Ask Me Help Desk - Starting to crack again but hanging on barely

Just thinking aloud, 'cause I've been there. When this first happened, I mean when you decided to go home and make it work, you and your husband were talking. What you were talking about was the affair, but it was honest, feeling talk.

The whole thing was a bit of drama. Now things are quieter and the drama is gone. You look at the phone, knowing that calling him will put you right back, into the drama. Can you and your husband talk about your need for, "something going on?"

An activity that involves both of you besides the day-to-day stuff? Even if it's something like starting a once a week poker night, or having friends over for dinner, you and your hubby would be a team again.

No I haven't made the call yet red... if I were reading someone else's thread or even my own, I would say the same things your all saying. Trust me because I have and I meant them. Maybe now that I have fallen I need to just hear them in return.

My husband and I haven't had a date night which has always been an issue. He mentions just going here and there and then its up to me to find a sitter, which we don't have, and to find the money. Now that I am back home the bills were a stress of mine since he liked to spend. So he decided to do the majority of the bill paying to take the stress off me. Which I have to say is wonderful. But funny now that he see's reality in the checkbook he isn't calling a sitter and booking dinner either.

I just can't figure why I feel all this love for someone I left behind and don't want to be with. My husband is a good man. Sure he gets on my nerves and I do his and neither of us are perfect. But he is better then what I was running to. Now I want to run again and its killing me. Not because I am a serial cheater. I am not at all. I just feel like I miss the other one and I need to hear how he is doing or maybe if he moved on. I don't know.

Please don't think I am a cheater looking for some kind of forgiveness or whatever. I am so not. I am looking to keep venting until I get over this urge. Who said it was an addiction? Was it you liz... the other was an addiction for me and if I get past that urge I will be OK again and focused once again. Has anyone been where I am?? Well I know the right thing to do anyway and I am doing it. I am not calling.

What is it about this other man that draws you?
You said you knew he was bad for you,I'm just wondering what you got from him that was different from your husband,and were those qualities in your husband when you first met?
Your having a crappy day sunflower,but it will pass..

I think your looking for an easier way out of your stress in the marriage. I'll bet on those bad days you think of better times that you associate with the other guy.

That's not the way to confront or deal with your issues. It's a form of running away.

Do you need help with the finances, yes, you do, as that's a big issue with all couples.

Resolving them requires a plan that works that allows for a lifestyle within means, and has room for having some fun. That's calls for working together and setting limits, and goals.

I just want to add, you're a very normal, bright woman. This feeling of wanting what you can't have is normal. Particularly when it feels so good. A tough thing to over come is the mental process, the mind. Maybe you can retrain the mind to think of the damage that this relationship has caused and the set back it has caused when you think about making the call. It starts over each time you give in. Except that your husband doesn't have to forgive you ever again. You have a chance this time and you owe it to your family and yourself to give it your all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by redhed35

what is it about this other man that draws you?
you said you knew he was bad for you,im just wondering what you got from him that was different from your husband,and were those qualities in your husband when you first met?
your having a crappy day sunflower,but it will pass..

What drew me to him? I don't know. He is so nothing like my husband. Total opposite. My husband is old fashioned in a sense. He is from a close knit family that all love each other. He would do anything for a friend, but I have always been put last, which I never understood. He is a hard worker when he is working. I might have to ask twice but he does help when I need help. He used to make me laugh, he used to be so much fun. We used to go out dancing all hours of the night for years. He isn't a manly man but tries like hell. What I mean is he can't fix a car or the plumbing but will try like hell 'till he gets it. We have traditions we have made and followed for years. We do enjoy the same things for the most part. He is well mannered and liked.

The other one is so smart. He truly seems to know everything about everything. Except the simple things in life but that's what I teach him. He is a business man and a go getter. He has cheated on his wife before me but seemed to make me feel I was the one. He is a smooth talker. He seems to be out for himself and what benefits him or makes him look good. He gets jealous of me when I talk about other people and fun I have had. When I went out one night after I moved from home he was pretty jealous and acted like a child over it until I invited him along. Then we left when he wanted to leave not when I wanted to call it a night,and it was my night out. He constantly needs reassurance that I cared for him. He looks down on most people and criticizes them. But gets so offended when I point out some of his flaws.

I could go on forever. God just writing the few things I did helped me. Sure does paint a big picture when you write it out. Maybe I should keep going.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think your looking for an easier way out of your stress in the marriage. I'll bet on those bad days you think of better times that you associate with the other guy.

Thats not the way to confront or deal with your issues. Its a form of running away.

Do you need help with the finances, yes, you do, as thats a big issue with all couples.

Resolving them requires a plan that works that allows for a lifestyle within means, and has room for having some fun. Thats calls for working together and setting limits, and goals.

Well mostly I guess I would love the attention. He gives it but not when I need it the most. I am the type of woman where I think who cares if we are broke if we are happy. But I don't get it. Or if someone else is around or there is some type of gathering I am alone. He wonders off has a great time then comes back to me when everyone else is partied out. I get sick of it and that's what the other never did. I was the center of the attention all the time. I know it wouldn't always be like that. But maybe now that I am craving it that's why I want to cave. But as far as finances, sure we are broke. It stressed me out. But I have let him take charge for some time so he can have a hands on and see where it goes and why we have what we have. Then when he sees firsthand, like I have for years, we can see what changes to make. Right now that's working for me because I am not dealing with it and it's a huge relief.

Grief is very often a circular affair especially through the middle phases. You are doing all the right stuff by talking and recognizing your feelings. Maybe you can try journaling it all out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by susangpyp

Grief is very often a circular affair especially through the middle phases. You are doing all the right stuff by talking and recognizing your feelings. Maybe you can try journaling it all out.

I think I am journaling here. Writing a response a little bit ago made me see part of the picture.

Hey sunny, I could'nt find the letter thread so I thought id catch you here..
Miss the craic from the castle too,don't think many got our sense of mischief!

Quote:

Originally Posted by redhed35

hey sunny, i could'nt find the letter thread so i thought id catch you here..
miss the craic from the castle too,dont think many got our sense of mischief!

I know but it was fun. Maybe we can take it over. But I think we had already done that.

It was a cast of you me unky stringer and catsmine..

Quote:

Originally Posted by redhed35

it was a cast of you me unky stringer and catsmine..

Yep and we did well.