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Janmarie
In my opinion YOUR feeding him False hope , it seems to me he was biting on the reality hook and you come in and let him off.
Bottom line is NC is the way to go , and that's to start the healing process so he can be in a better emotional state to decide if he really wants to take her back IF that scenario occurs.
Sorry you took offence its obvious there is a misunderstanding. When you read someones posts it is best to truly read it and read it again so that you can get the full essence.
No matter what he decides he must continue to live his own life with or without her. He does not NEED to sit and await upon anyone
Everything that anyone has posted thus far is correct and traditional sound advice. I am just offering up another way of approaching the situation. Options that maybe he has not heard of before.
He also has the right to email me if he has questions, as well as post on this site. People email me all the time and if you really read my post I didn't say that he should only do that and not post here as well. I am just offering him help. If anything is against site policy it would be if someone were to ask for money. I don't do that and never will.
As far as being more advanced in knowledge I only meant in what I study. Everyone here, including you, is very knowledgable in what they know.
Don't take offence just next time really read a post and I will try to clarify a little better.
No offence taken honestly :)
Like I said just my opinion!
True to a point, but you condemn the situation without any thought based upon what you know. I am just offering a new insight into the situation. He has a choice so give him something to choose from besides condemnation and no hope whatsoever. Healing will come from either choice but does he want to repeat the same situation again in another relationship? It is not just about healing it is about understanding and true healing comes from understanding.[COLOR]Quote:
Originally Posted by friend4u178
Whether the relationship works out or not isn't really the main issue but what he learns from it will make all the difference in his life. Communication, forgiveness, understanding each other, listening and I mean really listening to the other person without getting angry will ultimately lead to a better understanding. If the relationship never goes beyond what it is at this point. The greatest lessons will be learned just by listening to another.
Maybe most of you will disagree and that is perfectly fine, but there are choices. His is to make his own choices. He is the only one who knows how he feels. We cannot judge that.
Jan I agree with you. I was actually considering posting a thread last night disagreeing with the blatant recommendation of "NO CONTACT!!!" to every single person on these forums. I find it a bit strange that there would be one blanket solution to everyone's problems. Yes no contact is a way to get over someone if you really want to, but as you mention, what about when deep down in your heart, after much consideration, you still want to be with someone? You can't just force yourself to move on.
I don't think you're feeding someone false hope, there's no reason to think that things can't somehow work out.
If you read the rules about emailing and sending private messgaes you see what I talking about.
Besides that nobody he judging him. Everyone is giving their own opinon just like your giving yours.
And yes I read what he wrote just like I read what every one else wrote. I don't have to read it 3 or more times because my advice would still be the same.
Thank you for all of your input. I really appreciate that you guys are willing to offer help and support to a person who just joined the site! For that I am extremely grateful.
What Janmarie said was the closest thing that I had in mind. My ex-g/f is definitely worth it to pursue. I've been with a few other girls before this relationship and when it didn't work out, it didn't work out. I didn't do anything to try to pursue it any further. However, I definitely saw a future with her. Now, I don't blame her for the break-up because I considered it too, but I did manage to find the problem: communication.
liz28 is absolutely correct. We lacked communication. Why? For one, my ex wanted to be "independent", "in control" and "confident." The consequence? She never showed her weak side. How am I suppose to know what is truly hurting her if she never shows? To me, it appeared all fine for her, but after the conversation during the break-up, I realized that many of the things that I did hurted her.
Now going back to Janmarie, I am willing to change myself. In fact, as I posted on my original question, I was already planning the change regardless of the break-up. That's why it hurted more... I was so determined to give it another go with a new outlook that when she refused to do so, it just crushed me even more. Think of it as this. You own a architecture firm and you designed a couple of prototypes that failed. But, by observing the failures, you made a better prototype that you thought would work. However, the sponsors all backed out saying "I don't know if that will work..."
