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Originally Posted by mylife99

Ok so last night I had a talk with her, and told her how I didnt like being treated like that. before I had the chance to talk more about it she ended it! She said she wants to be friends. I left her place and it seemed to be ok. I later sent her an email telling her exactly how she treated me, and how I didnt deserve to be treated like that. After she read the email she texted me " After reading that email I dont think we can be friends" It wasnt a bad email it was just the truth. Its almost like she doesnt even think she was out of place. And still thinks she has the control. What should I do? I never responded back.

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You shouldn't have emailed it- you should have told her that when you were talking- oh well at least you said your piece.

The fact that you "let it out" and she didn't like it and told you that you "can't be friends" really shows that she was trying to control the friendship part too. I wouldn't want a friend like that.

You should move on. There is nothing for you to do after this. Don't respond- there is no use in adding more wood to the fire.

Good luck.

Sarah

Take it from one who has been there, if you really love her its time to step up be an adult and call her out on her behavior. I told my wife that I did not need a second mother I already had one! I was head over heels in love and let her walk all over me in the beginning. Once the newness wore off I realized she was very controlling but only because I let her. It took months of asserting myself but now it is much better. So in my opinion stick up for yourself but be prepared for a long battle! If that sounds like too much to take run for the hills! :eek:

I wouldn't do anything just let her be. Like I said more then likely she doesn't even realize that she is doing it. Just go on with your life it's her loss anyway.
Basically assume no contact.
Best wishes!
Danielle

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Originally Posted by mudweiser

You shouldn't have emailed it- you should have told her that when you were talking- oh well at least you said your piece.

The fact that you "let it out" and she didn't like it and told you that you "can't be friends" really shows that she was trying to control the friendship part too. I wouldn't want a friend like that.

You should move on. There is nothing for you to do after this. Don't respond- there is no use in adding more wood to the fire.

Good luck.

Sarah

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Hey, thanks for the feedback. I think she was trying to control the friendship part. I am better off with out her. Even though she was a bad girl.. The breakup still hurts.

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Originally Posted by scott_1976

Take it from one who has been there, if you really love her its time to step up be an adult and call her out on her behavior. I told my wife that I did not need a second mother I already had one! I was head over heels in love and let her walk all over me in the beginning. Once the newness wore off I realized she was very controlling but only because I let her. It took months of asserting myself but now it is much better. So in my opinion stick up for yourself but be prepared for a long battle! If that sounds like to much to take run for the hills! :eek:

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Hey, thanks for the advice. I tried to push back and go against her, but she always gets mad at me. I am guessing this is just her personality and she won't change. She got mad at me when I pointed out all the things she did to me. . Not to sure what to think..

She is not who you thought she was. So move on and don't look back. If she doesn't want to be friends then it is her loss. The right girl for you is out there somewhere.

Yes she is being controlling and not to mention a bit abusive to you emotionally and verbally. Why are you so afraid of her breaking up with you? She should be the one to be afraid that your going to kick her to the curb. You don't need that crap. No one does, this woman has no respect for you. She's a miserable person. Tell her what's what, and if she breaks up with you, so be it. At least you were able to stand up for yourself. Don't let her get the best of you like that. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

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Originally Posted by bizygurl

Yes she is being controlling and not to mention a bit abusive to you emotionally and verbally. Why are you so afraid of her breaking up with you? She should be the one to be afraid that your going to kick her to the curb. You dont need that crap. No one does, this woman has no respect for you. She's a miserable person. Tell her whats what, and if she breaks up with you, so be it. At least you were able to stand up for yourself. Dont let her get the best of you like that. You dont need that kind of negativity in your life.

