The NC thing is so foreign to me with her. Especially given the distance thing. We, when away from each other speak 20 times a day on the phone.
It makes me feel like I'm not trying to save this.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

The NC thing is so foreign to me with her. Especially given the distance thing. We, when away from each other speak 20 times a day on the phone.
It makes me feel like im not trying to save this.

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Yes it is not easy just cutting contact with someone that has been with you for so much. It truly sucks. But NC is for you. To help you clear your head and figure yourself out. You must worry about yourself. To get in touch with your inner self. To find out who you are once again. To start to make yourself happy.

She has to make her own choices. Take care of yourself. If she wants to be with you then she will. You can't force anything. Sometimes the best thing to do is simply purge yourself of the drama.

Here's something I thought about last night. Some people wanted me to go hang out at a bar last night. But I wouldn't because my ex's sister is usually there and sometimes the ex. The people that wanted me to come is like aww don't let them win. Blah blah. Come on show up and you can win. Well to me it's not about a game. And the only way to truly win is to not give in and play.

My point is getting out of the drama is the only way to find yourself again.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

The NC thing is so foreign to me with her. Especially given the distance thing. We, when away from each other speak 20 times a day on the phone.
It makes me feel like im not trying to save this.

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You already tried very hard to save the relationship. Let her MISS YOU AND THINK ABOUT YOU. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Thanks guys, I appreciate all of that. Just want some kind of real answers out her mouth at least. Its only been a few days & pretty devasated and can't seem to take my mind off all of this.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks guys, I appreciate all of that. Just want some kind of real answers out her mouth at least. Its only been a few days & pretty devasated and can't seem to take my mind off of all of this.

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You may never get the answers you seek. Be prepared for that. You shouldn't spend so much time trying to figure out why how or what she is thinking( I know easier said than done). You just have to accept what has happened and go from there.

Thank you, gives me a lot to soak in. One thing I was wondering and maybe can get some insight is. Being long distance, we traveled quite a lot to see other. She seems to feel and let me know that she sacrificed more. Money, time, etc.. But always wrapped her trips around a project to either compensate or benefit her portfolio in some way. I certainly don't blame her for that. She let me know every time for her expenses and sacrifice and maybe she was losing other gigs because of this. I too traveled quite a bit, but had clients here and elsewhere. I always traveled to see her on my own dime & volition. I even left a full-time gig partly to be there for her. Really hard to understand this.

Somewhere in this painful experience, you might find yourself asking, "Whatam I doing?" Not that you are doing anything that the rest of us haven't done, or that there's anything wrong with what you are doing. Just asking yourself "What, specifically, am I doing?" in a genuinely curious voice.

If this happens, you might stop and look. Your awareness of how you suffer through this loss might somehow make available to you the choice to stop suffering. You'll be done and will simply move on.

Tao

Thanks, maybe Ive been blind and felt a lot of pressure to not lose the person I am in love with. She was moving just as things were getting serious. Believe me I wanted to & jumped out of my skin at times because of this and flew out to see her in moments notice.

I feel like she is telling everyone that it was too hard being in a long-distance relationship to justify to herself and everyone else her dumping me, yet I too know how hard its is. Believe me.

Taopir, that post never came through. Mot sure why I am experiencing this.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

I feel like she is telling everyone that it was too hard being in a long-distance relationship to justify to herself and everyone else her dumping me, yet i too know how hard its is. believe me.

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Of course she is. It is a great excuse for her and makes her look like the good guy.

I know chuff, & thanks for the first post. I will be reading that for a while.

I understand you may have questions as to why its happening the way it is, but just trust me, you won't understand the answers at this time, and only will have more questions.

Until the emotional dust settles, the brain is on vacation, and just doesn't work very well at this time. It will later though, later rather than sooner.

Thanks Tal, Its hard to assimilate and reduce things right now. I guess the why is beyond my comprehension.

I thank everyone today. You are all so insightful & I'm sorry that this comes from some or all of you from being hurt yourselves. Thanks for that, I truly appreciate this. Im sure I will be asking more from everyone in times of weakness. Please let me know if you have any other insights in the meantime or think of something else. This has been overwhelming. I will let you know how Im doing. I respect all of this, thanks. Never joined one of these before. Im in tears.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

I thank everyone today. You are all so insightful & im sorry that this comes from some or all of you from being hurt yourselves.

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I can't speak for everybody else, but you know as strange as this sounds you don't need to be sorry for the pain I've felt with women because as I look back each time I've gone through what you are right now, I've got stronger, wiser, and better because of it. You will too.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks for that, I truly appreciate this. Im sure I will be asking more from everyone in times of weakness.