Now to the actual situation at hand, I want to do what is best to get back with HER. Whether if she is right for me is my own decision. I truly do think my life would be better with her in it than without it. This doesn't mean I'm throwing NC out the window, but given the circumstances, I want to use the chance I have of being able to talk to her for 10 days to its fullest before NC. For the past two days, I was in a huge dilemma of whether I should call her.. but guess what.. she called me. I don't know if she called me because she missed me, but she did... (This didn't get any of my hopes up because I knew this didn't mean anything significant) I kept it short. Did not talk about the relationship, but stayed cool and told her all the stuff that I did that day WITHOUT her. (i.e working out, gym, UFC, etc.) She's also busy with preparing for a piano competition and midterms for university. Now at the end of the 10 days, if she says she wishes to break up with me, I'm going to implement 100% NC. I will move on, but I will let the door open for her to come back. Now.. I guess the argument here is then I would be keeping my hopes up that she might come back... I'm not too sure... I guess it can be a win-win situation... I will move on, which is a win, but if she comes back, I'll have her again so that's another win.
I don't know... is implementing 100% NC now or 10 days later make a huge difference?
Liz28 there is no need to take offense. I will clarify just a little bit more. I did not mean to re read HIS post. I felt you misread mine and misunderstood as did others. I am not opposed to your opinion like I said before it is good sound, traditional advice and if it works for you...great stick to it. But, do you know without any doubt that HE feels the same way you do? Maybe he wants options, maybe he wants to know that there is another way of seeing a situation. Maybe he might want to consider every avenue. Maybe and just maybe non traditional advice could bring him ultimate fulfillment and satisfaction. Would you deny him that option and only see it from your point of view?Quote:
Originally Posted by liz28
If she is making the effort to contact you and your talks are pleasant and productive then keep the lines of communication open. Continue to not talk about your relationship or any unpleasant past event. The only moment that exists is the moment of now. The past is gone and the future hasn't happened yet. What you do and say in this moment will shape your future so keep your focus in the now.Quote:
Originally Posted by punture
If she brings up the past...don't even go there.....Do not have that conversation, politely change the subject. What I found to be most delightful is if they bring up the past or begin to apologize for one of their behaviors is to just say, "Oh, that seems kind of serious, lets not talk about that now." If you remain cool, calm and collected, it will surprise her. You will be unconsciously conveying to her the idea that the problems of the past are not insurmountable. You will have time to talk about those things weeks if not months down the road when she begins to talk more about commitment and more of a pledge to you. For now just be open and listen to her. Sometimes repeating what she said to you will cause her to believe that you are listening. She will begin to open up more to you once she believes you are truly listening.
You will let the first 2 or 3 contacts or phone calls during this time go at her pace. And that doesn't mean to sit around and wait....do things you love doing during this time. You will feel more relaxed and at ease when she does come to you.
Keep smiling while talking to her on the phone no matter how you feel at that moment. The reason I say that is because when a person smiles on the phone while they are talking to someone, the person on the receiving end can actually hear the difference in the tone of voice. When she calls she cannot see you, touch you or smell you. The only thing she has is your voice so what she hears will be magnified in importance.
The goal here with these first few calls is to change the process between you and her.
Lastly, no emotional details about your day or your life. Part of the reason she is calling you is because she misses you. If you give up to much detail, you will take away her curiosity and giving to much details at this stage will only prevent her imagination to fill in the gaps. Her imagination is the best thing you have going for you at this point.
These same instructions is exactly what I have done to change the course of my relationship and others who have used this same advice.
I am on your side and believe it or not this is putting you in control of your life.
Made a big mistake, or at least that's what I think. She called, and I just could not resist the temptation to ask her about her feelings. She said nothing has changed, but her response did change.
Last week, she said she won't even consider my plan of seeing if things could be worked out, but now she said she is willing to talk it over with me and will probably accept it. Currently she has a big piano competition next Tuesday and an university midterm on Wednesday. Partly the reason why the break was 10 days... it is the day after the exam.
Now I see a couple of problem with this that some of you will pick out. Firstly, she said "probably" meaning she could be just saying this. Secondly, it could be that she just doesn't want to deal with me NOW because it will affect her work.
She said, "I like the idea and I would probably agree to it, but right now it's too late because it would take hours to discuss it (it was 12) and I have too much things to concern for at this time.... It would be like signing a paper without reading the fine print. There's a possibility that there could be some things that I won't like in your plan, but I'm just saying that there is a greater chance that I would accept it... If you insist that I give you a definite answer, then finalizing the break-up now is the only definite answer I can give."