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Hey, thank you so much for the feedback.. You made me feel a lot better. I am glad to hear that other people think this behaviour is not normal. Its so hard when your in the middle to see if this behaviour is normal. I was worried about the breakup because I remember when we first started dating and how we got along so good. I guessing it was the honey moon phase ? I thought that girl might come back. But I think she just got comfortable with me and I seen her true colors. What do you think? I know I am better off in the long run, because I am guessing it would not have gotten better! Probably worse... Thank you for your comment. I am glad to see that even other women see this as a bad situation. I have never dated a girl before that tried to control me. I am just kind of messed up about it because of all her criticism... Thanks again... :)

Be careful, it is more then obvious she is controlling. Besides every time you have told her you do not like being treated that way, instead of her listening to you and caring how you feel, she gets mad... what is there for her to get mad?. because you tell her you don't like her treating you like that? So you don't even get a chance to say what you think and how you feel?
I said becareful, because if you are still with her after the way she treats you and if you are still wanting to know if she will change, and the way you express in all your posts wanting to know if there is something about her you are not understanding and you still seem to want to give it a chance... what I see, is that you are hooked... hooked on to having to prove yourself in some way... maybe you have an issue with critizism or with not being good enough... you might not be aware of it... but to me it seems like you get hooked on her because when she treats you badly, you react on having a need to prove you are better than how she considers you or thinks of you... so get off the hook!. dont let yourself fall into this trap... you don't have to prove to anyone who you are... and you don't need anyone to approve of you! You can do that on your own... YOU can aprove yourself. Get someone who really cares about you, and someone who really loves you and who can care about the way they treat you...

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care how she treats you and who doesn't care if you don't like it?

Wouldn't you prefer to be with someone who made you feel happy and good about yourself? Someone who is kind and loving and who would do anything to make you happy and do nice things for you? Wouldn't you prefer to be with someone who would enjoy more having a good time with you than spend her time being mean to you?

Her controlling personality is something to stay away from... but more important is to understand why it her bad treatment towards make you hang on more instead of leaving her.

It all a matter of thinking more about yourself... work on that instead of wasting your love on someone who does not appreciate it.

If you do not show love for yourself, it leaves space for someone who has issues to take advantage of that... she must have her own issues if she treats you badly...

Don't accept anything that is not quality or doesn't make you feel good... thats the best measure you can have... doesnt matter if what she does is normal or not... the fact and most important thing is it makes you feel bad, and you are a goodenough person and much more than that, to accept badtreatment from anyone.

If someone were treating her badly would you not defend her and care about her? Then why not do the same for yourself?

You can do it, you just need to decide to do it, and I mean get rid of her and whatever else is not good for you or makes you feel bad, and start wanting good things for yourself... and the way to love yourself is to care about yourself and not accept anything that isn't good.

You can start today right this very minute.

Good luck,

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Originally Posted by mylife99

Hey, thank you so much for the feedback.. You made me feel alot better. I am glad to hear that other people think this behaviour is not normal. Its so hard when your in the middle to see if this behaviour is normal. I was worried about the breakup becasue I remember when we first started dating and how we got along so good. I guessing it was the honey moon phase ? I thought that girl might come back. but I think she just got comfortable with me and I seen her true colors. What do you think? I know I am better off in the long run, becasue I am guessing it would not have gotten better! Prolly worse... Thank you for your comment. I am glad to see that even other women see this as a bad situation. I have never dated a girl before that tryed to control me. I am just kind of messed up about it becasue of all her criticism... Thanks again... :)

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Your very welcome. Im glad I could help you. I like you was with a contolling spouse for 10 years. We dated for 2 and during that time everything was cool. As soon as we got married and had a child, he turned a complete 180. Sometimes its only a matter of time before someone shows their true colors to you. With your girl it didn't take that long. Some people it takes longer, but mark my words.. their true selves always appear if given enough time. Male or female, spouse or not. So the time of peace which your calling the "honey moon phase" has defenitly passed.. and her behavior isn't what a good relationship is made of. There are plenty of woman who are kind and respectful, don't waste your time on this woman, she isn't worth a momment of your time. Good Luck!