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Weakness is doing nothing about it. You have taken the first steps to your emotional freedom, which is not weak. Ignoring the consistent advice and continuing to talk to her is weakness so please do not be that guy. You will be so proud you did once the emotions die down.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Please let me know if you have any other insights in the meantime or think of something else. This has been overwhelming. I will let you know how Im doing. I respect all of this, thanks.

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Read the sticky's on the main page.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Never joined one of these before.

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You know it's interesting you say that. I came here about 3 years ago because I was having a problem with a female at work and as a result of that female, and what I learned here, she actually, unintentionally drove me and helped me into the arms of another woman who I went out with for about a year. I literally changed my behaviors from what I learned on this site and ironically it ended because it became a long distance relationship and wasn't going to work that way. My point is, you don't know where the advice here can take you but the key is you have to apply it.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Im in tears.

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So cry away. Don't hold it in, and do not hold on to it. If you break NC do not tell her you are crying over her. That will let her know again she can do what she wants and you'll let her. You are done giving her those ideas.

My X was narsacistic as well. I think you would honestly be for the better to let it go and focus on you. My X would always have this insane drive to be the BEST, but she also would flip flop around and change her mind on plans, New York, no LA, no live here and open a academy, no go back to college and get a doctorate. Always driven to do something great, but her father was killed in a car accident and her mother was a Witch with a broom and never really gave her the satisfaction she needed as a woman to be proud of what she did, so in turn she would just constantly seek approval from other men, or other people. Needed people to ackgnowledge her greatness and make her feel important. When I did it, it didn't mean anything because I was her BF and I am suppose to make her feel like that. She needed validation from 3rd party sources.

You don't need someone like that. And having a broken family home, messed up values, and all sorts of crazyness in her past is not going to make life easy on her. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you see that there are greener pastures waiting for you on the other side of this relationship.

Thank you. Sounds exactly like her. I guess I feel so jealous that she seeks this. Its only been a week & Im pretty rocked. I haven't spoken to her in 4 days & she said she would call me tomorrow (her Birthday of all things) I probably won't answer if she even has the courage to do so. Im so worried about the NC thing, feeling like she will think "oh, he is angry & hates me now" & go upon her business feeling like "gee, that was easy" as I am ready to jump off a bridge. Maybe you can tell me if you can what your ex said to you. I never got a real reason & sure to mine's friends & family is "the long-distance thing got to be too hard"...

Vanheart,

Hi! I just read your post that you want answers from her. I'm sure that would help but be prepared that you might never get them. I have been in your shoes a few times and it does suck. All you can do is think about them and miss them and that's normal.

But you are putting yourself, your needs, your feelings behind hers and she's not willing to do the same. You were in a 5 year relationship and she can't give you straight answers?

I was with someone who was very narcistic and boy did I get pulled in all directions. It was a "come here, but go away" relationship and it took me forever and ever to get over the pain.

I never got answers and who knows if the ones he would have given me would have been honest. Narcisits tend to lie and misrepresent themselves. They feed off people and whe they want more, they feed off someone else.

This has NOTHING to do with you, but everything to do with herself. I'm sure there is more to these things going on than meets the eye, but it doesn't sound as though she gave as much as she took.

I know how the long distance relationships are, and they are one of the hardest things to go through, but when you love someone you make it work. Sounds like you do the bulk of the work.

What you are going through evily sucks. I know, I've been there. But it does get better, it really does. This is the time for YOU. Please do not feel as though you were not enough. You were, but she wasn't.

After a bit your appetite will return, you will sleep more and after time you will start to feel better. Your needs need to be primary. You have told her how you feel and what you want and if she isn't willing to give that back or after 5 years of being with you, not tell you WHY she can't give that back, then something is wrong with HER.

You sound very loving. That is a positive, remember that... although right now it doesn't feel like that. Sadly you are learning some things about yourself in a rough way.

You will change, life will change, and the pain will change. FOCUS on you. You have friends, you have talent, you have emotions and feelings that you are in tune with... that's not always common.

It doesn't sound like she is willing or unable to give you the answers you need for closure. That could be to keep you holding on or it could be that she really doesn't know. Look up some information on narcisism and you will be surprised by some things.

There are also some amazing boards out there for support. The one thing I learned is that with narcisim, you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. They pull away only to pull you back in. They have grandiose visionss of themselves importance.

It's not you, it's the disorder. YOU are strong!

Thanks, as I mentioned we had constant talks about our future, what city, etc.. & never could come to some outcome because of her constant indecision about everything, but in the same right put the pressure on me to come up with the masterplan without sacrificing her career. What kills me is that she now says "Ive tried, & tried to get a plan out of you but you couldn't, etc.. So she is left making me feel like it was going nowhere. Very confusing.