I asked her that she could be doing this to prevent it from affecting her competitoin and midterm, and she said, "I already caused you pain. There is no reason why I would do something that would cause you more pain just for my own benefit."
Now I feel bad.. I shouldn't have brought it up and should've waited. I can't let go of the thought that she just doesn't want to be heart broken by me telling her that I will stop talking to her, which would affect her piano competition and midterm.
I'm still not going to keep my hopes up because that's just reversing what I did. Instead, I will forget about it until Thursday where we will actually talk in depth about it.
Any feed back?
Well i am not going to judge that you made a mistake but I really can't help you if you are not going to listen. She is remaining in contact with you but you really need to get control of yourself and your emotions or you will push her away and you will not get your desired outcome. You are reacting instead of responding appropriatly. You have to not talk to her anymore about the relationship, no more drama, you want her to feel safe in keeping in contact with you. If you keep bringing up the relationship the more she is going to want to end it. You seem to be forcing the issue when you just need to relax, reflect and get control of yourself or I quarentee you will end up breaking up.
Sorry. I knew at the back of my mind that I shouldn't have done it, but it was at night, I was tired and I guess my emotion was over-whelming.
Well, I learned my lesson. There is no reason why I should keep pressuring her in any way. She already told me what she wants, and that is giving her space till Thursday, where she agreed to talk about it in detail.
Also, it is really no point in worrying on whether she is telling me the truth when she said she would probably agree to it. The reality is that nothing changed and therefore I shouldn't get my hopes up.
From now on, I will consider that this didn't happen and go on with just chatting 10-15 min when she calls, and never bring up our relationship.
Janmarie, I think you are really onto something. When I brought up the relationship, the first thing she did was to sigh. I feel that you are absolutely right in that what I did yesterday was definitely a negative in her mind and threatened the relationship status.
Well.. I guess it is lesson learnt.
Yes, YOU are threatening the relationship. YOU had made an agreement and then broke it. Can she ever trust your word on ANYthing??Quote:
Originally Posted by punture
Yes.. I realized that as soon as I said, "I need to ask you something" and she sighed.
I guess it is my fault. What can I do now but to try my best at maintaining what I originally proposed to do.
I am really going to consider my mistake and make sure I don't do it ever again. I can't let my emotion run away like that.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Like a scientist sometimes we have to test a theory to prove to ourselves without doubt that it is true. You learned and that is a positive thing.
Let her have her space. Putting a 10 day on an answer is pressure enough for her and I am a bit uneasy about that. I think the "deadline" should be lifted and I will tell you why.
Have you ever had a boss come to you and tell you that something has to be completed at "this" date and time? He gave you a deadline or else? The closer that day comes the more stressed out you become because you are not sure that it will be ready?
Relationships are no different in that aspect and there shouldn't be a deadline. If there is ever a date to be set on a relationship then it should be reserved for a wedding day.
What you want to create in your relationship is a place of peace and harmony, love and devotion. A place she would feel comfortable and confident to dive into.
My advice would be to lift the deadline, lift the pressure and give more space for love to grow. Love and relationships do take time, it can't be rushed but yet it can thrive on its own if its not pressured.
Does that make sense?
My next suggestion is to continue not talking about the relationship even if she try's to bring it up. You continue to be relaxed, happy and having a good time everytime you are with her. This is going to completely change her opinion of you. She is expecting you to talk about the relationship, she is going to expect you to put on the pressure. What if you totally surprised her and said you didn't want to talk about it right now? (Not that you won't later down the road a bit)
The goal here is to recreate the value that she saw in you at some point in the relationship that caused her to go out with you in the first place.
I don't want to overwhelm you with words but I suggest you print out what I am telling you and read it throughout the day until it sticks in your mind like glue.
You want to convey that you are a relaxed confident man. Even if you feel like you are going to die if you don't get an answer from her.
Just me, when a partner asked for a break, give it to them, and leave them alone, and get a life that you enjoy without them.