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Originally Posted by WillaWinda

Be careful, it is more then obvious she is controlling. Besides every time you have told her you do not like being treated that way, instead of her listening to you and caring how you feel, she gets mad...what is there for her to get mad?....because you tell her you dont like her treating you like that? so you dont even get a chance to say what you think and how you feel?
I said becareful, because if you are still with her after the way she treats you and if you are still wanting to know if she will change, and the way you express in all your posts wanting to know if there is something about her you are not understanding and you still seem to want to give it a chance...what I see, is that you are hooked...hooked on to having to prove yourself in some way...maybe you have an issue with critizism or with not bein good enough....you might not be aware of it...but to me it seems like you get hooked on her because when she treats you badly, you react on having a need to prove you are better than how she considers you or thinks of you....so get off the hook! ...dont let yourself fall into this trap...you dont have to prove to anyone who you are...and you dont need anyone to approve of you! you can do that on your own...YOU can aprove yourself. Get someone who really cares about you, and someone who really loves you and who can care about the way they treat you...

why would you want to be with someone who doesnt care how she treats you and who doesnt care if you dont like it?

Wouldnt you prefer to be with someone who made you feel happy and good about yourself? someone who is kind and loving and who would do anything to make you happy and do nice things for you? Wouldnt you prefer to be with someone who would enjoy more having a good time with you than spend her time being mean to you?

Her controlling personality is something to stay away from...but more important is to understand why it her bad treatment towards make you hang on more instead of leaving her.

It all a matter of thinking more about yourself...work on that instead of wasting your love on someone who does not appreciate it.

If you do not show love for yourself, it leaves space for someone who has issues to take advantage of that...she must have her own issues if she treats you badly...

Dont accept anything that is not quality or doesnt make you feel good...thats the best measure you can have...doesnt matter if what she does is normal or not...the fact and most important thing is it makes you feel bad, and you are a goodenough person and much more than that, to accept badtreatment from anyone.

If someone were treating her badly would you not defend her and care about her? then why not do the same for yourself?

You can do it, you just need to decide to do it, and I mean get rid of her and whatever else is not good for you or makes you feel bad, and start wanting good things for yourself...and the way to love yourself is to care about yourself and not accept anything that isnt good.

You can start today right this very minute.

good luck,

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Wow!! I think you are right. Thank you for your feedback. I think I am just having trouble because I have never been criticized by any of my past girl friends about anything. Its almost like abuse because then I started to feel like I was not good enough. Hurts the self esteem. I do deserve better! :)

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Originally Posted by bizygurl

Your very welcome. Im glad I could help you. I like you was with a contolling spouse for 10 years. We dated for 2 and during that time everything was cool. As soon as we got married and had a child, he turned a complete 180. Sometimes its only a matter of time before someone shows their true colors to you. With your girl it didnt take that long. Some people it takes longer, but mark my words..their true selves always appear if given enough time. Male or female, spouse or not. So the time of peace which your calling the "honey moon phase" has defenitly passed..and her behavior isnt what a good relationship is made of. Their are plenty of woman who are kind and respectful, dont waste your time on this woman, she isnt worth a momment of your time. Good Luck!

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Thank you so much! Your advice and comments help me more then you will ever know. Its just hard because she mad me think I wasn't good enough, and it hurt myself esteem. I wanted to justify everything she did or said to me in hope that the girl I new at the start would return. Can you give me any information on what would heppen if you stood up to your ex, or went against him ? And is this a personality they will always have ? I am guessing this is a personality disorder ? Also my girl would act out if I talked to other girls, is this a form of control also ? I am just trying to realize that it was her with the problem not me so I can feel better about the break up and move on. Thanks so much for taking time in your life to help me with mine.

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Originally Posted by mylife99

Wow!!! I think you are right. Thank you for your feedback. I think I am just having trouble becasue I have never been criticized by any of my past girl friends about anything. Its almost like abuse because then I started to feel like I was not good enough. Hurts the self esteem. I do deserve better! :)

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You said it. It is abuse.

She took back her power and ended it when you criticized her - it hurts, but be thankful, and be aware of what you attract in your next relationship.

At least you saw it quickly and called her on it. Well done.

Actually on the contrary, a girl likes a guy that is not a pushover and know what he wants. If its not going to be with this girl I'm sure there are plenty of other girls out there that finds it very attractive.

