am on the way.

GUYS, I'M MOVING ON :-)...

She was strong enough to sit down and end the whole story. I know it broke her heart as well, so we are both heart-broken and one day (maybe already in July), I will be able to tell her all the things, I am thankful for. I want to wish her all the best, I want to be able to look at her and tell her that I am proud of her, I am grateful for sharing this time and I really honestly wish that she will be fine and find "true love" that maintains her life and makes her happy. She will always keep a special place in my heart and my soul. And I know that she will wish me the same. We do care for each other big time, no matter what other people say, but I need to learn to care for her in a "friendship manner". This will take a long time and the outcome is so open...

At the same time, I need to look after myself. I know deep inside that she'll be fine and there is nothing more I can do for her. There is plenty on my plate though, I need to get myself in order, I need to live my life and not waste any other day in feeling pity for myself, dangling in old times and being an obstacle for myself.

This is MY TIME... this is MY CHANCE... this is MY PERSONAL TURNING POINT TO DECIDE WHERE I'M GOING... and I want to walk towards myself and a great future...

I do feel more and more in touch with myself... right now, I even feel peace...

I want to become a better person and I damned will!!