That's where the NC comes in. To allow the shock, and hurt to wear off, so you can think, and make good decisions for yourself, based on FACT and not just shocked, confused feelings.
It also keeps you from making an idiot of yourself, by begging, or appearing so needy, you forget about why she asked for the break in the first place. Not unusual, for you to feel as you do, but as you see she has accommodated you to the max, and you still have no clue what this is all about.
My guess is you're a lousy listener, and an even worse communicator, the evidence is plain, its all about getting what you want and you have never asked her what's the deal, at least you haven't shared that tidbit.
Disappear from her life, and learn to cope with your feelings in a positive way, and leave the guesses, and games for players.
That's one guy to another, and what NC s really about, ending the confusion so you can see reality.
Let me know when your ready to try it, and don't be fooled by the watered down false ones that others will sell you.
NC is good advice that should be given in a situation where there is absolutely no other options available or it is an abusive, unhealthy relationship. I would highly agree and most of the time I do.
This particular situation I feel differently but most may disagree and that is the beauty of being human and having free will.
Giving such advice in every single situation seems so limiting and not always the best for every person. I will explain why and I am in no way, insulting anyone nor their advice on this forum.
First of all, Putnure is the one who initiated the "break" not his girlfriend. He felt the need to give that to her. In this, I find a man who cares enough about her and the relationship to offer it....even though he himself really didn't want that but he also doesn't want it to turn into a break-up. At this stage we don't know if there will actually be a break up. But he is taking the necessary steps to prevent that. And each person who loves their partner should try and change the situation as best they can.
Secondly, She is contacting him. She still has very strong feelings for him if she herself hasn't let him go and moving on with her life. This in itself tells me that she is also hoping for change in the relationship and still cares about him. At this point however, she doesn't know herself what to do to bring about the changes to create the relationship that she desires with him.
But seated deep inside she hasn't let him go, she is remaining in contact with him so he needs to keep that line of communication open with her. NC at this point will hinder any progression in the direction seemingly obvious they want it to go in.
He is asking for help to save his relationship and bring about the desired outcome. Which in my experience personally and for others who I have helped bring back their love. I stand behind my advice completely. I don't expect everyone to agree or change what they believe. That is not my attention. But as you can see for yourselves that Putnure is learning from his experiences that will help in the future. Either with this relationship or others to come.
That is what free will is all about, we do have control over our destiny's.
Not meaning to bombard this discussion. But I have one very important thing to show all of you.
As you can see Punture is learning from his mistake he made earlier in losing control of himself in his last conversation with his girlfriend. He became very consciously AWARE of this. Awareness is the key. becoming aware of the things you do that produces unsatisfactory outcomes in your relationships is so important.
Some people live throughout their lives going from one relationship to another and finding that every new relationship ends up like the last. They are blindly repeating the same mistakes in each one and not even realizing it. By putnure becoming aware of his mistakes he now knows that if he continues that he is going to keep getting the same results.
Conscious awareness brings about healing and change that will ultimately produce a better relationship now and in the future.
So for anyone watching this and wondering why they keep ending up in the same situations in every new relationships can learn from this and become more aware of how they are operating in their lives.
You have been ignoring some very obvious signs of someone is not happy.Quote:
However, about two weeks ago, we had consecutive fights which led to my girlfriend breaking up with me.
You must have done some good begging, as she has accommodated you I feel, as a way to just get rid of you, as you don't seem to quit until you have what you want. If that matches what she wants, remains to be seen.Quote:
But, I did manage to shift her mind from a total break up to a "break" for 10 days. After the 10 days, she would reconsider and tell me her answer. Now, she wanted a NC during this period. I should've respected this, but instead I pleaded and made an agreement that we would call at night to check up on each other and say good night.
I also know that manipulation never works which is why you should leave this female alone, and examine your part in this break up, and the behavior that follows.
Tal is right! If you have to bargin for someone to be with you then I wouldn't want to be with that person.
If I have to sit around waiting for 10 or 30 days for someone to make up their mind to whether they want to be with me then I wouldn't want to be them.
I guess Thursday is judgement day for you and I would love to see how this play out.
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