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Originally Posted by mylife99

Thank you so much! Your advice and comments help me more then you will ever know. Its just hard because she mad me think I wasnt good enough, and it hurt my self esteem. I wanted to justify everything she did or said to me in hope that the girl I new at the start would return. Can you give me any information on what would heppen if you stood up to your ex, or went against him ? And is this a personality they will always have ? I am guessing this is a personality disorder ? Also my girl would act out if I talked to other girls, is this a form of control also ? I am just trying to realize that it was her with the problem not me so I can feel better about the break up and move on. Thanks so much for taking time in your life to help me with mine.

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In many cases this behavior is very hard to change, and in what you describe there are certainly elements of a personality disorder.

The more you try and justify yourself to them, the more you feed into their drama and their capacity to make you feel bad about yourself. People like this operate from the point of view that everything is everyone else's fault and rarely accept responsibility for their own actions. They need to feel that they are in control, because internally everything is chaotic.

Just remember, her behavior is not about you - it's about trying to protect the damaged inner child within her.

Accept the break up and move on with the knowledge that you've gained a valuable experience. You've had a lucky escape.

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

You said it. It is abuse.

She took back her power and ended it when you criticized her - it hurts, but be thankful, and be aware of what you attract in your next relationship.

At least you saw it quickly and called her on it. Well done.

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Hey, yeah it does hurt. I feel like she got the last jab in. I haven't contacted her since.
The part that hurts is how we were together in the beginning. But I think this was because she was on her best behaviour. I think once she got comfortable around me she started to be herself. I feel sad because I feel she was just acting the whole time..

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Originally Posted by none12345

Actually on the contrary, a girl likes a guy that is not a pushover and know what he wants. If its not going to be with this girl im sure there are plenty of other girls out there that finds it very attractive.

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Maybe, but whenever I went against her or stood up to her she got mad. And if this is how a girl is going to treat a guy to she if he is a push over, wouldn't you say she has problems? Like a control freak?

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

In many cases this behavior is very hard to change, and in what you describe there are certainly elements of a personality disorder.

The more you try and justify yourself to them, the more you feed into their drama and their capacity to make you feel bad about yourself. People like this operate from the point of view that everything is everyone else's fault and rarely accept responsibility for their own actions. They need to feel that they are in control, because internally everything is chaotic.

Just remember, her behavior is not about you - it's about trying to protect the damaged inner child within her.

Accept the break up and move on with the knowledge that you've gained a valuable experience. You've had a lucky escape.

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I think your so right! Some people said she was testing me to see if I was a push over, but I don't think so. I think she was just controlling. If I ever went against her she got mad, and it was her way or nothing. Also if a girl is going to treat a guy this way to see if he is a push over, I think she has problems. What do you think? I realize that this is not normal behaviour. Also when I wrote her the email telling her how she treated me, she couldn't even say sorry. Instead she said " after reading that email I dont think we can be friends". I never responded back. And I won't.

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Originally Posted by mylife99

I think your so right! Some people said she was testing me to see if I was a push over, but I dont think so. I think she was just controlling. If I ever went against her she got mad, and it was her way or nothing. Also if a girl is going to treat a guy this way to see if he is a push over, I think she has problems. What do you think? I realize that this is not normal behaviour. Also when I wrote her the email telling her how she treated me, she couldnt even say sorry. Instead she said " after reading that email I dont think we can be friends". I never responded back. And I wont.

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I think that she was both testing you and controlling you. How else would she know if she could control you if she didn't test you?

She could never be your friend after this - you know why? Because you've called her on her behavior and that's terrified her inner child.

You won't need to call her back, ever - you know why, because she'll move on faster that you can imagine. Make sure you do as well!

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Originally Posted by mylife99

Maybe, but whenever I went against her or stood up to her she got mad. And if this is how a girl is going to treat a guy to she if he is a push over, wouldnt you say she has problems? like a control freak?

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Yah, if you feel you can't obliged to her demands or she is being too unreasonable its better to leave now because I can see if you continue down this road there will be a lot of unhappiness which defeats the purpose of a relationship.